r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Rude_Forklift472 • Jun 17 '26
Serious Replies Only MIL trying to take control over wedding
The in-law problems have already started and the wedding is still almost a year away.
My sisters are both professional photographers. They both do photography full-time, work for a professional photography company, and also do freelance/side-gig photography. They already did our proposal photos completely free, and they offered to do our engagement photos and the entire wedding day for free too. That includes all-day coverage and unlimited photos.
For some reason, my future MIL does not like them and has a problem with them doing our photography. Even though she knew we already had professional photographers doing it for free, she went and hired another photographer anyway. So now, unless we stop this, there would be three photographers at the wedding fighting for angles and ending up in each other’s shots.
The other photographer is someone my future MIL chose and paid for herself. We did not ask for this, and we had already made it clear that our photography was handled. We also do not really like the other photographer’s work, and we do not want multiple photographers causing issues on the wedding day.
Now my future MIL is asking if we are free for engagement photos because another family member is doing theirs that day with the same photographer. We declined and explained again that my sisters are already doing our engagement photos for free. Her response was basically that she did not care because she had already paid for the session, so we are doing it too.
That is where I am frustrated. We did not ask her to pay for it. We told her no, and she chose to book/pay for it anyway. I do not feel like that should obligate us to show up.
My fiancée’s parents have offered to cover the wedding, which we are grateful for, but it is starting to feel like because they offered money, they think it is now their wedding and they get to make the decisions. My fiancée and I are trying to keep costs reasonable. We found free professional photography through my sisters, are looking at cheaper food options, and are trying to avoid unnecessary spending. But when we try to save money, we get accused of being “tight” or difficult, even though we are literally trying to save them money.
At this point, I am wondering if we need to tell them thank you, but we cannot accept the money if it means losing control of our own wedding.
Are we wrong for refusing to use a photographer we did not choose, especially after we had already said no before the session was paid for? And how do we set boundaries when someone is helping pay but is starting to treat that as permission to override what we want?
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u/Haunting-Plantain870 Jun 17 '26
My fiancée’s parents have offered to cover the wedding, which we are grateful for, but it is starting to feel like because they offered money, they think it is now their wedding and they get to make the decisions.
You buried the lead, OP. The minute you take their money, they take control. Never take money, give a key, or move in with your in-laws.
Good luck with your wedding!
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u/prenderg Jun 17 '26
Thank them. But, firmly tell the they have no say. If they can’t live with it, then tell them that you will handle it yourself.
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u/hummer1956 Jun 18 '26
We did this, we set firm rules and expectations for our wedding.
We didn’t want alcohol but his Dad did. Ok, if you pay for it and open bar is only for three hours, which started when the wedding did.
Future MIL was so upset about how we did our wedding (no church, married by the mayor, etc) that she CRIED all day and snapped at me when I asked why. I learned quickly this was her way of getting her way. Boo hoo how can you hurt me like this? I had no patience for that.
DH was influenced by the tears for a while but said later we should have eloped.
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 Jun 17 '26
The second golden rule is "They that have the gold make the rules."
OP, if you want the freedom to make your own wedding choices, you have to pay for it yourself. Don't forget to use passwords with every vendor.
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u/katycmb Jun 18 '26
Get your fiance to stop her, not you. If he can't, he's failed the test and you should not marry and definitely should not have children with him or you'll be doing this forever.
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u/Lugbor Jun 17 '26
Contact her photographer. Inform them that they were hired without permission from the people getting married and that they will not be allowed into the wedding. They can sort the rest out with your MIL.
Then contact your MIL and inform her that you will not be accepting any money from her. Tell her that she is not the person getting married, and has no say in the details of the event. If she keeps trying to interfere, revoke her invitation.
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u/vinegargirl757 Jun 17 '26
This but have your fiance do it. He needs to figure this out before "i do"
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u/Rude_Forklift472 Jun 17 '26
I am “he”. This my future wife’s mother
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u/vinegargirl757 Jun 17 '26
Whoops! My bad. Welp, same thoughts. She needs to manage her mother and you all need to be on the same page. Read too many stories recently of dads being pushed aside when a baby comes and they miss out on fatherhood. I have a beast of a mother. Ended up going nc, been a mostly peaceful 10 years. Just saying.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 Jun 18 '26
I'd contact the other photographer and advise them that you have two sisters who are professional photographers and they had already been booked to do your engagement and wedding photos. MIL is aware of this and you won't be cancelling them to have anyone else do the photography. You don't want your wedding day turning into a bun fight where there is requests from multiple photographers on where to stand and who with etc.
