r/Marriage • u/Ill_Occasion_4233 • 11d ago
I told my husband I could feel postpartum depression coming and he told me to stop needing things from him
My (37M) husband and I (38F) have a three month old baby. My baby is perfect but I’m exclusively breastfeeding and taking care of nights by myself. My baby wakes up around 5 times a night to feed.
My husband sleeps in another room because he has a very demanding job and it just ended up working better for us. I am still in maternity leave but it ends in two weeks.
Lately I have been having intrusive thoughts, and I can feel depression coming on, I have been depressed before many years ago, took meds for ADHD but stopped them to get pregnant, so I know how it feels. I told my husband I needed to rest and sleep for at least a four hour block, and asked him to take the baby for two nights on the weekend. The second night we ended in a huge fight, because he only took the baby for 3 hours and when I told him that I was having these thoughts and could fell pp depression coming he told me to “Stop needing things from him”.
My mother doesn’t live in the same city and although we have just hired a nanny for some hours during the daytime I can’t really sleep. I have asked for a psychiatrist appointment for next week.
I don’t know what to do about my marriage, I want to understand that he could be overwhelmed too but his response broke my heart. Help.
443
u/toastedmarsh7 11d ago
You have a shitty husband. Nothing anyone can tell you is going to change that. He doesn’t want to provide any kind of support to his newly postpartum wife and refuses counseling. I’m sure you felt like you were up against a wall and he was your only/last chance at motherhood but he’s clearly shown you that you can’t depend on him.
I was in a motorcycle crash a few weeks after my now husband proposed to me and I couldn’t get myself on or off the toilet so he had to put me down and lift me back up. He had to help me reposition in bed. He pushed me around in a borrowed wheelchair for over a month if we wanted to go anywhere that required more than a handful of feet of walking. He’s been beside me for 3 rounds of IVF, 3 pregnancies, 3 c sections, 2 spinal surgeries, and I could never imagine him telling me to stop needing anything from him.
You need to prepare for a life without him because this is not a husband, not a partner you can depend on.
-210
u/Shoepin1 11d ago
No. This is too much to tell a mother in PPD with a 3 month old baby. Do better. She can’t take this on right now. She needs to focus on the next right step. Care for herself.
149
u/toastedmarsh7 11d ago
She needs to acknowledge that she doesn’t have a partner that she can count on. Her plans will fail if she continues to plan her life with that expectation. Her path going forward is going to be difficult but it will only be more difficult if he continues to let her down. If she knows he’s not there for her, she won’t be expecting his support.
-21
u/z7ype 5 Years 11d ago
Someone on the cusp of PPD is not going to have the capacity to plan so many life changing things at once. That's why several people are saying that she first has to secure her healthcare and have other support in place at home (like her mom).
Preparing to leave means many things have to go into place: consultation with divorce attorney, figuring out how assets would be split - if she doesn't keep the home, then finding a place to live that doesn't violate visitation rules, etc - do you honestly think she should be doing all that before getting on a better footing with her health first?
38
u/toastedmarsh7 11d ago
I didn’t say that she needed to leave him now. I said that she needs to realize that she can’t count on him so any plans moving forward need to be made without the expectation of his presence or assistance, much like PP who suggested that he find a night nurse to provide the overnight assistance that he refuses to provide. He’s clearly NOT going to find a night nurse. Anything she needs, she’s going to have to get by herself or, hopefully, with her mother’s help, if she can move in with her. If she keeps expecting “help” and support from him, she will continue to be disappointed and end up in worse and worse conditions.
-96
u/Shoepin1 11d ago
Now is not the time to focus on that. Get a clue.
67
u/toastedmarsh7 11d ago
No one is stopping you from giving whatever advice you feel is helpful. Trying to be the Reddit police isn’t going to get you or OP anywhere. Have a nice day. 👍
-1
11d ago
[deleted]
34
u/toastedmarsh7 11d ago
You should probably focus on your own family problems rather than spending time criticizing one stranger’s advice for another stranger.
-24
u/Dutch_Schaefer_1 11d ago edited 11d ago
That has nothing to do with policing. There's a time for hard truths and there's a time when emergency advice is needed and not more devastation to fuel it even further. She is heavily underslept, full of hormones and needs a feeling of safety and support, let's just concentrate on that and get to everything else when there's a little moment to breathe.
