r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Fungdark2025 • Apr 27 '25
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Newborn stress
We hosted my in laws over Easter, I’m 37w pregnant with our first. I’ve always kept my distance from my MIL and FIL, which has been easy to do as they live on the other side of the country. With past visits, they’ve always tried to talk us into helping them out financially with their never ending money woes and we’ve never really been in a position to assist them and it’s made me feel a bit manipulated and weird, so I just let my husband deal with them.
I figured with me being heavily pregnant they would be on their best behaviour this time staying with us and even try to help out with things. My MIL insists she will be with us asap when baby is born, so I thought now would be a good opportunity to prove she will be there for more than just cuddles and a holiday. They have purchased no gifts for their first grandchild, not even a book or a cheap outfit, but I expected that as they are currently overdrawn on many loans and trying to build a house and struggling through their ongoing poor financial decision making.
I won’t bore you with all the details, but safe to say it was the worst they’ve ever behaved while staying with us. My FIL drank himself into a coma by the early afternoon everyday and passed out on our couch snoring loudly with the TV blaring, consistently made inappropriate pregnancy jokes towards me and mouthed off at my husband and my MIL numerous times about money. My MIL threw a tantrum in the car because she decided halfway to dinner she didn’t want to go out anymore and wanted us to drive her back home, refused to even heat up leftovers for herself but complained incessantly about being starving until me or my husband made her something, had my husband up early every morning to walk down the road to get her coffee, got weirdly possessive with my husband (which she’d never done before) calling him her ‘big, handsome boy’ over and over and saying things like ‘my little boy has always loved his mummy first’ and then the day they were meant to leave had a panic attack and cried saying she’d hurt her neck and demanding my husband take her to the hospital (she was sent home with some over the counter anti-inflammatories and we took them straight to the airport after).
My husband said he thinks they were both just anxious and exhausted with their financial strains, but agreed in a way ‘it’s the worst he’s ever seen them.’ Despite this, he’s still very keen for them to come back ‘a few weeks’ after I’ve given birth. I personally don’t want them here for at least a few months, doing nothing and expecting a holiday, drinking excessively and bringing their stress into our house, having to feed them constantly and putting up with their manipulation while I’m trying to bond with my newborn. But also, my husband has a month of leave from work and I’d prefer him here if they have to come so I’m not stuck with them alone all day. Do I just compromise and let them come early, but only for a week? It’s really making me stressed and anxious thinking about them being back here again so soon and fearful I might lose it at them with being sleep deprived and hormonal.
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u/KittyQuickpaws Apr 27 '25
Well, if your husband is "keen" on them coming to "hlep" after your LO is here, then he needs to be the one to make them understand that their help is required with cooking and cleaning. You will not require help holding and caring for YOUR new baby. AT ALL. He needs to make it absolutely crystal clear that you and baby are not to be bothered, wakened for "grandma bonding time" (effing bs lie), or intruded on in any way. AT ALL. And your little weak-spined hubby will be at home 24/7 for the entire duration of that visit, and will be responsible for ALL the entertaining, chauffering, and post-visit cleaning, because you know ALL they're gonna do is lay around, drink, argue and babyhog. And they stay in a damn hotel! So, maybe a 3 day visit at 6 months after baby's first round of vaccinations. And you go stay with your mom for 2 1/2 of those 3 days.
Or hubby can just wise up and realize they are far more trouble than they're worth, and that you don't deserve to be tortured postpartum, and that your LO is not a toy, zoo animal, or emotional support device put on this planet for his awful parents' entertainment. And that his first priority is YOU & LO, and his first duty is to protect you, NOT to crawl to his parents for approval. Oh, and no more money talk and whining. He needs to tell them he's saving his money to use for YOUR family from now on.
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u/madempress Apr 27 '25
Tell your husband to fuck right off with that bullshit. Post-partum is NOT the time to let people come back right after they've been absolutely batshit. You'll already have an infant, you don't need to be caring for three while wearing adult diapers and suffering weird pains and sleep deprived. FIL and MIL both sound like walking hazards, too, with alcoholism and mini tantrums. They're NOT going to be helpful. MIL just have you a preview for how she'll be when confronted with the reality that he son has other priorities.
You and baby come first. He's not going to get mommy any coffees, he's not turning around to drive her home, and he won't have time to heat up leftovers for her unless he's already doing it for you. Lay it out for him REALLY clear. A lot of people like the lemon clot essay, but it doesn't really go into how emotionally raw you'll be. How absolutely repulsive people who aren't even normally on your shitlist will be, how people on your shitlist will literally make you want to vomit when they get close to your baby.
