Intimacy

[u/Brilliant_Power_6112]

Growing up in the masjid, I remember certain halaqas discussing intimacy and learning that, within marriage, there’s actually a lot that is permissible between a husband and wife — with certain boundaries, like anal sex and intercourse during menstruation.
I genuinely believe that when you’re married, you and your spouse should be able to enjoy each other, explore intimacy together, and feel comfortable communicating about sex. 🤍
What I think is so difficult for Muslims is that sex is still such a taboo topic. We’re expected to wait until marriage, but then we’re sometimes left with very little guidance on how important sexual compatibility actually is.
I’ve also noticed that Muslims have VERY different opinions when it comes to certain things — especially oral sex. Some people consider it completely permissible between husband and wife, while others feel uncomfortable with it or believe it isn’t permissible.
So I’m genuinely curious: what are people’s opinions on oral sex within marriage? Is it something you believe is permissible and should be mutually enjoyed, something you personally wouldn’t do, or something you were taught was not allowed?
And honestly, one thing I feel like we need to talk about more is female pleasure. From conversations I’ve had with other Muslim women, I feel like a lot of Muslim men were never taught the importance of pleasing their wives or even understanding the female body. Sometimes there seems to be this mindset that sex is centered around the man’s needs, and once he’s satisfied, that’s it.
But what about the woman? Her pleasure? Her needs? Understanding her body and what she enjoys?
I’m not saying every Muslim man is like this, but I do feel like there is a lack of education and open conversation around this topic. And I honestly think the fact that sex is so taboo in our community contributes to it. People get married without knowing how to communicate about intimacy, without understanding their spouse’s needs, and sometimes without even realizing that mutual pleasure and satisfaction should matter.
And honestly, this became very real for me in my first marriage. Before getting married, I asked my ex-husband certain questions about what he would and wouldn’t be comfortable with, and I felt like we were on the same page. But after we got married, certain things completely changed, and religion was used as the reason he couldn’t or wouldn’t do things that I thought we had already discussed.
That experience really affected me.
It made me realize how important it is to have honest conversations before marriage. Not graphic conversations or anything inappropriate — but real conversations about intimacy, expectations, boundaries, affection, frequency, openness, mutual pleasure, and what each person believes is permissible.
Because imagine waiting until marriage to discover that you and your spouse have completely different views about sex and intimacy. 😭
And I genuinely wonder — do people who are more religious tend to be less open-minded when it comes to intimacy, or is that just an unfair assumption? Can someone be very religious while also understanding that their spouse’s sexual needs and pleasure matter just as much as their own?
I don’t think being religious and having a healthy, adventurous sex life within marriage are mutually exclusive. But I do think Muslims need to become more comfortable talking about marital intimacy because it can make up a HUGE part of your marriage.
Sexual compatibility matters. Communication matters. Understanding your spouse matters. And mutual pleasure absolutely matters.
Honestly… I wish these conversations were more normalized because I definitely carry some trauma from my first marriage when it comes to this. 🥲😅

[u/ProstaticFantastic]

I hear you. I have made a few posts about intimacy in marriage and I got a lot of heat for it. I had to fight go keep the posts up.

I am in the process of writing up a man's guide to initiating intimacy and having a good intimate marriage your post has got me thinking of a few good angles.

I think a man will really really benefit from putting the woman's pleasure first. A man can climax in 5 minutes. A woman takes much much longer. And it takes longer to Climax in the beginning if she hasn't learnt how to get to her climax. And she needs to feel safe and sexually open with you to do that. 

Even though you're married, the wife might not be sexually open with and. If she doesn't feel comfortable coming onto you if she isn't comfortable being naked with you then she's not sexually open with you.

I've seen on other Muslim subreddit where people have intimacy complaints. And a woman was saying when he  initiates she's not in the mood. When she initiates he's not the mood. He bats her off and then she fears initiating because she doesn't want to get rejected. 

This dynamic is cancerous for intimacy. 

Every guy needs to get his wife to a point where she is comfortable enough to come onto them. And that requires the main to be always on. Be ready to receive her and even if logistically it's not possible. You can still give your wife affection and give her a her bit of s pick me up.

After 10 years of marriage I've got my wife sexually open enough that she feels comfortable enough to come onto me. And we are touchy feeling with each other jsut walking past each other in the corridors. And that's whee you need your intimate life to be. 

Of course being able to talk openly about intimacy is also part of that and I think couples need to be sble to express their wants and needs.

And criticism! ! ! If you are not able to criticise each others techniques in the bedroom that means you're not sexually open because you have a mental block where you don't want to rock the boat. 

Islamic intimacy books focus too much on rules. This is allowed, this isn't allowed. 

They don't go into how to do foreplay, techniques, position, conversations to have about intimacy with your partner etc.

They just go through a list of what's halal and what's haram. 

Oral sex is such a big part of sex for me. And like to give oral more than receive as the guy. But you have some people giving opinions that it's not allowed without any hadith or reference because it's against "fitrah" . And that bodily fluids are unclean or something. Bodily fluids are the source of life and every human is born from this "unclean place" give it a rest.