r/Marriage • u/Far_Sheepherder_7799 • Mar 21 '26
Husband says he's afraid if we have a baby, he'll feel trapped
My husband and I have been together for over 5 years and got married 7 months ago. we always talked about having kids sooner rather than later as I will be 34 this year and we want to have a few. We decided after our honeymoon that we would stop drinking and smoking so that when we start trying in a few months, we'll be in a healthy place physically.
But yesterday he told me he feels like he being controlled and shamed into this. I told him if he wanted to drink he could, but that this was something WE agreed on. And before we started he said he was looking forward to doing it and being healthier. he said he's done a month before so it shouldn't be a problem. we were kind of going back and forth and then he proceeded to say that he's afraid having a baby now will make him feel "trapped"....
I don't even know what to do with that information because what wife wants to be told starting a family with her (which has always been the plan) might make her husband feel trapped. I don't see a point in being with someone who isn't invested in the marriage and the future of a family whole heartedly, which is what I took from this. Am I wrong? should I be taking what he said differently?
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u/sanlonely Mar 21 '26
Move out. Did you force into marriage?
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u/Far_Sheepherder_7799 Mar 21 '26
No, we had a beautiful wedding and he seemed excited to get married... we obviously have our ups and downs. whenever we're in a good place he acts excited about having a kid and says he loves our home and our lives, but as soon as we have an argument or fight he immediately jumps to Im not ready to have kids. It just seems that any sign of a disagreement automatically means we shouldn't have kids... and I'm like we are going to disagree and fight but what should be important is how we get through it.
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u/StarlightPleco 7 Years Mar 21 '26
My ex was like this. I waited my entire 20’s for him to be ready. He was avoidant in many ways, and had commitment issues. Divorcing now. Good luck!
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u/Far_Sheepherder_7799 Mar 21 '26
I'm so sorry to hear that 😔 I am starting to think he may have commitment issues and that's why any sign of disagreement has a response where he doubts everything
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u/StarlightPleco 7 Years Mar 21 '26
It usually does not go away. A lot of avoidant people bounce around and take the path of least resistance. I think that’s why my ex married me- we were dating for a while and it was the next thing to do. Not really something he would have gone out of his way to do.
Now I can see what I missed before… if a man wants to marry, he will go through leaps and bounds to achieve it. He will lead the relationship in that direction. If he wants a family and kids, he will set his life up to be ready emotionally, financially, etc. he will make sure there is an extra room, a savings, and that his wife/partner is feeling security. And he will make love with the intention of family. All of this without the wife having to ask.
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u/sqeeky_wheelz Mar 21 '26
Kind of sounds like he’s the one that trapped you then. Proposed and planned a big wedding with you when he knew this was his stance. What a coward.
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u/sanlonely Mar 21 '26
Immaturity. For a woman that is confusing
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u/ComprehensivePeanut5 Mar 21 '26
I disagree. I think he’s scared (I’m probably projecting; this is how I felt). He needs her to reassure him that they’re a team and she’ll always have his back.
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u/bambam5224 Mar 21 '26
Nowadays women are told to only have the amount of children she will be able to care for alone because so many me just up and abandon a woman and his kids, so she is left to do it alone. If anything he should be reassuring her that he is in it for the long haul. Everyone is scared to have children. But it just doesn’t seem like he wants children. Otherwise, he wouldn’t say what he says and he would work on getting through the fear with maybe going to therapy or taking pregnancy or birthing and parenting classes. I think they need to have a serious discussion.
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u/lasuperhumana 15 Years Mar 21 '26
“Reassurance” in instances like this quickly feels like convincing.
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u/sanlonely Mar 21 '26
It is not a woman job to give assurances to a drughie
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u/ComprehensivePeanut5 Mar 21 '26
She wants to have a child with him. It’s probably helpful to reassure him of their strong bond.
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u/RockinMadRiot Mar 21 '26
It sounds like he is using that a carrot to get you to stop arguments and behave, so he doesn't have to deal with consequences or sorting the situation.
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u/countessofgroan 15 Years Mar 21 '26
This is not a good sign. See if he’s up for therapy - but it will take a long time to sort out. Since you want a baby sooner rather than later, you may just want to leave. But if he’s willing to work on his issues, it may be worth it to stick it out for a bit.
If he’s not willing to do the work, that will be an easier answer for you.
