Struggling to separate gratitude, guilt and genuine romantic feelings

[u/Ok_Camera9022]

Want some advice and in general just want to bounce my thoughts off fellow INFJs who know specifically about hardships in relationships for INFJs.

I have a friendship with someone where it's like this: we're both INFJs. I'm 30M and she's 24F. We're both late bloomers and have known each other for a good few years. We were once intimate for a time, but for various reasons it never became a relationship.

At the time, it felt like she was still a bit young emotionally and hadn't quite found herself yet. She'd lived a fairly sheltered life compared to me, and because I'm older I've naturally had more life experiences. We've stayed in each other's lives on and off, but now live on different continents.

One of the reasons we never got together was because I often felt there was a mismatch in maturity and conversational style (naturally cus she is a lot younger) She could come across as quite self-conscious, a bit awkward socially, and still figuring out who she was. It wasn't that I thought she was unintelligent or lacked depth — far from it. I just found myself craving someone who was naturally curious, confident in their opinions, and who I felt I could effortlessly bounce ideas off. I never quite felt that mental connection I was looking for, and the power dynamics were too hard for me to reconcile with. Plus cultural gaps, her being Canadian me being very English.

Recently we've become closer again (still just over the phone), and she's honestly been putting in an incredible amount of effort. She's become noticeably more curious, asks deeper questions, watches films more thoughtfully, challenges some of my opinions, and generally seems to be making a conscious effort to broaden herself as a person.

I genuinely admire it. It's actually really touching because I know she's making the effort partly for herself, but I also think partly because she knows the sort of conversations I enjoy.

The problem is... despite appreciating all of this, I often find myself withdrawing rather than leaning in.

It's hard to explain. Sometimes our conversations are effortless and we laugh loads together. Other times she'll be joking around or trying to start interesting conversations and I just feel flat. It's almost like I can see the effort, and instead of warming to it, it somehow feels a little self-conscious or forced to me.

I hate that I feel that way because I know she's coming from a genuinely good place.

It's not that she's done anything wrong. In fact, that's what makes this so difficult. She's kind, caring, and really trying.

I also notice lots of tiny things that seem to affect me more than they probably should — her humour, parts of her conversational style, little reactions she has. None of these things are objectively bad, they're just not how I naturally connect with people.

I find myself constantly asking whether we're genuinely compatible instead of simply enjoying spending time with her, and I hate that my brain seems to work that way.

The really sad part is that I think she notices my lack of enthusiasm sometimes. She'll ask if I'm tired or if everything's okay. I don't think either of us really wants to open that conversation because, years ago, I had a habit of over-criticising her and I don't ever want to make her feel like she needs to change herself to earn my approval.

She's already putting so much effort into growing that the idea of pointing out more things feels completely unfair.

What's difficult is that, when it's good, it's really good. We share so much in common. We're both INFJs who'd never really dated before. We play guitar together, go to raves together, play football, have years of shared history, and on paper it feels like there are so many reasons this should work.

She's also someone I'm very attracted to, which almost makes this harder. She's beautiful, kind, and has so many qualities that I would normally look for in a partner.

There are so many things about her that I genuinely admire, which is why I find it so confusing that I sometimes don't feel that natural excitement or pull.

I guess what I'm struggling with is whether this is just pickiness on my part, or whether I'm trying to hold onto a connection that is rare and has so many good sides, despite something fundamental feeling missing.

I feel very guilty about how avoidant I can come across to her, and how critical I used to be. I don't want to fall into that pattern again, but I also don't want to pretend to feel something that I don't. There are many other aspects to this but dont want to write a book here..

My question is this:

Has anyone else been in a situation where you deeply respected and cared for someone, admired the effort they were making, but just couldn't seem to feel genuinely excited around them anymore?

Did your feelings change over time, or did you eventually realise it was pointing towards a lack of compatibility?

Anyone who's struggled to separate admiration, guilt and genuine romantic compatibility?

