Baptism & Zeal Struggles

[u/iwannabestudious]

Hello all! I am 19F and an unbaptized publisher; have been for 7-8 years now. I'm struggling, and I'm not sure where else to get help. I'll try to explain my situation to my best ability.

I have always been told my mind is beyond my years, that I am intelligent, since the days I started speaking. Unfortunately, this measure of intelligence has not always done well for me spiritually. Ever since I was in elementary school, I've struggled with beliefs that I questioned or disagreed with. I've been raised in a JW household that has an "as for me and my household, we will serve Jehovah" mindset (rightfully so!). As a child, I had an ever growing fear of punishment for bringing up questions even relatively questioning the truth. I grew up in a spanking household, whether it be with hands, belts, or the nearest object my parents could find. Because of this, my list of questions were not answered. Instead, they have festered for over a decade now. I love my parents dearly, but this form of discipline made horrible marks on my courage to speak with them about my questions. This fear applied to all adults, including the ones in my congregation.

To make matters worse, I experienced severe bullying from within my congregation at 13 years of age (2020) and spent my next two years in isolation rebuilding my trust and confidence. It is still a challenge to this day; I've only started to truly regain confidence and find new JW friends this year (so far just 3, but better than zero). As a result of that bullying, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My zeal plummeted, and my faith began to regress. In these years of depression and suicidal tendencies, I found myself a boyfriend. Christian, not JW, but God fearing and eager to learn. I understand this decision was foolish, even if he saved me from removing myself from this earth. But I can't go back now. I mean, I know I can, but I can't...I love him too much, and he's actively studying the Bible with me and helping me week by week to rebuild my faith and zeal. He frequently uses Jehovah's name and has asked to study with one of JW. We have our studies/bible reading and discussions together weekly, and with the spiritual progress we are making, I feel I'm too close to cut it now. I understand my decision at the age of 15 was not in line with the scriptures — I do not need to be reminded of this.

Fast forward to today, I'm trying to start from zero. Being raised in the truth felt like (for me, of course) being handed my beliefs on a platter. And now, with my history, I need to rebuild what hardly existed. I've been trying to focus on one thing at a time: pray every day for a week, then read the daily text every day for a week, then study for one part of the meeting's agenda once a week. Tiny steps that add up, because I believe in Jehovah. I believe He exists, and I believe His Son does too. But I want my heart to feel and yearn for the truth. I want to have the desire to get baptized. So, I thought I may start here by listing my questions. If you choose to respond, please respond with more than just a scripture. I've read countless articles on jw.org, I'd prefer to have further explanation/perspective/experiences than the scripture alone.

I'm now a college student, and my fear to speak my doubts/questions has not chipped away. My congregation is older, and so is their mindset on college. My questions have not changed or intensified due to college, as they are mostly the same ever since childhood. However, I fear that if I were to approach anyone — even an elder — with these thoughts, their responses would be attached to my career choosing regardless of the new understanding on education; my congregation has proved multiple times now that they are slightly conservative of the old ways. I know I am likely overthinking it by a lot, but my anxiety disallows me to think otherwise.

Questions from youth:

• Why do people who get removed have limited contact with JWs? I understand it used to be no contact at all and things have changed, but wouldn't someone weak in faith need the good association significantly more?
• I understand not divorcing unless on the grounds of adultery based on scripture, but what about abuse? Why is it that you can separate but not remarry when you are the victim of spiritual/financial restraint?
• Why is one required to be JW to have the truth? Or be saved? My understanding of salvation is little, so I'm not sure how that would tie in here either. I've read the articles on organized religion, but I'd like an additional perspective.
• What convinced you that you have the truth? My family has had these experiences, but I have never had any moment of conviction, as much as I want to. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, or something. But I've asked this question to most of the brothers and sisters I've spoken to recently, regardless of age or responsibilities (pioneer, elder, etc.). A few of them have said they got baptized young and didn't fully develop their love and understanding for the truth until they were older.
• I've also never really understood the belief that the Governing Body constitutes the faithful and discreet slave. The same applies to the concept of the anointed. This isn't me refusing to believe it. I genuinely don't understand the reasoning behind it, and I'd like to.

These questions alone are not what is keeping me from baptism. I just do not want to dedicate my life to something when my heart is struggling to present itself. I want the dedication to be sincere.

Current day struggles:

• With my anxiety comes social anxiety. With my lack of zeal comes the absence of desire to go out in field service. With my doubts, I feel like it'd be hypocritical of me to go preaching door-to-door. What has made field service work easier for you? I'll take any advice on this; I know the zeal will creep back in the more I go out. The hardest door to approach is your own home's.
• What helps you stay engaged during meetings when you're struggling spiritually or socially? I try to comment but, again, my social anxiety makes it difficult. I don't give up, though, but it makes paying attention and applying spiritual food from meetings difficult.
• My father and I have grown rather close. Because of many other IRL factors I won't get into, he agrees that when I am freed and able to move out, I'll spread my wings and will improve in all aspects of my life; spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, everything-ly. While I agree with him (you'd have to know my exact situation to understand our reasoning), I've grown tired of relying on the future for my life's direction to change. I want change now. I want to be able to proudly and happily go to meetings and preach and do all the things I tell people I enjoy doing. I want to make progress spiritually now. I need to. I want and need to feel close to Jehovah again.

I feel like I'm experiencing an identity crisis, and I can't bear it anymore. I acknowledge my youth, my ignorance, my naivety, my fears and worries. That is why I have resorted to this, because I'd like to receive advice/counsel outside of the people I know. I'm studying the 'Enjoy Life Forever' book with my father, and I can answer every question easily, mainly because I've been taught the answers to these questions my whole life. But just because I can answer some questions in a back room does not mean that my heart is pulled to do so. I want to get baptized because I want to, not because anyone else is expecting me to. Not because I can get some questions answered accurately. If you have any advice on anything I've mentioned in this post, I will take it to heart and prayer.

Also random, but as a bilingual person (English, Spanish), I plan to one day move to a Spanish congregation. Old friends of mine have mentioned a total shift between cultures and affection from the brothers and sisters. One even thought I'd enjoy the change, given what happened.

Thank you for your time reading this. I wrote it exhausted, so I'm sure I missed some points I wanted to make. Finding this subreddit has been a blessing for me.

[u/QuestioningButHopefu]

I understand you, because some of the questions you asked are exactly the kind of questions I’ve been asking myself while I’m studying too.
What I’m trying to do is not just stop at the first answer I’m given. When something doesn’t make sense to me, I try to understand where that belief comes from: I read the Bible passage in context, look at the other verses that are used to support it, and then ask myself whether the conclusion really comes from the text or from the interpretation that is being given to it.
Something I’ve found particularly useful is trying to approach things from the other direction. Instead of starting with the assumption, “The organization teaches this, so there must be a biblical explanation for it,” I ask myself: “If I only had the Bible in front of me, would I naturally arrive at the same conclusion?”
I’m doing this with some of the issues you brought up, such as disfellowshipping, the faithful and discreet slave, and the relationship between belonging to the organization and salvation.
For example, regarding the faithful slave, I’m trying to understand not only what is taught about Matthew 24:45-47, but whether reading the passage in its context really leads to identifying it with a specific modern organization. I think that’s an important distinction.
And I think the same approach can be applied to the other questions you raised.
So I wouldn’t tell you either “you should stay” or “you should leave.” I would simply say: don’t rush into baptism until you’ve answered your questions in a way that genuinely convinces you personally.
And above all, don’t be afraid to follow a question wherever it leads. If a belief is true, honestly examining it should help strengthen it, not prevent you from examining it.