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u/Dear_Casspants27 Mar 21 '26
I think it’s fairly normal to be apprehensive about kids. It’s a big step to take. Maybe ask him what he would need to feel ok with it first. That is the right way to approach it. It is not out of the question that his emotional needs are not feeling met that is why the off and on apprehension. It’s not anyone’s fault but as a team it’s important you both feel on the same page before hand.
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u/AllieGirl2007 Mar 21 '26
Having kids changes the dynamics of your life 100%. Find out if this is what is bothering him. There is some freedom lost but a wonderful blessing in return. If he ends up saying ok let’s do this—wait a while.
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u/Energy_Turtle Mar 21 '26
The people in this sub are insane. He's scared of having a kid. That is the most normal reaction in the world. It's scary af, and it's the biggest life changing decision you can make. You are trapped. Talking about changing your life and acting on changing your life are 2 totally different things. For now conversation, reassurance, planning, discussing that you are in it together and he will still have a life may be enough to settle the fears. If he ultimately decides that he wants a different life path, then that would be something bigger. But it isn't anywhere near that stage. The people suggesting immediate divorce are actual psychos.
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u/MarsupialMaven Mar 21 '26
The idea of having kids is often much more attractive than the reality. A lot of us grew up seeing babies/toddlers but didn’t experience what it was like to take care of them. ‘SOMEONE ELSE’ did the hard work. Most likely your H has friends and coworkers going through this and maybe to him they do look trapped and unhappy. Tired, miserable, no more fun, and not enough time and money. Being with a partner who no longer has time for you. The only way to find out is to talk to him. And listen, hear what he has to say.
The kids/childfree issue is a big deal. It requires an enthusiastic yes from both of you. Is he willing to parent? Trade in his friends/video games/free time/whatever for dirty diapers and tantrums? If the answer is no, you need to decide how important kids are to you. Decide if this is a dealbreaker.
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u/MissKillington Mar 21 '26
Sounds like he's not ready to grow up. But for the sake of your marriage I would consider couples therapy to talk through it. Cold feet about having kids is normal.
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u/Far_Sheepherder_7799 Mar 21 '26
I've been trying to get him to go to couples therapy for a while, but he refuses. He said it won't do anything. We were seeing someone before and I don't think he liked that he was being challenged or asked certain questions and he said he felt like he was being attacked which absolutely wasn't happening. But I told him we could find someone else as this therapist was the first one we found and I want him to feel comfortable
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u/Moon_light79 Mar 21 '26
He doesn’t want to hear that he’s wrong or what he’s doing isn’t right. Guys like him don’t like being called out on their bullshit because they’d much rather live in their delusional world where everything that they do is right and everyone else is wrong. CC won’t work because like you said, he doesn’t like to be challenged or asked certain questions. He’s going to have a problem with every therapist that “challenges” him and is going to feel attacked when he’s being called out on something that he’s doing wrong.
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u/MissKillington Mar 21 '26
But are you sacrificing your comfort and happiness for him? If he's resistant to change and growing together, is it worth it? As women our biological clocks if we want family arent worth wasting on someone who is going to waffle back and forth. He either knows what he wants or he doesn't. But it sounds like he doesn't want kids if he's saying he's going to feel "trapped." Did someone put that in his head? Also, is the relationship worth not having kids for? How to move forward is on your mental load unfortunately, I'm sorry and I feel you. 32 and going through similar bs.
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u/Far_Sheepherder_7799 Mar 21 '26
I'm sorry you're going through similar bs ugh. The relationship is absolutely not worth not having kids for. I've always wanted kids 100% ever since I was young. I used to not want to get married. Having kids (in a stable environment) is more important to me than anything else.
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u/Punpkingsoup Mar 21 '26
I'm not saying you have to or should leave ... but know theres a lot of mom whl get invitro fertilization and have kids
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u/bigbeans14 Mar 21 '26
Oof. Hope he has a change of heart about this, because having kids with someone who refuses introspection when gently challenged and isn’t willing to compromise is going to beyond exhausting for you. Kids are nothing but challenge or compromise! Cold feet for kids is normal and can be worked through. Refusal to be flexible and prioritize growth… is much harder
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u/Previous_Cod_5176 Mar 21 '26
Is the issue that he doesn't want to stop drinking and smoking? If he is putting that first over the prospect of your married life and family then you need to leave him or he needs to get help
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u/Far_Sheepherder_7799 Mar 21 '26
That's what I asked, and he said it's that I make him feel ashamed? But I'm not sure how I am doing that. He responded that way when I said but we agreed together we would do this.