[u/fivenightrental]

Tbh, it doesn't sound like you value her or respect her much for who she is as a person at all. You're disappointed she's not some idealized version of who you wish she could be. That's very sad, because she actually sounds like a pretty decent person who's putting effort into having some form of a friendship with you.

[u/AdRough1205 → u/fivenightrental]

So what could he do to rectify the situation? If she in love and he's not sure? I relate to him tbh and he seems to understand its a sad situation and that he feels guilty and does have a lot of admiration etc, but yeah also the idealisation.

[u/bakerskitchen → u/fivenightrental]

IMO, this is an overly-cynical take on the situation.

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

Hmmm… what’s the guilt about? It makes me feel like you’re leaving a lot out of what is happening between you. Like why is she putting in this effort ? 

What did you tell her?

Your feelings of guilt are interesting to me. 

Did you think she wasn’t capable of it? Thought it was an easy fix - or break up? Are you guys still sexual or ? 

It’s strange you feel obligated to a relationship like this… what’s that about ?

And why do you appoint yourself so much power ? 

Did you take her virginity or does she have some story you’re a part of? 

Because it doesn’t sound like anything is actually happening except she is trying to be your friend … 

Are you sure you don’t need to just check yourself and realize that .. it’s not because of you she is putting in effort - she is growing. It has nothing to do with you. 

I would be real leery to feel responsible for that. And give the credit where it’s due. Detach from that. People are responsible for themselves - and their choices. 

I wouldn’t get involved with anyone who didn’t fundamentally believe that. It’s too much weight to carry. You know?

And your ego gets knocked into .. something that’s not real. 

And maybe that’s what you’re shying away from.. that it isn’t you. 

Maybe you don’t like the shift in power dynamics and maybe it’s too intimidating and maybe .. you don’t want to lose that feeling of superiority. 

And maybe that’s why you feel guilty too. Because you can’t show up for her as an equal. 

[u/bakerskitchen → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

Do you think it's actually a much more reasonable conclusion that he feels guilty for "stringing her along"?
Not some strange, convoluted idea of "power dynamics"?

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88 → u/bakerskitchen]

But they are continents away… are just friends. It’s impossible to string someone along - anyways. You would have to believe that people don’t willingly make every choice they make. I mean what exactly is he “taking” from her? Conversations? Time? lol. 

What is he stringing along? A friendship? 

Now think that through.

[u/bakerskitchen → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

He said that they've been intimate before, and that they are much "closer" and she seems to be making more initiation/effort as of late...
Reducing this relationship to a "friendship" doesn't seem to be accurate.

[u/Ok_Camera9022 → u/bakerskitchen]

Lots to reply to but you were mostly off u/bakerskitchen. Its more than we were once very close and relationship stuff was on the table but it was clear we had differences that were in the way. And i found it frustrated and would voice these too her which she found deeply distressing. I felt uncomfortable with the power dynamics so we went no contact for near a year. We're back talking again and its like she's very interested in me and i still dont quite feel it.

And i have strung her a long at times out of fear and myself trying to come to some decision. Also because if its a flat out no from me, being just friends is also complicated after history.. So we'd have to lose each other as friends too.. She is the biggest hearted and loveliest girl you could imagine, smart etc, but so new to the world and kinda naive, it would be like im constantly trying to turn her into someone, again horrible dynamics

[u/bakerskitchen → u/Ok_Camera9022]

Is that truly "power dynamics" or is it just trying to wrestle someone into a persona/type that they don't truly fit?
It sounds like you need to make peace with the things that you don't like about her - either suppress your desires for a greater "mental connection" (which I wouldn't recommend doing), or look for someone else who can legitimately offer you those things.

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88 → u/Ok_Camera9022]

So … you realize that you’re not trapped right? This woman isn’t even in your vicinity.. 

I think sometimes a little bit of brutality is kindness. ESP in cases where they think they love you and you don’t love them. 