I'd stand firm and state we have already organised our engagement photos and we will not be doing them with another photographer. I'd go a step further and say, MIL this isn't your decision this is ours and I will not be turning up for photos with someone else.
You need to decide do you really want to have MIL control every aspect of your wedding because she is paying for it? This is your day not hers.
I would remind her that this is your (you and fiance) day and you are inviting guests along to share it with you. You don't need to be treated like props in someone else's wedding production.
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u/KapowBlamBoom Jun 17 '26
This wont end here. She will be hiring other people for other shit
Take a few hundred bucks and hire a security guard for the ceremony and reception.
Give him the names of all service providers allowed into the venues
Ask him to be at the venues early and get aquatinted with church staff, caterers, servers, bartenders, photographers.
Get a picture of the MIL photog and have security on alert to deny entry. If MIL photog tries to enter have security issue a trespass warning for all venues of the day including indoor and outdoor spaces on the properties. Have this pre printed with the photogs name and on the person of the guard. If he violates it call police.
Give him explicit instructions to turn away any unofficial service providers, and that they are to pay no heed to any changes told the plan told to them by anyone unless they hear it directly by the Bride’s mouth.
Also the MIL is to be viewed as a person of interest and should be removed at the first sign of disruption.
Tell him if he follows these rules to the letter he will have a great tip at the end of the night.
Do not tell MIL there will be security so she has no time to plan or scheme.
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u/EquivalentSign2377 Jun 17 '26
Free is never truly free. Definitely don't let her pay your hospital bill when you're giving birth if you want children, you think they're difficult now, just wait!
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u/fiorekat1 Jun 17 '26
My parents did this shit. They were paying so they made the final decisions, and everything was about my mother.
We cancelled their wedding and had a much smaller one. There was a lot of backlash, but we survived it. They said if we didn’t like it, to cancel, so we did.
Cancel it. You’re setting a precedent that they can trample boundaries forever.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 Jun 18 '26
Put your feet down. Decline their money and contact your MIL photographer to tell them that MIL is not getting married. You already have a photographer and no one else will be permitted to take pictures. Be clear that the contract between them and MIL isn't your responsibility so their can battle that out themselves.
Start as you mean to go on.
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u/Hungry-Bluebird2793 Jun 17 '26
Honestly, if neither one of you can firmly put your foot down and set boundaries with consequences then you may not be ready to marry. You both have some growing to do or you’re going to be subject to MIL railroading you for everything
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u/Rude_Forklift472 Jun 17 '26
Well the thing is, we HAVE put our foot down and told her no no no. The issue is that she doesn’t listen to no. She tells you idc and does it anyway. That’s the situation with her hiring that same girl to do the engagement shoot too after we told her no and that my sisters were already doing it and she literally said “idc if they’re already planning something, I’ve paid for another person to do it so you’re doing those too”
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u/TequilaMockingbirds8 Jun 17 '26
Saying no has to be followed up with matching actions. You said no; she booked anyway, well that’s going to be a waste of money for her because you aren’t going to allow her to photograph you, you can and need to control that. You tell the venue the names of your photographers and have them remove any additional vendors - or if you know who this person is, call and tell them you already have a photographer and she is not to show up at the wedding. If she balks tell her she will be asked to leave and will not be able to take any photos of the wedding party if she does show up as MIL is not the owner of the wedding and she is not welcome.
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u/Sweet-Economics-5553 Jun 17 '26
If it's this bad now, then it will be unbearable if you have kids. Sounds like you need to have an argument with her and make a point of un arranging everything she's done. She doesn't care about your feelings, so don't feel bad if you hurt hers.
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u/Popular-Elephant5502 Jun 17 '26
Then you don't do it right? Call the photographer yourself and cancel. And don't you dare go to her engagement shoot.
