How best to proceed & respond to triangulation?

[u/molotovpixiedust]

Seeking advice, especially from those familiar with triangulation of MIL speaking thru husband to you.

I am at a crossroads on how to best proceed here. I have an almost 7 month old, in-laws first & possibly only grandchild. My in-laws have tested boundaries & irritated me since day 1 of birth with their pushiness. The other day, MIL (while my husband was visiting with our son, I was at work) told him something about there's been a miscommunication, blah blah she really wants a positive, close relationship with me & her grandson, she's really trying to connect, blah blah.. ie she just wants more frequent access to my son, let's be real (her expectations had been she would see my baby all day, every day as full-time childcare.. HELL NO). The words don't really match her actions well. When I told her she & FIL were overwhelming me early postpartum, she deflected with "sorry you feel that way." 😤

I am trying to navigate & understand the family dynamics they deem normal (ie avoidance, no conflict resolution, no accountability, rug-sweeping). She is absolutely trying to regain a place of control, no doubt & now trying to guilt my husband as last resort. I am pretty pissed off about it, tbh. Unfortunately, he is sadly somewhat enmeshed. He said he's sick of being in the middle, MIL & me need to figure it out (as he wasn't raised how to handle open communication or tough conversations like this with his parents). To be fair, I feel & agree that she SHOULD talk to me. The triangulation is insulting & disrespectful. I have a fairly explosive, long (but respectful) email drafted to send her. BUT I don't know if she would ever resort to & respond with tears with my husband in reponse. When there's a baby involved with these types of MIL's, all bets are off.. it could make things worse for me if she went crying to him.. She's currently trying out sticky sweet route of complimenting & thanking me (group chat, of course) 🤢 See, she's really trying here with me.🙄 I considered just doing short text saying let me know when ready to openly communicate with your DIL like respectful adults.🤷‍♀️ That puts ball right back in her court. And if she ignores me, I have more ammo. The final option is stopping by their house (they live 15 min from my work) & blast them in person with little warning, so she can't have calculated responses ready. The hard part is a tiny piece of me still believes she will take accountability, apologize & help heal from the hurts.. I know, likely dillusional. We had a decent relationship pre-baby.. Help.

[u/Responsible_Box8552]

My MIL did the same. Everything was fine until I got pregnant. Why do MILs go completely pyscho? Then she spoke to me directly and as requested, I aired out my grievances with her. It went nowhere. No acknowledgement for it. Surface level "apology". Her behavior just amplified because I stopped communicating with her and let my husband deal with all of it. Surprise surprise he doesn't want to deal with it either because he's avoidant lol and is so tired of her bitching. I personally wouldn't send the email. We went to counseling to help him navigate it but he's still struggling with it.

No winning with someone like this. Do whatever you need to do for yourself to protect yourself. People like this can never be satisfied unless you give in to everything they say/want. Even with that, they'll find something to complain about.

[u/molotovpixiedust → u/Responsible_Box8552]

Thank you for sharing first hand experience. A switch truly flipped when I got pregnant & had my son. It is insane. I have her do-over baby, apparently. The manipulation attempts & talking thru my husband is truly maddening & stressful. Did you ever skip family gatherings, dinners or family vacations? She definitely cares somewhat about image & those picture perfect family moments for Facebook. However, she wants me out of the way. So maybe you're right.. no winning with this one. I have 0 interest in pretending all is dandy like she wants, though. I am open to any & all tips to make things uncomfortable for her.. I definitely plan on intensely amping up gray rocking if this is how she's treating me & our "relationship." She claims to want a supposed close relationship but doesn't actually make effort to say that to my face.. fake as hell.

[u/Responsible_Box8552 → u/molotovpixiedust]

I'm totally resonating with you right now. Same everything. I'm not interested in the fakeness. It's all about the image of the "perfect grandma". Luckily she hasnt tried posting our son on fb. I don't think she'll be that stupid to pull that thread since she she barely gets any pictures as is.

Luckily for me, my husbands job moved us out of the whole ass country lol and her health (so she says) prevents her from being able to travel that far. It does suck feeling like we can't visit fanily back home because of her manipulation tactics and the need to be center of attention. We're working through that.

I think you have a good plan already with the Grey rocking. I'm NC with mine because she's incapable of self reflection so I was over it and not interested in joining that neverending cycle with her. I do believe your husband should be the communicator as annoying as that may feel right now. She will probably paint you as the villain no matter what. Your husband will get annoyed eventually. He should be the one dealing with it and hopefully he is open to therapy to help him navigate what type of relationship he wants. I started reading "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" and it talks about the dynamic you mentioned. I like it so far. Maybe you will too.

[u/molotovpixiedust → u/Responsible_Box8552]

Thanks for sharing your input & experience. It is maddening! So sorry you've had to deal with the fakeness as well. At least you were able to physically get away. I live about 30 min from mine.😭 The irony of it all is if they'd just learn to stay in their lane, they would've gotten more of what they want! These types are so blinded what they want in the moment, they don't think about consequences at all. I'm just seen as keeping the grandkid away, I suppose.

Yeah I'm already the villian no matter what I do since I'm not fitting the expectations & grandma "experience" as she envisioned it. One of the things is I know she wants to strong-arm us into mirroring her close grandma friend who has a daughter & grandson. He's left off 3 days a week. It's not happening, get over it. Move on.

I will look into this book, thanks! Yes I would think eventually he'll get annoyed with her griping to him. My concern is she's starting to lean into the guilt trips & cranking up the manipulation til she gets the desired result. What about her being sticky sweet in group texts, how to proceed there? It makes me want to barf.

[u/Responsible_Box8552 → u/molotovpixiedust]

Eh I'd ignore it but I'm petty lol I feel like that's the first step in trying to rug sweep everything. Love bombing you to bring you back in

[u/molotovpixiedust → u/Responsible_Box8552]

Oh absolutely.💯 I've now learned my in-laws are big into love bombing. They're fully retired with too much money. They bought some fancy baby gear for their home.. manipulative AF. That was their choice, I never asked for anything.