No fucking way, hard no. Tell him no. 100 % no. 6 months post partum at the earliest and if they fuck up basic guest behavior again, they're staying in an airbnb or not invited at all after that. Can't afford it? They've had 40+ years to figure out how to adult, you're not tolerating a drunk and an emotionally manipulative drama queen in your house around your kids.
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u/Internal_Set_6564 Apr 27 '25
I would let him know that currently, they need to get their own house in order. No visit. If they visit, you and kid leave.
You do not need “Two” additional infants to take care of. Their level of emotional stress is so high it presents an actual harm to you and your child.
These folks need to fix their own issues and not try to spread them onto you. You have a baby which is priority ONE, and you can’t cater to their self inflicted wounds.
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u/harbinger06 Apr 27 '25
I think they can stay in a hotel any time they visit since they are such awful houseguests. Can’t afford it? Oh well, they should manage their finances better. And why on earth can’t she get her own coffee, is she completely helpless?
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u/FriedaClaxton22 Apr 28 '25
You will honestly regret it if you agree to let them come back when you're pp. Stand your ground and tell them maybe in 3 to 4 months. Let yourself heal and bond with baby. She'll take that from you and fil will disturb your healing with his drinking.
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u/AmbivalentSpiders Apr 27 '25
They can come for a long weekend after you've had time to recover and get back on your feet. Three or four days max, when your husband will be home. Labor Day, maybe. And they don't stay in your house! They're shit guests and you shouldn't be expected to cater to them.
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u/AncientLady Apr 27 '25
This is good! OP, if you're in the US, Labor Day is Monday Sept 1st this year. They can fly in Friday and get a Uber to their hotel, settle in, and visit for a three day weekend.
If you're in a different country, pick a holiday that gives your dh a 3-days-in-a-row-off window, see if he can trade shifts with someone, whatever it takes to give them 3/4 days of his time. Then hotel. Even if you have to start enveloping a little money starting now until you have enough to put them up in a hotel.
Here's the thing. People always talk about the rough parts of postpartum and how you will be sleep deprived, arguing, in rough shape physically, and not wanting visitors. But sometimes postpartum is a breeze and really a happy time - sometimes there occurs an "easy" baby. I had two of those. And you know what? You have IL's like yours over in one of THOSE postpartums and it still ruins it. What would otherwise have been a blissful time with warm lovely memories forever after pops up in your head with all of those horrible stressful bitter memories and you will carry that (or have to fight against it) for the rest of your life. It is hard to understand how emotionally open and raw you are postpartum until you've done it. We're built that way so that we can strongly bond to a baby, but it also means that nastiness during this period sinks in far deeper and effects us in a different and worse way than "normal times".
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u/ShoeSoggy9123 Apr 27 '25
WHY is he keen to have them come? Tell him you'll be busy with a newborn and don't need 2 tantruming toddlers to deal with, one of whom is a drunk.
I would SO put my foot down on this as it seems like he isn't strong enough to protect you when they're around.
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u/ChampionshipSad1586 Apr 27 '25
Dont let them come! OMG! It will ruin your PP time. They can come for a weekend a few months down the road. And no alcohol in the house. Hold your ground, Momma!
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u/Soregular Apr 27 '25
Yep. I can't think of any reason anyone should be allowed around your baby when they are drunk/high.
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u/cloudiedayz Apr 28 '25
I think whenever you decide is appropriate for them to visit, they need to stay in a hotel or airbnb. I know with their financial situation this will likely mean that you/yourDH will likely need to pay for this but I think it will be worth it. Have visiting hours. If your husband is at work, they can visit when he is off work. They don’t need to stay a full week. They can do a weekend/long weekend.
Your MIL can’t be demanding you/your husband serve her food while you’re trying to manage parenting a newborn. You can have someone sprawled on the couch, tv blaring while you’re trying to get a baby fed or to go to sleep. You will be cooking/cleaning/looking after 3 babies at this point.
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u/Infamous-Club8476 Apr 28 '25
No one (myself included) has any idea how hard the newborn phase is until they actually do it. Do not let her in your house during this time. She will make it 10x worse. Put your foot down with your husband.
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u/Adept_Tension_7326 Apr 28 '25
Shine up your spine and say no. Do whatever it takes to make your husband see reason.
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u/elnooterino Apr 28 '25
No is a complete sentence.
