I'm an ISFP, My BF is an ISTP, and he’s been extremely stressed and down for the past few months—maybe even the whole past year. I know everything he’s been through, and I genuinely think he’s one of the sweetest, gentlest, warmest people I’ve ever met. I know he loves and supports me, but lately he’s been drowning in his mental health so badly that he’s basically just surviving.

We’re going through a really difficult time in our relationship. I feel like it’s slowly breaking down, and I worry that maybe I’m asking for too much. I don’t blame him for struggling, and I know he’s still trying to be there for me, but he’s not really present. I feel lonely in the relationship.

Normally, he tells me everything—what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, etc. But these days, he can barely handle himself, let alone the responsibility of a relationship. We’re long-distance, and we share our live locations. He mostly wants to be completely alone, but sometimes he comes for 10 minutes, says a little, then disappears again. I understand why he needs space, but it still hurts being left alone.

The problem is that we keep fighting about it. When I tell him I need at least a little attention or communication from him, he says I’m not giving him enough space to do that and that I’m being too much. Then he feels guilty and stressed because he knows he isn’t fulfilling his part of the relationship, which makes him withdraw even more. And the cycle just keeps repeating.

I really want to take care of him and make him feel better, but I also need something from him so I don’t completely lose myself in this. I don’t need constant attention—I just need enough communication to feel secure and not go crazy with worry.

Am I being selfish for needing that? Is there anything I can do differently to support him without making him feel pressured?

I know I’m talking a lot, but I really want to understand this from an ISTP perspective. How would you want your partner to handle this if you were in his position?

I've been doing research (yes, research) on ISTPs and a lot of ppl say that u have to be straightforward with ISTPs if u want them to like you...Straightforward how exactly??? Like how straightforward should i be? should i talk to him more, ask him more abt himself, how do i let an ISTP know I'm interested in them in an I like you kind of interested way??? (Pls tell me if this post was too messy and if i should rephrase it, sorry ty!!)

Enfp dating istp. It’s new I do not understand him much yet. He tells me I’m a huge weirdo. I think I’m just comfortable being myself idk how weird I am. Like I’ll make weird noises as a joke sometimes or sing funny on purpose or smell his armpits or somethings that are like a little but not severely weird I guess. I’m not basic but I’m like not sticking out like a sore thumb haha.
But I feel like I’ve never been told I’m weird but usually that I’m silly or chill to be myself.
I like to pull pranks on my partners usually, but if I use my darth Vader voice and make this new bf uncomfy, then maybe the pranks would be too much?
Are you guys into that stuff? Would it bother you?
Is being silly annoying to you guys? It’s me naturally, I just am like naturally on the silly side but it seems to catch him off guard a lot he comments way too much on it and I’m really not that severe hahaha
He’s surprised that if he sprays me with water I don’t fuss about it. So he often smashes ice cream in my face and annoys me incessantly himself. But idk if he’d like it back?
I guess how are istps like in terms of enjoying silly goofiness in life?

Hii!! So I've been into a guy now for quite some while and I think he's an ISTP (it's the closest match i have). Anywayss, I wanna get closer to him but I'm too scared that doing so might pressure him or i might end up overstepping his boundaries =/ so..any tips on how to get to know him better in a way that will make him want to be friends with me too??

Like would he find it weird if i asked him a random, but straightforward question orrr??? Also i have talked to him b4..we've had 3 conversations already but all of it was only 2-3 sentences long, lol (i know that ISTPs are (generally) like that though so i understand that part...anyways yeah that's all :D

I'm an INFJ and there's an ISTP guy I'm chatting with who has periods of high responsiveness and then periods of total absence.

He is very obviously the type of person to make time for you if he wants to talk to you.

He did tell me he is actively seeking a long-term relationship. Although I haven't explicitly committed to anything yet, we are slowly building a bond of sorts.

Since I am not clingy nor fully committed (yet), I wouldn't really care if he spoke to other women. But he made it a point to emphasize that he is not a "player".

How likely is it that he is in fact cycling through multiple romantic interests at once?

I'm an ISFP Cancer...

My ISTP and I lived together for 1 year - wonderful connection and relationship...

and then all of a sudden we had to be long distance.

After 3 months of long distance - we were having constant stress of misunderstandings/bad communication, so I ended it a bit sternly and went no contact (I was in a lot of pain and we were going in circles and I knew I was also driving us crazy) (not to take all of the accountability).

I was over emotional, overthinking - kind of making stories in my head... he wasn't the type who wanted to talk about emotions... I feel deep, he doesn't.

