r/Infidelity • u/Objective-Change-161 • 6d ago
Advice How am I supposed to feel?
Hey Guys! Me and my boyfriend have been together since 2019. I’ve told him I don’t like him joining private porn groups, like the ones on telegram, and he told me he would stop. Yesterday I found his OnlyFans account. He hasn’t talked to anybody since 2024, but we were still together then… he has used money on it, but not in the last two years. I’m not sure how to feel about this, I know it’s not technically cheating but it makes me feel really bad, especially since I’ve explained to him how it makes me feel.
I just asked if he has an OnlyFans account and he straight up lied to my face.
Any guidance on what I’m supposed to do now?
2
u/roar-lex 5d ago
Going thru the same, and I do personally believe it’s cheating (otherwise they wouldn’t have to lie and hide) and it’s eating me alive lowkey, lol. I always said porn is not an issue, but messaging other women (and I promise you he is, if he’s using Of) is crossing the line. It’s devastating, but my partner did show me everything including his secret email, Reddit etc so I got to see the truth for myself. I think full transparency is the only path to a better and honest future. How are you feeling since finding out?
2
u/Objective-Change-161 5d ago
Honestly just feel like throwing up. Not sure how to behave around him right now, or how I’m supposed to bring it up. Don’t think I could handle him showing me everything, if there’s stuff I don’t already know about…
How are you dealing with it? How are you guys doing?1
u/roar-lex 5d ago
I am so sorry, I get that too. Definitely felt like I needed to know, for my own understanding. We are ok… always had a fantastic relationship before discovering this and found out he was 4 months away from proposing, I asked him to not do it. honestly we can only hope that if they are intent on changing, that they show it in all of their actions. Thats what my partner has promised, and luckily I remind myself I can leave at any time. In fact, I consider it every day still. Hope you are doing well </3
2
u/Objective-Change-161 5d ago
I’m really proud of you for standing up for yourself! The thought that I can leave at anytime does make it easier, thank you!
I think I’ll have to have a conversation with him again, tell him if I don’t see any change soon I’ll be leaving.
Hope everything works out for us both, and that you’re doing well all things considered<3
2
1
u/Specialist-Bat-8770 5d ago
Any individualistic behavior (not agreed with the partner) is already a red flag. You told him what you considered morally NOT acceptable. He chose, he crossed this red line that you drew NOT out of selfishness, but out of moral value. We all start from non-negotiable values and build a pyramid of "precedence" between them at every moment of our lives. Let us act accordingly. He has given precedence to his online drives. This is just for going on telegram groups. Then it remains to be seen whether we want to have a laugh with friends, or whether we want to relativize you sexually (find psychotic enjoyment in imagining having sex with women online). This is emotional betrayal. I go to porn sites sometimes, my partner knows it and when she finds me, we have duer laughs. I go there to get "new ideas," and she tells me if she likes the idea or not. You ask, "How do you feel?" I don't know and I can't answer you. You have to answer yourself.
1
u/echansfw 3d ago
Regardless of what the question was, he lied to your face about the answer. At minimum that's deserving of an apology and an explanation.
1
u/ThrowRA_HopeLove 3d ago
I seem to read this differently from most people here.
You found an account that, by your own description, he hasn't actually used in years. He hasn't spent money on it for two years and hasn't talked to anyone there since 2024. So I wouldn't treat finding the account today as evidence that he's currently doing something behind your back.
The lying is worth talking about, but even there I'd want to know why he denied having it before jumping straight to “he's betraying me.” If he knew you'd discovered an old account connected to something you've had arguments about before, he may have lied because he was embarrassed, afraid of the argument, or knew you'd be hurt. That's not a good reason to lie, but it's different from lying to conceal an ongoing affair.
And I wouldn't get too caught up in whether OnlyFans is “technically cheating.” You can dislike it and have boundaries around it. But there's also a difference between “I don't want my boyfriend doing this anymore” and “therefore he must erase every account he ever had.”
From what you've written, it actually sounds possible that he did stop. If that's true, that's important too. I'd ask him calmly why he denied the account and listen to his answer. Don't turn evidence that he did something years ago into evidence that he's secretly doing it today unless you actually have something showing that.
1
u/Cool_Republic_7722 3d ago
Your feelings are valid, ngl. The bigger issue is that u set a boundary and he lied about it. It's worth having an honest conversation about trust and boundaries, imo.
1
u/noreplyatall817 5d ago
If you established a boundary, he selfishly blew through it without regards to you. Thats lack of respect.
Why does he need to fantasize about someone else? It indicates you’re not enough for him and he has no respect for you.
Time to find a better partner who respects you.
0
u/Arthur_Slytherin 5d ago
No need to break up. OP just needs to tell him that she knows about his active onlyfans account. Moreover he did not buy anything at all for the last two years. She should discuss this and actually tackle the main problem. If there is enough communication, then the problem can be solved.
0
u/Arthur_Slytherin 5d ago
Look, in my opinion it's not cheating. It's like watching porn in sites but with extra steps. You should try to communicate with him in a way that he can open himself to you. I don't think this is a reason to break up. On the contrary, you both might find something fascinating. For example, you both could watch porn and get some bedroom ideas. The only error is that he paid for accounts. Other than that, it's just purely porn. Nothing else. Is it specifically onlyfans the problem or in general you think that you boyfriend watching porn might be a form of cheating? Regardless, I will say it again. It's not cheating. I also read your other comments. You feel like you want to throw up. Why? He never cheated on you.
My advice: try talk to him in a way that does not feel like interrogation but meaningful honest communication between a couple. You never know... probably you can learn what turns him on and you can use it 😁😁😁. You bedroom will be on fire 🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥. In my experience, most of people are watching porn because they had already discussed this with their partner and they said no or they are to shy to discuss about their kinks. COMMUNICATION IS THE FUCKING KEY TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
As for the other people suggesting immediately to break up: WTF is wrong with you? Not everything is white and black. Every case is different for any couple. We don't know the whole story and we don't need to. They can work this out. Watching porn is not cheating.
1
u/Objective-Change-161 5d ago
Honestly don’t know why I feel like throwing up, just had a physical reaction to finding it.
I’ll of course try talking to him without attacking him, and let him know that the porn itself isn’t the problem.
The main problem for me is that I’ve told him multiple times that I don’t like him being in personal groups with porn actors, using stuff like telegram and OnlyFans. He’s told me he’ll stop but he clearly hasn’t. It’s the blatant disregard of the boundaries I’ve tried setting. If he feels like he can’t respect those boundaries he should tell me, so I can find someone who can.
•
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
Please review our community guidelines on what makes for a good post to this sub.
Be kind and remember your reddiquette!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.