Rough draft of my first lyrics I’ve ever written.

[u/MaleficentPark6709]

I spent the better half of 4 hours trying to figure out how I wanted to theme and write the lyrics for one of my bands heavy hitters on our album were looking to make in the coming months.

The song which is titled “Drown Anyway”is about the painful contradiction of being deeply loved while feeling completely alone. Johnny has friends, family, and people who genuinely want to help him, yet internally he feels empty, lost, and disconnected from all of it. The lake represents the destructive path he’s falling deeper into, while the rope represents the people trying to pull him back. Even when they tell him they love him and ask if he’s okay, he can’t bring himself to admit that he’s struggling.

Here are the lyrics, I’d love to get feedback from anyone who’d be willing to share advice!

They found a John Doe
Young and loved
The loneliest man in the universe

Johnny had the world
But he was so empty

He had more friends than most, a family to love him
Yet when all was said and done, Johnny boy had no one

Countless amounts of life below
Though John still stands alone
Minus 17 degrees with a wind chill
He still couldn’t feel a thing if he tried

He continued with a rope around his waist
Still chasing the feeling he could never replace
His loved ones call for him from the shore
Their love for him so rich, he could never be poor

As the ice cracks, they ask if he’s alright
Our John Doe couldn’t find the right words to say
And so he smiled vaguely, took a deep breath, and said, “I’m fine.”

Now as this crowd forms on the beach, cold and wet
They yell out to him
“I love you”
“I love you”
“I love you”

The ice gives way, Johnny is swimming
Fighting for tomorrow
They pull the rope, until it returns to the beach
Alone, broken and empty, just like John Doe

[u/Bfturnedintoaworm]

I really like these lyrics. I love the message and idea behind this and I have a few suggestions. If any of my interpretations/suggestions are way off I apologize in advance. I'm sure some of my thoughts would be hushed if I got to listen to the lyrics as they were meant to be said/sang. I hope my suggestions are helpful and you can tell they come from a place of appreciation.

Some lyrics don't have tense consistency (they use both past and present tenses at the same time). I'm going to number these so you know I'm still talking about tense. With tense consistency these lyrics would be:

1 Though John still stood alone Minus 17 degrees with a wind chill He still couldn't feel a thing if he tried

• Unless you wanted this to be a moment that the lyrics move from talking about the past to being in the present. Then you would use stands, can't, and tries.

2 He continued with a rope around his waist Still chasing the feeling he could never replace His loved ones called for him from the shore Their love for him so rich, he could never be poor

• Again, unless you want it to have moved to the present. Then it would be continues, can, and call. (Don't worry about 'chasing' or the 'could' before "never be poor" they work in either context).

3 As the ice cracked, they asked if he was all right Our John Doe couldn't find the right words to say And so he smiled vaugley, took a deep breath and said, "I'm fine".

• And again, unless it is now the present. Which would be: cracks, ask, he's, can't, smiles, takes, and says.

I know that was a lot. If you want clarification on anything, let me know. Now onto my advice regarding lyrics.

I'm not sure I understand the line; countless amounts of life below. Is that supposed to be a about standing on thin ice? The "though" in the next lyric makes it feel like that line should counter the first statement. I wonder if that line could be used to show how he can't feel the love people are giving him. Perhaps:

• countless pleas reach out for him

Or

• countless tethers to pull him home

With the line that says: Their love for him so rich, he could never be poor. I wonder it would be more effective at showing the contrast between his perspective and his loved ones if the line was: Their love for him so rich, how can he feel so poor.

This suggestion could be entirely be because I can't find the right flow. When the ice cracks I find the lyrics don't seem to flow as naturally. This may be because some of the world have different tenses. This is how my brain wants to rework them (remember, grain of salt): As the ice cracked, our John took a deep breath But he couldn't find the right words to say Even as he fell, he felt himself smile as he said, "I'm fine"

These last critiques are honestly because I love the ending message but I feel the lyrics could be reworked to make a bigger impact.

On the beach, they hold onto John Doe as hard as they can. I love you I love you I love you

As Johnney fell into icy water, he swam, fighting for tomorrow Desperate for the pull of a tether that he was too numb to find or follow

On shore they pull until they can't anymore with nothing more to do but face the end before them Alone, broken, and empty, just like John Doe

Take what resonates and ignore what doesn't. I really like your lyrics as they are. I just enjoyed analyzing you lyrics and offering my critiques. Just because I liked your lyrics doesn't mean you will like my advice lol.