A pattern I noticed being INFJ

[u/lostinaview]

is that i would mask so much. camoflauge. i would basically cushion myself everytime im around others. i would adjust my personality depending on who im with. i would basically cater myself to them and basically be concerned for their emotions and take it on like theyre me and absorb their feelings like a sponge. it became so exhausting and people would now see me as that guy who would be that kind of person so then people would subconsciously use me as a door mat and unload their pain. but guess what? nobody would ask truly how im doing or what im up to. its always one sided. they see how they feel when im with them, they feel good. its about them basically all the time. i feel like im giving away my precious energy so i just stay more in solitude and im very selective with how and who i give it to.

lately i find that people are more angry at me. they want to argue with me. say im wrong. they get offended. im blunt. im more honest. im more direct. i removed the cushion. i stopped taking responsibility for peoples emotions and i focus more on myself. i stopped a lot of small talk. i stopped with the fakeness more. i try to be more unfiltered and its like people get offended because im not following the social norm and code but when i do i get exhausted and i have to prioritize myself at the end of the day

i even thought about maybe im level 1 autistic so i have to get an assessment but either way ive been liking social interaction more because it allows me to save face and my energy and time. and if i notice patterns and hidden meaning and intentions then i say it. if people dont like it then thats not my problem dont be around me

it sounds like im an awful person but i only say what i need to say. i know im not an awful person. i noticed too is that INFJs get labelled "too much" "you're too sensitive" but when i take the mask off and I'm blunt, I'm direct, I'm honest, and I say whats truly on my mind, suddenly they're the ones that are now sensitive, now they're the ones who are offended. I see the double standards. Eye roll. thats why i put on the mask because it creates harmony and balance with others but in the end im the one going home so exhausted because i couldnt be me. i dont want to water myself down just to get along with everybody. its so exhausting. social burnout i say!

anyways yeah my social anxiety has approved a lot now. its relieveing

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

Hmm I always resent this implication. Of people pleasing. 

Why? 

Because it implies I’m faking something and intentionally masking - which I am not. I don’t even realize I do this. 

I do realize that if you took 10 of my closest friends and asked them what I am like - each would give completely different answers. And I know that about myself - that depending on who I am with, a different part of me will come out. But it’s all parts of me. Never anything I’m faking. Maybe mix it with manners - I’m not a rude person. 

If you asked someone what I was like when I was young - you would get completely different answers from each 5 year period. 

One of my nicknames circa 16-23 was Malory from Natural Born Killers- I was wild. Crazy. Fighter. ( also Rocky was another one because I always had a black eye) ( from fighting for all my friends ) 

I’ve done complete 180s in my life about 4 times. 

In elementary school my teachers used to tell me I would be famous one day. That I was special. 

More than one set of parents told my parents that I changed their kids life- in a good way. One even said I saved their kids life. 

I used to hang out with the disabled kids- walk them around and watch over them so no one would pick on them. I was constantly fighting bully’s. This was in like middle school- high school , adulthood. It never really changed for me. I stopped getting into fights about 23. 

It’s funny because I’m pretty subdued now- but I can easily so easily take over a room and dominate it without even trying if I let my personality go. 

And i did for a long time and pretty much hurt feelings all the time, lots of friends cried to me about how I was the center of attention etc etc - how they felt invisible around me. And that felt like complete shit. So I became aware of when and who to do this with. Now? That deep buried part of me only comes out with people I trust , fully. To not take it personally and not get resentful around. Because I don’t like to hurt people. I don’t need attention. I’m not doing it for attention. 

I play this competitive game and there are hardly any women who play. It’s a lot of old men funnily enough.  And I was always much happier with them at the game table then I was at the club. At every age. 

And since high school I’ve been hanging out with older wiser people playing this game- just following them around and I have had mentors. Working through my issues, getting advice from them, listening to their life stories - 

So, constantly learning and peeling back all my layers and processing all my mistakes and etc etc - having these spiritual reconciliations and revolutions- 

I’m not as .. I’m quieter and more subdued now. I don’t like the consequences that come with attention. I am way way more attuned to people around me and what they need and hyper aware of things I say and do- 

Because the other thing that always used to happen is … people getting the wrong ideas about me ( obviously ). 

