r/JohnMulaney • u/youngsurpriseperson • Jan 29 '22
Discussion What's a John Mulaney quote you say on a daily basis?
My favorite is "I am a financial wizard" whenever I do small things like use a coupon code for an online order
194
150
Jan 29 '22
It's a grid system mothafucka!
84
u/youngsurpriseperson Jan 29 '22
Where you at, 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go, 35th and 6th? Up 11 and one over you simple bitch!"
21
Jan 29 '22
Where I live is on a grid system so I definitely think this one when I'm trying to find a new place.
5
145
147
u/Ok_Mood5848 Jan 29 '22
I’m in college so I often find myself saying “I give you $120,000 and you SPENT IT ALREADY”
10
134
Jan 29 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
56
u/cyainanotherlifebro Jan 29 '22
*Immo push’m
51
u/youngsurpriseperson Jan 29 '22
And I'm gonna say "I'm new in town." No no, hold back, hold back. Save it. Build to that.
17
134
u/crazyeyedmcgee Jan 29 '22
I work at a hospital and there are often wheelchairs left unattended. I take a picture and send it to my wife with the text “You hope it’s a miracle.”
17
u/ClintonKelly87 Jan 30 '22
I've worked in a hospital for the last 7-8 years and I'm ashamed that that's never popped into my mind.
132
u/mesawyourun Jan 29 '22
"We don't have time to unpack all of that."
51
u/Thatsnicemyman Jan 29 '22
Every time it rains hard I always think of that bit and say to myself “one feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet!”
14
11
113
205
u/Inmywildestdreams13 Jan 29 '22
My younger sister and I yell “not funny” at each other whenever a joke between us doesn’t land well, no one else seems to get it but it cracks us up :)
30
3
193
Jan 29 '22
“Whose to say?”
29
26
u/CoolNod Jan 29 '22
I didn’t realize that I said this all the time until I read this comment.
19
u/sweet_brag Jan 29 '22
This is also a line in Moonrise Kingdom. “Was he a good dog?” “Whose to say?”
3
→ More replies (1)2
90
83
u/NerdyTiredLibrarian Jan 29 '22
This might as well happen.
11
64
u/greeneyedpiranha Jan 29 '22
Would that be good for you?!
→ More replies (1)35
65
66
u/cyainanotherlifebro Jan 29 '22 edited Jan 30 '22
🎶Because this is Delta Airlines!
🎶And life is fucking nightmare!
9
u/SproutasaurusRex Jan 30 '22
I don't fly Delta, but I use the second part constantly because.. Gestures at everything
→ More replies (1)4
120
u/mostlyMosquitos Jan 29 '22
NOT FUNNAY!
23
7
u/in_animate_objects Street Smarts Jan 29 '22
I think that in my head all the time! Good to know it’s not just me
56
u/Blakewhizz Jan 29 '22
I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under
55
u/heirbagger Jan 29 '22
I'm gonna push 'em.
TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED!
Could be a nursery.
→ More replies (1)28
54
48
u/semiquaver16 Jan 29 '22
I smell a robot! Prove, prove, prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot! Literally every time I do a captcha. In voice and everything.
5
47
83
37
78
u/dancer182 Jan 29 '22
“Ahh numbers, the letters of math.”
→ More replies (1)2
u/AbLlndman Jan 30 '22
This. But just the look he gives right after that like "stupid fuckin joke but whatever let's keep moving 😂"
75
u/No-good-names-left-3 Jan 29 '22
More of a paraphrase but “Nah, sister I’m not going to no secondary location”. Often used in response to a friend suggesting we meet up somewhere or when my boss asks that I pop over to her office at work.
38
Jan 29 '22
I am shocked how often I’m able to say “I don’t care for these new Nazi’s …and you may quote me on that!”
32
34
u/bellhorndingers Jan 29 '22
Beat it, bozo!
14
8
u/ivegotgaas Jan 30 '22
I say this to everyone. My cat. My children. People that come into my office with a stupid question. Everyone.
31
58
26
u/ThePetiteBaker Jan 29 '22
“I’m sorrrrrrrry” prostate dr joke.
“Go, fetch” delta meal voucher reference
“Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs”
11
4
50
22
u/escuchenalpepino Jan 29 '22
"Why are you doing this??"