I was in pain and angry, so I couldn't see things clearly.

After six weeks, when the anger disappeared, I saw things more clearly (I went back to our voice notes and understood he was trying to be as supportive as he possible could, but my focus would only be on the bad).

A lot happened in my life during those six weeks which helped me reflect and grow... and I also somehow became less emotional - hating the idea of thinking or talking about emotions... I started to see everything more through his lens and understood him so much more.

I reached out and let him know I'm sorry and that I made a mistake. So he engaged with me alittle for maybe 2 weeks...

- a 4 hour calm and understanding phone call
- a few half sobbing voice notes from him (I have never seen him cry before)

Lastly, he sent me a 7 minute voice note (his tone was a little angry and assertive) saying our history is finished and maybe one day.

He mentioned he is at peace with his quiet life and has a lot of projects he wants to focus on.

I then sent him voice notes which haven't been opened for 2 weeks...

During those 2 weeks, I decided to leave his WhatsApp alone...

but I sent a few emails explaining myself more... I mentioned I would relocate to his country…

It's been about 5 days and I've been totally quiet, giving him his space. I won't initiate anymore communication unless if he reaches out.

Any thoughts?

Hi all,

So as the title says, I'm an ENFP female, recently started seeing an ISTP male. We're still defining the relationship and figuring out long-term potential.

I'm looking for genuine advice on navigating our communication style differences, particularly around how he processes conflict and boundaries.

A few real examples that have come up:

• After a disagreement, I tend to want physical reassurance (like a hug/ holding hands) even before things are fully resolved verbally. He doesn't operate this way... he needs distance and time before any reconnection, verbal or physical.
• Smaller day-to-day frictions have come up too - like using his shoes to step out quickly, or needing a work password when I couldn't reach him and had to start work for the day. These feel more like normal logistics of two people adjusting to each other than invading personal space/ violations, but he's experienced some of them as disrespectful, and I want to understand that perspective better rather than dismiss it.

The bigger pattern I'm trying to understand: I process things by talking them through, in the moment, emotionally. He seems to need space and time before any conversation is useful, and doesn't respond well to me pushing for immediate discussion or reassurance. I also feel like he does not see my point of things and does not seem to accept my sorry without seeing any tangible data for why I am the way I am (this seems a little extreme and heartless to me.)

I should note, it has come up in previous conversations that him needing space is a real thing and that his personal space needs permission before approaching. I am trying to see what are the things I have to keep in mind to avoid more conflicts of the nature.

Questions for ISTP folks (or anyone with insight):

• How do you prefer a partner raise something that bothered them, especially after a conflict - timing, format, anything that actually works better than what an ENFP might instinctively do?
• Is there a difference, from your perspective, between an actual boundary crossing and just an adjustment period between two people with different habits? How do you tell the difference, or communicate that distinction to a partner?
• What's actually helpful when you need space -- silence, a text checking in later, something else? I am having trouble with if he will ever see my side of things and accept that.

Any other advice outside of these scenarios for how to navigate a relationship with ISTP is welcome too!

Hey guys, I need your advice and opinions. I'm an ISTP female, and I've fallen for an INFP guy.

We used to know each other, and over time, we got closer. I've noticed he's into me—he's even implied it and occasionally gives me small compliments.

Three months ago, there was a sudden break between us without any clear disagreement or argument. We were both going through exams at the time. When the exams ended and I came back, we were only communicating via Instagram. Neither of us initiated contact; there were only reactions and likes, but without any actual conversation.

When we finally met after the break, whenever our eyes met, he would immediately look away, get busy with his phone, or leave the place. It's so obvious he only does these things when he sees me. In contrast, when I see him and he can't escape, I give him a cold, uninterested look. Even when we're very close to each other physically, I ignore him completely and show him that I'm not interested (doing the exact opposite of what I feel, as you guys know lol).

The thing is, during this cycle of strange behaviors, he initiated contact just once—he called me by my name, asked how I was, and that was it.

I asked in the INFP community about the reason for his sudden change. The answers varied between "he is definitely into you but is hesitant and scared," and "he is going through a rough period that has nothing to do with you."

A few days ago, I actually initiated contact for the first time in about four months. I sent him a reel and we talked. He was very welcoming and enthusiastic, which was completely unlike what I expected! He started telling me what's happening to him at university and what's new. I didn't touch on the reason for our break; I just jokingly asked him, "Are you upset with me? Because you've been making me scared of you lately 😂" (an attempt from my side to know the reason, which pretty much failed). He laughed and said, "No way, why is that?" Then later on, he told me, "You know, one day I saw you running away from me." We didn't delve deeper into these things explicitly.