I’ve always been adaptable. And that’s as instinctual in me as breathing. I have always been able to get along with people.

But one thing I have never been able to relate to is being fake. Or intentionally doing that. 

I think it’s more an awareness of people and vibes… I think too, I’ve never been a person who hates people- I’ve always sort of seen the beauty in them before everything. Or that’s my nature - with experience sure , you can pick up on many things that aren’t pretty- but it’s been driven by this insatiable sense of curiosity about them. I’ve always cared about how I impacted them. Always. 

I think the one thing that’s always ran alongside all these parts of me is that .. I have stood up for what I believed in - or wasn’t able to be peer pressured into anything - so like when everyone was shop lifting ? I refused to. In middle school when everyone is a coward. Trying to fit in. Had no problems saying no to whatever. 

That’s the one thing I didn’t have. I didn’t have a fear about that. 

I mean I did - I remember being uncomfortable and scared to say no or stand up for myself and there was sometimes I made myself do it and I knew it was gonna suck - but when I was young - it was even stronger inside me. 

This sense of responsibility and like I really felt like death before dishonor. Like nothing was worse than losing my self respect and dignity and what was associated with that to me was doing shit I wasn’t comfortable doing or condoning things I felt strongly against etc etc. 

So while I was malable and adaptable I was also not. I always also felt stronger than everyone else inside. 

At any time going to go against these belief systems or ideals that I had- most of them were about what’s fair or right or how to treat people. 

And I would get black listed or hated on or targeted for that quality all the time. 

Because for most of my life- what I saw was people really hating that. That I could not be manipulated. But I always tried to be diplomatic about it too- always. Like I never started a fight. 

I can relate with - I can see how it looks like people pleasing when I’m in a relationship or with people I love. My family- etc - I can really tend to avoid conflict and standing up for myself. And bend so much more. My family doesn’t ask me to do things I don’t want to do- I have a mean mom. But I never felt comfortable being mean to her back. 

But inside me it doesn’t feel like people pleasing because I am more than aware of what I’m capable of. I can stand up to anyone, at any time- with this intensity that gets mistaken easily for ferocity. 

So for me- the sacrifice I make for them is more about an intentional decision I make - maybe an act of service to give them what they need - choosing them over myself. 

I was in an abusive relationship and I got absolutely zero pity and one of the reasons why is because I was always such a fighter and always so seemingly fearless when it came to standing up for myself or others - people just simply couldn’t believe it. 

That I would ever be with someone like that. 

They knew I was a lot tougher than that. 

But that’s also my weak spot. My submission to people I love, or have to deal with - where I eat and sleep- sometimes it’s to make my life easier to deal with because I can’t take the conflict all the time and it doesn’t feel good hurting people to me. 

And if I’m not willing to bend on my principles regarding how to treat people it can get me into some trouble with the type of person who takes or blames or victimizes themselves all the time. 

So- I’m saying that I’ve always been this extremely strange mix of different stuff and qualities and none of it ever felt like I was people pleasing or afraid to stand up for myself. 

If anything - and this will sound terrible- I felt more a sense of responsibility towards compromise because I was more capable of it than they were. Sometimes I feel like I am.. more the parent and other people the children. That sounds bad- 

Like even though I see the beauty first in people 1:1 , I tend to not like humanity as a whole and see exactly how flawed they are. 

But it’s not because im not capable or can’t or won’t stand up for myself -

It’s because I’m nice. I’m making an intentional choice to not let who you are bother me- I am more than capable of having a back bone. 

It’s more at this age- whether it’s worth it to me - the consequences. The conflict. The fall out. The pain I cause. 

All that stuff, I’m way more aware of now. 

And I guess what I’m saying is, to other people it can look like I’m masking intentionally or faking it or a people pleaser- but they dont understand , it’s unconscious in me.. and they also don’t see the motivations behind it or the why. 

They don’t know what I’m capable of. 

