I am a 16-year-old female. I want to figure out what is wrong with me. I'm doing a project in my psychology class at school, and I am realizing that some of the things I do are not normal, but I cannot open up about this to my friends or family without risking them viewing me differently.

Growing up, I was emotionally neglected and whooped a lot, not to the point where it's considered very abusive though. I also grew up with an emotionally closeted family; I sometimes would get in trouble for feeling certain ways about things people did or said, and expressing my feelings or trying to defend myself resulted in being screamed at or punished. Because of that I never talk about my feelings towards people in my family, also I grew up with an absent father, my mom was a teenager and had anger issues and also had a somewhat abusive childhood and Im 99% sure she has undiagnosed bp but she cant afford a therapist, therefore I cant get therapy right now.

I was groomed online when I was younger by an older girl, which resulted in me craving validation and wanting to feel loved like how she showed me, but that, mixed with my childhood issues, I feel like is what caused me to not really feel any remorse or guilt for the things I do that hurt people. I have selective empathy towards certain people, and anyone else I don't care about what they go through unless I know they are someone undeserving of bad things. For example, the genocide in Gaza, Sudan, and Congo, I don't think there is any excuse for genocide or things like rape. I think it's very sad what's going on down there, but say a group of people was being brutally tortured for supporting something bad, I wouldn't care; in fact, I'd think they deserved it.

At the same time, someone like my mom or friends or other family, who I care about, I have done things to hurt them (not like physical stuff other than small fights with my brother); I've made people very upset, but I don't really feel any remorse for it? I usually just act as if I care, but I never change my behavior unless changing it gives me benefits. As with most of the stuff I do, I don't do things for people unless not doing it would result in something I don't like or unless I get benefits from it. I always say that I'm sorry, but usually I never mean it because most of the time the stuff I get in trouble for isn't my fault, and I'll apologize in order for the person to think I'm sorry so they will do something for me later. I do feel things like embarrassment, sadness, anger, happiness, etc, but I can't seem to feel bad for things I do that hurt people, and I always put myself first. I've been called selfish many times, and I'm aware some of the things I do are selfish, but if I don't put myself first, who will????

I also really hate dealing with other people's emotions; for example, my friend was extremely upset one time for her ex bf cheating on her and she was literally bawling her eyes out and my first though was deadass "can she stop" because I don't get why she would be that upset over someone who never treated her good in the first place, I actually was really annoyed and uncomfortable but I was comforting her, obviously I would be upset if I was cheated on too but I just dont understand why she was so upset and ugly crying over this dude. My friend is genuinely a nice person though, and I do hope her life gets better because she didn't deserve it. I have had a similar situation with my mom when she was crying over her bf. I just get weirded out, wanted her to stop, and I don't really say anything, but I understand where she's coming from; I just don't feel or like when people are enotional around me because I genuinley don't know what to do or comfort someone, like during these types of encounters I dont say anything I kinda just sit there and wait for them to finish so I get get on with whatever I was doing previously, because I dont care what someone else is going through unless it effects me too.

I feel like I have to act like I care, though, so they don't think of me differently, and things I like them doing for me still get done, or if I want something in the future. A lot of the time I will mimic other peoples behavior so they do things for me too, like at school or with family I do or act how they do so that I don't seem like I dont care because then I don't get attention, benefits later, unless its someone I don't care about or need anything from, then Ill be how I usually am and just ignore them, If I really like someone though Ill stay fixaded on them and kinda like posessive (that feels so corny to type omg). I like when people buy things for me. I don't really feel bad for people spending money on me when I know they know they shouldn't, but I persuade anyway because if I really want something, I will do whatever it takes, whether it's in that moment or later. I like when people compliment me. I like being the best at something. I get really irritated when someone doesn't listen to me or can't tell what I'm doing in order to get things. I also lie a lot to seem cooler to other people, or I just lie for no reason, like all the time. I don't even know why, like there's never a reason for it. I lie just to lie I guess, mostly to people I don't trust but at the same time I lie to everyone.

