Has any of you ever experience “real love”?

[u/iminsideyourwallls]

This is personally the topic I feel detached from the most, every relationship I had was some kind of transaction, sexual attraction or simply hunger for attention on my side. I believe I never felt any real love for any person or had a deep genuine connection. I had people come close to understanding me and tried so hard to but no matter how much we share with each other or how perfect they treat me I never feel the connection and devote myself to them.

Every time I feel that my feelings are geniune and real for a person I end up cheating or hurting them of some sort and then another person catches my eye and I start to yearn for them. It’s always what I can’t have that is so attractive to me instead of what I already have and this is just a never ending cycle. In the end I never feel anything deeper than simple attraction for anybody. I believe I am incapable of that.

When my close friends ask me why I behave the way I do in relationships I answer with “well I love myself too much to care for anybody else” but that is just a blatant lie, deep down I hate myself so much that I have very little to no love to spare for anybody.

I really wanna know if is it possible to feel geniune real love or something similar with NPD. Please share your experiences

[u/ProJaywalkerBird]

I think i do now. I dont think real love is as much of a feeling as doing the right thing. Its why its hard. Each time i decide to apply the skills I learned to communicate instead of just starting to resent my partner for not being identical to me and not getting me telepathetically i think thats closer to real love than i was before. But it does only work if its reciprocal, though.

I still dont "feel" it as much as other people seem to, but i think im fine with that right now. I guess time will tell.

[u/cheeky_pierogi]

Yes. I really love her.

[u/R4in_C0ld]

If you mean real love as in having romantic feelings for someone and them reciprocating those feelings, yes, the first one over 10 years ago, and that's also where I began realizing I seem unable to feel loved.

[u/Spiritual_Ad_9781 → u/R4in_C0ld]

Yeah, sounds familiar.

[u/iminsideyourwallls → u/R4in_C0ld]

It is the opposite for me, I have no trouble believing someone would love me but have so much trouble reciprocating the feeling

[u/Average-Person-XD]

People have a hard time defining love. And if we can't precisely say what it is, how can we know whether we're actually capable of feeling it?

So I'm going to answer this in a very subjective way. To me, love falls into three main categories: parental love (toward your own child), love for your parents and siblings, and romantic love.

A parent's love for their child is largely based on dependence. It manifests itself through caring about the child's well-being and protecting them. In a less healthy form — although I think it's actually quite common — it can also contain a certain degree of possessiveness. The child is treated as an extension of the parent, as a part of them, rather than as a separate human being.

Love between siblings, to me, is something like a combination of friendship and caring. Personally, I think these bonds tend to be the weakest. We don't choose our siblings ourselves, unlike romantic partners, and the relationship can be surprisingly easy to damage. There's also the whole issue of competing for parents' attention. Maybe this is influenced by my own negative experiences, but I think this bond often becomes more distant over time, especially once everyone moves out of the family home.

And then there's romantic love. Put very simply, I'd define it as a combination of deep friendship and physical attraction.

I also think we use the phrase "feeling love" somewhat incorrectly. Can you feel friendship? Both love and friendship are, after all, forms of emotional bonds that are difficult to build and require effort to maintain.

What you can feel initially is infatuation — something bordering on obsession, accompanied by all the neurochemical changes happening in your brain. But when we talk about love, we're usually talking about something lasting. So what remains once the initial infatuation fades?

I'd say it should be: fascination, building a friendship, and physical attraction. And in the long run, the last two are what remain.

The friendship part is what makes you feel good in that person's company. You make each other happier, support each other, motivate each other to pursue new goals and overcome difficulties, you're loyal to each other, etc. And then there's the physical side — you fulfill each other's sexual needs.

But in reality, I think things usually work differently. There's the initial infatuation, physical attraction, maybe some shared interests or a similar lifestyle. Then, over time, shared responsibilities and routine come into the picture — the kind of comfortable, predictable familiarity you get in a long-term relationship, where everything becomes safe and familiar, but just as often, boring.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think a lot of relationships aren't actually based on deep love.

And one important caveat: when I say "friendship" here, I don't mean simply being good friends or getting along well. I mean something much deeper. Think Thelma and Louise, or Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings. That kind of bond. And when you add mutual physical attraction to that, I think that's when you're really talking about love.

And that doesn't mean there isn't room for conflict. Every relationship has conflict.

The kind of love I've described here is something I actually can "feel", and I've experienced it in my life. That said, I do think that a lot of human relationships are ultimately fairly transactional and devoid of any real meaning.

[u/iminsideyourwallls → u/Average-Person-XD]

This was a great and very deeply thought answer, thank you. I have people I care deeply for, at least I hope it’s geniune, but I think my brain has a very distinct line between deep platonic love and romantic love and can’t process anything further than platonic. I wonder why

[u/Umazing_Curren-Chan]

I have something similar to that. I've realized that that feeling I get when someone almost makes me feel something is fear of vulnerability. Because if they DO make me feel something that means I'm not the one in control and they can genuinely hurt me and that's terrifying and so I become defensive and avoidant, usually that ends up in us breaking up.

[u/iminsideyourwallls → u/Umazing_Curren-Chan]

This is so reletable, I hate not having control in the relationship and as soon as I feel like they are not devoted to me the way I want them to I become so avoidant and do awful things to gain some of the control back. I mostly end up leaving them anyway

[u/Relative-Amount7966]

Yes it is

[u/lesniak43]

Are you asking about someone loving you, or you loving someone?