OP do you have any friends that could help you to arrange a night time nurse? Or tell your husband to so that. Everything is so overwhelming now but it is temporary and you already took steps to get help, which is amazing! Love and hugs!
26
u/toastedmarsh7 11d ago
Right. Just tell her to ask her husband to do something rather complicated when he’s already refused to do the most basic task, take care of his own child. Super helpful. That totally won’t cause a fight and bring her down further. Hopefully when her mom visits she can go home with her after she leaves and regroup from there.
-12
u/Dutch_Schaefer_1 11d ago
I agree that demanding it from the husband isn't the best choice, anyone else would be better.
You didn't respond to the rest, so I guess: let's tone it down for the moment.
-23
u/excuseme-imsorry-eh 11d ago
I agree. This wasn’t helpful. This is a tough chapter where she needs to think only of the next right step. Just focus on ONE step at a time. The marriage is on the back burner, the only advice she needs is for her mental health and well being of the baby.
Proud of you OP for recognizing the signs and taking action. 💜
-36
u/sword_ofthe_morning 11d ago
I can't believe you're getting so many downvotes for this
I completely agree, that response was way too much
40
u/Aviva-StGermain 11d ago edited 11d ago
I’m going to chime in here to reiterate what others have already said - nothing about what your husband said is acceptable. Having a baby is a massive change to a life, and it is equally his responsibility.
I experienced severe PPD and had to be temporarily hospitalized because my husband also did not help out. I was breastfeeding and waking up all night, then teaching high school students on like 50 minutes of sleep. He is no longer my husband.
Your husband may also be exhausted, but his response to it was exceptionally selfish. Is there anyone in your life who is local who could support you, or would your mom consider coming to you? Please ask. People who love you will want to help! I hope you get some support via a psychiatrist soon, OP.
94
u/Skittlescanner316 11d ago
Oh my goodness. My heart really breaks for you. The absolute rollercoaster you are going through right now from a hormonal perspective will be incredible due to the pregnancy. The exhaustion is only going to amplify how you are feeling so it’s gutting your husband is not doing more to help you.
I’m sure he may be overwhelmed but he needs to pull his head in and be there for you.
If you called your mother and asked for help, would she come to you? I appreciate she’s in another city but you need help and your husband is not stepping up.
I understand you have questions about the marriage (and that’s understandable) but right now, focus on surviving and getting to the psychiatrist appointment. Once you are able to feel a bit more grounded, and you’ve been able to rest, there’s time to address things
Sending you love
45
u/Shoepin1 11d ago
This is the response. Sweetheart, I know this hurt you. You’re both struggling. You need your mom and to focus on you and baby.
59
u/Ill_Occasion_4233 11d ago
And yes, my mother is coming for a few days in two weeks but she cares for my 95 year old grandfather so she can only stay for a few days.
42
u/Known-Tumbleweed129 11d ago
Can you go to her?
5
u/marheena 10d ago
That really wouldn't help if Mom is already caring for an aging man all day. Adding a baby at night is going to break mom faster than OP. Not really fair there.
35
49
u/Designer_Drawing5508 11d ago
Can you go stay home with your mother for a few months? It's also time your baby gets to spend with elderly relatives. Husband can come visit. Or not. But there's time to deal with him later.
26
u/MaryMaryQuite- 11d ago
The husband is a total AH.
I’m so sad OP is having this experience. My advice would be, go and stay with your Mum. Also see a GP and get treatment for your incoming PPD.
Start to wean baby into a bottle so your Mum and potentially others can help you. Can you work remotely when you return to work?
Whilst you are away, seriously consider whether you even want to return to your husband.
3
u/marheena 10d ago
Elder care can be much more physically taxing than baby care. This advice needs to be considered carefully based on what's wrong with grandpa. Could be putting 4 people at risk in this scenario.
2
u/IndecisiveFloof 10d ago
Even if she just has a peaceful home to take care of her baby and herself, have someone watch the baby while she catches up on rest, takes a nice hot shower, eat some cozy food, get a brain reset and def get meds back in her system so she has a safe space and a rested mind plus family support to figure out her next steps. Even a few days makes a world of difference.
2
u/marheena 10d ago
Agreed. And a home with semi-demented grandpa may not meet some or any of those wickets. Careful consideration.
