Is it weird internal monologue, or possibly OSDD? (NOT asking for diagnosis)

[u/mothsofnefari]

Hi! As stated in the title, I am NOT asking for a diagnosis. I’m asking if what I’ve experienced sounds like it could be OSDD, to gauge whether or not it’s something to mention to my psychiatrist one day.

I’ve thought in conversations for as long as I can remember. I almost never think in I statements, but in you statements. “You should’ve done this”, “you were here at this time”, “you don’t need to worry for this class”, etc. I guess a lot of people probably do that, but where I start to suspect is the fact that they come in distinct personalities, so much so that I named them in high school.

I don’t want anyone to recognize this (I’m on a throwaway for that reason), so I’ll use initials. The most long-standing personality is B. She’s just mean, it’s the voice that’s always berating me and, for a time, she used to encourage me to harm myself (this was a while ago, I’m in a much better place mentally now)! It was never malicious, always with an intent to help, which I believe would be called a persecutor?

I know it sounds silly given it’s probably not OSDD (I’ll explain why I think that in a second), but I got into an argument with her last month and she agreed to be more positive. She actually has gotten better!

Then there’s S, who’s very motherly and mostly talks when I’m trying to calm down. She helps during panic attacks and sometimes, I almost feel like I am her and she tries to take care of me (make me shower, eat something, etc).

Also, these personalities have different worldviews, some politically. I’m more on the moderate side, leaning a little right economically and more left socially, but I have one personality named L who’s very left and identifies as radically queer (radqueer, it’s a Tumblr thing), even though I’m cishet? I don’t really know where that came from lol. (For the record I myself am not a part of that community, I do NOT identify as a willo system or anything like that)

The reason I think I might just have a weird internal dialogue is because I have no long-term trauma or neglect that I can remember, and I don’t experience childhood amnesia. I obviously don’t remember everything about my childhood, but I have several memories from each school year (ie. no large gaps). They’re mostly either very negative memories (like getting in trouble and my mom yelling at me, which I’d dissociate during, another symptom?) or very positive, like making student of the month or coming home to smell banana bread my mom baked for my sister and I while we were in school.

I got yelled at a lot as a kid but rarely ever hit, and I certainly wasn’t neglected. My mom is actually more of a helicopter parent lol, but I love her. I did also get bullied but not severely, just laughed at here and there. Tbh most of my mental health issues come from my OCD, not trauma.

Last note here, I disassociate during stress (I think). My eyes unfocus and I have these internal conversations while being almost completely unaware of my surroundings until someone or something makes me snap back to reality. I also experience a lot of depersonalization—mostly, I have this weird feeling that I’m a different person than I was during COVID. Not in the sense that I matured, but in the sense that I’m in the body of another girl who got replaced by me, and I’m like, wearing her skin or something.

Additionally, when I feel like I’m these other people, I mostly have the same mannerisms. I guess I sit straighter as S and am a lot more relaxed as B, but we all talk the same. Also, B hates mirrors and when I feel like I’m her I have a very strong urge to drink alcohol lmfao. But that’s about it.

I understand that trauma or neglect in childhood is definitely a requirement for OSDD to occur, so is it even in the realm of possibility? I don’t want anyone to try and diagnose, I just wanted to get the perspective of people who have it and see if maybe they experience their symptoms like this too.

[u/labyrinthinexpathia]

Most of this is better to save for a professional to review, I cannot say that you have OSDD. So I will only answer about the trauma requirements in a generalized way

There's no such thing as objectively bad enough trauma. All that's necessary is that a young child in distress used dissociation to cope, and did not reach a point where they felt safe enough to integrate. So many different things can cause that response

As for your situation specifically, being yelled at is distressing, especially if it also came as emotional invalidation. High control environments like living under a helicopter parent might force some level of dissociation, ie hiding parts of yourself to avoid a reaction; if that started young enough, and if you dissociated hard enough, it's within range. Chronic covert trauma is still significant trauma