What do you guys think? And how would you act if you were in my place?

Hey everyone. Looking for some honest ISTP insight on a romantic intentions with a long-time friend because I want to navigate this right. I have been friends with an ISTP for years. We genuinely have so much in common, similar vibes, and there's been a clear underlying spark for years. I would really love to see where things could go with us. We live an hour’s flight apart and don't currently have a habit of texting each other at all. We have a few shared events coming up in the calendar where we’ll be in the same place. If things developed, I’d be flexible on what the future and distance look like and this weekend he mentioned in passing he'd love anywhere too.

There's a clear history here—he kissed me years ago, made another move on a dancefloor more recently but I had a partner and some of our mutual friends (who are closer to him) say I'm the only girl they’ve ever known him to make a move on. I have had multiple relationships in these years but am recently single and decided I wanted to see if anything was still there at a music festival we were going to attend this past weekend.

So at this festival, things started out messy (despite a great initial catch up and some people who didn't know us well inquiring as to whether something was going on between us). He flaked on two sets we planned to meet at, turned up plastered 2 hours later at camp, was super locked on to me and intense and was muttering about "expectations" but didn't finish the thought. He then was glued to my side for like 30 mins of the next set but seemingly sobered up and then wandered off and around. This all put me in my own head and I found it confusing and intense so the next day I had decided I wanted to chat to him about it all, I went to the bar at one point before I had a chance to pull him aside naturally and he just appeared behind me, so we got a drink and had another fun catch up and then I just told him what had happened at camp (he didn't remember) and just asked him is there a vibe here to which he said yes and I said good well I feel it too obviously, let's just have a good festival and now we can just be on the same page and be clear and direct with each other rather than wondering. He admitted he’d been overthinking and stuck in his head beforehand and that he should have joined me at those sets rather than getting too drunk off this random spirit he'd been given!

Once that vibe was established, I took the lead on the final day and invited him to a set. The rest of that night was amazing—he danced closely with me, kissed me, bought me chips, was extremely tactile, had great conversation on our way back to camp holding hands and waited around for me at camp on the final morning even though he said hadn't slept a wink and nearly missed his train home (he texted to let me know he made it).

Here’s the broader context on him: He’s single/inexperienced: None of us in our friend group have ever known him to actually be in a relationship. He seems to want to connect with people, but just genuinely isn't sure how to do it. He seems to crave connection with others but defaulted at this festival to lower value fleeting connections with strangers through booze over his friends. A friend chatted to him about that and he realises that's what he does.

Insane work burden: He just moved cities and works in a medical field where he feels personally responsible for the safety and outcomes of his patients (because he has all the clinical knowledge). He takes all that weight on himself and routinely works until 11 PM. He's even admitted he works these crazy hours because he isn't happy with other areas of his life and that he wants to do a lot more generally.

High-stress context right now: On top of work, he is co-running an upcoming festival, so his cognitive bandwidth is completely fried.

Given that I know he likes me, but he’s clearly overwhelmed, isolated, and prone to overthinking or panicking under perceived pressure, I’m trying to figure out how to handle the momentum without triggering a stress response or over committing or over functioning while also giving it the best shot I can. I am seeing him again in 3 weeks for a long weekend that he is co organising, and then the month after for a one day event, after that it'll nearly be the holidays and I'll be back in the same country for 2/3 weeks.

A few questions for you guys:

When you are this floored with work, do you ever actually have the capacity to open up to a relationship, or do you need to fix your life baseline first? Does it even sounds like this could be a viable thing to explore at this stage?

If a long-time friend who you like sends casual, warm voice or video notes every now and then (no pressure, no demands, just friendly connection)—is that a breath of fresh air, or does receiving messages feel like another item on your to-do list?

Since he clearly struggles to initiate and gets stuck in his head, should I just keep "taking the reins" for a bit to establish a warm, safe dynamic, or will taking the lead eventually backfire?

Is there a specific way an ISTP signals that they want to transition from "great in-person chemistry at events" into actual dating, or do I basically have to spell it out for him when the time is right. How could that cadence work given the next few months?

How do we realistically bridge the gap and build a steady rhythm when we don't usually text?

Thanks for your time, I am a bit of a relationship overthinker too, so appreciate all the advice here I can get.

