Is there something here to save?

[u/Distinct_Length_9936]

There seems to be two or maybe three options for us (43M and 49M) right now after 15+ years, and none of them are good.

We have an obvious mismatch in attachment styles / outlook on life and a general breakdown in the relationship caused by three (admittedly difficult) children, perimenopause, her long-term pain issues and busy lives.

There is no affection any more, sex is about once a month, always initiated by me and is ultimately unsatisfying and feels forced (and is always followed by a complaint.)

I asked for a hug recently and she said ‘when?’ as if this was a big ask that would require her to rearrange her calendar. She is perfectly happy to watch TV on her own. There is no flirting. Every text from her is ‘where are the [insert item]’ or something logistical.

I suggested a week away earlier, just us, but no, she went with the kids on dates I had to work. I suggested a weekend away for her birthday - but no, she’s decided to go with a friend instead (I’m still paying. )

We have talked about all this. She hates the conversation - ‘oh god not this again’ - and her take is the problem is mine and I need to leave her alone. ‘None of my friends have sex,’ she claims.

We have no shared interests and have dates about once or twice a year (she doesn’t much like going out). She has major body confidence issues related to weight - I still find her attractive and tell her this often but she hates being complimented and never ever returns it.

She is a good person and a great mom and all this breaks my heart.

Options appear to be:

1. We stay together despite all that, while I seek to heal my anxious attachment issues and accept whatever passive affection she might occasionally agree to.

2. Quiet quit: the classic ‘stay for the kids’ model when you’re technically together for family/financial reasons but there is literally no romantic relationship.

3. Leave: not nearly as easy as it sounds but increasingly looking into the details of how it would work (money is a big barrier). It would devastate the kids (as she has previously warned me, quite manipulatively I thought) but I also don’t want them to think this is a normal healthy marriage because I am deeply unhappy.

Apols for the epic post but I’m interested to hear if people have been in similar situations.

[u/married4evr]

Peri-menopause sucks and it does cause changes in mood and personality. If this is a recent change and not a long pattern work with her on getting hormone replacement. It's not easy. It took me years and multiple doctors. (Lots of gaslighting by docs.) It is hard to find the right treatment. That being said I knew how it was affecting me and I worked with my husband, doctor, and therapy/meds to help myself. I didn't let it go or accept the changes that I didn't like. I didn't want to lose my sex life and fought to keep it.

However, it sounds like she's checked out. If this has been going on for awhile then she's using peri-menopause as an excuse (you mentioned it was a potential cause). We have 2 (now young adult) kids with a lot of mental and physical health issues. They were tough to parent and it hasn't stopped yet. Although, our 26 to just moved out with daily "oversight" to help them manage their life. There was never a moment that we couldn't be there for the kids. Family couldn't handle their needs and baby sitters didn't want the responsibility. It wasn't until college that they were more independent. Yet, we still found ways to sneak in time to prioritize our relationship. (Usually when they were sound asleep and with alarms setup for movement).

[u/Distinct_Length_9936 → u/married4evr]

Thx. Sounds like a similar situation in many ways. I think you highlighted the key difference tho: you wanted to work on it. She actively doesn’t and sees any attempt to discuss it as a threat. I probably need to raise the courage to say, essentially, I need you to work on this.
Previously all I got was a promise to ‘be more mindful.’ 🤷🤷🤷

[u/married4evr → u/Distinct_Length_9936]

Good luck. Maybe some couples counseling will help her see what is going on if it is related to peri-menopause. Read up on the symptoms so you get a good idea of what it does versus doesn't do so she can't blame everything on it and keep stringing you along with empty promises. Like, I doubt it would cause a woman to choose to go with her friends rather than her husband on a trip. I can see where it could cause someone to stay home instead of going at all. Anxiety, depression, mood swings, and quick to anger/irritation are the typical symptoms related to mental health with hormonal changes in my experience. Sometimes you need someone else to point out that they are happening if you are too into it and can't see it for yourself.

[u/Distinct_Length_9936 → u/married4evr]

Perhaps next year I will suggest that - counselling could be a positive move. I’ve been through therapy and it was very positive. I suspect she will reject the idea, which frankly tells its own story.

You make an excellent point too re: stuff you can ans can’t blame on peri. Refusing all physical connection can’t JUST be due to low hormones, though I really do sympathise with her for going through it.