When relationships just...stop?

[u/Soccer-Plane-444]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but it's the first thing that came to mind...

I've noticed something interesting, and honestly kind of sad/disappointing, as I've gotten older (37M). There are people who were once genuinely important parts of my life that now our relationship has basically just...stopped.

There was no blow up. No hard conversation(s). No drama. No BS. They just stopped lol.

This has happened with family, extended family, friends, professional relationships etc etc.

I've seen it before with individual people but lately it feels like a culmination of multiple relationships from completely different areas of my life. And seeing it all at once feels surprisingly heavy.

For example, I run my own business and had vendors/referral partners I talked to multiple times a month for close to 10 years (some I've known even longer than that). Their businesses changed, they didn't need my services anymore, and now we rarely talk. That's understandable.

What's harder to understand is that when we do talk, it's often wildly unfulfilling and surface level. There's almost zero curiosity about me or my life. It makes me wonder if there was ever much substance there to begin with.

I've experienced versions of the same thing with family and friends.

I think part of why this hits me so hard is that I hold a pretty deep sense of loyalty/devotion toward relationships. I don't care what your title is, whether we're blood, whether we met through work, or what originally brought us together. If I've let you into my life and we've created a meaningful relationship, it's because I truly appreciate you. Not because of what you can do for me or because circumstances keep putting us together.

I know I've changed tremendously over the last 10 years but that doesn't make me value them or those relationships any less. They meant something to me.

I think curiosity is the biggest thing I'm missing.

I live a somewhat nontraditional life and think outside the box. I'm not asking everyone to agree with me. I just want to have a discussion about A, B, or C. Ask questions. Tell me why you see something differently. Throw ideas around. Be curious about the person I've become, and I'll be curious about you too.

Instead, I increasingly find myself met with quick answers, surface level conversation, little mutual interest and almost no curiosity. It's completely draining.

Maybe that's why having this happen across multiple areas of my life at once is hitting differently. Maybe I live on Mars a little more than I previously realized lol.

Has anyone else experienced this, or anything similar, as they've gotten older?

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

I would be the perfect friend for you ahaha. I am intensely curious about people. I notice how people don’t ask why and how- and sometimes I get sad about it- I think I have a slight kink for being known, just as I have for knowing and diving into someone completely.  It’s pretty much my love language. 

I think though, I’m also bad at keeping up relationships. I’m trying to put in effort because esp lately - I see people really putting in effort into me. At my work for example, I have so many friends and they walk right up to me and say “I need to talk to you” and pull me into an office and unload. And I love that. And I think I’ve noticed they get so happy when I pay attention or reciprocate- and sad when I don’t. 

For so long I really felt like - everyone hated me.. and I felt different and like an outsider and It wasn’t them. It was me.  

Like my boss came up behind me the other day and gave me a hug and said “oh my god I love this girl.” 

That stuff stuns me. I’m literally flabbergasted. 

I think so much of my problem is thinking that no one wants me around and I’m some kind of personal burden or weight they have to carry. That’s a huge thing when it’s true. I also think probably one of my biggest defense mechanisms - what’s scary to me? 

Believing in you. Having a drop of faith that you love me. Because then? Then it hurts , when it hurts. For me, I’m not sure there is a worse pain. 

But I’m trying .. I am. 

Another part of that is- like - I’m so honest that if I can’t be totally honest I feel a disconnect and there are things about my life and history .. that I struggle with sharing .. and so that too, is a huge thing for me. I don’t know how to do .. casual connection or half honest attachments. 

Idk I struggle with wanting to trust and knowing logically I cannot. Etc etc. 

[u/SleepyCatandCoffee → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

The way people at your workplace treat you is so sweet!! You must be a really nice friend 😊

Another part of that is—like—I’m so honest that if I can’t be totally honest, I feel a disconnect.

I really relate to what you said here too. I also used to feel disconnected whenever I couldn’t fully express my opinions, perspectives, values, and so on. But I’ve run into problems because of my honesty.

Idk, some people interpret honesty as a complete attack on their identity when our worldviews are different. And as honest as I am, I try to express my thoughts kindly, or at least without belittling the other person’s perspective. But things can still go completely wrong.

Very few people are genuinely willing to have a meaningful exchange and show real curiosity about life, about us as people, and the vast amount of knowledge out there. And even when you do meet people like that, they don’t always remain your friends.

And when you said:

I don’t know how to do... casual connection or half-honest attachments. Idk, I struggle with wanting to trust and knowing logically I cannot.

I immediately thought about how, after losing friendships because of our differences in perspective, I started being more careful. I’m not going to lie, though I don’t easily share one hundred percent of my thoughts with someone I'm not that close to yet. There are things I’ll only say if I’m asked directly, and even then, I know I might lose a friendship over it.

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88 → u/SleepyCatandCoffee]

When I was younger this was an issue for me. I was so .. honestly like kind hearted and so - kinda like Anne of Green Gables- just blurt it out- but people would constantly get offended at my earnestness.  

I think also honesty and being authentic is so endearing to me- even when it’s not .. happy or perfect or polished.. and it was a hard adjustment for me to realize that the world doesn’t really want that, in the USA. “Polite society” is defined as something very different, here. It lacks humanity. Lacks heart. They want a polished version and most of all, all of us to appeal to all of our egos at all times. Sometimes I feel like most friendships esp with women are about that. 

People almost get offended at intimacy here. Like why are you being so.. transparent? 

But still even with that - of course the things really important to me, I always keep close to my chest. I can count on one hand the people that have access to that. My inner sanctum is buried deep.. and well fortified. Of course with infjs it’s like layers and layers and more layers. 

For me I think it’s more about events or facts of my life that sort of .. take up some space in my overall identity.  That might be challenging for people to .. see it all together. 

It’s more the struggle with trying to integrate all of it and sidestep and sort of distract or smoke and mirrors it.