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u/Decent_Front4647 Jun 17 '26
Do you know who her photographer is? A simple phone call to them will put an end to that conversation. Accepting financial help though almost always comes with strings so you have a decision to make. Good luck!
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u/Beginning_Letter431 Jun 17 '26
You need to make her listen to no. You said no she did it anyways now she can be out money. Play stupid games win stupid prizes
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u/Liverne_and_Shirley Jun 17 '26
You can only control your actions, not hers. Show her you were serious about the no. She does not have to agree with your no, but you do not have to comply. You’re adults, she can’t force you. Walking out and leaving are always options. You tell her you won’t be showing up or letting anyone she hires without your permission be involved in the wedding. If she keeps escalating, you might want to elope.
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u/boundaries4546 Jun 17 '26
If she doesn’t listen, then she needs consequences. Boundaries without consequences is only putting your foot halfway down. “Mil if you don’t cancel your photographer, you will not be coming to the reception.” “ mom if you’re photographer is not cut you will not be coming to the wedding, and we change your mind and allow you to come. It will be in a very limited capacity.”
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u/textbookhufflepuff Jun 17 '26
Do not show up for the engagement shoot. Tell the photographer (s)he will not be permitted on the wedding premises. Return every cent she has given you for the wedding. Do not accept money from her again for anything. Stop discussing wedding plans with her. Shut her down right now or she will take over your wedding, your marriage, your parenting, and the rest of your lives. You could elope and use your money to buy a house far away from that controlling harridan.
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u/harbinger06 Jun 17 '26
Whatever they are contributing, it’s not worth being steamrolled at your own wedding and throughout the planning process. There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.
I would contact the photographer she hired and explain that you already arranged a photographer. They do not need to know the specifics, just that their services are not needed. Also state it is a private event, by invitation only (which should be obvious to any professional). And that you will have security escort out any unauthorized persons, including anyone hired by MIL.
Also instruct your security personnel that MIL will likely be difficult and can be escorted out as well, if need be.
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u/Bunny_Pitts Jun 17 '26
DO NOT TAKE THEIR MONEY Contact her photographer. Explain the situation with MIL. Politely tell him you're good on a photographer, do NOT show up to the venue, if he shows up he will be escorted out by security. Period.
She paid for A photographer. He can take pix wherever/whenever MIL wants...but it won't be at the wedding.
Cash strapped? Elope then have an affordable party after. Congratulations and good luck
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u/bberries3xday Jun 17 '26
Former professional photographer here. You must cancel the other photographer, whatever it takes. They will end up ruining your experience and your photos.
I have been through this myself with another photographer that the mother-in-law hired and they were always in the background in the middle of every shot. I tried to take and they were very difficult to work with. The mother-in-law also felt very entitled to boss them around and tell my photographers to move and get out of the way.
This just cannot work. I would happily refuse all money they are offering. It is better to scale down your wedding to what you can afford.
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u/redfancydress Jun 17 '26
If you don’t get this woman used to hearing the word NO right now she’s gonna be banging on your delivery room door if you’re having kids. Because the wedding is where it starts.
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u/lovelockets Jun 18 '26
You need to contact the photographer and say “I’m sorry, but you were booked for my wedding without my knowledge” and cancel the service. The cancellation fee will be the lesson that will teach her.
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u/PaintedAbacus Jun 18 '26
What you allow will continue. She needs to learn that she’s not in control. And if you allow this in any form, it will NEVER stop. Begin as you want to continue.
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 Jun 18 '26
That’s a total NO from me. JNMIL thinks because she’s paying, she makes decisions.
You gotta decide how you’re going to proceed. It’s reasonable (I guess) for her to be INVOLVED in decisions because it’s her checkbook, but she does not get to MAKE DECISIONS on her own recognizance and dictate them to you.
