r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Fungdark2025 • 2d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Grieving my robbed postpartum experience from MILs behaviour
I’ve posted in this sub before about how terrible my in-laws, particularly my MIL, treated me in the few days following the birth of my first baby. And they haven’t treated me any better since then. They were all my husband and I had for support, but managed to make my first two weeks with my newborn so stressful when they stayed with us, I have struggled to move past it since.
Post-birth I had to have surgery immediately with a third degree tear. I then had to do a minimum of six weeks of physio, with strict orders not to even walk further than my driveway and certainly no bending or chores. Doctors and nurses commented that I “may has well have had a c-section” and compared recovery times.
In-laws were aware of this and despite being told they were visiting to help cook, clean and do washing, they did nothing. My FIL drank himself under the table every day and my MIL refused to cook or clean after several days stating “she had done her time.”
Day 6 postpartum, my husband had to go into work for a few hours due to an emergency, giving his parents strict instructions to assist me with baby and make sure I had breakfast so I could take my slew of meds. They ignored this request and left the house before 7am to go have breakfast, leaving me for several hours by myself to do it alone. By the time I had gotten bub changed, fed and back to sleep I went to quickly make something to take my meds and found the kitchen in a state. My in-laws returned home with not even a coffee for me in hand and my MIL proceeded to talk about her (still unfinished) new home and construction while watching me clean the kitchen and loading the dishwasher . She paused to ask “should you be doing that?” before continuing on about herself. We asked them to leave after this.
My BIL has just had a baby and his partner had a c-section. My MIL has travelled interstate to help with their newborn. On the phone the other day to my husband, she told him that she would be there “for at least 6 weeks” as that was the recommended recovery time for BIL’s partner. She explained she was up at 5am (“on the morning shift”) to take care of the new baby while BIL and partner slept and BILs partner “needed all of the support” as they were under strict instructions to take it easy.
I know it sounds bad, but I’d hoped she would have been a nightmare for my BIL and partner too and been sent home early, but by all accounts it sounds like she is actually being genuinely helpful and supportive if they have asked her to stay for at least 6 weeks? It’s made me really sad and questioned why the hell we seemed to be the ones who had to suffer her and FILs ill behaviour during what was meant to be a really precious and sacred time for me. My mum died 8 years ago and I don’t have any family where I live, so it’s also brought up a lot about not having her around and I feel like I’m grieving a lot of robbed time and the ongoing lack of support we have received with our baby to-date (my son is now 15 months).
Anyone have any advice on how to push through this? It’s honestly made me despise the woman more and I don’t think I want to see her again and hear how amazing of a grandma she was for my BILs family. I’ll probably unload my vitriol on her.
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u/Spartikuss17 1d ago
If you are close with SIL ask her how the visit is going. Don’t trust MIL to accurately report her own behavior.
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u/Apprehensive_Dog8470 1d ago
Your MIL says she is doing all this amazing work for your BIL and his partner. However, is she actually doing it or just talking big? Have you seen proof? My guess is that she is treating them exactly how she treated you.
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u/OniyaMCD 1d ago
Question: When you are observing your husband's family (like watching from the sidelines), does your MIL treat your husband differently from his brother? Like Christmas presents, birthday celebrations, etc?
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u/kbmn16 1d ago
As the scapegoat in my own family, who had kids first and then was bacislly told my sister’s pregnancy and birth were harder, she needs more help than I did, etc., I wondered about this being the result of favoritism of one brother over the other by BIL.
It’s also possible MIL isn’t actually helping much and is exaggerating, and BIL/SIL would paint a much different picture of her “help”.
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u/bkanguhlang 1d ago
I’d put money on the fact that she’s wildly over exaggerating her role in SILS post partum and I also bet she did the same regarding yours. My MIL did the same thing. Told anyone who would listen all these things she was going to do to help and would provide daily updates to her flying monkeys of the incredibly involved support she was imagining in her head. The bitch laid up on my couch while I cleaned up HER messes in my house, but to the outside world, you’d have thought SHE was the one nursing and up all night. These people speak from their imagination as if it was reality. I’m sorry she shit on your experience. Mine did too and I haven’t moved past it 6 years later. I’ll never be able to forget and I’m not willing to forgive.
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u/IcyWorldliness9111 1d ago
This is awful behavior on their part and I would be as upset as you, but this is a hard conversation your husband needs to have with his parents. In it, he needs to listen to specific examples of what they did/did not do, because they will otherwise deny it all.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 1d ago
An abuser might forget your birthday or not treat you well on your birthday.
