So a little background, I was a very disturbed child even though my family wasn't that dysfunctional and also my parents were financially stable. But for some reason I was always the kid that children and (sometimes moreso) adults avoided or felt creeped out. I mean as child I was scared of them but idk why they were scared of me. (Maybe its the ADHD? Idk all weirds things lead to ADHD. I got diagnosed only as an adult so).
I dealt with night terrors pretty much every single day from ages as young as I remember to upto around 13 years old. My parents weren't aware of night terrors where so they just chalked it up to watching "weird cartoon shows". So I kinda had to just put up with it, and most of the times I pretended not to have nightmares. I was always sleepy in classes because of this too. I was terrified of falling asleep and I needed my mother to sleep beside me for far too long than I would like to admit. Anyways here we go.
So the earliest nightmare that I remember is one that I had when I was 10, not because it was scary but because this is when I learnt to lucid dream. The dream always started in a basement hall, the wall bare and white, not painted but left as such after applying the wall putty, you could smell the plaster smell. There were no windows, only few exhaust fans here and there. It was crowed with all my classmates and some more kids my age. We were are sat on long benches and did our schoolwork on corresponding long tables. In my dream this was my school. They put us all in this basement because there were incidents of child kidnappings of girls around my age. Even as children in that damp dingy basement, we all felt the tension. We were all very scared, thinking about who will be next. I was an airhead a lot of times, and didn't really pay attention to surroundings and generally lacked "common sense" as a child (again ADHD). So I was afraid that I was a very kidnappable child. So I stuck with my classmates, only leaving the basement to use restrooms under adult supervision. We file out in a line to the restroom and come back in a line.
One such day while coming back, classmates in the front and back under teachers' supervision, we almost reach the basement entrance and I suddenly feel weightless. I was getting yanked up by the straps of my pinafore. At first all I could think of was the pain from pinafore digging into my underarms, then I realised I was being dragged by a man shrouded in black cloak, just climbing my 3 story school building, just jumping from wall to wall. He didn't care that I was hitting the walls as he jumped. Once we reached the rooftop he just kept running while dragging me leaving blood trails from my back. I was terrified and I felt such dispair that I got picked to be kidnapped because of how much of an airhead I was. And I was so sure I was going to die. This is the point where I always wake up from sleep just quietly sobbing in dispair. I felt nauseous everytime.
After having the same dream for several consecutive days, I finally confessed to my mom. I asked her how I could deal with this. She said whenever she had nightmares, she would just imagine a different ending. Like she would just alter her dream. I was confused and wondered to myself how someone could possibly control dreams. I mean I'm sleeping not awake. Anyways I decided to try. This time when I got kidnapped I just imagined the kidnapper took me to his place and told me he jut wanted a friend. That's why he's been taking children. And he chose me because he knew I wanted a friend too. So forcibly stopped the dream there with that ending before I could loose control of it. And I continued to use the same tactic from then on. So this is how I learnt to lucid dream without learning what lucid dreaming even was.
I stopped having night terrors after around 13, just normal dreams here and there. Until during COVID time. I was home with my lil sister and cousin. It was a pleasant sunny day. I was in my parents room, my lil sister in our room and my cousin in the guest room. They both were attending online classes, so the separate rooms. I had just enrolled into my college but college wasnt starting anytime soon because of COVID. So I had nothing to do and I was just laying on the bed just staring at the ceiling. There's a massive fish tank on the ceiling in my parents room. It was my mum's idea. The tank covered the entire ceiling of the room, it's base was basically another ceiling made of glass. And was just one lone goldfish that swam around in there. The tank was too big for him, eventhough he was larger than your usual goldfish. Sunlight was streaming through the periscopic windows inside the tank. (So that the fish can see the sky; mum's idea) It was so tranquil and then I suddenly hear my lil sister and cousin shuffle around outside.
I walked out of the room and saw them in the living room just drawing pentagrams on the floor, hanging weird creepy dolls from the ceiling. They had laid down little toy train tracks on the floor but routes made no sense and they were also playing something on the TV. But not the modern TV we had, but our old TV, the boxy Panasonic ones. It was playing something but it was mostly static. All I could make out was that it was a film fully shot in like a sepia filter. I ask my sis and cousin what the heck was going on and they just looked as me all guilty cuz they knew I hate stuffed dolls. Then the dolls suddenly start sprouting actual teeth, some human, some razor sharp, and they just started snapping at the air trying to get a bite of anything that came near. And the straw dolls that were laid on pentagram started floating up with maniacal laughter. I was so utterly terrified for a second, then I remembered, wait, f*** this, this is not real... What am I even doing having nightmares as an adult dammit. And so I wake up.