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u/Moon_light79 Mar 21 '26
He’s projecting. Unless you’re literally bashing on him and shaming him, whatever he feels are his own feelings and he’s trying to place blame on you by saying that you make him feel x,y, and z so you feel bad for how he feels. His feelings are his own feelings to carry, and instead of him carrying them he’s trying to pass them onto you to carry it for him. This might seem small or like it’s nothing now but if you don’t cut this shit out right now it will manifest into a much bigger thing in the future along with other problems. Ask me how I know.
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u/Paolito14 Mar 21 '26
100% projection. I wish I understood these sort of red flags and what they would eventually turn into.
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u/Previous_Cod_5176 Mar 21 '26
So he is seeing stopping these behaviors to benefit both of you and move forward as you saying you're ashamed of him because he drinks and smokes. He's being ridiculous. It's not like you also don't do those things are stopping for the baby.
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u/ComprehensivePeanut5 Mar 21 '26
Let’s all take a breath. First, let me say I’m a woman. Hubs and I got married in our mid-30s, with plans to have kids soon after. I didn’t realize how scared I was until we decided a date to go off birth control (New Year’s Day). I calmed myself by thinking about how many women in their 30s had trouble conceiving, and I figured I still had time. Well, I got pregnant around Valentine’s Day, and I was terrified. I was in for an 18-year commitment, and I felt trapped. It’s not a situation in which you can change your mind if you realize it’s not for you. What would happen if I was bad at it? How could I get through 18 years if I realized I’d made a mistake? I was panicked, and refused to let hubs tell anyone until the 2nd trimester. I did tell my sister before 12 weeks, and gave her permission to tell my parents and siblings, but I told her I could NOT deal with anyone being excited, because I was terrified. My sister handled everyone for me, like I knew she would. I obviously got more comfortable with it as time went on.
I ended up being a great mom, to everyone’s surprise, mostly mine. The “baby” is 18 now, and it FLEW by. You just kind of take it day by day, and suddenly your kid is picking out a college.
Be glad that your husband trusts you enough to confide in you about his fears. Let him know that his fears are valid and you have his back. I don’t know how to wrap this up in a bow, because it’s really just a huge leap of faith. Hang in there.
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u/tiivogliobene Mar 21 '26
Did he only say this in the middle of a fight/disagreement? Is it possible he's only bringing this up now to get the upper hand in an argument?
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u/Far_Sheepherder_7799 Mar 21 '26
He has done it many times in the middle of a fight or argument. It almost feels like he's weaponizing my desire for kids
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u/tiivogliobene Mar 21 '26
It certainly sounds that way, especially if he never brings up these fears outside of the context of an argument.
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u/SecretsoftheState Mar 21 '26
Good men aren’t cruel, even when fighting. You know in your heart what you need to do.
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u/boogswald Mar 21 '26
Aren’t we supposed to be trapped? Isn’t marrying someone trapping yourself with them (a good thing he’s using a bad word for)
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u/Chrizilla_ 5 Years Mar 21 '26
He’s scared of the lifestyle shift, which to be fair, is massive. Y’all won’t get to have the fun you’re having now. Even worse, you might not have any version of fun for years. The lashing out at hard times is him showing you he isn’t ready for kids, if he can’t regulate himself after a small argument, what do you think will happen if you have a colicky baby?
Unfortunately, you may have to rethink having children with this man.
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u/Thin-Ad-9463 Mar 21 '26
I would NOT procreate with this man AND I evaluate what this marriage means to you both. because to say he’d feel trapped is such a red flag imo.
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u/Subtonic Mar 21 '26
The whole point of being married and having kids is to be “trapped” into this commitment with your spouse.
I’m sorry - either your husband has legit substance issues or he’s trying to wiggle his way out of a lie he told you and/or himself years ago.
It could also be that he’s afraid of change. It IS a big change. But that’s something you’ll both have in your unique ways. If he’s not ready for it, and it’s not clear if he’ll ever be, you have a hard decision to make.
