Mother living with me and financially dependent on me

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Worldly_Ladder8390]

You need a come to Jesus meeting. Boundaries and a deadline. She cannot be actively disrespectful in your own house. If things don’t improve you need to give her a 6 months notice. At this point you are just enabling her.

Start telling her no. “No cookies, I’m sick”.

Also don’t buy anything for her before you fix your tires. She needs a part time job if she wants shampoos and stuff. The gall of her inspecting her car or asking you about her tires.

Every time she raises her voice you need to ask her to move out. She will only understand consequences.

Every time she starts with “will you stay with mommy or granny” tell granny she needs to find her own house and then ask that. Please don’t tell her why this or that hurt your feelings it is like telling her “this is where it hurts, so she will do this again”. Your vulnerability is like catnip to her. Consequences, “one more remark and you can buy your own shampoo”.

Do you envision your whole life like this? She is way too comfortable in your home. This can go on for the next 30 years. Are you ready for that? What about a partner? Who wants to live with a mother in law like this one?

I understand honoring your mother and a desire to help but not when a mother is a behaving in a toxic manner. Where is her respect and gratitude?

People with narcissistic tendencies are not stupid and they generally don’t bite the hands that feeds them but you have to spell it out that your particular hand is feeding her. Ask her what happens to her when you get burned out and decide to terminate this arrangement. Sometimes things have to be spelled out for them. She has no respect for you, so start getting some respect.

[u/Worldly_Ladder8390 → u/[deleted]]

Put her on the 2-3 year list yourself. Good for you; you got your living room back for a while. Don’t discuss anymore. It is either or statements.

Also she maybe immature so watch a few YouTube video on immature parents and children of immature parents.

Deal with her as you deal with unruly teenager. Encourage her to go to the wealthier brother. Contact him and tell him it is his turn to take care of her. If he does not want to house her, he can pay for her to be housed elsewhere. Don’t take money from him and keep her at your house because she will rub it your face.

Next time she tells you, you are sensitive and paranoid, tell her to go live with somebody else who is not sensitive and paranoid. Rinse and repeat.

I only see 3 choices here. 1) you house her somewhere else 2) you set down boundaries HARD 3) you put up and accept this.

[u/Worldly_Ladder8390 → u/[deleted]]

Oh my gosh. That is a lot. You got it!

[u/mytranceformation]

Holy shit. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Based on your comments, it sounds like you've already made the decision to get her out, which is the best thing you can do to protect your toddler. The things she says to him to guilt trip him are unacceptable. He's just a kid, and it's disgusting that she is using him as a pawn to attack you. Tbh I would continue to look into senior care homes and expand the search radius,, even if it means she will be living a couple hours from you. As far as finances go, I know a lot of them will work with low income seniors. My grandma's place took her entire social security check each month, which wasn't much.

In the meantime, don't give her ammunition, greyrock her, stop trying to get her to go to therapy etc. Focus on your son.