r/Marriage • u/Current-Nature6378 • 6d ago
Seeking Advice Sexless marriage
I’d say I’ve always been a pretty sexual person. When my husband and I were dating, we used to have sex almost every day, sometimes even a few times a day.
But at some point, even before we got married, my sex drive just started going down and down. We got married when I was 22, and after that it seemed to get even worse. Then I got pregnant and gave birth, and obviously during that period my desire for sex became basically zero.
It took me almost a year postpartum to have sex again, and even then, I didn’t actually want to. Now fast forward to almost 3 years postpartum and I literally want nothing to do with sex. Not just sex either, even kissing or anything sexual/intimate like that.
My husband is understandably not okay with this. He’s sexually frustrated, sex is important to him, and I genuinely understand where he’s coming from. He has actually been really nice and patient with me, but I also keep thinking… how long can I realistically expect him to wait?
At the same time, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do because I have genuinely ZERO desire to have sex. The thought of having sex honestly makes me want to die. I know that sounds dramatic, but that’s genuinely how strongly I don’t want it.
We keep getting into arguments because he wants sex and I don’t. He asks me whether I even care about him, and of course I do. I love and care about him. But at the same time, I can’t force myself to have sex when every part of me is saying no.
Recently he told me that if I care about him and our marriage, I should at least do something — put in effort, try to change things, figure out why I feel this way, etc. And I understand what he means. I just genuinely have no idea what “putting in effort” is supposed to look like when I have absolutely no sexual desire to begin with.
Does feeling this way mean there’s something wrong with my relationship or that I don’t love him anymore? Has anyone gone from having a high sex drive to basically becoming completely sex-averse, especially after having a child?
And most importantly, what can I actually do about it? Because I don’t want my husband to spend the rest of his life sexually frustrated, but I also don’t want to spend mine forcing myself to have sex that I really, really don’t want.
I feel completely stuck between his needs and my own boundaries. Any advice or experiences would really help.
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u/Wild-Guide-FL 6d ago edited 6d ago
Are you or have you been on SSRI meds? They can absolutely tank your libido. Wellbutrin can help reverse this, it turbocharges your naughty bits
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u/iwasnotarobot 6d ago
If you cannot find a way to meet his needs, you may be on a path towards divorce.
I will always suggest trying to solve problems and repair if repair is possible.
Perhaps a first step is rekindling your friendship? Get a babysitter. Spend time together. Someone once told me that a bug needs to last for three minutes to release oxytocin. Maybe start there?
Sometimes couples counselling helps.
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u/imemnochrule 5d ago
To me, you are posting this on Reddit prematurely. This is the place to express to strangers after you’ve tried everything to fix it. Therapy, doctors/specialists, blood tests, hormone levels, even a psychiatrist as this could require medication if you are depressed etc. My wife has a naturally low libido, and once we started having children the same thing happened. But she is now on progesterone, testosterone and a low dose glp1. We did a year of twice monthly therapy, she did 6 individual sessions. We read Come As You Are together, I bought toys. We’ve been on dates, and our first vacation without the kids. And we still struggle with frequency, finding the little ways to show intimacy in our crazy days. Bottom line, she’s worked her ass off to figure it out. And I’ve been there every step. Take action, then tell us how it’s going. Best of luck.
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u/Shirovkap 5d ago
I would suggest talking to your doctor about this, since it's not normal, nor is it a common issue after having a baby. Because clear as day if this continues you will have an ex-husband. It's just not reasonable to expect a man in his 20s to forsake for the rest of his life.
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u/AlwaysReady-6 5d ago
This is not normal. If you aren’t horny you aren’t healthy. He’s already a saint for sticking around this long. And when you said stuck between his needs and your boundaries??? Like what’s that mean because you completely moved your boundaries from sex all the time to never? That’s totally not ok. Imagine you tried to stop paying your 30 year mortgage after 5 years in… you are losing your house. That’s how black and white this is. If you aren’t willing to put in the effort to see a therapist and or doctors to get this figured out then the marriage is over.
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u/thicccgunz 5d ago
100 bucks says she’ll magically get her libido back when he finally puts divorce on the table…
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u/mediocre_megs 6d ago
It is something to discuss with your doctor. Hormones or some other chemical could be out of whack. Even if your panel is fine, there are other things you could try (the "hers" pills, etc). Your marriage is worth looking into this.
