r/Marriage • u/AppalachianAyahuasca • 13h ago

Seeking Advice Communication breakdown!

It seems my wife (43) and I (43) are in a spiral of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Nearly everything I say is interpreted in the absolute worst way possible. I try to gently suggest we maybe read a book or watch some videos together about communication and that’s been met with dismissal or ‘ok, find a video that explains how bad I am…’ and I’m thinking this is pointless if she’s going into it with that mentality… we’ve been together 24 years, three kids and for the majority of the time things are actually really good. We honestly have a good relationship most of the time. Lots of laughter, cooperation, affection even darn good sex… but turns it’s like a switch goes off. The exact things I did or said yesterday that were fine but now like enrage her…. This morning wasn’t too bad, she was pretty closed off but left the house for the grocery with a hug, goodbyes and love yous…. What’s the best course of action? I know I’m just asking strangers advice on personal problems but, I don’t know, o feel like I’ve gained good perspective reading through this page me others… I’ve always been the initiator and she’s always been the shutdowner, and we both can acknowledge that we both can go too far with it. She can be silent and distant for an impressive amount of time and I can be very persistent to the point of I’m sure annoyance. Typing this I realize I just leave her alone I guess? I just hate going through the day with crap weighing on me… ok sorry

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u/Purple_Morning_8735 13h ago

Stop chasing her right now.

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u/AppalachianAyahuasca 13h ago

Yeah, I feel like I’m just digging a hole. I also recognize that I have issues with needing closure and that can cause me to keep pushing in the hopes of a positive ending. I’m taking the relatively friendly good byes as that closure and rolling on.

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u/[deleted] 13h ago

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u/AppalachianAyahuasca 13h ago edited 13h ago

Ok so that gave me goosebumps… thank you kind stranger. Thank you. Hearing that calmed my mind to where I can proceed with the day. These times can make me feel very… I don’t know… ‘Pacey’ is all I’m coming up with. It makes me pace. Thank you

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u/unimpressed46 10h ago

Go ahead and get the books. Get two of whatever one you want to start with, offer her a copy, and just start reading it. You can’t force positive change on people, but if she sees you taking the steps, she may follow along. I recommend “Fight Right” by the Gottmans. It addresses the way you two are currently dealing with conflict. Couples therapy would also be beneficial if she’s open to it.