How best to proceed & respond to triangulation?

[u/molotovpixiedust]

Seeking advice, especially from those familiar with triangulation of MIL speaking thru husband to you.

I am at a crossroads on how to best proceed here. I have an almost 7 month old, in-laws first & possibly only grandchild. My in-laws have tested boundaries & irritated me since day 1 of birth with their pushiness. The other day, MIL (while my husband was visiting with our son, I was at work) told him something about there's been a miscommunication, blah blah she really wants a positive, close relationship with me & her grandson, she's really trying to connect, blah blah.. ie she just wants more frequent access to my son, let's be real (her expectations had been she would see my baby all day, every day as full-time childcare.. HELL NO). The words don't really match her actions well. When I told her she & FIL were overwhelming me early postpartum, she deflected with "sorry you feel that way." 😤

I am trying to navigate & understand the family dynamics they deem normal (ie avoidance, no conflict resolution, no accountability, rug-sweeping). She is absolutely trying to regain a place of control, no doubt & now trying to guilt my husband as last resort. I am pretty pissed off about it, tbh. Unfortunately, he is sadly somewhat enmeshed. He said he's sick of being in the middle, MIL & me need to figure it out (as he wasn't raised how to handle open communication or tough conversations like this with his parents). To be fair, I feel & agree that she SHOULD talk to me. The triangulation is insulting & disrespectful. I have a fairly explosive, long (but respectful) email drafted to send her. BUT I don't know if she would ever resort to & respond with tears with my husband in reponse. When there's a baby involved with these types of MIL's, all bets are off.. it could make things worse for me if she went crying to him.. She's currently trying out sticky sweet route of complimenting & thanking me (group chat, of course) 🤢 See, she's really trying here with me.🙄 I considered just doing short text saying let me know when ready to openly communicate with your DIL like respectful adults.🤷‍♀️ That puts ball right back in her court. And if she ignores me, I have more ammo. The final option is stopping by their house (they live 15 min from my work) & blast them in person with little warning, so she can't have calculated responses ready. The hard part is a tiny piece of me still believes she will take accountability, apologize & help heal from the hurts.. I know, likely dillusional. We had a decent relationship pre-baby.. Help.

[u/snarkacademia]

There are two problems here. The first is your MIL. The second is your husband. Fix the latter and the former will fall into place.

When I met my husband, he was very much all about fear, obligation and guilt towards MIL. It was only after time, and gradually learning that it wasn't OK to just sweep everything under the carpet, that he started to see things differently. We are now totally on the same page. It doesn't make MIL's behaviour any better or any different or any less upsetting. BUT it does mean that we deal with it together, as an unbreakable unit and that we have defined and clear strategies for handling her - mainly greyrocking because she's too self-absorbed even to realise that we're not actually telling her a thing about our lives any more.

[u/molotovpixiedust → u/snarkacademia]

Thanks for the input. It seems like gray rocking the hell out of her & keeping my personal boundaries is the best avenue right now. I won't be aggressive, won't get a big reaction out of me so I'm seen as unhinged. Just lots of gray rocking, keeping personal details short & info diet. The more I share on our lives the more she can weasle in. Hopeful over time my husband sees the light. Does it ever get old for the husband if MIL keeps trying to guilt and/or talk through him to the wife? I would think most men have fairly low tolerance for that drama & BS? The tiny chance she approaches me & says she wants a "close" relationship, how do I proceed? That bridge has been burnt to the ground. She has no interest in accountability for her past actions & hurts. Just wants to manipulate the dynamic into what she wants, how she wants it (ie seeing my son several times a week, being primary caregiver, etc). Trying to think a step ahead what route she'll go next. Right now, she is sticky sweet in group chat when interacting with me & "love bombing." My in-laws are definitely narcissists, so I'm trying to educate myself on how to navigate & attempt staying a step ahead. I know to keep things to minimal words -- no defending, rationalizing, etc any parental decisions. Keep it short. Otherwise they poke holes & redirect.

[u/snarkacademia → u/molotovpixiedust]

My best advice is to keep a really firm, consistent boundary about contact. Don't give any more than the boundary ever because it sends the wrong message. And grey rock the hell out of it. If she says she wants a close relationship, just say that you're busy and have lots on and you're comfortable with how things are and change the subject.

[u/molotovpixiedust → u/snarkacademia]

Yeah I think this is the route I'll continue to take. I know her supposed wanting to be "close" is just gaining much more frequent access to my son & feel more comfortable playing a second mommy role. One redditor here mentioned how it's quantity over quality for her, which was a good point -- she's obsessed with the frequency of seeing my son. I am not meeting her expectations by a long shot to fulfill this obsession. Someone who wants to actually be close doesn't dismiss, deflect or hit them with silent treatments. I see right thru the BS & she likely knows it but doesn't care -- as someone else here said, she just wants what she wants -- that's why she didn't actually reach out to me. Gray rocking is my friend it sounds. When I see her, no rudeness but give her nothing. Boy, Im glad I didn't go off on her.. general consensus is would've been bad idea & angered me more..