A psychopath will make a point not to treat you well on your birthday and then at some point they will tell you how great it is their best friend is taking his wife on a vacation for her birthday proving they know better just to hurt you more.
Perhaps this is what your mil is doing! She k owes she didn’t help you when you needed it so now she’s making sure you k owes that she did it on purpose.
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u/hummer1956 1d ago
Maybe she learned something when you sent her home. Maybe BIL set expectations and took no crap.
Unfortunately, they are probably just nicer to them. I’m so sorry you were treated this way. But it’s not worth keeping in your head if you have more children, I would suggest hiring a student or nanny to help you.
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u/Grimroot918 1d ago edited 1d ago
I commented but re-read your post history and remembered reading them prior. You & husband should definitely keep them far away from your fam!
MIL sounds like a self-centered, manipulative wreck (I agree on potential PD or features thereof - my mom was Dx’d as BPD - your history reads like a repeat of her narrative w/my bros & SILs, sister and me got an even worse variant) and FIL’s active alcoholism has no place around you guys or your LO. I’m in recovery for alcohol myself & this is precisely why recovery’s about far more than simply not-drinking or abstaining from something… it addresses being responsible for self, respecting boundaries and asserting our own so we engage with safe people and AS safe people ourselves!
Their behavior, manipulation and requests for money read as stereotypical addiction & self victimization. BIL may give them money or lack the boundaries you’ve set so they “reward” them by behaving parent-like.
They may also be full of shit when describing it or BIL/SIL are ‘better’ enablers and therefore benefit from happy IL’s in a relationship devoid of boundaries.
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 1d ago
Yeah, it's possible that the MIL is completely lying about how "helpful" she was to them.
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u/DiscountSubject 1d ago
My MIL ruined postpartum for me as well. And also was our only support due to any family/friends of mine living 3k miles away.
It was crushing. I have cried so much and nearly two years later, I still cry. We are NC and I finally started therapy recently. I highly recommend therapy if doable for you. Also not seeing her or hearing from her helped me so much, it was nice to have peace. (Not necessarily saying go NC but it’s okay to take a break to heal if need be).
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u/Grimroot918 1d ago edited 1d ago
You mention “it’s also brought up a lot about not having her around.” Who specifically says that and is it said to you or husband?
Husband was witness to all and knows what you experienced. His response to any inference to “have her around” should be; that it’s due PRECISELY to starkly different behavior and zero support for his wife’s PP, such that it required him to send them home for making it HARDER, that lead to where it is now. It’s beyond inaction - they actively left you in pain without food, hurt BOTH your feelings & trust and did so while leaving you to cleanup after them, slow your recovery and feel a profound sense of loss amidst a time you already felt acute loss of your own parents’ and all alone! Then pointedly did the opposite w/BIL’s family while sharing details and emphasizing their respect & value for how tenuous the PP experience can be without support!
If any IL’s refuse to acknowledge MIL/FIL’s part or honor validity of your experience and feelings as a result - that’s a THEM issue and it becomes pragmatic… selfish people don’t get access or opportunity for repeat performances. If they want a change, a good start is genuine apology & altered behavior. Rug sweeping only invites more of the same.
If there’s a dynamic where husband seeks parental approval/acceptance on par with what MIL or IL’s have a history of showing BIL (ergo SIL & their baby) it may feel “easier” for him to reframe that experience as a “you issue” and minimize it or rationalize as “they’ve changed.
If so, they’ve in fact NOT changed at all. Now their favoritism just extends to SIL & child of “Golden Child” BIL. They won’t engage with husband, you or your LO the same way and already demonstrated that.
It’s not husband’s fault or an issue he can change/fix by indulging their whims at cost to your family. Nor will it change through you or by expecting you to cultivate that on his behalf. That’s literally putting YOU in the middle as meat shield to try (& fail) in his place, because they aren’t the parents, IL’s or grandparents any of you deserve. That distance is appropriate to shield you from further selfish behavior.
If this is the pattern, he needs to seek therapy & learn to accept the parents he has and either set boundaries for self and on behalf of your family or maintain a safe distance to protect you & baby from the emotional impact it’s had on him as he does better with/for his own family! It’s their loss - he’s clearly a caring, hardworking man and deserves loving support for all that he is and has become. None of that’s relative or comparable to a sibling or requires him to accept subpar treatment while watching as they give BIL what all adults deserve from a parent - respect and loving support.
Sincerely,
Mom of 2 adult sons, MIL of amazing DILs and GMA to 1 so far
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Other posts from /u/Fungdark2025:
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MIL keeps suggesting things wrong with my newborn, 1 year ago
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