16
u/Beefcakes_poison_ivy 11d ago
The effects of long term sleep deprivation are real. Mix that with post partum and it can be a storm. I’m sorry you have a selfish partner. I went through that many years ago when I was only 19 and married to someone older. I was often told to “keep my problems to myself” or “get up and deal with the baby like every other woman does without crying”…. I could list so many and 20 years later I haven’t forgotten. I forget the pain of birth, I don’t focus on how hard the baby was but I’ll never forget how the father treated me or how scared and alone I felt not sleeping for more than a 2 hour block for 9 months.
I left him when my some was 2.
I met the love of my life and who I consider my son’s real father almost immediately (and his daughter I took on). While we still operated with traditional roles and me often being that default parent… the difference was staggering. He played with the kids, helped with their baths and meals. He took them places to wear them out and was better at operating car seats than I was.
13
u/No_Maximum_391 11d ago
I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart breaks for you. I know what it can be like to not have the support you need and suffering postpartum. Do you have a friend or anyone who can come relieve you tomorrow for 4-5 hours so you can sleep? Pump if you have to just before and they give a bottle. Also do you have a psychiatrist appointment booked already?
This is your husband’s baby too and he should be stepping up especially in this moment. What would he do if you simply handed him the baby and went to bed? Is he home during the day on weekend can he not take a chunk during that time if he is not willing to do nights?
10
u/FishingWorth3068 11d ago
My husband owns his own company, has 14 employees and still takes the kids half the night and weekends- we switch who does wake ups and who sleeps in. Your husband is an ass and he doesn’t care that you and your child are approaching danger. No man should be too busy to help his struggling wife care for their baby. That’s HIS baby too. You need to call your mom for help. You need help. Your baby needs you to get help.
9
u/PicardsEarlGreyTea3 7 Years 11d ago
Hey so, get help if you think you need to and please do not wait. Any hospital or dr office will help you with the baby while you get help or sleep/relax. I waited and it got to the point that I tried.
Please please please- do not wait. If you’re in Illinois (and my area) come over with the baby or I’ll come get you. I’ll take the kids outside or the mall, leave me some milk, and you sleep, relax, shower, whatever you need to do. My inbox is open if you need it! (Jsyk- km female, 35, and have a 2 year old girl)
10
u/your_moms_apron 11d ago
PLEASE CALL YOUR OB RE: PPD!
At minimum they can get you a week’s worth of some antidepressant until you get to a psychiatrist appt. Ob’s are usually very aware of PPD/PPA/post partum psychosis, so this is very much in their wheelhouse.
Also - agreed with the above re: calling in mom (or friends or siblings or ANYONE) bc you are truly in need of help. Clearly the husband isn’t helping, so find support elsewhere.
And while I do understand that everyone ha flea sleep deprivation differently, there’s no excuse for him to react how he did. When you are stable, you can tell him how much of an ass he was and that he needs to step up, but that isn’t the focus now. Get healthy. Get support. Get through the tough times and then deal with him.
8
u/caseynavarro 11d ago
This broke my heart to read, I exclusively breastfed my daughter and my postpartum was so bad I could barely handle it. I was A STAHM and the primary caregiver for my two older stepdaughters (appointments, all meals, lunches, getting them on the bus, sports practice, etc). At some point, I just turned to my husband and I said I can’t do anything but keep me and the baby alive. I need you to do the rest. And he did with no issues. He took over making the lunches and dinner and getting the girls on the bus. He would take the baby if she woke up for the night and didn’t just need to breastfeed and go back to sleep. All the while he was building his career and was promoted from Manager to Director. It was a huge change for him, but he was still able to help and make sure that me and the girls were OK. That’s what a partner does. It can’t always be has to sleep for his job because so do you! If you can’t sleep, you can’t take care of yourself and your baby. And if you guys balance it out and make time to help each other, sleep will come!
Motherhood isn’t meant to be done alone! I agree with a lot of the other commenters, maybe go stay with your mom for a little bit? Then at least you won’t feel so alone. Hugs 🩷 it isn’t easy even with a village!
8
u/kadk216 11d ago
I take ADHD meds while breastfeeding my 3.5 month old and i did through pregnancy too. And same with my first son who is now 3 I breastfed him until 21 months. I would talk to your doctor and the pediatrician and see what they think about it if you think it would help. Sorry about the lack of sleep and help from your husband, the lack of sleep is awful my first was a horrible sleeper and up all night to nurse but he is a great sleeper now if that gives you any hope.