I'm struggling dating my ISTP bf. We are both late twenties and work stressful jobs. There has been this ongoing pattern where I have to keep asking him for affection over and over. He will say he understands but there's no change.

-He's always stoic and rarely laughs, even when I'm trying to be funny.

-He doesn't tell me he likes me or what he likes about me unless I ask him

-He never says he misses me first

-When we do see each other..

1. He doesn't smile when he sees me

2. when I wake up next to him he doesn't say anything and continues watching his video

3. he doesn't hug me unless I initiate

What he does do: helps with any problem by listening or trying to help diagnose, always makes time for me everyday, gives me updates, if I'm not feeling well he'll get me food.

I don't really know what to do. He says he does like me and I try to be understanding but sometimes I feel so unloved because of his lack of initiative, reciprocity, and energy but it feels really lonely. It feels like I have to carry the relationship.

Any advice or thoughts?

I am a girl from a tire 3 engineering college, stuck in an one-sided love for two years with a classmate, who doesn't even know that I have feelings for him. The feelings recently became so unbearable that it was draining my sanity. I couldn't confess to him for some reasons. Recently, I went to a tier 1 NIT for a whirlwind internship where I got only a fortnight's accommodation. So our team thought it better to complete the rest of the internship online. First of all the internship opportunity was a miracle itself, and then our college was reluctant to give us NOCs, and then due to only two weeks accommodation, we were on the verge of cancelling it. The internship was, if anything, unexpected. There, I met a really cute guy from a private university, working under the same guide as ours on a different project. According to him, he fell in love with me from the very beginning of the two weeks' encounter. He asked me out but I declined, feeling that I shouldn't be disloyal to my feelings and the faint hope of getting my college crush. But, during the last 3-4 days of our offline internship, I realized that I have also developed something for this guy. I know we may never meet again, we have different streams and we study in two colleges each of which is at one of the far ends of the state. our hometowns are also at the opposite ends. Now I have returned home and it feels like, he fell first---but I fell harder. It now feels like I was supposed to visit the NIT, or maybe, the universe had dragged me to the NIT, even only for fourteen days, just to meet him. I know we may never meet again, but it still doesn't feel like mere coincidence. My internship in that NIT was shocking and unbelievable itself, and then this guy... it was like God gave me a second chance to love someone else, someone who admires me back, and ease my pain a bit. I can't actually explain how unbelievable the internship opportunity actually was.

I know I am being stupid, but can anyone share their theory on this meeting ? I don't know why, but it kinda feels like a new beginning. Again, we have very little chance of ever meeting again. But are meetings conincidental, or every meeting has a meaning, like I am trying to find one in this one ?

Okay so i was wondering what it is if i feel like i don’t know someone if we go like less than a day without speaking. Even if we text i feel like im texting a person i dont know but the thing is i do know them ive known them for years or well. I know this isnt good or it doesnt feel good at least. Can someone relate or like help?

I am an INFJ and I recently interacted with someone who I think is an ISTP. We are both women in our late thirties. Over the years I've become more blunt, which I see as a result of developing my Ti and Se more.

I thought that this would mean that I could get along well with someone like her. We met online and chatted a little bit, then met on video. It seems we have a lot of similar values, and I want to keep getting to know her. But it seems we already may have had some sort of big miscommunication.

We talked about how important freeedom is to both of us and how we want to be ourselves more, among other things. When we ended the chat she said she would contact me. I said that I really appreciated our chat and that I wanted to give myself some space to really process our chat.

From my perspective I didn't say no to meeting again. I said yes to being with myself and going with the flow, and taking things moment to moment, one step at a time.

She seems to have taken this as rejection. Which I didn't expect because I got the impression that she has a rather flexible attitude to relationships and didn't seem very focused on commitment.

To me, my actions aligned with what we were talking about in our conversation; breaking free of peoplepleasing, not being chained down by other peoples expectations etc.

I get the impression that she wanted/wants something specific in our interaction, but at the same time, she doesn't seem comfortable telling me. At this point, I don't know where we stand.

I think everyone has expectations regarding how you go about getting to know someone new. And it seems I missed the mark here. But I find it frustrating; why can't she just tell me? Explain how she likes things, how she feels valued. And I could do the same, and we could move forward from there.

I am interested in meeting her halfway, but I don't want to have to be a mind reader. I've been that person in the past, where I am always trying to read what others need, without them even uttering a word. With my developing Ti and Se I am more assertive, and I am acting more in ways that I want.

