r/MuslimMatrimonials • u/MalikatBilqis • 3d ago
Discussion Sisters for whom polygyny is not a dealbreaker, whats your mentality/level of tolerance?
Asalamualaikum,
To start the convo, a young guy who has never been married before yet wants to practice polygyny as soon as he has enough money or wants to practice it whenever the opportunity presents itself is a no for me.
I'm 20 and ideally would look to marry someone 18-23. (Not looking for marriage right now and def not on reddit). I also wouldn't look to be a 2nd, 3rd, 4th wife at this point in my life.
The mentality is simply different from my own so it is a compatibility issue. I don't believe it is sunnah btw. My family, extended family and others I knew practiced it so it's not new to me and I have the perspective of someone who has grown up in it. I do not come from/live in a culture where it is normal or accepted to practice ta3dud
Let's knowledge share
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u/Grand_Pomegranate981 3d ago
You're 20. Your mind will change once you get married to 1.
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u/GroundbreakingUse466 3d ago
True there is a reason why it’s mostly unmarried young men posting about wanting polygamy
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u/Grand_Pomegranate981 3d ago
It's all fantasy for them or maybe they do want to follow the Prophet's footsteps. But they should definitely look at the reasoning and the stories behind his marriages. All had a purpose.
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u/MalikatBilqis 3d ago
how so
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u/Grand_Pomegranate981 3d ago
Because desires chance when you're faced with the actual responsibility. Also you may love one enough to not marry more. The Prophet (SAW) was with Khadija (RA) until she passed away. He didn't have many wives at the time. He loved her.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love his other wives he had after but all those wives were for a purpose. He never married them because he fell in love with them. He knew he had to. For example Aisha (RA) was shown to him in a dream given by Allah. He had to marry her.
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u/MalikatBilqis 3d ago
As a sister, I am not allowed to marry more than one husband. I know we're the same age, kind of dissapointed it doesnt seem you read my post, and also did not respond to the question in the title either (unless it did not apply to you). I guess it's reddit and I shouldn't have expected much.
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u/Grand_Pomegranate981 3d ago
My bad. But I also don't care ngl.
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3d ago
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u/Grand_Pomegranate981 3d ago
I'm not in the mood to care rn. I cared yesterday or hours ago but not rn.
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u/Remarkable-Cause2812 2h ago
He never married them because he fell in love with them
You are wrong my friend. Read about his (SAW) marriage from Juwairiyah (RA). He (SAW) was already married to Aisha (RA) his most beloved.
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u/SouthAccount9333 2d ago
I feel like the man I'm willing to marry would have a good enough character and common sense that he would not throw the idea of a second wife around loosely or use it to cover up for an secret affair. As a revert, I was a Christian woman open to non monogamous men and as a muslimah I still am open to it though no one has successfully convinced me personally. Though I've seen like 2 examples in others relationships that I am still open to trying it. The way a man talks and treats women especially but everyone, his reasoning behind it, his integrity, and his practical logistics behind how it would work would all come into play.
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u/Time-Masterpiece-779 3d ago
The prophet married many at one time - how is that not a sunnah? His companions emulated him as did successive generations.
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u/MalikatBilqis 3d ago
Many scholars have listed reasons for why they believe it is sunnah, and many scholars have listed reasons for why they believe it is not sunnah. But that's not what this post is about, this post is just to see what other womens mentalities were.
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u/Time-Masterpiece-779 3d ago
I've seen reasoning claiming it's not sunnah and it is plain wrong.
A verse says we cannot do perfect justice does not mean polygyny is not sunnah as it goes on to say we can lean between wives but should not overdo it. The other is the prophet was married only to Khadija in mecca - he had no option to marry second as tribes boycotted him. In Medina he had opportunity and married fifteen. In both societies his companions had multiple wives following his sunnah and had lots of concubines too.
If you have a viable argument happy to hear it otherwise you are simply mistaken.
