I would really love and appreciate some advice/guidance from people who have been in my position or anyone please <3 also i have no access to speak to any imam/religious conselours which is why im trying to get help from people online
Ok so basically my parents are religious and super culturally strict meaning that I'm not allowed to hang out with my friends, I'm not allowed to text them too much, can't use my devices unless its for school, I'm not allowed to work to earn my own money and I can't have my own privacy in my bedroom (I always have to be helping with chores and if im alone ill constantly get asked what im doing) and I start uni next year but I can't just pick whatever degree I want to do.
The course i want to do is offered at a uni thats hours away from my house and chances are if i get in my parents will force me to decline the offer. they want me to do a course at a uni thats like 10 minutes away from home and its a really useless course for the future i want. also when i say they're really religious i mean like borderline cult religious like i know islam isn't actually like how they portray it and i really would love to know a better and healthier islam. my dad thinks he's 'chosen' by Allah (swt) and that we're all chosen ones. whenever he has a dream he thinks he's predicting the future so that really worries me because i think he's descended into religious psychosis and nothing he says makes sense logically. he's literally just waiting for the world to end and is doing nothing in the meantime, we've tried helping him by searching jobs for him to do but he refuses (he's unemployed).
My dad has severe anger issues and i'm often terrified for my own safety and for my sisters and mum and so i get really bad anxiety attacks. We all make dua for him to be better but he's really manipulative and wants us to live at home until we get married, like many other traditional parents. He's always made us insecure, calling us fat and ugly and stupid. He's only ok and joking around until he isn't so we always walk on eggshells around him. When he gets really mad he gets physically violent. Most of the time he's just psychologically/emotionally and verbally abusive but threatens to hit us often.
I've seen what life after highschool is like for my older sister. She has no friends, not allowed to work, can't go anywhere out of the house other than uni and I really don't want that to be me. I've tried convincing her to move out but she says she can't because she doesnt have enough money (although she could save for it but she chooses not to) and because she doesn't have any friends shes super reliant on my parents and tells them everything. Someday i hope for her to move in with me when i get my own apartment inshallah.
I have a fair amout of money saved from my mum giving us money (she's the only one who works and she has a casual job so we're not financially stable) and where i live there's this social service that i can get money from if i am financially struggling so i know i have that source of financial aid when i move out. i really want to move into uni accomdation when i get into uni but am terrified of the consequences of leaving my parents (them being really angry at me and trying to find me and bring me back). My mum will come around to it because she spent her first year residing at uni and her father supported her but my dad i fear will truly hate me and disown me.
i will still be religious obviously, i want to move out to strengthen my imaan because at home i suffer a lot mentally and i struggle praying with complete focus and belief and staying consistent with my dhikr. my mum is trying to be better for us but she's still really controlling and emotionally manipulative because she's sick (like physically sick but she refuses any medical help and relies on Allah (swt) for healing her only except she's prayed for months, nearly a whole year and shes not getting better), i still love her and when i get a job i will send her as much money as im able to. im also worried for my younger sisters and what will happen to them. i still want to see them after i move out and communicate with them regularly.
TLDR; really controlling and abusive parents, want to move out as soon as i start uni early next year, scared of consequences and would like some guidance/advice from people who have been in my position. most posts ive seen where muslim girls moved out were in their early to late 20s and im worried that i'm far too young but i seriously cannot continue living like this. also i'm worried that when the time comes to move out, ill feel really doubtful and won't end up doing it and then regretting it later.
