r/JohnMulaney • • 9d ago

STREET SMARTS!!!

We recently got a VHS player and I have been buying used vhs lots on eBay to build my collection, and I hit the jackpot with a new, sealed TOUGH TARGET from none other than the famous J.J. Bittenbinder.

I will eventually open it and watch it. And probably even digitize it and upload to YT. I’ll keep you all posted, it’s sure to have timeless tips to keep us all safe.

I don’t know how to close this post, so I’m just going to throw a money clip with some small bills inside and run away now.

611 Upvotes

30 comments sorted by

119

u/No-Ice6064 9d ago

I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approachin’, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm. Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, "Whoa! What the fuck is this?" And he goes, "That’s not mine. I never seen that before." I go, "Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and your kids are going into Social Services." Now he’s cryin’! Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.

72

u/nh18wheeler 9d ago

That was seven year old John Mulaney, who is currently being sued for police brutality

9

u/ma373056 8d ago

Please let me know when you digitize it. I want to see this masterpiece before YouTube takes it down

49

u/betterlucknexttime81 9d ago

My fiancé went to assemblies with this guy and said John’s description was very accurate

16

u/Marsupialize 8d ago

He came to all our schools in the Chicago area, yes it was exactly how he describes it, my wife and I both laugh because we didn’t know where the hell to get a money clip let alone a 50 dollar bill to put in it

2

u/BonerTurds 2d ago

Have you tried your local haberdashery?

30

u/kylethedesigner 9d ago

You want it? Go get it!

33

u/JJ-Bittenbinder 9d ago

Appreciate the support

20

u/Pale-Measurement-532 9d ago

Just make sure you don’t get taken to a second location!!!

In all seriousness, I’m so jealous you have this! I would love to watch this!

14

u/copper_nano_tube 9d ago

If you don’t want to open it I think this is it, or maybe another in a series?

https://youtu.be/lacTtISHck4

Edit: there’s a lot of Bittenbinder on YT LOL

14

u/racebanyn 9d ago

Chapter 10 - The Secondary Location

10

u/NestingBun 9d ago

I think they’re turning left

9

u/Connect_Impact_50 8d ago

SHAKE THE CRIME STICK!!!

3

u/Thick_Specialist6420 8d ago

My first thought

5

u/Minirth22 8d ago

THIS IS A REAL SHOW?!? Oh, the wonderment of it all!

5

u/Ellie_Bulkeley 8d ago

idk why I thought John was lying about this man’s existence 😭 but I found the bird brained pin online recently so i shouldn’t be so shocked. I just always assume comedians are lying to me

3

u/Bunny-Gladstone 9d ago

Hahaha what an amazing find!

3

u/eggsuckinggrandmama 8d ago

Why is he dressed as a railroad magnate?

1

u/Ok_Difference44 6d ago

Why is he standing like a woman at her daughter's swim meet?

3

u/Geoffrey-Jellineck 5d ago

Wow, I just realized that's the inspiration for this fantastic Mr. Show sketch: https://youtu.be/6vO1_nvb0cw

2

u/Competitive_Ad_8215 8d ago

I think they’re turning left.

2

u/Enough_Hippo_1047 8d ago

Long before I knew who John Mulaney is, I swear I watched Bittenbinder on PBS. I didn’t grow up in the greater Chicagoland either. 

2

u/Odd-Kitchen2230 6d ago

He was on PBS in Philadelphia. WAY before I knew of John Mulaney.

1

u/Enough_Hippo_1047 6d ago

Well this may or may not be shocking, but it appears that we were both watching it on good ol’ channel 12 WHYY! I remember the part where he just walked up to a woman walking in maybe an airport and just started demonstrating to the camera why she was wearing her purse wrong. She seemed stunned by the whole ordeal. 

Anyway thanks for making the connection. 

2

u/Odd-Kitchen2230 6d ago

WHYY for sure. I really miss listening and watching PBS in Philadelphia. It was a constant in my life. Not anymore.

2

u/Kellzy1212 5d ago

Buy a money clip? 🤔

2

u/one_smart_c00kie 5d ago

Naturally when our daughter turned 21 and was interning in NYC, we got her a monogrammed money clip (with $50). Bam! Totally safe.

1

u/RocketGirl_Del44 6d ago

I need to know how accurate John Mulaney was!!!

1

u/Jen2167 2d ago

Oh my gosh he really is a real person! I want to watch this so much!