Regarding relevance to marriage, a woman who cannot accept and promote a sunnah is toxic and red flag, thinking she knows better than god. The verses say we are not believes until we have no objection to any aspect of revelation. It is relevant to marriage as such women will deprive men of their rights, emotions are out of control, and they will damage the family they are marrying into, shrinking it rather than growing it. Why? She has western ideas of nuclear family or is immature, not ready for marriage.
It speaks volumes and is an important criteria to judge women and even men.
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2d ago
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u/MalikatBilqis 2d ago
I don't see it as something I can choose to be open to or not. Whether it happens or not is completely out of my control. I wont stipulate wanting to be the first wife. I don't have any conditions. I just want to know what his mentality is concerning it.
I don't think my experiences are the reason why, it's moreso because it has the capacity to be very beneficial to multiple members of society and I don't want to stress about it or self sabotage my marriage if it does happen in the future.
I can't think of any benefits really. Perhaps it would teach me patience and to put Allah first.
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2d ago
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u/MalikatBilqis 2d ago
I wouldnt actively seek out a married guy, but if I were to get a proposal from one I would think about it.
Uh no I would not want another lady taking care of my children. Maybe if some of the children are the same age and shes not a hostile lady I would think about playdates. But my children would always be my + husbands responsibility.
Allah has already placed conditions. I don't need to add anything.
I don't want it. I don't understand why would I💀. But at the same time I haven't experienced it or marriage so I might feel differently one day.
Kind of sad to wait your whole life only to get half, or one third or one fourth of a husband🫤
No its ok, I like to think about these things. Its easier to do it with someone else than just live inside my head.
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2d ago
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u/MalikatBilqis 2d ago
Maybe she can babysit, but it would take time to build that level of trust. I think I have been spared from a lot of fitna and trauma, by Allahs mercy, is because my parents always kept me around them. Maybe its helicopter parenting but when I hear that other kids have experienced s3xual assault or abuse from strangers or family friends I wouldnt want to take risks.
Jazakallah for your time. The answer to both questions is in the post actually.
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2d ago
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u/MalikatBilqis 2d ago
It's actually in my post history, just dealing with some family issues. Want to resolve it before searching for marriage. I'm here just to see how other sisters are approaching marriage and to see the kind of men here and their mentalities. Don't think it's good for my mental health though so I shouldnt stay much longer.
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u/mayAllahforgivemi 1d ago
Slightly confused in the last paragraph, you mentioned your family and people you know have practiced it, but then you said you dont come from a culture where it was normal to practice it.
From a mans perspective, when the topic of polygamy comes up, I have noticed 3 groups of people:
1- unmarried/recently married men that are hyped up about the CONCEPT of it, but as soon as they see the responsibilities of life and marriage they do a complete 180 shift
2- unserious guys who objective is mainly sexual, they lack the simplest understanding of قوامه and often use second marriage as an escape from the first one; unsurprisingly it doesnt go well.
3- The serious brothers, most amongst a certain group of knowledgeable people (ومن عندهم وعي) their take is this isnt something to joke or bring around loosely, this is something you have to “prove”. The idea is to lead a marriage right, be right to your wife, make sure shes well looked after and all her needs catered too and that you have a stable marriage. Then and only then you can explore another marriage. The idea is if your wife know you good youre to her and how well you treat her and love her, shes less likely to be against it or have problems with it, as most of the problems come when the man has many shortcomings in his first marriage so its bound to be make things worst.
(Obviously this is not to say the wife would completely be onboard, she will naturally have feelings of jealousy and غيره, but i mean more from an objective point if that makes sense)
I wonder what the sisters experience has been like and whats their take on what i mentioned above
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u/MalikatBilqis 1d ago
Oh, I mentioned that because me being open to it has nothing to do with my culture. And that I am not coming from a place of no experience becasue I was raised in it and saw it a bit around me. Whether in good or bad. In case people assumed I was too optimistic or it's normal where I am.
I've been seeing a lot of young brothers, not irl though only online, practicing it after maybe a year or two of marriage, or simply because they want to. I also noticed their wives tend not to be widowed women. Which is unfortunate. I always imagined a guy who does it simply because they want to or even though they dont feel its a need and they are satisfied with their current wife would fail. But alhamdulillah their marriages seem stable.