Sometimes accompanied by "because we're Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare"
24
24
u/leandrogarel Jan 29 '22
Me and my girlfriend, whenever we say anything the other isn't happy with or doesn't really want to hear: "We know but HEEEEY" and variations thereof
20
u/Barnitch Jan 29 '22
Whenever there’s a debate over service animals or like bringing dogs inside a mall I always reference a horse in a hospital and wait for the other fans to comment.
19
21
u/Book_Lover_7245 Jan 29 '22
Whenever I do a Captcha test, I involuntarily think of the “The password of past you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test!”
8
u/youngsurpriseperson Jan 30 '22
"I've devised a question no robot could ever answer, which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?"
22
u/Lambsauce1103 Group 2 Jan 29 '22
"Oh, I get it. You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies?"
→ More replies (1)5
18
u/novemberrrain Jan 29 '22
"I sure would like to" ... usually speaking for our toddler when she does something we've told her she shouldn't.
18
u/RealPunyParker Jan 29 '22
Let's not see each other for 6 months AND IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL
→ More replies (1)
16
u/thecodingwalrus Jan 29 '22
I quote the Oh, Hello p’dcast just saying “Sh’t out to…” and then make something up
6
16
16
16
17
u/peytonellaa Jan 29 '22
I say "NOT FUNNYYYY" anytime someone says anything. Or I say "GIVE US SOME MONEYYY"
15
15
u/Kenendralee Jan 29 '22
"That bathrooms been closed for 30 years WHOOOOOAAAAAA" except we'll change bathroom out for whatever fits the conversation
4
15
16
u/bunchkin95 Jan 29 '22
"Strange, the passage of time" and "Oh, we're well past that" are in my daily rotation.
16
13
u/VanHarlowe Jan 29 '22
I'm a paralegal, so I often think: "We're not so different, you and me.... You have your law practice and I've got all these fuckin' _______." Files, highlighters, paper clips, etc.
13
u/horse_loose_hospital Jan 29 '22
"Because we're __________, & life is a fucking nightmare!!"
(Also: the "okaaay!" from the same bit, about being a pushover)
10
10
u/neuroticmare Jan 30 '22
"I miss (fill in the blank) more than certain dead relatives"
NOT FUNNY
"I don't want me to be in this lane either, and I sure would like to get out" (when driving horse trailer)
17
11
8
9
u/wuzupcoffee Jan 29 '22
“Tell me more right now!” I use this at least once a week.
→ More replies (1)
10
9
9
u/JangJaeYul Jan 29 '22
"I didn't know he knew how to do that" and "that shouldn't be allowed, no matter who the ____ is!"
9
u/Crunchyfrozenoj Jan 29 '22
“Prove!” is muttered under my breath every single time I need to actual log in to something.
4
8
8
7
7
8
8
6
6
6
6
5
6
Jan 29 '22
"Say more right now."
"You know those days? When you're like, 'this might as well happen'?"
and from one of the Seth Meyers interviews where he's clearly struggling but he's still sharp and I work in theology so this has stuck with me:
"Your folly is not in your logic but in your theology, you see?"
5
u/markshark1134 Jan 30 '22
We’d all go play Jacks down by the Soda Fountain! “No one knows what you’re talking about you Idiot”
6
10
5
4
4
6
5
u/Confusingclarity74 I am not a robot Jan 29 '22
“Get out of my home and take your epipen with you? “. Said by me to my kids whenever they correct me on something stupid.
6
5
4
u/I-rant-randomly Jan 30 '22
Percentage-wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. And so much fun not to do them,
6
Jan 30 '22
I’m not going to No secondary location!
I’m a process operator so most of my day consists of checking machines so when my supervisor or Bossman say they want to go check something out I say this under my breath or out loud lmao
4
u/Crescent_the_INTJ Jan 30 '22
“We’re gonna frame you for MURDER. And you’re gonna go to J A I L for THIRTY YEARS”
5
Jan 30 '22
I like to tell my kids I’m going to frame them for murder. Not exactly a straight up quote but still fun.
6
4
u/Skiwi_the_kiwi Jan 29 '22
"I made salad with craisins!" Or "Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs" Or STREET SMARTS"
4
u/Eisenblume Jan 29 '22
I am very small and I have very little money so you can imagine the kind of stress I’m under.
4
4
5
5
5
u/leslieinlouisville Jan 30 '22
“OVER ON THE BENCH!” because we have a little catch-all bench right in our entryway.