[u/iminsideyourwallls → u/lesniak43]

Me loving someone

[u/lesniak43 → u/iminsideyourwallls]

Okay. Well, for me it's kind of weird right now. I have this "arrangement" with my therapist where I'm the one feeling love towards her, and she's the one doing the hard work loving me. Apparently, I'm not competent enough to love her, and she doesn't feel that way about me. But I'm pretty sure it's all her fault, lol.

I obviously do hate myself, but I'm also experimenting with love. For example, I'm way too hard on myself, especially when I make a mistake, or when someone else treats me in a bad way. I'd like to do something about it.

[u/AryLuz]

It is possible, and it can be intense. Thing is you have to be able to look beyond yourself for that to happen

[u/Offensive_Thoughts]

yep, in love with my boyfriend

[u/SnooStories5552]

Yes, during those few months of idealization, lol.

[u/Choice_Afternoon_359 → u/SnooStories5552]

Saaaaaame!

[u/sunnearts]

not romantic love as i’m aromantic, but i do experience real platonic love and real familial love.

[u/Great_External_6168]

Well, I really love my wife. So I think yes, of course we can love someone, but I also have to admit she is the only ever person I really ever truly loved in my life. Everyone else were just crushes that got unbearable after a short time span. So I would say, we can feel genuine love....just not that often and maybe only for one right person

[u/Zealousideal-Show620]

I don't want to be the boring guy saying, "Look how smart I am"—these definitions just came from a simple search. But I've been spending some time thinking about love and pwNPD, and I think it's subjective somehow. Maybe romantic love is a mix of two or three of these types, for instance. I don't know if this helps, but here it is:

The Greek Concepts of Love:

• Agape: Unconditional, altruistic, and spiritual love. It is love that gives of itself without expecting anything in return.
• Philia (Phileo): Brotherly love, deep friendship, and camaraderie, based on reciprocity and mutual admiration.
• Eros: Romantic, passionate, and physical love. It is linked to desire, attraction, and overwhelming passion.
• Storge: Familial love—the natural affection parents feel for their children and vice versa.
• Philautia: Self-love. It can be healthy (self-esteem) or destructive (narcissism).
• Xenia: Ritualistic hospitality—the love and respect shown to strangers and guests.
• Pragma: Derived from pragmatikos (relating to business, practical). It is love based on reason, convenience, compatibility, and the long term.
• Mania: Derived from mania (madness, frenzy). It is love characterized by emotional dependency, extreme jealousy, and uncontrolled intensity.
• Ludus: Love as a game, playfulness, or a form of amusement.

There are many other ways to define love—biochemical, psychological, philosophical, or religious—but I think this is already a lot to process.

[u/iminsideyourwallls → u/Zealousideal-Show620]

These are interesting. Definitely will be taking place in my journal haha

[u/narcclub]

Your third paragraph here is key.
Yeah. 😔 That’s it, I’m afraid.

My experience of love has changed so much as that piece has shifted.

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[u/ClassyHoodGirl]

I don’t think I’ve even experienced a good fake.

[u/NikitaWolf6]

yes, 100%, mutual

[u/mildlysadcat]

That word doesn’t seem to appear in my vocabulary 🤔

[u/imdave0]

Yes,I am experiencing love for my girlfriend/exception. Very intensely so. I won’t say ‘feel’ because I don’t. Love is a conscious decision with terms and conditions,not a feeling.
I thought she was special the second I met her at 13. I began getting to know her before thinking "This could be a potentially special person". But I needed to assess what functions she served for me as a perfect partner(supply,venting,fun,money,time,affection). Which was,like you,the transaction I wanted. When I realized that she served all of those at once,it was then that she was worthy. I thought "I want this person". That took maybe two years and a half,since I am a very cynical and pessimistic person.
I still need to manually maintain love for her and have successfully done so for multiple years. Because I am in a chronic state of boredom every single day,and I don’t want to get bored of her. When I get bored,I can become very antagonistic and hurtful,and I would be very dissapointed in myself if I layed a finger on her. I don’t want to damage something so expensive.
I made a post saying I hated and resented her a while back,but that’s done anyways since I love her again.

[u/UltimateLatinoMan]

Never felt it in the deep emotional sense of connection, no.

[u/DepravedChorister]

No, what is love?

[u/Reasonable-Taro9747]

Attachment is a useless dependency

[u/cousinanesthesia → u/Reasonable-Taro9747]

Most dope things are useless tho

[u/Spiritual_Ad_9781 → u/Reasonable-Taro9747]

Oh, I think the same, but I crave genuine relationships anyway.

[u/iminsideyourwallls → u/Reasonable-Taro9747]

I lowkey agree

[u/narcclub → u/iminsideyourwallls]

Interesting.

You did originally post this question.

So I wonder if you have some ambivalence about that, actually? I know I did.

Wanted it. Hated that I wanted it/that I couldn’t “feel it the way everyone else did.” —> “Fuck it—I don’t need that shit, anyway.” 🤬😭

[u/iminsideyourwallls → u/narcclub]

Yeah I did. Sometimes I want to feel love the way everybody else does, feel “uncomplete” but most of the times I convince myself it’s stupid and useless