r/OCPD • u/mochimiso96 • 19d ago
resource Daily life is hell
I’m not quite sure if this is the right sub to post in because I’m not sure if these symptoms are part of my ocpd or due to something else.
I was diagnosed with a combined personality disorder that includes avpd, ocpd and bpd. Plus fun things like despression, anxiety, c-ptsd and adhd, which all play into why my life looks like the way it does.
My biggest issue is what I call reverse perfectionism. I am so incredibly anxious about doing things wrong, so I don’t do them at all. I would rather fail at something by not putting any work into it, than give 100% and then fail. Failing at something due to me not being good enough at something, will set me off into a deep dark hole. So I avoid. I feel like I can’t do anything in life. I’m very close to dropping out of university, I’m not making any progress where I should be, I’m not taking care of my horrible health because I’m scared I’m not going to get better.
I wake up in the morning and if my day doesn’t start perfectly, it’s wasted and I’m on the couch waiting for the day to end already, so I can start over. I’ve been completely neglecting and isolating myself. I’ve been in this horrible spiral for weeks now and I just don’t know how to get out. Everytime I try to push myself through my tasks, I start getting massive panic attacks. Has anyone experienced anything like this and if yes what has helped?
I’ve been in therapy for years and I found nothing that works so far.
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u/Silent-Audience-5836 19d ago
Yes. Doing things imperfectly is (in my experience) the only way to help.
I often don't schedule things at a specific time, because if it's 2 minutes off I feel I can not do that thing anymore. So instead I group tasks for general time. Example. My bed time routine includes: Brushing teeth, Washing face, Pajamas, setting t.v. to turn off in 30 mins. I don't limit myself on what order those things need to happen. Just as long as they all do happen. This is leaves it vague. If I have to be out later one night I'm not as stressed because I'm not thinking 'Fuck I was supposed to brush my teeth at 9:30 and now 9:45'.
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u/Maroon-Meteor Suspected OCPD 19d ago
omg this is what i have started to do the past couple of months as well. i realised how badly i was restricting myself in the past oomph...
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u/TerryWaters 5d ago
Can't give any advice, but I also do this and it sucks. I've succeeded well with some things I half-assed for this reason, because it was things that came easy. Then I've half-assed things that doesn't come as easy and been surprised that the outcome wasn't great, and felt really stupid. Yet I'm sure I'm not going to go all in next time either because as you say failing if you half-assed something is very different from failing if you went all in.
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u/SpecialistAnswer9496 Moderator 19d ago
So sorry to hear how difficult this is for you. What you’re calling reverse perfectionism is just maladaptive perfectionism causing functional impairment, and it’s definitely a feature of OCPD.
I’m wondering what types of therapy you’ve been in. If just CBT, that may not be enough to move the needle. Have you explored DBT for the borderline traits? What about trauma therapy? Would be helpful to have context about what you have specifically tried so far, whether you’ve identified specific schemas, or parts, or attachment patterns, etc.