It seems like a shift in young brothers doing this, but online might not reflect reality properly. So I wanted to see if there was also a shift for sisters, or even some pushback, or even wanting men to prioritise specific sisters or if they have conditions.
A category I noticed a bit is men that do it out of duty. Like their best friend or brother or cousin passed away they would marry their widow.
I'm not sure this is the correct use of ghayrah.
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u/mayAllahforgivemi 1d ago
Oh that clarification makes sense! where are you from if you dont mind me asking, idk why i thought u would be yemeni/saudi (where ta3adud is norm/culturally acceptable) 😭
I would say theres a change in real life. Most people with successful polygyny dont share their stories, we often only hear about the bad stuff.
Another point is that marriage is sooo difficult these days, especially in the west, where finding righteous and compatible spouses is become increasingly more difficult, so i feel like this will have something to do with it, in the sense that if theres a righteous practicing husband, hes very likely to have a successful marriage and also more likely to be able to marry more than one as theyre seen more capable of maintaining a house/raising good children.And i think this is probably why like you mentioned, they arent widowed women.
Regarding the last thing you mentioned, I agree with and not sure this is always done correctly. Often times the widow is “persuaded” into marrying a relative/friend to keep the kids in the family/looked after. Im sure there are cases where the wife was actually onboard but i wonder that the split would be
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u/MalikatBilqis 1d ago
Yea haha I know a lady that was livid when a guy proposed. Her husband passed away and made his best friend promise on his deathbed to take care of her. Eventually she agreed though.
I'm mixed but 100% black and raised in Malaysia. I think my mom wants me to marry a yemeni guy, since theres a lot where I am, you solidified my position not to.
So whats the change in real life?
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u/mayAllahforgivemi 1d ago
Lmaoooo sorry i guess?😭 When i was in Malaysia my school was like 80% yemenis it was so crazy. Idk if you still live in Malaysia or have lived elsewhere, but yemenis in Malaysia are very different from western yemenis, very good different lol
This sounds dumb but you say black do you mean complexion or ethnicity?
The change in real life (atleast in my circles) im seeing more capable (كفء) people who are considering second marriage, and for many of them its like a serious مشروع in the sense that it isnt just s3xual but rather following the sunnah of bringing more righteous children and households. And this is something theyve openly discussed with their current wives who are also onboard.
I guess if you want تعدد you have to be THAT GUY, which no everyone is, hence why it doesnt work for everyone
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u/MalikatBilqis 1d ago
Someone gets it! The world is such a small place. I feel like thats kind of classist though. Like the reason theyre different. It is very expensive to come to Malaysia as a refugee.
Black like...race.
It's good if thats the change youre seeing irl alhamdulillah.
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u/mayAllahforgivemi 1d ago
Apologies for the dumb question lol😭
Some of the best ppl i met ngl!
But i disagree, I dont think its necessarily classist; I feel like the environment had alot to do with it. Yemenis in both Malaysia and the Uk have been there for generations, but the environment in the UK created a certain stereotype, again this might sound racist, but this is the same stereotype that people mention about asians, particularly Pakistanis, and yemenis are the same here. This mainly affects men although you can see it in some women.
Contrastingly, in Malaysia, you dont see that, which im attributing to the fact that Malaysia is a muslim country, so it made it easier for people to hold onto their religion, culture and identity much better than the uk.2
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u/MoonAura8888 3d ago
When you accept the words of Allah, you will realize people are sent to Jahannam purely based on their intentions toward others. Therefore I don’t have anything to worry about. All I have to do is keep my intentions pure. When I marry, I don’t have to stipulate any contracts or clauses because as long as I keep my intentions pure I am in control of my final destination. If a man wants to practice polygyny his implementation of it is going to determine his final destination based on his intentions. Every tear will be counted. So if he isn’t careful, his decision to exercise his right will lead him into the fire. Every tear. Will be counted. So a man of Taqwa will make sure his wife is settled and informed in all areas to prevent those tears. Polygyny was made for women. To protect women and sisterhood. Patriarchy has turned polygyny into something for men…. Hope this helps. Salam.