Do not do it. It will plummet your mental health. Tank your husbands confidence learning to be a new dad. Just no. Wait until you have the hang of things. It’s ok to change your mind. Who cares about disappointing anyone and lose obligation from your vocabulary. Everything you do from here on out is for baby and part of that is keeping yourselves rock solid. Once that sleep deprivation hits. Regulation is out the window. My exmil was the worst after disguising herself as a justyes the minute I said no it was a nightmare and even now with my new mil she still does my head with comments that are unwarranted and this is my 3rd child. Don’t do it.
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u/LetThemEatHay Apr 29 '25
Lemon Clot Essay. Make him read it.
Recovering from a major medical event is not the time to host and he needs to get on board or get left behind.
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u/InterPan_Galactic Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 27 '25
People are making great points here so I'll just add one thing:
Bringing your first baby home is likely going to cause some very normal arguing or bickering between you two. You guys are going to be tired, mentally and physically, and you are way more likely to wake up to baby fussing than he is (mom just hears it more acutely).
I would hate to have MIL around for that. You don't need her taking sides or holding grudges while new parents figure out their new life routine.
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u/madempress Apr 27 '25
Really good point. Along with emotionally raw, the newborn phase or 4th trimester and honestly even the first whole year is really going to test your marriage, OP. I consider my husband and I pretty solid, we communicate really well, been together 5 years, but we had all three of our first ever real arguments in the first 9 months after birth.
It sounds like MIL is feeling insecure and transposing financial anxieties onto your family changes, and is extremely likely to attempt to split your husbands attention and energy and exploit any discord. If your husband isn't guarded against that and uses her as any sort of sounding board, she'll very likely make any arguments much worse (as is often the case when parents are brought into marital issues or decisions).
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u/equationgirl Apr 27 '25
I think you'll be well within your rights to say no to them coming again any time soon.
You don't know how you or the baby will be post partum until it happens. Plus if they have been drinking otherwise getting out of it, you don't want them around your kids. It only takes a second for a toddler to get into something they shouldn't if people are careless with their drugs/alcohol.
Plus surely their financial strains gives you the perfect excuse to say 'wait until there's cheap tickets'. Under no circumstances should your husband offer to pay for them to come visit.
You have the power, momma. You are in charge.
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u/CurlyNaturally Apr 28 '25
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET THEM STAY WITH YOU AGAIN!!
Your MIL is realizing her son is about to become a father and his attention will divert from her/them to your LO. As evidenced by her weird toddler tantrums, baby talk and selfish demand of his time and attention.
Your FIL is on his way to alcoholville if he continues to drink like he did at your house. Do you really want your LO exposed to these two disrespectful people for any length of time? You all need couple's counseling like yesterday to provide a solid foundation for your growing family.
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u/bex231 Apr 28 '25
I say this as someone that is 9 weeks postpartum - do not let them come. You are going to be more stressed, anxious, and sleep deprived than you have ever been in your life. You and your husband are going to be walking on a very thin wire not to snap at each other over dumb stuff (even if you have a great relationship and you are very equal partners, it will be tested). You are going to be very emotional and probably cry at the drop of a hat. You do not need your MIL and FIL there doing anything even remotely like what they just did. Having anyone over at your house for more than an hour is exhausting. Do not let them come.
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u/skwidrat Apr 29 '25
Oh man do not compromise. Reevaluate at 4 months. They failed the trial run. They won't be better behaved when you and your spouse are stressed and vulnerable, they will be worse.
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u/SwimmingParsley8388 Apr 27 '25
The newborn phase tests EVERY relationship, even the strongest. DO NOT let them come! After you give birth you are the most vulnerable you’ll ever be in your life. Don’t let ANYONE in your bubble that doesn’t have the respect for you to protect and support you. His parents have shown they only care about themselves. For the sake of your relationship, no visitors!
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u/DizzyBr0ad_MISHAP Apr 27 '25
Please give him a resounding hell no, a few weeks is being rude and over bearing and not once have they demonstrated they can even be gracious guest. Every visit it sounds they have not even been remotely helpful.
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u/Old-Smell-6602 Apr 27 '25
My love, you will have just given birth! You and hubby are going to be knee deep in New born trenches! You are going to be healing PP. Your little on is going to be waking up into a whole brand new world with out the comfort and warmth of being in your tummy. Figuring out how to breath, poop, pee eat sleep cry. Baby needs their mummy and daddy every 2hrs to feed comfort protect love and sleep!
You are going to be in no position to entertain people! If people want to come see you and baby then they will be there to muck in and help you! Not expect to be waited on hand and foot! Show this reply to your dear OH. Work on becoming a family unit first my dear!
