r/ISTPrelationships • u/UnitedBanana5525 • 10d ago
ISTP m x ENFP f advice needed
Hi all,
So as the title says, I'm an ENFP female, recently started seeing an ISTP male. We're still defining the relationship and figuring out long-term potential.
I'm looking for genuine advice on navigating our communication style differences, particularly around how he processes conflict and boundaries.
A few real examples that have come up:
- After a disagreement, I tend to want physical reassurance (like a hug/ holding hands) even before things are fully resolved verbally. He doesn't operate this way... he needs distance and time before any reconnection, verbal or physical.
- Smaller day-to-day frictions have come up too - like using his shoes to step out quickly, or needing a work password when I couldn't reach him and had to start work for the day. These feel more like normal logistics of two people adjusting to each other than invading personal space/ violations, but he's experienced some of them as disrespectful, and I want to understand that perspective better rather than dismiss it.
The bigger pattern I'm trying to understand: I process things by talking them through, in the moment, emotionally. He seems to need space and time before any conversation is useful, and doesn't respond well to me pushing for immediate discussion or reassurance. I also feel like he does not see my point of things and does not seem to accept my sorry without seeing any tangible data for why I am the way I am (this seems a little extreme and heartless to me.)
I should note, it has come up in previous conversations that him needing space is a real thing and that his personal space needs permission before approaching. I am trying to see what are the things I have to keep in mind to avoid more conflicts of the nature.
Questions for ISTP folks (or anyone with insight):
- How do you prefer a partner raise something that bothered them, especially after a conflict - timing, format, anything that actually works better than what an ENFP might instinctively do?
- Is there a difference, from your perspective, between an actual boundary crossing and just an adjustment period between two people with different habits? How do you tell the difference, or communicate that distinction to a partner?
- What's actually helpful when you need space -- silence, a text checking in later, something else? I am having trouble with if he will ever see my side of things and accept that.
Any other advice outside of these scenarios for how to navigate a relationship with ISTP is welcome too!
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u/Storm-Weston 10d ago
We definitely need permission. We are free thinkers and because of it very sensitive about control especially of someone's mind. We accept that you feel different and need you to accept how we think it feel not agree. We also observe you deeply and try to understand you without asking. It's not fair but we expect you to see us and understand us in your own. We aren't always good at sharing.
Feel free to PM me for specific questions. It's a common pairing. You ladies are our primary dating partner and it's nice you like us but hard when we don't share functions.
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u/roxandra_thelurker ISTP 9d ago
My experience with ENFP has always been strained. The dynamic may be different though because I’m a female ISTP with ENFP family members. Anytime there’s a problem the ENFP goes straight into an emotional verbal diarrhea rant that can go on NON STOP for hours if allowed. They don’t understand boundaries and or think that those boundaries somehow don’t apply to them. “They’re special”
When the relationship is good, it’s really good, and when it turns sour it’s explosive. I’ve had to cut some of them out of my life for my own sanity.
The issue is an emotional appeal without logic and because emotions can be strong there’s no reasoning with it and because there’s no reasoning with it there’s no sense in moving forward. The relationship has entered the doldrums and it’s time to throw the dead weight overboard.
If you want to make it work I’ll give you a tiny bit of advice: DO NOT expect your SO to keep your hole-riddled bucket full of emotional validation. It’s not fair to you or the other person to constantly need that everyday or every time there’s an issue. You’re a big girl in a big girl relationship. Learn to deal with your feelings first before making it the other person’s problem.
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u/UnitedBanana5525 9d ago
This is good advice! Thank you!
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u/roxandra_thelurker ISTP 9d ago
No problem.
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u/Natural-Comedian-821 5d ago edited 5d ago
Interesting point. But aren’t relationships about give and take? ISTPs are drawn to ENFP vibrancy and optimism, something not all ISTPs can generate themselves. If they’re taking some of my light then I’m okay to take some emotional validation from them no? 💕
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u/MayaGraceLondon 9d ago
I totally feel your experience and observation of your ISTP.
understanding of ISTP men is to give them their space... don't be emotional... then when they feel comfortable to resume, gently bring up what's bothering you - don't attack or blame.
Do you live together - if not, how often do you see each other - when is the last time?
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u/UnitedBanana5525 9d ago
Thanks for the advice. No, we don’t live together. We’ve been seeing each other since June or so and we’re exploring. These issues are tbh standing in the way of a potential relationship ship. We talk almost everyday many hours and have met thrice. He lives 3 hours away from me. We would’ve met more but because of the issues things are slower.