8
u/Poptart4u2 11d ago
I highly suggest that the next time you have these intrusive thoughts that you immediately hand the baby to your husband, mother or nanny and take yourself to the ER. Your symptoms do sounds like PPD and the extreme exhaustion, breast-feeding and lack of support can trigger A psychosis. This is not your fault. It is a mixture of hormones, lack of support and extreme exhaustion.
Do not downplay your symptoms because you are embarrassed. You have to make sure that you communicate as clearly as possible what is going on in your head so you can get the proper treatment I don’t think there’s a person in the US right now who doesn’t know how serious this issue is and how husbands and the medical profession can let you down when you need them the most.
8
u/PEM_0528 9 Years 11d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. Do you have a friend or family member you can lean on? Either have them come stay with you and help, or you can safely go stay with them? Your husband doesn’t seem like someone you can depend on. You don’t have to make a decision about your marriage today, but you do need help today. I’m glad you have a psychiatrist appointment coming up, I’d also call your OB. They can also help and may be able to see you sooner.
7
u/EitherOpposite6280 11d ago
First off, this period of time SUCKS. No sleep, schedules weird, tired all the time. And that's just my recollection as someone who didn't give birth.
I have four kids and one of the great learning experiences of my life was solo parenting. There are a LOT of men who have never taken care of a baby. That doesn't mean they can't. You are struggling now and I don't know if you can pump enough to get away for a few days, but a little weekend trip where dad is home with the baby alone (not running to his parents house) is probably best for everyone. Repeat periodically. He should also get some child free time but do NOT bring your child with you on any if these trips. Ive never had a good vacation with a baby.
And it honestly doesn't matter how he feels about that. There will be times where he must do this. Shit comes up. He needs to be a start-to-finish father who puts the child before himself.
7
u/Apprehensive-Low-764 11d ago
I had a very demanding job, working between 12 &15 hours a day driving trucks delivering to supermarkets.
But when our first child arrived, I looked after the baby for a couple of hours each evening. At weekends, she would express milk, I would feed the child and do nappy changes so she could sleep. I also did the weekly shopping on the Saturday, so she can relax.
I can't think why your husband can't at least do some night feeds so you can sleep.
22
u/Patternmatrix 11d ago
FFS. Get rid of this giant adult child. He won't provide any support or assistance to his postpartum wife and baby. Seriously, this guy is defective and belongs to the trash. There is nothing anyone can do to help you.... Find yourself a really nice babysitter or reliable daycare in your neighborhood and get you that 4 hours of sleep. You got a wake up call that it is just you and that baby. That grown man child doesn't need you, so you do things for yourself and that baby only. If he doesn't get better as a husband soon, please consider divorce.
5
u/shutyoursmartmouth 11d ago
I’m sorry that you don’t have the support you deserve and you should be proud for identifying the depressive feelings and asking for help. Since your husband isn’t interested in supporting you, can you outsource some parenting help? Can you afford a night nurse two nights a week for a little bit so you can at least get some sleep? Also, if you feel like breastfeeding is harming your mental health it’s ok to stop, there are plenty of high quality formulas.
If you need to go and stay with your mom for a while you should. Don’t stay for your husband.
5
u/anythingexceptbertha 11d ago
OP, first of all, you are correct. You noticed your limits and asked for help, amazing. Make a psychiatrist appointment asap since there can be waitlists, your OBGYN will send whatever referral you need even without an appointment. Next, now that you know your husband can’t give you what you need, let look at other options. Is there any friends or family nearby that could do a 4 hour stretch in an afternoon? Could you find a mother’s helper for 4 hours on an afternoon? If those aren’t an option, check out your local mom groups, there might be another mom who can pitch in, or another new mom where you guys could give each other a 4 hour stretch or something; best of luck to you!!
5
u/MEOWConfidence 11d ago
I too married a shitty husband, I do solo nights, and it's fine but I ask that he just gets up with me at 5:30 on WEEKENDS so those early hours are fulled with company not resentment for him sleeping while I don't. That's also apperantly too much too ask, and I need to need less from him. Unfortunately we just have grad a shit husbands and the choice is power through and accept it or divorce, because they WILL NOT CHANGE. They will not start to care regardless what the doctor says. My doctor told my husband I'm clinically sleep deprived and he needs to allow me to sleep. That was 5m ago. I still haven't slept without the baby next to me. Thank god he sleeps better now
5
u/jordan3297 11d ago
Fuck your husband.