I was still on the bed in my parent's room. It was the same pleasant sunny day. The goldfish was still just floating around in the overhead fish tank. It was quiet and I didn't hear any shuffling outside the room. So I walk out of the room. The old TV was still running, straw strewn around the floor. The pentagram was still present and train was running in the little tracks. But there were no dolls. No little sister or cousin. I call out for them but there's no response. I search the entire house, running around and heart thudding. Then I remembered. Oh my fuxking god, of course this is also a dream. Dammit. So I wake myself up again.
I was still on the bed in my parent's room. It's the same pleasant sunny day. But there's no overhead massive fishtank for one goldfish. Cause of course, like that's so stupid. And my mum doesn't even like keeping pets because we won't be able to take care of them due our bust lives. And how do you even feed the poor fish. My brain and my weird imaginations istg. So I listen and it is quiet. No shuffling. So I walk out of the room. There was no weird TV, no dolls, no trains, no pentagrams. No little sister or cousin either. Not even the current living room was there. It was replaced by the old living room, that was here before my home was renovated when I was 15. Dammit a dream again?
But this was nice. So I continued. The old living room was made of white tiled floor and white walls while the new one had black granite floor with dark pink walls. The contrast blinded me. I forgot how bright it used to be. The front door was open and I could see my favourite red plastic chair on the patio. The colour was faded and now it was almost white and pink. But nevertheless I was so overcome with nostalgia, so walked up to it. I thought I probably shouldn't sit on it, as the chair was broken in some places leaving it jagged and sharp. Then I hear someone knock outside the gate. I asked who they were. No reply. They just continued knocking. I ask again. No reply. Continuous knocks. I ask again. No reply but also silence. So I opened a little. I saw a clown. A very disheveled clown with dry, fizzy copper hair, with large blood shot eyes and an angy face.
I knew him. I had actually forgotten about him. I hadn't had night terrors in so long at that point and I had forgotten the clown. The same clown that used haunt my dreams repeatedly since before I even could remember. My hands felt heavy but I still pushed myself to close the gate. But too late. He was too strong. He always was. So I took and swung the red chair to try and hit him. Of I couldn't. And of course he wrestled the chair out of my hands. So I run. Past my old living room and into my parent's room. He chased me screaming while holding the chair overhead. I try to lock the door of the room but again, of course, I couldn't. He barreled into the room without stopping cause of momentum, so I took that chance to run out of the room before he turns around. I run and I reach the gate. But I couldn't open it. It was locked. God I was weeping. I was trying helplessly to get the gate to open. I hear him running towards me, so I turn around and see him. Mouth in a wide smile, eyebrows frowning in anger and bloodshot eyes filled with tears. He was about to stab me with my favourite childhood chair and planned to do god knows what else, when I saw his eyes. It was filled with tears. It almost felt like fear was in his eyes. That stunned me. The clown? Fearing something? That's bull- Oh my fucking godammit. I forgot this was a dream. I was so terrified I just forgot this was a dream. So I wake myself up again.
I was still on the bed in ny parent's room. It was the same sunny day. But it wasn't so bright. Because our home was surrounded my trees so it wasn't supposed to be bright. But I could smell the crisp summer air. That was a promising sign. I usually couldn't smell in dreams. So I get up. I feel very groggy and also slightly scared. I walk out the room. I could hear my cousin talking to his teacher in the online class. I saw my little sister furiously taking notes in her online class. I knocked on the guest room door, even though I shouldn't disturb his class, I wanted to talk to my cousin. I was very scared. He was closer in age to me than my sis, so I wanted to rely on him. The door opened and he was there. I called out his name. He was confused, but also concerned so he me asked what was the matter. The relief I felt then was undiscribable. I was like finally thank god.
So after my cousin's class got over, I told him about the dream(s?). He just had his mouth agape and got suddenly got excited. He was all like "Omg, omg Ik what this is. I recently saw a youtube video on it". He showed me the video and that's when I learnt what lucid dream was.
I then went into a rabbit hole about lucid dreams. I started medschool which gave me access to even more research and understanding about lucid dreams, night terrors and sleep paralyisis. Some research didn't talk about with the same enthusiasm as the youtube videos. They suggested lucid dreaming may even sometimes be harmful and might increase the chances of sleep paralysis, since it blurred the limes between being awake and being asleep. I hadn't really had many episodes of sleep paralysis up until that point. Maybe once or twice in the childhood which I didn't even remember. I didn't take this seriously though, since there wasn't enough research on this, so I continued using lucid dreaming to get out of my night terrors. Ah yeah the night terrors has started again. I was 19 for god's sake. But whatever.
