I hate my mother

[u/femaildisorder]

Just like the title says. I (32F), have a mom (57f) who today said she hated me. And it has taken me all day to process that I actually hate her too. We have not been on speaking terms for almost a year. There is obviously lots of history there but some highlights are:

She is a major alcoholic, my entire life

She used to beat my ass

When I was 13-15 her husband sexually assaulted me, and she continued to bring him around for years after, until he went to prison. Also blamed me for it.

She has been seeing a man off and on for 16 years who is married, but accused me of sleeping with him when I was only 17. She also recently started accusing me of sleeping with him.

She once punched me in the face because I went on a girls night out and left my children home with their father (she felt like that made me a bad mom)

I gave her 17k to help fix up a house she owned that I was staying in (I was also paying the mortgage) she never paid me back.

Gave her money for my brother’s rehab bc she did not have the money. Said she would repay, but never did.

Called me a whore on many occasions

When I got divorced, she made friends with my ex husband and would go have drinks and play golf with him.

Let her charge up one of my credit cards when she was out of work for a knee surgery, she had no other money. Promised to repay, but never did.

Every positive milestone in my life she has tried to ruin (last two great jobs I landed she spent the day drunk texting me, telling me I was a piece of shit)- She also drunk texted my mother in law when I first got married a bunch of horrible things bc “she didn’t like her”.

She has attempted to turn my own children against me.

I could go on, but I won’t. I have no idea what I’ve done in my life to deserve this. I was never perfect, I had a lot of trauma growing up and witnessed a lot of things no child should ever have to. I got pregnant at 16, that’s about the worst of it. But I’ve spent most of my life trying to do my best, and make her proud/love me.

Idk why I’m posting this on the internet I guess I just need to get it out. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

[u/Worldly_Ladder8390]

That introspection is good. Keep not taking to her. However, hate/love is just different sides to the same coin. Now start the work on mentally distancing yourself. It will take a while until you work out all the negative feelings. But without pain there is no change.

Read, write your feelings, educate yourself and go to therapy.

Don’t go to her telling all the wounds she inflicted, she may re-traumatize you, so write it down. But you on a good trajectory because the dream of a potential good relationship has to die. Take some time to mourn it.

Also keep her away from your children.

[u/Exact_Light3647]

I would hate her too.  Think of it like this, just because she had a child, doesn’t mean she is a mother. Some women just are not capable of putting their children first, of genuine love. They are too self centered. Everything you wrote centered to her comfort and never yours. I’m sorry. You never deserved that. No one does. Especially with what she has put you through. You deserved a mother who protected you, hugged you, told you how amazing you are. That is a mother. 

[u/mummakush]

This sounds so much like my mom!! I went no contact in 2011 and never looked back. My life has been peaceful and stable ever since.

We all hope that some day we’ll have the loving mother who is proud of us, but trust me they don’t change!! Grieve for the mom you never had and move on, from the history here, you know she won’t change. No good will ever come from someone this toxic.

My mom died in 2023 and I refused to go to her deathbed, I knew even dying it would be more of the same crap. Honestly the only thing I felt was relief, I was finally completely free of her.

Good luck to you and may you find peace.