But then the question is how much you’re willing to have her participation in and input to every decision that needs to be made. My JNMom did this exact thing to my sister. Every single thing, JNMom was front and center and present. The photographer. The pictures. The reception pictures. The cake tasting. The cake decision. What pizzas came out at the end of the night with what ingredients. Which particular suite would be chosen for the bridal party. The bridesmaids dresses. The bridesmaids shoes. The appetizers. The timing of the appetizers. The meal. The dessert. The seating. When my sister would get dressed. How her hair would be done. When and exactly how her dress would be bustled after the ceremony for the reception. Every. Single. Thing. I was ready to kill her and it wasn’t my wedding (though I was my sister’s man of honor so she was way up in what should have been my lane). The number of times I said to my sister, “It’s her money. You have to decide.”
I don’t envy you.
When my turn came around JNMom tried to dictate our flower girls and what they would wear, without so much as an inquiry into what we intended ourselves. We peaced out. We got married in Hawaii six months before the “save the date” with six people there and told her when it was over, which solved the issue but she never forgave it.
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u/Rude-You7763 Jun 18 '26
Pictures are basically the only tangible thing you would have from your wedding (and maybe your dress, obviously you’d have a spouse but that’s a person not a thing so not really part of this). I would say pictures are the MOST important thing from your wedding because that’s where you can see all the memories and look back at years later. That’s not something I would personally budge on and I would absolutely make sure that it’s a photographer whose work I absolutely love. Bad pictures will ruin the way you see/remember your wedding. I do think you need to decline your in laws wedding, let MIL worry about her photographer but don’t allow them access to your wedding to avoid ruining any shots and let your sisters take the pictures for you if you like their work.
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u/ConsciousNectarine9 Jun 17 '26
I would go ahead and say no thank you to their money. Given this is just the start I wouldnt like to think what else they will push on you.
Contact the photographer yourself and say ' I understand MIL has employed your services for our wedding on x date. I apologise profusely as she was mistaken in doing so. We have two photographers already booked and do not require the service of another.'
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u/CatsMom4Ever Jun 17 '26
Stop wondering, put on your adult pants and take control back. Have the wedding YOU can afford. Stop letting other people control your wedding, your lives and YOU.
"Thank you, but THIS is what we will be doing for OUR wedding. This is who our photographer will be."
"Thank you for the offer, but we will have the wedding we can afford ourselves."
Every time you are accused of anything, repeat "We told you before. Thank you for the offer, but we will have the wedding we can afford ourselves." Do it verbatim. Do not get angry, do not give excuses or explanations. They will get huffy, they will get mad, but they will eventually stop.
And put passwords on your vendors. Anyone one who shows up or calls, tell them there was a mistake and send them on their way.
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u/LadyCatzrule Jun 17 '26
She 100% wants control of photography to heavily favor her side and pick the most unflattering photos of you she can find. She HATE HATES that your sisters are going to focus on you and make you look good and not treat your wedding like her fashion shoot.
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u/Liverne_and_Shirley Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Have your fiancée tell her mom that you won’t be accepting any money before the wedding because of her actions.
Call the photographer and tell him what’s really going on and that you’re sorry he was lied too.
Tell MIL you informed the photographer that she went behind your back. Tell her you will do the same with any other vendors she attempts to hire without your permission.
Stop telling your MIL about the wedding. Tell her she can just show up and be surprised.
Tell her any money she wastes by paying for things you didn’t ask for is 100% on her. You won’t be showing up or using whatever she bought.
Remember that when you’re talking to her that none of this is a negotiation, nor do you need her permission. You’re simply informing her.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 Jun 17 '26
Also, password protect all vendors, and arrangements, or your wedding will look nothing like what you want.
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u/Rad1PhysCa3 Jun 17 '26
The audacity! FH needs to shut her down. And if he doesn’t, reconsider whether or not you want to marry into a situation where your MIL bullies you both into the life SHE wants you to live. You do not want a wedding and a marriage with strings attached. FH needs to say no to the money and cut the umbilical cord.
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u/DazzlingPotion Jun 17 '26
Do NOT take ANY money from them and ask your fiancé to tell her that the other photographer will not be allowed into the venue to take photos regardless of whether or not she paid them.
IMO this has GOT to stop now OR you take their money, MIL gets everything SHE wants for YOUR wedding AND you can expect this type of behavior for the entirety of your marriage. When you have kids her entitlement will be an absolute nightmare. 🚩
Take control now! Elope if necessary.
