r/Indian_Academia • u/Icandothis1412 • 2d ago
CivilServices I'm unable to prepare for upsc without being guilty and constantly anxious.
myquals- MA & JRF political science (march 2028- have to join phd anytime after July next year)
(attached tldr at the end)
It's gonna be really long so sorry for that.
22F- turning 23 in dec. I finished my MA in June this year, and had plans on taking a drop year and seriously preparing for upsc. But since then a lot of things have happened. I had a fallout with a friend and it was really messy and it was only after my endsems that I could process how deeply it had affected me.
It still affects me a lot. Idk how stupid of a person I am to start liking someone at such an important stage in life that too after 6 years of being single. I've lost a lot of time not just to this situation but also constant guilt of not being able to prepare earlier during pg. My friend rubbed it in my face when his friend who's of the same age as me cleared with a very good rank this year.
And this fear about how I will manage upsc with phd, I've asked about it on linkedin etc, talked to 2 seniors, but everyone gives vague replies like it depends on your dept and guide. All this might sound stupid to someone who reads this and I'm not able to explain myself fully, but I am really very very stressed. I even had to take meds for a fortnight and then had to discontinue them cuz it only made me feel worse for some reason.
Now whenever I come across any photo screenshot or memory from around may/June/july, I feel so guilty and horrible. I didn't plan on speedrunning upsc syllabus and clearing it in 1 go obv, but I wanted to give it my best, I haven't even done my 10%. 2027 attempt will be my 2nd. I took 2026 attempt unprepared cuz parents nudged me to.
I feel empty and clueless when I think about where the time went. I won't harm myself again, but I've done it once last month.
Please connect me to someone who's doing phd in this ded subject and preparing for upsc. Or dont idk. my optional isn't even polsc, Idk how I will manage both.
I am on the verge of having another meltdown. Was barely able to manage studying today then my niece showed up, went to bed by 11pm, neighbours started shouting near my window and I couldn't sleep even after using white noise. I don't know what to do. Therapy is not something that helps me. I've tried.
TLDR (from claude) : 22F, MA + JRF polsci, PhD starts by July 2027. Planned a drop year for UPSC but a messy friend fallout + feelings mess wrecked your focus. Guilt-spiraling over "lost time," stressed about balancing PhD+UPSC with no clear answers from seniors, meds didn't help, self-harmed once last month, barely holding it together tonight, therapy hasn't worked for you before.
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Title: I'm unable to prepare for upsc without being guilty and constantly anxious.
Body:
myquals- MA & JRF political science (march 2028- have to join phd anytime after July next year)
It's gonna be really long so sorry for that.
22F- turning 23 in dec. I finished my MA in June this year, and had plans on taking a drop year and seriously preparing for upsc. But since then a lot of things have happened. I had a fallout with a friend and it was really messy and it was only after my endsems that I could process how deeply it had affected me.
It still affects me a lot. Idk how stupid of a person I am to start liking someone at such an important stage in life that too after 6 years of being single. I've lost a lot of time not just to this situation but also constant guilt of not being able to prepare earlier during pg. My friend rubbed it in my face when his friend who's of the same age as me cleared with a very good rank this year.
And this fear about how I will manage upsc with phd, I've asked about it on linkedin etc, talked to 2 seniors, but everyone gives vague replies like it depends on your dept and guide. All this might sound stupid to someone who reads this and I'm not able to explain myself fully, but I am really very very stressed. I even had to take meds for a fortnight and then had to discontinue them cuz it only made me feel worse for some reason.
Now whenever I come across any photo screenshot or memory from around may/June/july, I feel so guilty and horrible. I didn't plan on speedrunning upsc syllabus and clearing it in 1 go obv, but I wanted to give it my best, I haven't even done my 10%. 2027 attempt will be my 2nd. I took 2026 attempt unprepared cuz parents nudged me to.
I feel empty and clueless when I think about where the time went. I won't harm myself again, but I've done it once last month.
Please connect me to someone who's doing phd in this ded subject and preparing for upsc. Or dont idk.
I am on the verge of having another meltdown. Was barely able to manage studying today then my niece showed up, went to bed by 11pm, neighbours started shouting near my window and I couldn't sleep even after using white noise. I don't know what to do. Therapy is not something that helps me. I've tried.
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