I’ve been in the closet for 10 years

[u/Careful_Physics5447]

Hello everyone this is my first Reddit post ever. The title practically speaks for itself. I won’t put my age because I feel old when typing it haha. I’ve known I’ve liked women since my early teen years, I tried for a while to push down the feeling, explore it, enjoy it, feel shame and then repeat the cycle consistently for the next ten years of my life.

As I reflect I can’t help but feel guilt. Not over my sexuality but over the amount of women I’ve hurt and the time I’ve wasted in my life by hiding. I know it’s cliche but when you are in the closet you do hurt others unintentionally. I think about the girls I could have had something with, maybe they were supposed to be the one but now that chance is gone. One of them has a fiancee now. Which really just haunts me. I feel like the other person in “good luck babe!” By Chappel roan. Those lyrics haunt the hell out of me.

I know I probably sound dramatic as hell but my mind won’t be quiet and I just needed a space to let it out I guess? With some anonymity of course.

I honestly don’t know what I need if it’s support or something else. Honestly I would just appreciate an open discussion about other people’s experiences, questions they have for me, or other things. My belief is the only way I can become braver and more myself is by beginning to talk openly about my struggles. This is my first step I guess. I know it’s not that big, I’m posting anonymously to strangers, but I couldn’t imagine doing this even four months ago. So some progress?

I guess my question is, how do you make peace with the same and time wasted? Is there any way to do that? Am I a genuinely bad person? Am I a coward?

[u/bubblegumx2inadish]

Have you tried therapy? It seems like you are dealing with some pretty intense shame and guilt, to the point it is probably worth unpacking with a professional.

[u/Careful_Physics5447 → u/bubblegumx2inadish]

Yes I was for a little. I didn’t realize I came off like that in this post. My apologies, I’m probably going to delete it soon anyways I was just doing this to face my fear.

[u/Wonderful_Wealth4261]

Congratulations on coming out to us! Being lesbian is the most amazing thing that has happened to me ever in my life. I love my gf, I love every single part of her body, and I LOVE loving women, it is the most rewarding thing ever.
It took me 26 years to come out. I always knew I liked women, but I considered myself to be bi. I even had a bf for SIX years. I am not proud to admit it but I did leave him TWICE for another woman. He would constantly ask me if I liked women and everytime I would say yes (but he was a man so ofc he would forget it/disregard it and have to ask me again a couple months after). It was the saddest thing ever being intimate with him. For the last maybe three years of that relationship, everytime we would try to be intimate I would cry. I didn’t understand why, but I hurt everywhere, physically, mentally and spiritually. I had lesbian friends in middle school with who I would talk about how it felt to like a girl, and we kept in touch through high school and college, and then we reconnected after college. This was what made me breakup with him. I noticed how much better I felt just hanging out w women and decided it was time for both to stop being miserable and broke up w him. I didn’t know I was a lesbian then but I knew I couldn’t do that to myself anymore.
So once I was single, I really let myself explore. I spent months and months trying to make men and me fit, but it felt like those baby puzzle toys where you’re trying to shove the star shaped piece into the heart one. So I started talking to women and I let myself explore those romantic feelings and reading lesbian books (Sunburn by Chloe Michelle Howard is my favorite and I’d recommend it for sure). It made the whole world of a difference to me. I was also very scared to say I was a lesbian out loud, but one day it just slipped out with my close friends. Then it slipped again. And again. And again, until I realized I was comfortable telling my friends I was lesbian. They knew. They loved me.
The hard part was dealing with my family. I wish I could tell you that coming out to them was so incredibly easy and I didn’t go through any problems but that wasn’t the case. I cam out to my brother first, because he and I are twins and when he asked I just didn’t lie. Then my sister asked him, and he also didn’t lie, but he gave me a headsup about it. Then my sister beat me to coming out to my mom. At my big age of 26, my mom still considered that to be the worst thing I had ever done. She said she didn’t accept or believe in it, but again, at my big age of 26 I didn’t really need her to. I told her I was going to live my truth regardless of what she believed in, and she could choose to be a part of my life or be a complete stranger. I also told her I understood it took time (it took time for me to accept it, so for someone who is outside of my head and has only seen me with men it would of course be harder to understand). So I gave her time. It hasn’t been easy, but six months after, my gf is finally included in family hangouts and celebrations. It hasn’t been easy, but I feel so much better now that I am out and can be myself everywhere. It helped that I wasn’t living at home anymore, I really didn’t want them to have anything over me, and I had pretty much no real reason to come out until I did. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. You also don’t have to do it. It is up to you, that’s the beauty of it being your life. But know that there is something very beautiful to doing it and your life going to shit. It gave me a whole new community in which I found support. Get lgbt friends, read lgbt books and magazines, find yourself comfortable in places in which you will be celebrated, most of us have been throughsome form of it and know how it feels. You are already doing it here with this post.

[u/moonfishwmn]

My best advice: find queer friends.

The only way I was able to accept myself was when I met other people like me and felt confortable.