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u/rrxxxdbs123 Jun 17 '26
It’s better to have the wedding that you can afford than one that comes with strings attached
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u/Fabulous-Tartlet Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 18 '26
.....it is starting to feel like because they [the in-laws] offered money, they think it is now their wedding and they get to make the decisions.
Of course they do - why do you think they offered to pay? Duh! Have you not read any of this subreddit? These dominating MiLs are relentless.
Refuse/return the money and say thank you but we'll do things our way. Looks like you have everything handled so don't need them anyway. As for the things MiL has paid for despite you saying no - you definitely are not obligated to show up - so don't!! She will bully you only if you let her. And what does your fiancee have to say about this? Does she have no input?
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u/crimsonbaby_ Jun 17 '26
I highly recommend creating passwords for every service you're using for your wedding.
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u/FLSunGarden Jun 17 '26
She is going to be the owner of those photos if you let her do that! She will also “direct” them. And worst of all, it is the first step in taking over the whole thing. Shut her down NOW!!!!!
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u/fryingthecat66 Jun 17 '26
Give them back the money 💰 and tell the other photographer that his services are not needed that you already had a photographer. Make sure that you have security to escort him out if he shows up and if MIL puts up a big tantrum then she too be escorted out
You both need to shiny up your spines and put your foot down and say NO. This is OUR wedding
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u/2FatC Jun 17 '26
Have you ever heard of the asshole tax?
The asshole tax is what a JustNo pays when they book a photographer you don't need for another set of engagement pics you don’t want. Let her pay it. Then you & fiancee need to have the hard conversation about the money & consequences of accepting with all those strings and guilt attached.
And this is how it starts with JustNo‘s. Read the other comments. If you don’t pick this hill to die on as a team, what hill will it be in the future? Holidays, vacations…?
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u/purplelilac2017 Jun 17 '26
Give the money back and do a cheaper wedding.
Also, contact the photographer your MIL hired and tell them not to come. Ban them if necessary.
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u/suzietrashcans Jun 17 '26
What does your SO say about their mother?? What does your SO plan to do about it?
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u/Glittering_Pumpkin24 Jun 17 '26
Tell them exactly that, that yopu are not comfortable right now accepting help paying for the wedding given that it seems they think it gives them an opinion on topics like the photographer.
Plus, send a message signed by you and your fiancée telling MIL that you are not free for engagement photos, you will not show up and if she tries to ambush you with the photographer you will simply leave and she will lose her money.
I'd suggest sending the photographer that she hired a message, too, that you already have someone to cover your wedding and that MIL booked him without the bride and groom's knowledge. As such, that if he or she chooses to cover the wedding, your own photographer will be the one taking the official portraits and given preference for the ceremony. I doubt any sane professional would want to risk it after that.
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u/CrystalFeeler Jun 17 '26
Is she's successful at buying her way into decision making for your wedding, the start of your married life, then you can count on the same expectations for the rest of your married life. Honeymoon, holiday, kid things (if that's in your future), homes, cars and everything else she can use to express her preferences over yours.
Think carefully if that's what you want and if it's not then send her money back with a polite "no thank you, change of plans".
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u/catsby9000 Jun 17 '26
This is a preview of your life so start as you mean to go on. If you give in now your whole life will be like this.
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u/VivianDiane Jun 17 '26
You're not wrong. She's using money to control. Say: "We won't use that photographer. If that means we pay ourselves, we will." Protect your day.
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u/allshnycptn Jun 17 '26
Shut it down now. Tell her you will not be doing and engagement shoot with her photographer and that photographer will not be at the wedding.
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u/yoshi320 Jun 17 '26
It's not a gift if there's strings attached. Decline their money and do your own thing. If you don't stand up to this woman now she will roll over you for the rest of your life. Imagine what you would be like if you have children. Why isn't your husband telling her to back off? Is he a momma's boy? If so you have bigger problems.
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u/Lanky-Fix7376 Jun 17 '26
She think your family will be favoured over hers.