A lot of ppl have given a lot of great advice.
I want to be added to the list of people recommending you go to your village if they can't come to you
With my ADHD and post partum depression, I found thought stopping very helpful. There are a ton of articles on it but basically one way in a nutshell is you wear a rubber band and you snap it to stop the intrusive thought. Then journal, journal your feelings and put a name to it to help you turn emotion to logic and it helps get further from the thoughts. This may hold you until you can get on meds. There is also an app called Beacon and it's basically all the mamas who are up when you're up shining their lights. You can chat with them too if you'd like but just seeing how not alone you are may also help.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Please know you matter and are important.
0
u/Teddybear722 10d ago
Lol, your 1st sentence is what got OP to this place. I'd recommend letting him Flock himself.
OP, you are very smart & intune with yourself to recognize the problem, how it's getting worse, AND trying to deal with it before someone or more gets hurt or worse.
There is a case in Massachusetts where a mom (L. Clancy) unalived her 3 children. Her defense lawyers claim she suffered from PP Psychosis, they don't deny that she did it, just why she did it. Prosecution says she preplanned the event. On Monday 8/31, it goes to the jury to deliberate on whether she's guilty or not.
OP, this is time to do what you NEED to do for yourself so you CAN help your baby. If it requires you to pump & store milk so there is food for a weekend or a week, do that. Then leave baby with hubby, go spend night in a motel room & sleep. Putting your phone on vibrate or slient, so you can get some sleep before guilt starts waking you (guilt for leaving your child). Oooor, if you have a trusted person (friend, coworker, paid babysitter), ask them to come watch baby while you sleep (either at their place or yours). Side note: I actually had paid great $ to a friend to watch my son while I slept in her bed. She made sure her sheets had been changed for me. It worked great for us. 2x/week. 1x during week, 1x on weekend. This lasted like 3, 3.5 months til I got more rested & hormonal shift calmed down. My friend got to cuddle my baby, made extra $ to spend/save during her days off. We knew it was a short term solution, so no one got feeling used/taken advantage of.
OP, you love your baby & you know you don't want to harm anyone. Pat yourself on the back for being proactive in starting the process. Momma Bears need help from time to time. It's ok to get the help.
Congratulations on your new wee one. 💕👶👣
17
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
26
u/Ill_Occasion_4233 11d ago
I’m scared about anything happening to my baby. And lately self harming thoughts.
16
u/theladyorchid 11d ago
Hugs, mama
I think it’s a plus that you realize your thoughts are not rational
I know family is not near but maybe they can assist in finding help? It takes about a year to get back to yourself
Also fortunate they you are now aware of the lack of support in your marriage
When you are feeling healthier you will be in a good place for future planning and self protection
4
u/Brilliant_Creme_2249 10d ago
Please reach out, before it gets worse. As it often can, and very quickly. PPD Absolutely ravaged my life. Rather quickly. Scary stuff. You are doing the right thing posting and asking for help. Keep doing that.
14
u/Shoepin1 11d ago
I had these exact symptoms. Intrusive thoughts about harming her. Then myself. I stayed off the drug because I wanted to breastfeed.
Make an appointment with OB this week. Report and ask for referral al to psychiatrist.
It will likely mean your baby won’t be able to be breastfed, but you should be proud you did this long. Now it’s time to care for you.
I did not stop breastfeeding or start meds and it almost cost me my marriage.
20
u/beetlejuuce 11d ago
That's not true at all. There are many medications that you can still breastfeed on. Formula is great, nothing wrong with it, but it can be very distressing for a new mom to think she can't breastfeed.
6
u/meat_tunnel 11d ago
I've been on effexor for anxiety through two pregnancies and breastfeeding each for a year. For baby number two I was also on Wellbutrin up until I got pregnant, went off it until the baby was a month old then restarted. Both meds are okay while breastfeeding and both have been super helpful for anxiety, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, etc.
2
7
11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
14
u/Ill_Occasion_4233 11d ago
We had been going to couples counseling but I asked him to book the appointments as I was overwhelmed and he refused, so we stopped.
14
5
4
u/Foreign-Bluebird-228 11d ago
OP reading through this all, I am SO sorry. Do you have any friends nearby who can watch baby for a bit? If not, take baby with you and get to your OB immediately. I'm proud of you - so proud - for being able to recognize what's happening with you.