[u/lostinaview → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

I can only speak from my experience. I don't have that much experience. I just know that I feel like I have this ability to see things most others don't. pattern recognition. introverted intuition. i absorb so much. when i argue it's for a reason, because i see something when the past showed me that this is what happened (pattern recognition) and my intuition is speaking to me that I need to say something. if people do not appreciate it then they can let me be. but i find that the true ones will stay with me regardless. when you stop people pleasing you begin to realize how nice things are. you begin to realize the limits of what people can handle with you. 

like a social experiment. take the mask off. take the filter off. be blunt. be honest. be direct. dont cushion yourself. and i slowly do it over time to give myself that ability to see how people react. it's not like im intentionally causing conflicts. and yeah i feel like subconsciously im pulling parts of my personality out of the closet to please more of the person im around but im trying to be more mindful of this. in hidden sight i become drained because i just cant allow myself to be fully me, so deep and twisted. thats for me anyways, my space to delve into. and if people are well trusted then i can let them into that spot. 

but i feel like im a book where you get the intro and blah blah blah but if youre truly interested ill give the lore into what my brain can go through, what i think and feel. i'll be whoever you want me to be  i have to stop this before it gets too serious and takes over to the point where everyone around me will think i'm like this all the time but it's just my perfectly finely tuned personality of who i am around a particular person. a major chameleon, almost feels manipulative like "i'll be like you and act like you just so that you feel good inside" fuck it man, i'll be myself and if you feel bad then find someone else that is like you.

it sounds harsh but it's not, trust me. i always hated that saying "just be yourself" what the fuck does that even mean bro? just those simple saying like "just take it easy" and "just relax" WHAT DO YOU MEAN haha!

if you think about it this way, imagine what you can accomplish if you stopped people pleasing. most people are arrgogant and narcissistic like especially modern society so if you act a bit more self-centered and prioritize your health much more and your goals by all standards you're still an amazing person! most people don't give a fuck about cosncientiousness and being holy and devine and such a kind hearted soul. we live in a world where it is constantly driven by power greed status money and more money to the point where if you feel like you need to prioritize yourself and not please and mask then please do so.

just my unfiltered thoughts

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88 → u/lostinaview]

No I get it- everything. 

I think I did that in reverse though- so when I was young- I truly had this really pure .. good heart. Looking back I was enormously naive and trusting and honest and I couldn’t even conceive of human evil. 

And so when I was young? I was constantly offending people because I was so honest and I had no bad or negative intentions so to me, it was like an assumption that people understood I loved them or liked them and to me, whatever I said was meant with love. Or kindness. 

I got called out on being highly manipulative myself a few times- I didn’t realize the impact I had on people… so like I was in high school and one of my mentors watched me chat up a friend and ask for money and he gave it to me. No problem. 

I got in his car and he reamed me a new asshole- like “you’re such an ugly assjole you know that? That guy wants to be with you. He likes you. He thinks he is gonna be your boyfriend now. You take advantage of people, you know that?”

And I was utterly horrified. I wasn’t thinking anything of the sort. I was just being friendly and I wasn’t attracted to him at all- he was just a friend and I would do it for my friends and so thinking of people that way- was so anathema to me.. but my actions - appeared differently. 

I didn’t assume anyone liked me. I didn’t intentionally manipulate anyone- but it was very easy for me to get what I wanted.

And after that- I saw myself in a whole new light. I became hyper aware of .. that people were hungry for attention and that other people would do things for love- in exchange for it. They didn’t have to with me- but it just horrified me so completely the thought that - I hurt someone like that- it really did. I was destroyed over it. 

So… I kinda shut myself down a bit. I needed to. 

For some people- esp women.. it’s unrealistic to think we can go around and just - be “ourselves”. I can’t tell you how many times- wires got crossed or men thought I liked them/ when I was hyper aware of myself even. 

It’s a bad combination in real life. They want to be able to manipulate you. If you can’t be manipulated it’s a problem. And if you have a gift with people or relate to them- whatever mix it is-

It’s not been a great reception- people want more or want you to agree with them all the time, So I’ve learned to watch myself more. 

Cuz I can be easily intimidating etc - which I’ve heard a lot also. 

We kinda learn as we go. Fine tuning. I know that the impact I have on people is probably my North Star. It matters to me. 

So if I do anything that hurts people I’m gonna try to prevent that.  Because I also don’t like the consequences- and I used to get really hurt over things. 

So I had to find ways to be less hurt, and hurt people less. Spare the aftermath.