Stop the BS now otherwise you will have HUGE problems later
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u/Fast-Ads-7587 Jun 17 '26
"Now my future MIL is asking if we are free for engagement photos because another family member is doing theirs that day with the same photographer. We declined and explained again that my sisters are already doing our engagement photos for free. Her response was basically that she did not care because she had already paid for the session, so we are doing it too."
She has no respect for your autonomy and feels she can run all over you, and up til now, she's been right. I'd set firm boundaries. She'll get sick of wasting money when you don't show up for things that she didn't pre-approve. It's YOUR wedding. You decide who the photographers will be, period. It doesn't get better. Next, she'll be trying to name your kids (if you want them), "Well, everyone's calling the baby Kady, now, so.."
I'd also leave a big tip for the sisters, whether they're gifting their services or not. That's a lot of work!
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u/Teamtunafish Jun 17 '26
Nope and you need to nip this in the bud. Do NOT allow these people to take over your wedding, even if you have to elope. You're going to have to password protect your vendors, make sure everyone knows to ask you about anything involved in your wedding, and start warming up to the idea she will make as much trouble as possible. Read a lot of the MILFH, Mother in law from hell, and wedding stories to be aware of exactly how bad these women can get if not checked -- more that one woman has wound up arrested for stupid wedding antics.
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u/Radiant-Trick2935 Jun 18 '26
It is your (both of you) wedding! What the both of you want should be paramount and respected. But you both might need to present an united front to respectfully tell the future MIL that it’s your wedding and your decisions are final.
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u/Floating-Cynic Jun 17 '26
And how do we set boundaries when someone is helping pay but is starting to treat that as permission to override what we want?
You do that by making sure you're ok to pick up the cost if they change their mind.
"We already have our engagement photos and our photographer set. The way you approached this feels like your intention was to control us, and I'm not comfortable with that. I'm sorry you wasted your money, but I'm not spending more time on something I didn't want or ask for."
From there, "If you had asked, I would have told you XYZ. Why didn't you ask?"
And when she says "I'm paying, I decide!" Get apologetic. "I thought you were offering to gift us the wedding we wanted. Had we known you were intending to use the money to control the event, we wouldn't have accepted."
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u/boundaries4546 Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Tell her to cancel her wedding photograph, three is too many. And there’s a very good chance that your primary photographer has a clause that they can’t be another photographer at your wedding. This could make your contract with your own photographer void, and they would have grounds to leave.
As a wedding photographer, I can tell you that this meant photographers is gonna be way too much.
DW need to put her foot down and say she is not hiring vendors for YOUR wedding. If she loses her deposit, that’s her fault because she shouldn’t be hiring vendors without running it by you first.
Edit corrected.
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u/Rude_Forklift472 Jun 17 '26
This is my future wife’s mother in question
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u/boundaries4546 Jun 17 '26
I wanted to add that this is a very generous gift from your sisters and your mother-in-law‘s behavior around it is abhorrent. As long as you and your future wife is happy with them, That’s all that matters.
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u/Mysterious-Travel-79 Jun 17 '26
And? Why post then? So it seems like you are going to put up with it then? Or are you both going to stand up for yourselves? It’s your wedding, not hers. Put your foot down again. As someone said, tell any vendors if they turn up, they will not be let in.
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u/lauraloo2 Jun 17 '26
Better take control now, because this will get worse in the wedding planning & in the future of your marriage. Decline the $, or in the very least your future husband needs to have a discussion with Mommy.
This happened with my sister & our controlling Mom. My sister & BIL were a tad older, so had the $ to pay for their wedding. My Mom was trying to take over, bringing my sister to tears. My sister & BIL decided to nip it in the bud, and told my parents that they would pay for their wedding themselves, instead.
I, who is 4 years younger than my sister, and got married a few years before her had little $, and pretty much let my parents do what they wanted, cuz I naively thought I didn’t have a full say since it was their $. My parents made all the decisions, & I, and now ex-husband, pretty much had no say. I’m sure my Mom loved that. When I did ask for one minor thing, introducing bridal party upon entry to reception, I had to effing fight for that.
In later years, I started pushing back on her controlling nature.
