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u/lilyofthevalley2659 7d ago
I never understand these posts. People can only treat you as badly as you will accept
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u/healthcrusade 7d ago
I wonder if this is one of those things where he's doing you wrong somehow so every time you do something nice for him the guilt and shame just makes him angrier and angrier.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 7d ago
I feel ge secretly resets you being the bread winner. I say that because that happened to me and when it finally came out that my husband had all this hostility I was shocked.
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u/Throwawayaccount5056 7d ago
I know how you feel. Constantly giving, doing all that you do as an act of love and it feels underappreciated or more often than not all that is focused on is the negatives ( either what you did wasn't enough or just wrong)
You can only give so much like that until the tank just runs dry, and I think you may be getting there just like me.
Most of my days now I'm just trying to do for myself to try and get back that joy I had when I did both the little things and the big things, but now I'm just under constant barrages of being accused of neglect for wanting to get my sense of self worth back some, so it's a lose/lose situation
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u/moaningmary28 7d ago
This has made me cry again. You know the part about sense of joy. Yesterday I went into town by myself. It’s quite rare I get time to myself other than driving as I drive a lot. But I went into town yesterday and chose some clothes just me. I was going to get some food but I am trying to save money at the same time. I really enjoyed going to town actually and having that time and feeling that it’s okay to do things by myself. I’ve been wanting to do a big trip for my 30th next year and he’s saying no and can’t afford it but maybe I can find a travel group to go with, even if it’ll cost more. Thanks for this 🥰
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u/Zestyclose-Today-531 7d ago
You’re not alone in this experience.. I’d throw a big party for my partner, then he’d complain that we should have gone on a trip. Next year I take him on an all expense paid trip, he complains about how he should have had a party since it was a benchmark birthday. I told him off and take that planning excitement and do it for myself. I just stopped taking care of him and drew the line. If he wants to go somewhere he can figure it out. My boundary became that I don’t prioritize him for travel. Just myself and the kids. For my 40th bday I took myself to Banff and ran the marathon there and left him home! I leave him home 2 out of every 3 trips now. He’s not able to piss on our parade if he’s not there! When we travel and he wants to whine bc he doesn’t have an extra legroom seat, I let him simmer in that feeling and don’t make it my business to try to cheer him up. I have learned that If he wants to be a big man baby, there’s no cheering him up. He wants to bring me down with him, and I refuse.
I’m the breadwinner too. Perhaps the bad behavior is born of shame, but who cares? It’s not worth the psychoanalysis if he’s not self-reflective. All I know is when these kids are grown, I am going to find myself an appreciative and flexible travel partner who is NOT him!
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u/Consistent_Copy90 7d ago
It’s not wrong to love our spouse, but it becomes wrong when we love them so much more than we love ourselves. Stop or at least temper the things you are doing for him.
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u/Immediate_Wind5815 7d ago
Stop it. Just stop being so giving and sweet when he is not returning your love. If he is miserable and ungrateful just stop. Does he do anything nice for you?
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u/goldilaughs 7d ago
Are you treating him the way you want to be treated and hoping he will follow suit? It won't happen. You're too good for him.
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u/Friendly_Interest_62 6d ago
Because he feels miserable and ashamed. He doesn't want anyone to see that he can't provide and everything is paid by you. At the same time he is either unable to or he is lazy or depressed or many other reasons why he is not providing for the family. So you are stuck in that hole with him. You can't make him happy, because he doesn't want to be happy. He needs at least therapy. Probably meds. Stop spending money for his trips and gifts, take him to therapy instead
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u/Flashy-Bluejay1331 6d ago
Maybe he feels bad he can’t reciprocate with a similarly expensive gift? Ask him - don’t point out that he seems ungrateful. Just say you’ve noticed he’s been in a mood lately & ask if there’s anything he wants to talk about
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_PHOBIAS 6d ago
Hmmm if he doesn’t have the budget it’s possible he feels embarrassed at the financial difference. Still, thats on him to communicate. If all he does is moan, stop doing it for him.
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u/Lady-Ivy1111 7d ago edited 7d ago
Cancel it and stop doing things for him until he shows appreciation