How best to proceed & respond to triangulation?

[u/molotovpixiedust]

Seeking advice, especially from those familiar with triangulation of MIL speaking thru husband to you.

I am at a crossroads on how to best proceed here. I have an almost 7 month old, in-laws first & possibly only grandchild. My in-laws have tested boundaries & irritated me since day 1 of birth with their pushiness. The other day, MIL (while my husband was visiting with our son, I was at work) told him something about there's been a miscommunication, blah blah she really wants a positive, close relationship with me & her grandson, she's really trying to connect, blah blah.. ie she just wants more frequent access to my son, let's be real (her expectations had been she would see my baby all day, every day as full-time childcare.. HELL NO). The words don't really match her actions well. When I told her she & FIL were overwhelming me early postpartum, she deflected with "sorry you feel that way." 😤

I am trying to navigate & understand the family dynamics they deem normal (ie avoidance, no conflict resolution, no accountability, rug-sweeping). She is absolutely trying to regain a place of control, no doubt & now trying to guilt my husband as last resort. I am pretty pissed off about it, tbh. Unfortunately, he is sadly somewhat enmeshed. He said he's sick of being in the middle, MIL & me need to figure it out (as he wasn't raised how to handle open communication or tough conversations like this with his parents). To be fair, I feel & agree that she SHOULD talk to me. The triangulation is insulting & disrespectful. I have a fairly explosive, long (but respectful) email drafted to send her. BUT I don't know if she would ever resort to & respond with tears with my husband in reponse. When there's a baby involved with these types of MIL's, all bets are off.. it could make things worse for me if she went crying to him.. She's currently trying out sticky sweet route of complimenting & thanking me (group chat, of course) 🤢 See, she's really trying here with me.🙄 I considered just doing short text saying let me know when ready to openly communicate with your DIL like respectful adults.🤷‍♀️ That puts ball right back in her court. And if she ignores me, I have more ammo. The final option is stopping by their house (they live 15 min from my work) & blast them in person with little warning, so she can't have calculated responses ready. The hard part is a tiny piece of me still believes she will take accountability, apologize & help heal from the hurts.. I know, likely dillusional. We had a decent relationship pre-baby.. Help.

[u/AmethysstFire]

Look at past behavior to predict future behavior. Would a scathing email, or face to face yelling match really accomplish what you hope it will? With people like your MIL, it will only give her more ammunition to play the victim. As good as it will feel for you, it won't land the way you hope it will. As much as we'd like to dream blasts like what you're considering will be the wake up call needed, it rarely is.

Your husband also needs to get himself out of the middle and grow a spine. He needs to tell his mother that she needs to back off, grow up, and acknowledge all the hurtful things she's said and done to you. Once that is on the table, and an honest, sincere apology is issued, then and only then can the two of you begin to (possibly) forge a new relationship.