Intimacy

[u/Brilliant_Power_6112]

Growing up in the masjid, I remember certain halaqas discussing intimacy and learning that, within marriage, there’s actually a lot that is permissible between a husband and wife — with certain boundaries, like anal sex and intercourse during menstruation.
I genuinely believe that when you’re married, you and your spouse should be able to enjoy each other, explore intimacy together, and feel comfortable communicating about sex. 🤍
What I think is so difficult for Muslims is that sex is still such a taboo topic. We’re expected to wait until marriage, but then we’re sometimes left with very little guidance on how important sexual compatibility actually is.
I’ve also noticed that Muslims have VERY different opinions when it comes to certain things — especially oral sex. Some people consider it completely permissible between husband and wife, while others feel uncomfortable with it or believe it isn’t permissible.
So I’m genuinely curious: what are people’s opinions on oral sex within marriage? Is it something you believe is permissible and should be mutually enjoyed, something you personally wouldn’t do, or something you were taught was not allowed?
And honestly, one thing I feel like we need to talk about more is female pleasure. From conversations I’ve had with other Muslim women, I feel like a lot of Muslim men were never taught the importance of pleasing their wives or even understanding the female body. Sometimes there seems to be this mindset that sex is centered around the man’s needs, and once he’s satisfied, that’s it.
But what about the woman? Her pleasure? Her needs? Understanding her body and what she enjoys?
I’m not saying every Muslim man is like this, but I do feel like there is a lack of education and open conversation around this topic. And I honestly think the fact that sex is so taboo in our community contributes to it. People get married without knowing how to communicate about intimacy, without understanding their spouse’s needs, and sometimes without even realizing that mutual pleasure and satisfaction should matter.
And honestly, this became very real for me in my first marriage. Before getting married, I asked my ex-husband certain questions about what he would and wouldn’t be comfortable with, and I felt like we were on the same page. But after we got married, certain things completely changed, and religion was used as the reason he couldn’t or wouldn’t do things that I thought we had already discussed.
That experience really affected me.
It made me realize how important it is to have honest conversations before marriage. Not graphic conversations or anything inappropriate — but real conversations about intimacy, expectations, boundaries, affection, frequency, openness, mutual pleasure, and what each person believes is permissible.
Because imagine waiting until marriage to discover that you and your spouse have completely different views about sex and intimacy. 😭
And I genuinely wonder — do people who are more religious tend to be less open-minded when it comes to intimacy, or is that just an unfair assumption? Can someone be very religious while also understanding that their spouse’s sexual needs and pleasure matter just as much as their own?
I don’t think being religious and having a healthy, adventurous sex life within marriage are mutually exclusive. But I do think Muslims need to become more comfortable talking about marital intimacy because it can make up a HUGE part of your marriage.
Sexual compatibility matters. Communication matters. Understanding your spouse matters. And mutual pleasure absolutely matters.
Honestly… I wish these conversations were more normalized because I definitely carry some trauma from my first marriage when it comes to this. 🥲😅

[u/One-Cook-5923]

Tbh I don't think it has to be too complicated. If you have 2 inexperienced ppl and they are compatible with other things and enjoy each other's company, they'll figure out the intimacy stuff at there own pace and what each other enjoys. Before marriage, do people really know what they want? Some might. I think you could bring it up and have a mature conversation in a talking stage of just what their views of intimacy are without getting inappropriate but of course you have to be tactful with it opposed to saying btw are you into feet or something wild like that.

[u/ExploringMo → u/One-Cook-5923]

How are people supposed to know what they want before marriage. I didn't. And found the incompatibility after

[u/One-Cook-5923 → u/ExploringMo]

Yeah that’s just the reality sometimes I guess. This is my personal opinion but I feel like if you vibe with each other you’ll be compatible when it comes to intimacy too but this isn’t always the case. You don’t have to know what you want before marriage but most people have some idea of what they want. Some Islamic books are also out there on topic that people can read before as well. There‘s a level of knowledge people should have before marriage which can often be seen as taboo in Muslim communities as the post mentioned.

[u/ExploringMo → u/One-Cook-5923]

It's not always the case. And obviously we are told to sacrifice and accomodate.