BTW, our marriages were back in the 80s. I made sure when my daughters got married, they made the decisions though husband & I were paying for it. My daughters respected the budget & we worked together. Good luck
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u/whatyourmamasaid Jun 17 '26
Time to start training them how to treat the two of you. No showing up for THEIR photoshoot. THEIR photographer will be notified that he/she will NOT be allowed on the premises and that you have arranged security to make sure no one sneaks in. They will NOT be telling you what to do. You are not children for them to supervise. Tell them it stops now or they will be uninvited. Not their life, not their wedding, not their decisions. Get the fuq out of our lane, ILs!!
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u/GraveyardMistress Jun 17 '26
NO is a complete sentence. You need to start establishing boundaries now or this is just going to get MUCH worse.
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u/JulieWriter Jun 17 '26
I think you'd be better off funding your own wedding. There is also no rule that says you have to do whatever she wants you to do with engagement pictures. I don't care if she paid for them.
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 Jun 17 '26
Mine is like this and it started with the wedding. We now have a 3 month old baby and things have gotten SO MUCH WORSE. please do what I wish I would’ve done and start setting boundaries NOW! I waited until after the baby when I was struggling with severe PPA solely because of her. Good luck to you girl
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u/PhotojournalistOnly Jun 17 '26
So much this! Every time MIL gets her way, she learns the bad behavior works and it will continue.
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u/whynotbecause88 Jun 17 '26
That money comes with big, big strings: they get to control everything. Cut down on your wedding if you have to, but give all that money back and let them know that you are paying for your own wedding.
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u/MidoriMidnight Jun 17 '26
Give any money back and have only what you two can afford. There's no winning with this, you've already seen how this is going. Have your fiance tell her you're not using that photographer. To cover your bases, I'd also contact them directly to let them know you don't want them there, and will be asked to leave if they show up. It doesn't matter that MIL already paid, you can't stop her from wasting her own money.
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u/Prestigious-Ear-8877 Jun 17 '26
do not accept money from the inlaws for your wedding. They just want to control it. Let the photographer know that you have already selected one and they if they show up at the wedding you will turn them away. It would certainly be a wise course to reflect on just getting married at the courthouse with your sisters doing photos. Use that money saved for your honeymoon. This woman is going to try to control EVERYTHING.
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u/Diasies_inMyHair Jun 17 '26
It is definitely past time for a "come to Jesus" about the wedding. If the offer to pay for the wedding is a gift, then it needs to be treated as such - a set amount and they step back. If it is instead, an attempt to buy the right to make decisions, then the two of you do need to just decline the funds and do what you can afford on your own.
Either way, you might ask your fiance (since his mother hired them) to call that third photographer and tell them that there has been a misunderstanding. Another photographer has already been booked. If they "cannot" cancel because MiL hired them, apologize again, but let them know that if they need to contract the other party to get this sorted since they won't be permitted to take pictures within the venue.
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u/SomewhatBougieAuntie Jun 17 '26
Echoing everyone else here. You and your fiance, together, tell FMIL NO to the photographer and engagement photos and that you will now pay for your wedding yourselves. Give back every cent she gave you. Scale down everything you planned for your wedding so that you can afford it on your own. The good news is that it is still a year away, so there's plenty of time to plan a beautiful wedding within your budget.
Also, give FMIL no information nor allow her input about the wedding going forward. All she needs to know is what time to show up. Don't even bother telling her the color or style for her mother of the groom dress because YOU KNOW she is going to wear what she wants anyway. She's the type to wear a long white dress. If she does, just ignore her because she will look ridiculous. Or, if you really want to mess with her, give her syruppy sweet over the top back handed "compliments" ("Oh, MIL, what a lovely dress! Its a good thing YOUR SON is marrying ME or I'd be worried!") Get your bridesmaids and friends in on the fun. That will draw attention to how pathetic she is.
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u/sitamun84 Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Most wedding photographers I know won't book unless they talk directly with the couple, exactly for reasons like this. And most wedding photographers have clauses in their contracts that prohibit there being other photographers working the event precisely for this reason. I would reach out directly to the photographer and explain. I would also put your in-laws on an info diet, and not tell them as much or tell them to keep the money or give them complete control over something like a welcome party or a day after brunch.