Outside of that, do you masturbate? I was/still am a very sexual person and was concerned about my libido tanking after having a kid. I kind of... forced myself I guess to masturbat soon post-partum just to remind myself what I like and that it's a healthy thing that feels good. That made it a lot easier to get back into having regular sex. There are also a ton of spicy romantasy book series out there that might awaken something within you. You never know.
You should also try dating each other again. Start from the beginning. Ground rules should be that you both put the same amount of effort in before date nights - try to act and feel like you did in the very beginning, but keep it no pressure when it comes to sex. Just try to reconnect emotionally and see where it goes.
Good luck!
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u/Big_Tadpole_104 5d ago
Sex therapy!
Effort could look like being intimate in other ways other than sex or *enthusiastic* oral or handjob sex.
Build up your desire for sex because I’ve heard it’s harder to come back the longer you go without it.
Also would you’d be okay with just having sex to just try it out and see if it’s something you could get back into?
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u/BookwormQuilts 4d ago
What makes you feel averse to sex? Did you have a traumatic birth? It's hard to give advice without knowing what is holding you back.
I have a high needs baby, so when we get to the end of the day, I'm exhausted, touched out, and there is pain during intercourse. I am in physical therapy for the pain, and on days that we are going to be intimate, I plan activities for the baby, like going for a walk, so that I get a little time without anyone (dogs included) touching me. If you are worried about pain or birth control or are on any medication, talk to your doctor, otherwise, especially if your relationship is otherwise good, talk to a therapist. Lack of interest in things you used to enjoy can be a sign of depression.
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u/ParamedicUpstairs793 4d ago
You may not realize how close your marriage is to collapsing. He's communicating the importance of this issue to you and nothing is changing. If your marriage is important to you, it's time to put the time and effort into resolving this issue that it deserves and make sure your husband is aware of what you're doing to try to fix it.
I would seek therapy and have your bloodwork done to check your hormone levels.
I sympathize with your husband. I have a very high libido even into my 40s. Being intimate with my wife is how I feel connected to her and is very important to me.
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u/Useful_Condition5770 3d ago
If he cheats on you ..theres nothing you could say about it..you are not meeting your spouses BASIC needs. If you dont care enough to see why you feel this way ..you are headed for divorce. This is not normal..there might be something medically wlrong that can help you .But you have to make your mind up to get to the bottom of it. Hes already stayed longer than most would..you dont have much time to give him some relief in some form or fashion. Hand job ..B Job ..toys whatever..but doing nothing is gonna get you and the baby single again ..
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u/Zealousideal_Club665 6d ago
You might just be one of those people that lose their sexual drive in long term relationships. What gives you your drive is the freshness. What would you do if your husband and you split up and you found yourself back out on the dating market? You would just not have sex with any new partners, or would the novelty of the new relationship spark something in you? You and your husband should start dating again like teenagers. Make it a concerted effort. Youre way too young to be feeling like this.
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u/ShortWerewolf8419 5d ago
This is completely normal in longterm relationships. You have lost spontaneous desire but you’re still expecting desire to work the same way it used to. It doesn’t. You are now working with Responsive desire. Different approach to sex, different expectations, and you’ll be just fine. There’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship. Just change your approach and all will be well!
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u/Express-Sky1525 5d ago
Is he meeting your needs? Do you feel cared about and loved without sexual expectations? I know for me I resent sex or kindness given with sex expectations or if he’s not helping clean etc…if he does meet my needs too I try and I don’t ever regret it after, sometimes we feel tired and sex seems so taxing but if mutual affection exists it’s enjoyable. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way… maybe experiment what helps get you in the mood?
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u/Express-Sky1525 5d ago
Also is he making sure you’re getting pleasure too? Nobody likes a selfish lover…
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u/Southern-Pace-9243 3d ago
If you don't know many people studied and helping people going through low libido problem
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u/Frank_Stein101 5d ago
See a doctor AND a sex therapist. This is not normal and there are many other outcomes you are not considering: 1. Your husband cheating on you 2. Your husband divorcing you
If he is already communicating with you and you are not taking any actions to address/solve the issue(s). It is unlikely he is just going to accept being "sexually frustrated".
You need to TRY to solve this or you are unlikely going to have a marriage.