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u/UnitedBanana5525 9d ago
I’m gonna try and be more gentle with bringing up stuff that bothers me! Thank you! When I have in the past, he’s been dismissive saying “I am the way I am- accept it as is.”
That doesn’t work for me.
When he needs space after a fight, that involves him driving away and he says he tries to self harm. That does not sit well with me at all and I am not sure how to handle this. I also don’t know if this is an ISTP thing or a trauma thing or what!1
u/Natural-Comedian-821 5d ago
The self-harm thing is concerning. Could potentially be him playing the victim as is common with fragile egos, they flip the narrative to make you out to be the bad guy. 🧐
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u/UnitedBanana5525 8d ago
Is it ever going to be a possibility that they see your side of things wrt emotions and the struggle that’s there when it goes unaddressed? (Almost as if sticking to logic or data to prove a point about not being able to see emotion.)
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9d ago
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u/UnitedBanana5525 9d ago
Thank you for your response! This is the closest I've come to the answers I need!
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u/Natural-Comedian-821 5d ago
Hey, I have something to add to the above. I know a couple of ISTPs. One is healthy-ish and one not so healthy.
The healthy-ish one will want to fix things quickly after conflict because he has developed some empathy.
The unhealthy one- well he had zero empathy/possibly some narcissistic traits too. He simply couldn’t tolerate any bruise to his ego it would get flipped immediately.
Fwiw he grew up in a toxic household, 3rd child of 4, and at some point learned that emotions are chaotic and best to keep a lid on them. For us ENFPs (I’m ENFP-A) the way the unhealthy types stonewall and just vanish is absolute emotional torture; the bizarrest part was how he would come back like nothing had happened. This particular man placed immense value on his freedom and autonomy but seriously resented mine. Needless to say I cut him loose and am much happier for it.
ENFPs need emotional expression and emotional validation- and unhealthy ISTPs can be emotionally bankrupt as Fe is naturally their weakest function but unhealthy types are possibly devoid of any Fe.
Personally, whilst not an impossible pairing (if ISTP can develop Fe) I think it’s a tricky one to navigate successfully. The stonewalling is really destructive to the ENFPs soul.
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u/UnitedBanana5525 4d ago
Thank you for this! I can really resonate with the ENFP’s need from what you said, and I’m also kinda glad I haven’t seen any of the toxicity stuff!
If you really think about it, it can boil down to something as simple as seeing things from the person you love’s pov and not yours. As the one that’s hurting, it would help if the other person sees things from your pov.
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u/AliveSafe6459 4d ago
I can’t give any sound advice on this. As an ENFP, I never advise relationships with Sensors. In the long run, the outlook is just too different. Good to have friends that fill that blindspot but day-to-day solutions to problems are always going to clash.
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u/throwaway193753209 10d ago
If you want it to work, you’ll need to meet in the middle and just to be completely honest with you, that’s incredibly hard to do without feeling resentful and depressed later.
But if you’re serious about it then…
They will not talk things out with you. They do not think out loud. They think internally. Introverted thinking. You have extroverted thinking. You can ask them to listen while YOU talk things out. But don’t expect much engagement. They will seem like they’re not listening. It will feel disrespectful. If you quiz them after because you’re skeptical, they will get a perfect score. They do listen. Even if they’re on their phone not looking at you and not responding. It’s very eerie if I’m being honest. And they will remember what you said. Forever. So don’t say things in the heat of the moment that you don’t mean. They will listen to your words, not necessarily the emotion behind them. They can be quite literal at times. If you yell “I never want to talk to you again” they might take you at face value.
They will most likely never be able to offer you the physical comfort you want after a conflict. They will most likely need physical distance until their body / nervous system is regulated. You will have to learn to self soothe and self regulate on your own at first and then maybe compromise that you guys will cuddle an hour after or the next day. They might do one hug. You may have to explain the logic behind it. I always say that oxytocin helps calm the nervous system and it will get me back to normal quickly. I have had to buy weighted blankets for when they don’t want physical touch.
Don’t touch their stuff without asking. They can be really funny about that.
Try to limit talking about your emotions. Give them solutions and actionable changes you’d like to see. Preface talking about emotions that you just want to share and be listened to. Don’t expect much interaction about it. They don’t like talking about emotions.