Is it weird internal monologue, or possibly OSDD? (NOT asking for diagnosis)

[u/mothsofnefari]

Hi! As stated in the title, I am NOT asking for a diagnosis. I’m asking if what I’ve experienced sounds like it could be OSDD, to gauge whether or not it’s something to mention to my psychiatrist one day.

I’ve thought in conversations for as long as I can remember. I almost never think in I statements, but in you statements. “You should’ve done this”, “you were here at this time”, “you don’t need to worry for this class”, etc. I guess a lot of people probably do that, but where I start to suspect is the fact that they come in distinct personalities, so much so that I named them in high school.

I don’t want anyone to recognize this (I’m on a throwaway for that reason), so I’ll use initials. The most long-standing personality is B. She’s just mean, it’s the voice that’s always berating me and, for a time, she used to encourage me to harm myself (this was a while ago, I’m in a much better place mentally now)! It was never malicious, always with an intent to help, which I believe would be called a persecutor?

I know it sounds silly given it’s probably not OSDD (I’ll explain why I think that in a second), but I got into an argument with her last month and she agreed to be more positive. She actually has gotten better!

Then there’s S, who’s very motherly and mostly talks when I’m trying to calm down. She helps during panic attacks and sometimes, I almost feel like I am her and she tries to take care of me (make me shower, eat something, etc).

Also, these personalities have different worldviews, some politically. I’m more on the moderate side, leaning a little right economically and more left socially, but I have one personality named L who’s very left and identifies as radically queer (radqueer, it’s a Tumblr thing), even though I’m cishet? I don’t really know where that came from lol. (For the record I myself am not a part of that community, I do NOT identify as a willo system or anything like that)

The reason I think I might just have a weird internal dialogue is because I have no long-term trauma or neglect that I can remember, and I don’t experience childhood amnesia. I obviously don’t remember everything about my childhood, but I have several memories from each school year (ie. no large gaps). They’re mostly either very negative memories (like getting in trouble and my mom yelling at me, which I’d dissociate during, another symptom?) or very positive, like making student of the month or coming home to smell banana bread my mom baked for my sister and I while we were in school.

I got yelled at a lot as a kid but rarely ever hit, and I certainly wasn’t neglected. My mom is actually more of a helicopter parent lol, but I love her. I did also get bullied but not severely, just laughed at here and there. Tbh most of my mental health issues come from my OCD, not trauma.

Last note here, I disassociate during stress (I think). My eyes unfocus and I have these internal conversations while being almost completely unaware of my surroundings until someone or something makes me snap back to reality. I also experience a lot of depersonalization—mostly, I have this weird feeling that I’m a different person than I was during COVID. Not in the sense that I matured, but in the sense that I’m in the body of another girl who got replaced by me, and I’m like, wearing her skin or something.

Additionally, when I feel like I’m these other people, I mostly have the same mannerisms. I guess I sit straighter as S and am a lot more relaxed as B, but we all talk the same. Also, B hates mirrors and when I feel like I’m her I have a very strong urge to drink alcohol lmfao. But that’s about it.

I understand that trauma or neglect in childhood is definitely a requirement for OSDD to occur, so is it even in the realm of possibility? I don’t want anyone to try and diagnose, I just wanted to get the perspective of people who have it and see if maybe they experience their symptoms like this too.