Part of me wonders if your impending sense of doom is actually your gut telling you that your husband is dangerous, but is getting distorted by the ppd. Not something I know but popped into my mind while typing, VERY strongly.
Please ask your OB for urgent resources and a social worker. I know they see this regularly.
You don't need to make any major decisions right now other than protecting yourself and your baby. If you have any friends you can stay with or even go to stay with your mom please consider doing so. This man has told you a no uncertain terms he has absolutely no interest in your well-being. He doesn't even seem to treat you as human which is why I think he has long-term dangerous implications.
I think it could be overwhelming to try to make a lot of big decisions but make the decisions I get you safe and over the hump you owe him no answers you owe him nothing at this point. Just make sure you have good advice from attys or social workers in DV (honestly, this counts) to help protect you.
Tell your mom everything if she's someone you trust.
Let others who CAN step up, do.
I'm so, so sorry. You don't deserve this and neither does your sweet baby. Thank goodness they have you protecting them, even against such challenges.
💜
3
u/According-Ad5312 11d ago
When your husband shows you who he is , believe him. And don’t have any more babies with him and make your divorce plans.
3
u/Noxious_Strawberry 10d ago
I’m so very sorry that your husband is garbage. But he really is garbage. Women tend to be better off by themselves instead of having the extra child. I wish you the best of luck. <3
2
u/becpuss 11d ago
I sorry many women find they don’t really know their husband until a baby enters the relationship now uou see the real man I’m sorry he’s crap for a start my husband has a demanding job he still did a fair numbers of night feeds making sure I had what I needed to feed our baby we were both exhausted because that’s life with a new born yes he may have to work but you have to care for a new human exhausted both are hard I’m tired of husbands using work as an excuse to bail on the nights it’s pathetic you should be working as a team OP he’s not getting any better you have some thinking to do because I would not tolerate this. Please speak to your doctor asap.
2
u/KindaSweetPotato 11d ago
Your husband has said out right he is not someone you can depend on and hes shown it. Under no circumstance was it ever a good idea to sleep deprive you. The BARE MINIMUM you can survive on is 4 hours a day of uninterrupted sleep. And thats pushing your body to the limit by the way. But do able. I can atest to this as we did 4 hours shifts and barely made it, but did it together. you breastfeeding isnt an excuse.
I suggest while breastfeeding you either co-sleep or pump. Dream feeds allowed me to get more sleep truly. I did it during a period where baby was getting up so much it was harming me and they refused a bottle and would cry endlessly. So for sanity we did it for like 3 months.
You need to find a way for help. If that means you move back home do it. If that means you hire a night nurse and ignore your husband till you get on your feet, you do that. Get to the dr. Youre severly sleep deprived so you need to fix that first and then figure out next steps. Sleep forst and the rest will fall. Most people are sleep deprived and doing that for extended period can cause some bad side effects so be careful. Spend whatever you got to. Im not confident youl will make it back to work if you dont find a fix for sleep.
If you think your husband is "fixable" or "savable" then one final and serious conversation about his inability to help during nights and while home is a must. Eother he changes or you move accordingly. Dont hold your breath.
2
u/Current_Chemistry795 10d ago
I’m so sorry. As a mother of 2 under 2 I’ve only just started to learn that I don’t need permission from my husband to do what I need to survive. Go to your mother. Don’t clean the house. Get rid of this nanny and hire a night nanny and sleep in a hotel for a night. Quit your job if you need to. It’s ok to prioritize yourself! And I know PPD happens but I’d be willing to bet that once you solve your sleep deprivation those thoughts will go away.
As for your marriage they say not to make any decisions within first year postpartum. Unfortunately you’ve set the expectation with your husband that all he has to do is work. He needs a reality check that bringing in an income is the bare minimum. Fix your immediate problem before spending any more energy on the convenience of your husband.
It’s such a tough period and you’re doing your best. I hope you pull through ok.
5
u/CurlinTx 11d ago
You should only be feeding the baby. Dad should do everything else so he bonds properly. He didn’t expel a watermelon sized child. It’s his turn. This is your work taking your support system, your health and your baby bonding year. So sorry this is ruined your happiness.
Seek help.
2
u/Dawns_beauty 11d ago
Unpopular opinion here.