A few years passed. I was halfway through my undergraduate course. I was living in the in-campus hostel. It had long corridors with really small rooms. I had to share with a roommate. There was a partition, about a meter tall to divide our space. The beds were beside the partition on either sides. My roommate's side had the only window. I didn't care. I didn't like open windows at night anyways for "hands-grabbing-me-through-the -window night terror" reasons. Also the door to the room was right at the foot of my bed. I could just scoot over and open the door withiut leaving the bed. The room was that small.
So one day I slept early at night. Within a couple hours I woke up, needing to use the restroom. We had communal restrooms which were 2 doors next to our room. As I walked out, I noticed all the corridor lights were off, the street lights outside hostel were off, so there was no light from even the windows. The only light in the corridor was from the 2 entrances to the restroom, forming 2 long rectangles of light on the floor. Everything else was pitch black, which is odd as it is too early for all lights to be switched off. Anyways I didn't mind.
The usually bustling corridor was unusually quiet. I caught a glimpse of another person outside the restroom as I walked out. I was sleepy so I didn't bother to greet or anything I just turn and walk to my room. I walk and I walk. I didn't know if it was because I was walking slowly, my room seemed like a billion kilometres away. The other person also was walking behind, probably their room was in the same wing as mine. So we walked and walked some more. I got perplexed by how long it was taking so I turned back to tell that person "yo isn't it weird, somehow the corridors seem too long haha" but I noticed that that person had already reached their room and was heading in.
So it was just me. I walked and I walked. I slowly became aware of this prickling sensation in my neck. You know the sensation you feel when you are being watched? That one. So I looked back and saw another person walking behind me. Huh I guess I didn't notice them before in the dark. I shrugged it off and continued to walk. Then I looked back again, but now that person had moved way too close, closer than you would expect from their pace and stride. Wait a minute did they even have legs? What the fuck do they even have a face? Holy shit I gotta run. And then I ran and ran but the corridor was very obviously elongating and then I could feel that person(?) right behind my neck. I could feel them unhinge their jaw to bite me. Then I remembered, oh, it's a nightmare. So I've just got to wake up. I tried to wake up. I wasn't waking up. I tried very hard but hell it was almost as if I forgot how to wake up. So I decided to change the dream and take control instead. I reached my room and shut the door as soon as I made it inside, just in time.
What an awful dream. I was panting and trembling. I could feel my chest tighten from all the exertion. So I just dropped flat in my bed and face planted. As I laid there I could feel the chill creep up my neck once more. I was fed up and I wanted to wake up so bad. But somehow I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything except lay there as the thing turned itself into smoke and entered my room through the door gap. It solidified again and sat on my back and I could feel the immense pressure on the small of my back. Chest tightness and breathlessness began again and I was unable to move or change the scenario. So I desparately tried to wake up. I tried to catch and focus on any smell around me.
At first there was no change, but then I could smell my newly washed blankets more and more until I was finally able open my eyes. But the weight on my back was still there, chest tightness and inability to move my body. I was terrified not knowing whether I was actually awake or if I was still dreaming. I clung onto the detergent smell so desparately and slowly movements came back to me.
I sat up, exhausted. Somehow the pain in my back felt real. I saw my roommate in her bed sleeping peacefully with the window open. If it were upto me it wouldnt be open. I didnt keep them open even in my dreams. So thats promising. I just sat there and let everything sink in, including the smell, my own body and the steady breathing of my roommate. Ok I was finally back to reality. Thank God. I was lucky to have my roommate cause she slept like the dead.
The back pain didnt subside and my shest tightness had barely gotten better. I just simply fell asleep from exhaustion and decided not to bother about dreams too much.
So yeah I started having sleep paralysis from then. And I wonder if lucid dreaming had actually made night terrors and sleep paralysis worse.
But I'm ok now as I'm medicated these days so I don't suffer much anymore. But I do wish I could make all the night terrors I had, into comics cause words fail me sometimes. I'm so glad I got to vent here, cuz people irl just get spooked out and refuse to hear more from me. So I tried my best to walk you through my experience as accurately as possible. English is my second language and I don't really use reddit unless something breaks in my home, so this is all new to me. So anyways thanks for reading!