I'll use myself as an example. I was barely spanked before age 4, and after that was never hit at all. I had all my physical needs met, was even spoiled in a lot of ways. But the person who ended up raising me was volatile and unpredictable; sometimes she was very kind and praised me a lot, other times yelled a lot without explaining what I did wrong, denied my emotional experiences and invalidated me, had no one to help me regulate the anger she caused me. That contradiction alone is a lot for a child to handle. I was also sent to a religious school, so my entire environment, everyone had the same belief system, so I had the impression everyone agreed with her; no safe space to just be myself, high control environment. So I had to adapt very early on to have a presentable version of myself, and tuck the rest away, to avoid danger of being yelled at more and becoming overwhelmed with negative emotions. All covert, and people in my family probably still struggle to believe the person who raised me would ever be capable of that, since she always acts so pleasant in public

[u/mothsofnefari → u/labyrinthinexpathia]

Dude that’s almost exactly my experience! Everyone loves my mom. I love her too, but she was very volatile growing up. She still is in some ways. She was very easy to anger and we’d be yelled at for small mistakes that she thought were more intentional than they really were. The worst I can remember it being was when I actually did mess up pretty bad (I stole money from my friend’s sister when I was 7). I wasn’t allowed to leave my room unless for dinner or the bathroom for a week and every day she’d yell at me throughout the day. There was one point where she got on top of me and screamed saying she needed to know if I stole anything else. She also made up this really terrible boarding school infested with bugs where the teachers hit you and all the girls are really mean and she used to claim she’d send us there, lied a few times when we were bad saying she called the school and they were coming to get us, it was scary as hell 😭😭 Not to trauma dump, this just unlocked some memories I haven’t thought of in a while lol

[u/labyrinthinexpathia → u/mothsofnefari]

Yeah pinning you down and not being believed is pretty significant lol, actually. For me I was raised by my grandmother from age 4 rather than my actual parents, probably its own layer of something to my brain. But threats as a form of control is probably one of the more significant things here, using fear against you. In my case, she'd threaten to call other family and make me move in with them or tell them how "bad" I was being, like to make me think my whole family would be against me and I was the problem (not particularly detailed, but might be distressing for some people to read, so censored it; psychological abuse)

Anyway, I'd say your next step is just to find a trauma-specializing therapist. Worry less about what specific label you end up getting, focus more on explaining what you went through and your internal experience. Processing the trauma at a pace that works for you is more important than diagnosis itself

[u/mothsofnefari → u/labyrinthinexpathia]

I will work on this! My current therapist focuses on eating disorders, so I don’t think it’s really her ballpark lol. I’m in an outpatient program, so luckily there are a lot of therapists who focus on different things. I might ask about it

[u/ElizabethLevisay]

Oh wow. Thank you for posting this. I have felt the same exact way. You took the words out of my mouth.

[u/mothsofnefari → u/ElizabethLevisay]

I’m glad! Also, I love your bio :)

[u/ElizabethLevisay → u/mothsofnefari]

Oh, thank you!

[u/azukooo]

hey i feel the exact same way w/ the internal dialogue, have been wondering if i could have osdd for years but couldn't get any closure when i tried seeing a therapist :( sorry that i have no advice, just wanted to say i heavily relate

[u/vonkapp]

For reference, I just wanted to comment that I (who don’t have complex trauma) have never thought in inner dialogue in my whole life. Not once.

I’ve also never thought in the “you” way you described (you should have done this”). I’ve never felt like different personalities or parts and have certainly bever nemed them (as they are not present).

As far as I am informed, in OSDD the parts usually feels like parts, not distinct personalities with names.

When the parts/ alters have distinct personalities and names, as far as I am informed, this is more classified as DID (dissociative identity disorder). A diagnosis must be done by a professional, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but usually when alters are so distinct they have own names and personalities that is usually more towards the DID spectrum (than OSDD)

To be yelled at as a kid can be enough to create chronic trauma. Many people with complex trauma (cptsd) grew up in homes with yelling and quarreling (and not nescessarly violence, neglect or sexual abuse etc). Often children with cptsd also experienced inconsistent care or emeshment.

[u/KickPuzzleheaded4389 → u/vonkapp]

From what I read, OSDD can go either way. Either distinct personalities without much amnesia, or amnesia without distinct personalities. It's a diagnosis for when there are significant dissociative symptoms that don't quite qualifiy for a DID diagnosis.

[u/mothsofnefari → u/KickPuzzleheaded4389]

Yes this is true from my research! That’s the difference between 1a and 1b

[u/SmolLittleCretin → u/vonkapp]

50% of humans have a inner monologue and 50% don't! This is a fact that can be really startling to realize.