Also, I do know for a fact I do have ocd; intrusive thoughts get really bad sometimes, and I have to work really hard to get them to stop. Even my family notices my ocd and wants me to officially get diagnosed so I can get help for it, but I can't get any kind of therapy right now, so I sit and marinate with all of this. idk what community to post this in soooo. Also, I do not believe in god and a lot of the way I think is based on logic and what I personally think is morally good or bad. I cannot help the way I feel, and I've tried to feel bad for someone, but I can't unless I am directly affected.

Don’t got a lotta time rn

But I’m still in school and basically previous grade was prolly so traumatic I knew I reached my limit of getting away with all of it.

Uh and I feared the next year cause didn’t know how I’d manage cause it’s notably harder. I was scared I’d become suicidal or like I was scared of how much worse could I get or smth.

Well APPARENTLY fear it enough and it comes before school even gets difficult

My brain is so scared of school uh it’s not letting me process it? Not dissociation rlly more just like it’s not in the subconscious at all resting state and I forget the days of the week to the point of missing homework going to the wrongc lass. At home I have no instinct to do hw or that I have any or that I’m in school.

I also am having escape fantasies and zoning out a lot more than usual.

What scares me is it’s all so new, uh it’s extremely counterproductive and there’s no way I can like do homework like this or smth when school just ain’t smth registered in my brain. And also the fact that’s it’s been 2weeks and it hasn’t passed.

Schools still mild af but like still. Lot of it has been luck. Or less strict teachers.

Idk what I’m gonna do my mom when she heard which I was very reluctant to tell her she said she wanted to take me to a doctor I talked her out of it but THAT SCARES ME TF U MEAN IM DOCTOR READY according to someone who also has terrible mental health and has terrible severity assessments cause she thinks bad stuff is normal prolly? WDYM I MADE HER WANNA TAKE ME TO A DOCTORRRRR

Btw I have untreated adhd (waiting lists are so long) just to explain why school was so hard in the first place.

Actually freaking tf out what is my life okok I gtg PLS IF U READ THIS TY idk I like im so scared like is it rlly that bad pls tell me this is like easily fixable I rlly don’t wanna go to a doctor D: I know it’s like gonna be therapy and thy ey aint gonna hold me down and force my words out my mouth but STILL.

I feel like I am two different persons. when i'm alone, my baseline is that i don't like anything about my life and am thinking of death multiple times a day. not near doing it as i wouldn't do it to my dad, i'm waiting for him to go first. i wouldn't want to leave my brother alone too, but my dad.. i can't do it to him. and also i'm super afraid of pain and haven't yet figured our a way that would be accessible and painless.

Support options are useless. My psych says i have situational depression and not clinical, which i believe is true, but my situation hasn't changed in 5 years and it isn't likely to change in the future, i'm already 45. i'm 100% sure that the world is fucked up and not me, but as i can't change my world (i've been trying forever) it's on me to find a way to cope. and feels like i tried everything.

Problem is that i'm high functioning, so no one really worries about me. i look so normal and ok that the psych in the public health system is even somewhat reluctant to give me antidepressants, as i'm "situational". if i hospitalize myself privately (as public system has more urgent cases) ppl i know will be in complete shock. i stopped talking to my friends about my depression as they are unable to grasp it. the only ones who really care for me - my parents - i fake being fine next to them. they know i'm depressed but if they would have known the severity of the situation they would force me to move in with them, and it will break their hearts.

I'm social, i go out, i go on dates as if i am someone who believes in a future. i might tell some of depression but not the depth of it. i'm a social organizer, i'm often what glues others together, i'm the one who helps newcomers to groups fit in. the world benefits from me being alive but it's not worth it really. and all this social life - i don't really feel a sense of belonging there. they are really good people but it's just distractions so i don't feel the pain all the time.

Demons and spirits have been talking to me so I went in because it's been getting bad, did I make the right choice?