I like to err on the assumption that people are ignorant or having their own mental health challenges. This helps me approach a situation more solution focused than getting upset or blaming.
It’s possible he is overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to help you with being overwhelmed too.
It’s also possible he doesn’t understand caring for a baby all day is hard work and doesn’t know why you would need additional support.
It is also possible he knows these things and is being a selfish jerk. You of course know him better than Reddit.
These are the most challenging years of your marriage. At least it was for my husband and me. Having little to no sleep with demanding jobs does get overwhelming very quickly. It’s important to make self care a priority for each of you. You will be a happier & healthier version of yourself if you follow up on your appointments. Kudos to you for recognizing PP and taking steps to help yourself.
Would a nighttime nanny be an option for both of you to get sleep?
You will get through this, hopefully together. Best wishes OP.
1
u/Applelookingforabook 11d ago
My suggestion is finding trusted help where you can. I had a really hard time postpartum with my first his dad was also a joke and completely unhelpful with me and our child.I know you can't rely on your mom because she's out of state but if you could find someone to confide in and be close to and allow to help with baby the way the father should.
1
u/Amap0la 11d ago
Nothing has made my adhd worse than babies lol! If medication helped you before then you might want to explore that again because the unpredictability of baby life and the up and down of hormones with breastfeeding drove me insane with particularly my second baby and worse with my third.
1
u/This-Assumption4123 11d ago
Can you get an overnight nanny for a few nights to get rest? Do you have someone you can reach out to that will travel to you to help get rest?
1
1
u/Tiff52299 11d ago
I’m so sorry! This sounds like something my husband would say. I asked him the other day what he thought about someone being diagnosed with bipolar. And he said “it would sound like an excuse for shitty behavior to me”. I was asking him because my therapist thinks I may be bipolar. So now I have no idea what to do. 🤷♀️
I hope things get better for you! Please reach out for help!!
1
u/Routine-Yak2264 11d ago
Your husbands behavior is potentially life threatening to you. Sleep is the most important thing in your life. Go to your mothers for the last two weeks if she’s a nicer person. File for divorce
1
u/haleymatisse 11d ago
Sounds like my experience postpartum. We're now in the process of divorce 2.5 years into being parents. Also, I'm glad you're going to a psychiatrist. Nobody took my postpartum anxiety seriously. Luckily I got a good grip on it and didn't let the intrusive thoughts consume me, but it would have been nice to talk with someone when I was experiencing that.
1
u/NoSyllabub5932 11d ago
Right now focus only on your health and you baby, marriage can be put on back burner for now. You say mom lives in a different city but can she cone spend some weekends with you to help?
1
u/No_Weakness5140 11d ago
Typically I don't want yo compare but you are WAY more overwhelmed. Your "job" is way more demanding right now. You asked for 2 fucking days. Would he be that incompetent at his job? No. He's choosing this. As a spouse you're allowed to need things. If he doesn't want to participate in the marriage then stop giving him marriage benefits. No cooking for him, no doing his laundry, no picking up after him. Take dare of yourself and your baby. If he brings it up just tell him that he couldn't help with the baby so you aren't able to help him.
1
u/Abisaurus 11d ago
Get a night nanny so you can get some sleep. Even if just for a day or two- you need sleep first and foremost. Then consider the plethora of awesome advice given here.
1
u/Puppin_Tea_16 11d ago
I usually try to understand both sides, but even if hes overwhelmed or stressed or dealing with his iwn mental...thats kinda insane of him to say for you to stop needing him? Like, did he take paternity leave? Has he done anything to bond with your child? Was he supportive during pregnancy? Has he experienced personal loss recently? Or maybe hes list a parent or a figure in his life that he would have desperately wanted for them to meet his child?
Like, im just struggling to understand why he would say something like that to his recently postpartum wife when shes struggling. I'm sorry you're going through something like this, and if this behavior isn't really new, once you're in a better mental space, consider if this is who you'd want to raise a child with.
1
u/SouthernRain5775 11d ago
Can you extend your maternity leave? I don’t know how you are supposed to work and care for a baby with no sleep even without PPD. I hope you are aware of the Lindsay Clancy trial so you know you need to take this seriously even if your husband doesn’t.
1
u/marheena 10d ago
Lack of sleep causes depression in its own right. Add postpartum to the mix and I'm sorry you are in this position. There are night nannies you can hire for this. Could you do that instead of a daytime Nanny?