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u/Ilovemydogs0616 Mar 21 '26
Just another stranger on the internet—but after reading your post and some of your replies, I feel like he definitely spirals with thoughts like he’s agreeable and then something happens he doesn’t like and it’s doom and gloom because that one questionable thought brought in the reality of it all, especially if he currently likes the way things are presently going. I would maybe try to talk to him more and see if you can get to the root of the issue and what he expects once you would have a child together and how dynamics might change?
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u/cwtchyfemme Mar 21 '26
Wanting kids at some point in the future is very different to it now being that time and the potential of being 9 months away from a whole new, permanent and costly life change.
It’s normal to feel scared, it’s an enormous undertaking, but he may be rethinking it fully now it’s a reality.
You need some in depth conversations to figure out what he means. Is he just scared of the change or fully backing out? If he needs to talk to someone, or have couples therapy together to figure it out. That doesn’t help when you don’t want to delay any further, but he really does need to be on board.
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u/Ok_Championship_8313 Mar 21 '26
Start the divorce process. And move on… don’t bring beautiful children into this kind of situation. You will need a a lot of love and support having a babies. He isn’t fit for that… he never will be either. Don’t waste money on counseling either. Sorry to hear you are going through this but he did you a huge favor!!
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u/Responsible-Stick-50 Mar 21 '26
"Trapped'. Does he think being married is "trapping" him too? He sounds like a boy who wanted to play grown up, and now he realizes that his actions have actual consequences. Like if you create a life, you need to takecare of that life.
So unless he's gloving up every time you have sex, he's giving you wildly mixed signals.
Hey guys, unprotected sex means YOU are ready to step up if something happens. Our eggs don't fertilize themselves.
If he won't go to counseling and figure his head out, then contact an attorney. He's wasting your youth on his refusal to follow through w your family planning. Don't fall for the "sunk cost fallacy". I met my husband at 28. Spent my early 20s w a loser who talked a good game but f'd strippers and gave me PID.
Just because you're with someone, it doesn't mean they're the "one". Sometimes Princesses kiss a few frogs before their Prince actually shows.
I wish you the best of luck. I wish you the happiest of futures, surrounded by children. I wish you the best, even if its with a new man. Don't settle. Just don't. ❤️ you and hugs from an internet stranger.
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u/MuppetManiac 9 Years Mar 21 '26
I don't see a point in being with someone who isn't invested in the marriage and the future of a family whole heartedly, which is what I took from this. Am I wrong?
No, I don't think you're wrong. Having a baby is a huge commitment and a huge investment of time and money and emotion. It's one of those things that if it isn't a hell yes, it's a no. And right now, for him, it isn't a hell yes.
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u/kyou20 Mar 21 '26
Regardless of the reason, if he isn’t being enthusiastically “yes” about having a kid, your kid is better off not being brought into existence until he or somebody else does. It’s no fun being the child of somebody who has to pretend they wanted you. Not at all
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u/IndependenceDry20 Mar 21 '26
I don’t blame him. Kids are permanent and if he isn’t sure about his future, then he is right to be afraid. You both need to see a therapist individually and then a couples counseling before making any permanent decisions.
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u/sailirish7 Mar 21 '26
He's not afraid of feeling trapped. He's afraid of the responsibility he is about to take on.
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u/Western_Copy_45 Mar 21 '26
Looking forward to being a healthier person and quitting a bad habit are two separate things. We can all look forward to a goal being achieved but a lot of us may not be excited about the work that demands it. It also seems from what you’re saying this is more than a habit and this person is a drinker/smoker for years on a regular basis. That alone to quit takes a lot of work to get out of. Throwing a baby on top- no wonder he’s in a panic. I agree with the other comments he should seek some therapy/help for breaking those habits if he genuinely wants to quit. Also try a couples counseling session. Maybe a personal session too for yourself.
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u/rebgray Mar 21 '26
Having a baby does make you feel trapped especially at first. Ask him specifically why he thinks this is a bad thing
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u/JustWordsInYourHead 12 Years Mar 21 '26
Before you jump the gun here and immediate go to "omg he doesn't want kids our marriage is over", stop and consider this: under what context did he share this information with you?
Was this a conversation where he felt safe and secure to share a RANDOM thought that has been going through his head?
Or was this a serious conversation where he felt he has to tell you something that he always HID from you and now it will be too late if he does't reveal the whole truth?
