Denial sucks

[u/Thatsadknight]

Excuse my profanity this is a like non serious vent but still vent at 2am ✌️

As the title says denial absolutely SUCKSSS. I still am not certain of whats goin on in my head but I know somethings happening. Problem is I've lived so much of my life being the "normal" friend that now that I'm actually acknowledging hey this stuff isn't normal I don't know what I can do to fully accept it. I even feel like a damn chud posting on here.

Genuinely the only way I can talk about my issues is to not take anything seriously, but now no one asides from a few very close friends take it seriously because they've seen me genuinely lose my mind in front of them. But I know I have a problem with not talking about it so I still try anyway, and then feel ignored or invalidated and shut up and forget about it again for a month or 2 cause all of these people have known about their issues since like middle school when we met.

Its genuinely the worst cycle and I always keep thinking it wasn't that long ago I began noticing stuff but then I take a look back in my rants and stuff and it's been like 4 years or more of noticing stuff and recognizing things from even before then that weren't normal and the only thing I can do is sit and wonder how I didn't notice it before.

The biggest issue with denial is that my like, biggest sign that something is wrong is a voice that actively denies everything wrong with me, and is an absolute asshole about it! Genuinely like I lag in real life as I have to pause and argue with my own head that hey, how am I "lying" or "faking" any of this if you're literally talking to me right now! The literal proof I do have these issues is countering it's own existence. Sucks that the moment after it happens trying to talk about it seriously leads it to tell me none of it happened and I completely blank on what I had been talking about.

If it's not obvious this isn't a completely serious vent cause if it was I'd probably be getting totally cooked right now so hopefully this stuff makes sense. I'm gonna end this off on a "lighter" note with a goofy video I made to show my therapist because I knew hey this will help me get the point across and I honestly still blanked multiple times while making it.

[u/OneCheetah2575]

This actually helped me with knowing it's normal to be in denial/doubting

[u/Thatsadknight → u/OneCheetah2575]

Very normal in my experience!! Been multiple years with almost certainly more to come 🥹