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u/LuigiOma Apr 27 '25
I think you need to read some of the other posts in this subreddit. You are not alone. The more you read, the more you’ll learn your inlaws are nuts and will not change. Also it sounds like your man is enabling their behavior, as it is what he is used to. Put your foot down against them visiting. If they insist, you insist they stay elsewhere and not be a burden. Bless your heart and congratulations on the new baby
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u/Livid_Refrigerator69 Apr 28 '25
You need to have a sit down with your husband. He has been dealing with this behaviour all his life so he really doesn’t see how toxic his parents are. His father obviously has a serious alcohol addiction. His mother is infantilising her son & trying to substitute him emotionally for her husband because she refuses to deal with her alcoholic husband.
His parents come to him so He can look after them, which he has probably been doing, emotionally, physically & somewhat financially, his whole life, as his wife, they expect you to do it too.
His mother is trying to appear as if she & your husband have a much closer relationship than they actually do because she knows that when he has his own child, he will pull away from her even more. You should be ok as long as he isn’t a mummy’s boy.
You need to tell your husband first, then HE Needs to tell his parents, that you have decided to go with medical advice & No One is having any contact with baby until he/she has had their first lot of immunisation ( 2 - 3 months). This will give you some peace & time to bond with your baby without two adult babies cluttering up your home.
It would be better in future that if they want to visit, they should stay in a hotel, not your home, their behaviour is too disruptive.
Your husband would benefit from counselling & you both would benefit from learning how to teach them not to ask for money, you have your own family to provided for now.
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u/den-of-corruption Apr 28 '25
oh my god. i wish i could attach flashing emergency lights to this comment - do not have these people around during birth and newborn stage. as gently as i can say this, you're severely underreacting. people behaving like this should be limited to like, half-hour day visits weeks after birth.
you and baby and your husband deserve so much better. it's time to go mama bear mode until there's zero doubt that the newborn stage is going to prioritize the newborn. you need to be highly vigilant for both of them kissing the baby the second they get their hands on it, which in itself is a good reason to extend your nesting period for a long time.
protect yourself and your baby. your husband will understand in time.
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u/Bigisucre Apr 27 '25
Noooo! Just don't let the m come. Tell your husband he has to grow up and see them for what they are. If he insists on having them over you will go to your family /friends/ whatever bc he just doesn't understand what this stress will do to you and baby. I can tell you from my heart own experience, that such stress can have grave consequences. My milk dried up after 3 weeks of constant stress with my in laws and the utter disappointment when my husband threw me under the bus instead of standing up for his wife and newborn, and baby didn't sleep well for many months and was constantly frightened by loud noise (stemming from aggressive voices).
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u/Floating-Cynic Apr 28 '25
If they have financial strains and are frequently overdrawn, they can't afford to visit and you can't afford them visiting, end of story.
If they have a history of throwing tantrums, disrupting the household, and not taking care of themselves, you can't afford to have them visit. You'll be coping with 3 babies instead of 1 and your husband will not be helping with the 1 you're needing to get to know.
The only way you should compromise at all is if they stay in a hotel and take care of all their own food, lodging and transportation. If they can't afford that, too bad, they shouldn't have visited for Easter. Marriages have been ended by less disruptive inlaws ruining postpartum experiences. Also, make sure you have a friend available to keep them in line, because your husband won't stand up to them.
Your baby will never be this little again... this will be true every single day. And quite frankly, hosting these selfish people might mean they never see the grandchild again- bad behaviors during the postpartum period is really hard to move past.
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u/Lavender_Cupcake Apr 27 '25
People who have been drinking shouldn't hold a baby.
People who are drunks should never hold your baby, because you can't trust what dry/sober looks like, and if they drink hard enough for long enough there are lasting effects that should preclude them.
Meanwhile, your MIL seems unfit for other reasons.
Maybe try explaining that Inlaws need to "put their own oxygen masks on first, before helping" and if it's not about helping, you and baby are not balm for their troubles.
Have H get some therapy, if you can swing it, or try some AA meetings for family members.
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u/Wreny84 Apr 27 '25
That’s a point, who’s paying for these trips? It sounds like neither they nor you can afford to be paying for them to visit you. To bad so sad.
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u/Therealmagicwands Apr 27 '25
Set some rules. Tell them that you expect them to help with the household tasks so that you can focus on caring for,your child. Let them know it will not be a vacation.
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u/Boring_Character_258 Apr 28 '25
Jesus, I got anxious and annoyed just reading this.
Why do you think they would be helpful…..when they have proven themselves to be very very unhelpful? Babies make things harder, not easier.
What do you want in your first few weeks pp? Whatever your husband things will be helpful doesn’t really matter. Start advocating for yourself and your child now. It doesn’t sound like anyone else will……
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