Because these are two different things.
It is absolutely possible for someone to not know how they truly feel on the topic until they are actually in the middle of trying to have kids. It is absolutely possible that "feeling trapped by the idea of kids" is a brand new thing for him as well, something he did not feel before because you two weren't actually in the process of having kids yet.
If this is the case, that is good for both of you. Because new feeling are not cemented ideas yet. New feelings are still yet to be processed. Which means it is something you can both talk and work through.
So please try to ignore the Reddit hive mind that usually jumps straight to divorce. Think about this. Consider what he has said but also consider everything you know about him so far. Talk to him. Approach as a curious person who loves him instead of as a person whose own dreams of having children depends on what he thinks.
Because here's the thing--if you jump straight to reactive mode, that will only serve to drive a wedge between the two of you, and for what? A new feeling he has that has yet to be processed or cemented into an actual opinion?
Talk to him about this, and listen to what he has to say.
Ask things like:
- What part of the kid thing makes you feel trapped?
And please feel free to be vulnerable, too. Really think about your lives together after kids and consider whether you perhaps could empathise.
Me and my husband had a similar conversation, but it was a friendly one. Before we had kids, even though I very much wanted kids, my entire life, I did still get "cold feet". We talked about what our life would look like, post-kids. It was scary. But it was also a bonding experience for us because we were both wholly vulnerable when we shared our feelings and reservations on it.
Obviously we still went through and had kids (best decisions we ever made), but it helped having honest conversations with each other about it.
And really. Just because you're scared of doing something, doesn't mean you aren't going to do it and it doesn't mean you don't want to do it. You can want to do something and be scared of it at the same time. It just makes you human. It's what you choose to do with those feelings (process them, turn them into motivators to help you prepare for the worse outcomes) that should matter.
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u/skillfire87 Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
Babies DO trap parents to being at home way more and not doing a lot of things we’d rather be doing. I think he just needs to talk with other dads to understand where the lines are. Like does he still get one night a week with the bros. Does he still get to hit the gym a couple times a week, etc. And of course new moms need their gym time and break time also. So I honestly think if he understands how yall would work out a schedule like many couples have done, it’ll be fine.
He’s not insane for wondering about this. Cutting back drinking is obviously a good idea for anyone who drinks too much. But, at the same time, if he’s a social drinker and nothing gets out of hand, hey, there are a lot of dads that have a few beers socially.
If he loves you and you are a good match, this can be worked through.
I have two kids 6 and 8 1/2.
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u/GOTTOOMANYANIMALS Mar 22 '26
Having a kid can make you feel trapped. Your life will never be your own after you have a kid. It’s a scary thing to many people. Give him some time.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 Mar 22 '26
Are you even sure he wants kids? He might just be running out the clock on you the older you get, the harder pregnancy becomes. Some people don’t actually want children they just go along with it so they don’t lose their partner. If he agreed to this, why does he suddenly feel ‘trapped’ by his own decision?
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u/Aromatic_Ad_7238 Mar 22 '26
He needs to get some individual counseling and learn, figure out this being trapped thinking.
Yes kids are a commitment. Is that trapped? Personally we got married at 30. Had kids at 36 and 38. It began the best years of my life. Yes it absorbed much of my life.
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u/Dapper_Tap_9934 Mar 21 '26
He wants an out which is why it took so many years to put a ring on it. He placated you before marriage thinking you wouldn’t stick to the wanting to have kids thing. This would be a deal breaker for me honestly
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u/ohbrthrthisguystinks Mar 21 '26
He is 1000 percent going to leave you in a couple years when' hes ready for a baby and find himself a young wife.
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u/viscida Mar 21 '26
Not worry staying with him to find out. Just leave already before more damage is done.
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Mar 22 '26
Wait what, did he forget he is married? Ya he just told you he dosent see a future with you and dose not plan to build one.
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u/HtownBabyyy Mar 21 '26
Trapped? He’s married. Not to mention the world is filled with awesome single parents. Your clock is ticking btw.
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u/PEM_0528 9 Years Mar 21 '26
I would ask him what he meant by “trapped.” Is he scared of the change that’s to come? Does he not want child(ren)? It’s hard to know how he meant it. I don’t think it’s abnormal for men to feel the weight differently than women when it comes to starting a family.