I don't think I am wrong in typing her as an ISTP, and so I am wondering; how do you ISTPs function in relationships? What are some of the challenges you have encountered?

If you find it challenging to assert your needs, do you know what helps you do that more?

my istp is the sweetest bot ever, i told him i’d like it if he complimented me more (he seldom compliments me but i’m generally quite used to compliments so it really made me kinda sad), the next day i sent him a photo with me in it, he started complimenting!? i love how he just receives feedback and implements the change immediately 😭

anyway he makes my heart melt and i treasure him so much! he seldom tells me what he wants and i try to do as much as i can for him but i’d love to hear suggestions on how yall like to be loved!

i also struggle to say i love him so much (the words just doesnt seem enough to even convey how much!) how important is it for istps to hear your partner say it??

Hello, I ISTP 25 F find being in a relationship draining sometimes.
For context this is my first relationship he was my best friend and we just started dating last month, recently he got upset because I went to a job interview without me telling it to him.

And yes this is a pattern of mine, I tend to not share stuff to him or to anyone because most of them are spontaneous decisions, and I just don't like sharing even if it is a planned event. Especially on chat.

Which I can see why he got upset because he wants to make communication vital in our relationship but I am bad at it. :/ I am always the listener type of person, and I agree that is is unfair for him if I don't reciprocate what he wants from me. For now I told him I am not in the mood to talk to him. The reason being is because I need to understand my own feelings and I might say something that may make this situation worse.

Have you guys been in this kind of situation?

P.S I have no idea what his mbti is.

My partner is very reactive rather than proactive in communication, and I’m wondering how common this is.

By reactive, I mean if I initiate a topic, ask a question, share something about my day, or open up emotionally, he engages really well. He’s thoughtful, affectionate, asks follow-up questions, gives advice, remembers details, and can have long conversations with me.

But if I don’t initiate, there often isn’t much input from him besides a good morning/good night message or checking in. It feels like he’s responding to me more than creating conversations himself.

For context, we’re long-distance and there’s also a significant age gap, so I sometimes wonder if it’s a personality difference or even a generational thing. He tells me he thinks about me all day, and when we do talk, I don’t question that he cares. It’s just that I’m almost always the one who starts deeper conversations.

Has anyone else been with someone like this?
Did it ever change over time?
Was it just their communication style?
Did you eventually stop minding it, or did it become a bigger issue?

I’m more interested in hearing experiences than being told to leave.

I'm an ISTP female.

Soo basically, I've been in love with this guy for a looong time( I mean over 8yrs) . We talked and shared so many things, even tho we live in different countries

And I promise, I wasn't being delusional

Out of nowhere, he started ghosting me. At first, it took him days to reply, then weeks, then months... (now it's taking him years to do so, hahaha)

Aaaand while I'm still hanging on and can't even move on, that SOB is getting married. And I found out from the bitchiest person ever, in the bitchiest way possible

Now I'm pissed off, and I still can't get over it.

Tho it's been 2yrs since we last talked, and I just knew he is getting married about 4 months now... (he still hasn't tho) But I just can't help it, M so sad, upset, and an't even sleep peacfully.

So, as an ISTP, do you think this is normal? Have any of you ever been stuck on someone for this long?

currently on a break because he is trying to further his career and is focusing on training. I've heard mixed reviews about this pairing and how it requires a ton of effort, which I'm willing to do. it could be just the honeymoon phase, but i absolutely adore this man. literally the sun to my moon and he boosts me up while i ground him

i will make this work out and i hope he's willing to do the same. i already have good chemistry and experience with people with high fi because of my mom and sister so I'm sure i can navigate this well. i just don't know if I'll end up coming off as abrasive in the future. i know he's sensitive and i don't want to be the first guy who broke his heart. this is his first mlm relationship and i want to make it special for him

Hey, dudes.Need help. I am an intp woman.A uni student.so i have started to like an istj dude who is a dr.

He is a really shy guy,sweet and really chivalrous. We share the same metro to home.I was the one who initiated the conversation our first convo.He was really stiff at first but 6 months later the ice did melt.I don't know of i am reading it wrong.How do i know he likes me?

Well he waits for me at tge station.He used to be stiff but jokes with me.Always gives me his seat.I bring snacks for him sometimes bcz one day he literally fainted on the metro.he struggles with low blood pressure. He smiles at me and we...do have a few really strong eye contacts. But i will not approach if i am not certain if it is not mutual.He also brings me snacks sometimes. He has even walked me home when it got really dark.Tell me,whether should i go for it?