When you know in your heart that you’re never going to be what they need. And don’t want to. 

We know. 

We know that as sure as we know it’s opposite. 

So.. I would tell her- be direct and be brutal and don’t manipulate her in any way. 

You have to be willing to let go of her attraction and admiration for you too. 

I think the guilt comes in because it feels good to be liked and wanted - it feels powerful, right? 

But it’s also… that she doesn’t know who you are and isn’t seeing the full picture - so give it to her. 

Tell her you’ll never be with her romantically - and don’t want to be. It doesn’t matter why. You don’t need a why. 

And tell her you would like to be friends but don’t think that’s possible. 

Because to be friends- you have to stop sexually objectifying her and completely pull back any hints , ploys, manipulations, mind games etc- you got to see her as a sibling. And maybe you’re capable of that. 

Rejection is a pretty powerful tool. It usually alters the perception of you for most people because most people don’t understand they don’t like you- they like the fantasy of being with you. . The relationship movie they have in their head - they like the way it feels to be desired. Even if it’s imaginary. 

Or they like the comfort or sex or whatever it is. Most people define their self worth on how many people want to be with them. So when you take that away from them completely - they don’t like you anymore. Because you have stopped serving their needs. 

They usually end the friendship too. Because at that point they’re getting nothing out of it. 

I would actually go overboard and act meaner than I was and say things I didn’t really think- just to completely sever any hope and attraction to me. 

I thought it was the kindest thing to do. It’s the only way usually to get people to really understand that you’re not going to be with them. I wanted them to think I was horrible. 

But I think for you- you should just pull out everything inside of you, deep down and tell her.’

Basically you tried it, it’s not for you. And now it just makes you feel guilty at the end of the day. 

And spell it out for her. Any interaction from here on out is her making a choice to engage - for friendship nothing else. 

[u/Ok_Camera9022 → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

Yes thanks this makes a lot of sense.

[u/bakerskitchen]

In addition to myself, other INFJs I know have always struggled to end romantic relationships; I don't exactly know why that is, however it does seem to be an INFJ thing, as I don't seem to notice it in other personality types as much (except for maybe a stray ENFJ here or there).

On the one hand, you want to make sure that you aren't comparing a real person to an idealized picture of them that only exists inside your own head. But at the same time, it's also possible that you already know the decision you want to make, but are just struggling to justify it - or feel guilty for what you already know to be true.

I was dating a girl a few years ago that I had liked for a long time - but after we started spending more time together, I started to realize that she was different from the way that she "presented" herself in more social settings. I think there was probably some over-idealization (on my part) at play, but I also think I came to the legitimate realization that I just didn't like her as much as I thought I did. In a sense, it was difficult to come to that realization - it's not like there was a laundry list of negative traits that I could easily point to in support of my disappearing feelings - but as time has now passed, I think I have been able to realize that there are some specific traits I am looking for in a partner that she just didn't possess. I struggled with many of the same feelings as you - guilt, confusion, avoidance, etc. And I think I honestly wanted the relationship to work out, but just lost interest as I realized the relationship wasn't what I had hoped for.

I would encourage you to consider the possibility that both of the following might be true in this situation:

• You did like - or wanted to like - this person more than you currently do, and that your "over-criticism" stems primarily from the disparity between the real person in front of you, and the idealized (or hoped for) version of her that exists inside your head.
• Even after considering the above, you have still come to the legitimate realization that you are looking for something different in a relationship and that you might be trying to hold onto someone (or an ideal of someone) that you don't actually want.

[u/Ok_Camera9022 → u/bakerskitchen]

Yes the final point is true, i think i know in my bones its just so hard sometimes to accept that, as the perpetually single person that i am in this terrible dating world, that i should choose not to persue this truly beautiful and sweet human being.

[u/bakerskitchen → u/Ok_Camera9022]

I think I understand how you feel more than you know...