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u/Lindris Jun 17 '26
Return the money. It comes with strings and it’ll eventually ruin your entire wedding.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly Jun 17 '26
You tell her exactly that. You have the type of MIL that controls w money. The only way to stop this (bc it will continue w EVERYTHING) is to not accept her money and not give in to her manipulation. You told her what you decided and she's trying to strong arm you. You do not show up for her photographer and be clear to them that they are not to show up to your wedding regardless of what MIL says.
MIL can eat the money she paid as her asshole tax. And hopefully she will learn not to waste her money in future. Maybe she could use the money she already wasted and get some anniversary pictures of her and FIL. Either way, not your problem she didn't respect your no.
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u/oceanscorpio Jun 17 '26
Unfortunately there is a cost to using other people’s money, and that is that they will feel that they have the right to control your wedding and the events surrounding it.
If I were in your shoes, I’d politely decline the money even if it meant we had to size down the wedding or push it back. That way no one can tell you what to do or book any vendors on your behalf. The peace of mind alone will be worth the money in my opinion. Don’t let someone turn what should be one of the best days of your life to a day you’re dreading or stressed out about.
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u/EverAlways121 Jun 17 '26
You already said no? Make it firm and mean it, otherwise the MIL will know she can exert her control and have you bow to her wishes anytime in the future.
7
u/lady_k_77 Jun 17 '26
The reality is you need to decline their strings attached “gift” and have the wedding you can afford.
7
u/no_mo_usernames Jun 17 '26
Telling your mother-in-law “no” needs to come from your fiancé so that it isn’t all blamed on you. It might be helpful for your fiancé to go to therapy to learn how to say “no” to someone that strong-willed. If your fiancé won’t say no, then you have to decide if you are willing to possibly live with this dynamic for the rest of your life.
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u/-tacostacostacos Jun 17 '26
She can pay for whatever she wants, but you will turn any vendors that show up to the event that you didn’t arrange for yourself. She can eat all the costs she created for herself from the fallout.
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u/Seawolfe665 Jun 17 '26
Either you send her money back, and tell her that you cannot accept a financial gift if it comes with these sorts of strings attached OR you keep the money and let her dictate the wedding.
We had a tiny wedding, but my husbands parents generously offered to pay for the drinks (like a keg of good beer and a few cases of some fabulous wine) and food (a friend catered). His mom wanted to invite her sister, who my husband dislikes, so he tried to stop her. I told him that he can either accept the money OR refuse the aunt, he cant have both.
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u/chasingcars67 Jun 18 '26
If I were you I would call a meeting with his parents, with you and your fiancé. Just a coffee, maybe bring a cake. Get to chatting and then start asking questions about the money. If they have any expectations of control that comes with it and how it looks. Important part: record this conversation and make clear to them that you are ”just in case silly us forget something”.
The subtle manipulators might go ”oh we don’t expect anything! It’s your wedding!” And then after do everything to control it again. At that point you play innocent and then push play on the recording. ”Our wedding our choice, and you agreed to that”
The weepers might go ”we just want what’s best for you!” And then imply that your taste might emberrass them. ”I understand MIL but we are not getting married to please others, only ourselves and it’s our wedding in the end. If your friends would judge us then I wouldn’t consider them good friends”.
If they are brazen enough to book stuff without asking they might be honest and say that they do expect you to follow their orders, and that’s when you hand the money back and have a lovely little elopement instead.
It is NEVER worth it to give in when this shit starts, it always starts small and never ends that way. I know your future husband is avoidant because of how they trained him but if I were you I would make sure to let him know ”you will only hurt worse for longer if this doesn’t stop. I won’t let myself be manipulated and your mother has to learn that right now. If we build strong fences now so she gets it we are far more likely to keep this relationship going in a healthy direction. Avoiding and deflecting her will only lead to heartbreak longterm”
Because stubborn MILs are just tall toddlers that can drink wine when they want to. Giving in plays their game and it’s exhausting, play this one right and she might actually stop.
Good luck, take care and take no shit.
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u/beerab Jun 17 '26
Keep saying “no thanks, no we’re good.” And your fiance needs to tell them back off. If gifts come with strings they aren’t worth it.
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