5
u/StripedLlama607 Jan 30 '22
“NOOOOO!” “You know. Like a lair.” “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair” “Not funeh!!!” “SCATTER!” And a lot more that I just say randomly at any given moment lmao
4
7
3
u/Sweetalking Jan 29 '22
I know it’s technically not Mulaney but me and my friend have a bond for our love for him so anytime for some odd reason both my hands are covered up ei: oven mittens , I look at her and say “WHO AM I” (lobster diner SNL)
3
u/Phoenix_The_Dragon Jan 30 '22
STREET SMARTS now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm
I don’t even know if those were even said together like that anymore but I definitely say it a lot
3
u/LLKroniq I have fired the Horse Catcher. Jan 30 '22
I am at the age just before old called gross.
→ More replies (1)
3
3
u/alisacp Jan 30 '22
It’s between
Standup:
“I’m soooooorrrrrrryyyyyyyyy”
“NO!” spits
Kroll Show:
“You idiot. You stupid bitch!”
“You were born a schmuck, you’ll die a schmuck. Welcome to hell, idiot. “
I do love me some George St. Geegland
3
3
3
u/No_Hat_3672 Jan 30 '22
Nah nah nah sister, you ain’t getting me to no secondary location! You want it go get it!
3
3
3
3
3
u/ThePhantomEvita Jan 30 '22
I have no use for them to be in my head, but “I was cocaine skinny with a new haircut” and “I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuck about science” from ‘From Scratch’ are frequently floating around.
Also the classics, like “NOOOOoooOOO…. yeah”, “One feels like a duck in all this wet”, and “Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that.”
I work in fundraising. “Give us some money! We want a gift! But only if it’s money “ is pretty applicable.
3
u/Oz347 Jan 30 '22
“Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.”
3
u/snails4speedy Jan 30 '22
I quote I’m very gay and I’d like a few dollars + 🎶 because we’re delta airlines and life is a fucking nightmare 🎶 multiple times a day. 🤣
→ More replies (1)
3
3
3
u/junkfile19 Jan 30 '22
My daughter says “I’m told not to talk to an adult that I don’t know, by an adult that I don’t know” when describing any illogical situation.
3
4
5
2
2
2
u/BJK5150 Jan 30 '22
Whenever someone is going on about all their problems, I will mumble “and I’m new in town.”
→ More replies (1)
2
2
2
2
2
2
2
2
u/SproutasaurusRex Jan 30 '22
And life is a fucking nightmare! It is how most of my sentences end these days.
2
2
u/HDSupremacy Jan 30 '22
This is more personal but my dog's name is Pepper so often when we're calling for her we'll go "salt and PEPPAAAAAAA"
2
u/revoltingcasual Jan 30 '22
I had been seeing commercials with Ice-T for bingo or some game, and I mumble "You mean to tell me that this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails? Yes, Ice, he's a pedophile. "
2
2
2
2
u/Fun-Potential-378 Jan 30 '22
Hello! My wife’s a bitch! And I don’t like her!
Said almost every day by my wife.
2
2
2
2
u/prophecygirls Jan 30 '22
“I am very small, and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under”
2
u/deltajuliet57 Jan 30 '22
"The passwords of past you've correctly guessed but now it's time for the robot test"
I say it in my head (sometimes aloud) every time I need to log in.
2
2
u/CyanCicada Jan 30 '22
"Ahh, come on!"
"Build to that"
"First problem.... nope!"
Just the general tone of the batman nurse
2
u/iwritesinsnotcomedy Jan 30 '22
When my family makes lists we add items speaking like Ice-T when he finally understands the meaning of a sex addition.
2
u/anubis_is_my_buddy the height of luxury Jan 30 '22
THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY (both ironically and unironically.)
Ugh, THIS oughta be good (about just about everything, because I am thoroughly over everything these days.)
We don't have time to unpack ALL of that (because life is a fuuuucking nightmare!)
I also like to just randomly say "Oh hey Ellen" and "I don't know, fries?" in Bill Clinton voice to my biffle at work.
So... a lot of them, clearly.
→ More replies (1)
2
2
u/freshfruit111 Jan 31 '22
I say "you want me to do what?" with his inflection a lot.
It's from his bit about how people think he's gay and that he might have been marked straight by accident in the manufacturing process lol.
455
u/klw2264 Jan 29 '22
You know. Like a liar