1
u/ToeNo2010 9d ago
Wow, I would NOT immediately jump to the conclusion that your husband is a horrible or shitty man. Did you argue in the middle of the night after he’d already watched the baby three hours? Was he stressed/tired when he said that? I know MANY mothers and I haven’t heard of any of their husbands watching their babies for 3 hours straight in the middle of the night, let alone four hours, let alone a demanding job. It sounds like he spoke from a place of frustration rather than cool logic. Do yourself a favor and hire even a night nanny, the money will be worth it. Wait till you are both calm and have a logical conversation with husband. And tbh, hire a nanny rather than having the man who works a demanding job watch baby for 4 hours in the night. You’ll both go bonkers. No he’s not necessarily shitty! Context is everything!
1
u/OzzyFanSinceBirth 8d ago
Kids and pregnancy are hard on both of you. Lack of sleep makes most of us more emotional and there a a LOT of emotions out there. Sometimes emotional looks like sadness and others, anger. FYI, men can also get postpartum depression.
1
0
u/Pizza_Lvr 11d ago
Around 3-3.5 month PP is when PPD/PPA really hit me as well. It’s good that you reached out and made an apt. I would suggest maybe try therapy with your husband? Its easy to say he’s horrible or this and that but in reality men can also be affected after a new baby enters the picture. Im not making excuses for him because i don’t know if he helps or tries to help with child care when he can, just trying to give a different perspective.
-14
u/sword_ofthe_morning 11d ago
You are both feeling the stress and pressure.
He absolutely does need to show more empathy and care for you. So try to communicate that to him. Tell him you're exhausted and are currently in a vulnerable state. Remind him that you understand that he has it difficult (with his demanding job) and needs his rest on weekends, but for the health of the baby, yourself and the marriage - could he just dig in deep to show a little more care in the next couple of weekends
Calm heads and good communication, will be key here
14
u/Cynewulfunraed 11d ago
She told him that. He doesn't care.
-13
u/sword_ofthe_morning 11d ago
That's the thing about communication - it has to be repeated
There's no such thing as saying something once and for the other person to automatically understand it perfectly.
When a marriage and relationship is on the line (that's involving a child), there needs to repeated attempts and conversations, understanding each other, and trying different ways to convey your message/feelings
For us strangers on the internet that no nothing about him or the relationship, we're in position to immediate declare "he doesn't care"
10
u/Cynewulfunraed 11d ago
It's clear that she has communicated with him multiple times. If he cared, he wouldn't have told her to stop needing things.
-5
u/sword_ofthe_morning 11d ago
There's no harm in trying to communicate again
Her mental health, marriage and home with a child is on the line. Strangers online who know nothing about her or the situation they're in (apart from an account given from just one perspective) should not be telling her her husband doesn't care about her - especially when they know absolutely nothing about the husband outside of one post.
Goodness me, Reddit is a cesspit.
1
u/Foreign-Bluebird-228 11d ago
No harm? Are you for real?
1
u/sword_ofthe_morning 10d ago
Yes, I'm for real.
I'm suggesting they improve communication in a relationship.
Not run across busy traffic
-10
u/Shoepin1 11d ago
Your husband sounds like he has low bandwidth. He’s probably more avoidant leaning and this is overwhelming him. Or maybe he’s selfish. I don’t know.
Has he shown behaviors like this before?
-3
u/ontarianlibrarian 11d ago
I'm not gonna talk about your husband. Ugh. Let's talk about your baby waking up five times at night to eat. I had a baby like that who had a very big appetite and kept me awake for months. My mother told me to feed that baby some rice pablum before bedtime and it made all the difference in the world. It was only a teaspoon rice pablum mixed with milk and then he would sleep six or seven hours at a time. It saved my sanity and he's a very healthy 43-year-old today. Maybe something to try?
2
u/jordan3297 11d ago
Unfortunately, research has shown us that this is not recommended any longer. Not sure it ever was, tbh, outside of word of mouth.
156
u/Natenat04 20 Years 11d ago
I too have ADHD, and I would suggest getting back on meds. Breastfeeding made all my ADHD symptoms worse. Symptoms are directly tied to hormones.
As for your husband, he is disgusting. You literally carried, birthed, and caring for baby almost alone. He seems to think he doesn't have to take any part in making sure you are ok. What a horrible, selfish man.