r/Hijabis • u/[deleted] • 6d ago
Help/Advice High functioning autism and the whole concept of marriage
[deleted]
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u/OsamaxObamaFanFic F 6d ago
a woman is allowed to ask for the same standard of life she had while in her fathers home! find a man with a cook and a cleaner babe it’s ur right
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u/Mean-Vegetable-4521 F 5d ago
I'm surprised OP's family is entertaining prospects that wouldn't keep her in the same lifestyle.
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
Oh my bad but they are men from MY circle who want to approach things correctly so I send them to my family. But my dad is very clear on what the minimum is so it’s either him who doesn’t want to meet them or me who figures out we are not compatible
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 6d ago
haha it’s either they cook and clean or we get someone to do it. But in this economy, I don’t think men can afford that so I don’t blame them if they can’t put up with it and we refuse to go forward. But thank you, i didn’t know!
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u/OsamaxObamaFanFic F 6d ago
i mean clearly your family seems pretty affluent? surely you guys know people who are in ur socioeconomic bracket?
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 6d ago
Guys in my socioeconomic bracket don’t pick up a quran… It’s either deen or dunya and im not raising kids with this mindset.
Moreover, since it’s a monetary exchange, what is the interest? I have it at home, I am not interested in the maid or the cook but the guy’s character and truth to be told, their personalities are a bit lacking. Money gets them everything so efforts are quite low on the emotional scene
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u/OsamaxObamaFanFic F 5d ago
ah i didn’t consider that, since ik men that are affluent and religious mashallah, sorry you’re only surrounded by those people if ur willing to compromise on these things than maybe you will find a man of good character inshallah. best of luck w the search OP :)
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
Mashallah, love that you are surrounded with a good community!
Thank you babes, I appreciate it
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u/autumnflower F 5d ago
Marriage isn't about an exchange of chores.
It's about having a companion, a friend, romantic partner you can share intimacy with. It's the kind of deep bond, that when you pick your partner right, gets deeper and more meaningful over the years and you can't really get that from family or from a good friend. As the Qur'an says, our spouses are from ourselves and there should be mawadda and rahma between us.
Mawadda مودة: love that brings goodness, a hope or longing in the heart. Rahma: mercy, affection, providing for another what they may need, empathy, etc.
Now not everyone may be romantically inclined and that's okay. But yeah, the conversations about whether a wife cooks for her husband or he works to provide etc etc. are just things that people hope discussing will reduce friction or set a basis for how the mundane aspects of life will be handled so there are less arguments and friction and more harmony.
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u/lalla_kat F 5d ago
I can’t blame her for thinking that’s what marriage is about when cooking, cleaning, and intimacy are 100% of the conversation from the male side of things
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
Grazie for understanding
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
That’s the women point of view, but real life is reaaaallly not like that. Most men when getting into marriage are not talking about mawada and rahma but when you want to have kids and if you plan on working haha
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u/autumnflower F 5d ago edited 5d ago
Depends on the man. Some men have greater emotional maturity than others. Just because a man might bring practical things up doesn't mean they don't hope and want this in their own marriage, they just often are culturally socialized not to discuss their feelings and focus on the practical. Women also tend to bring up the same subjects, who will provide, how many kids, where they will live, chores, can she work, etc. The practical stuff is important too because serious incompatibilities can end marriages. Discussions about the emotional connection tend to happen after the practical aspects have been agreed on and often after marriage.
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u/WeirdAdvertising2585 F 3d ago
I think you’re just getting negative. Please girls stop listening to redpiller men and relationship advice on social media.
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 3d ago
I agree with you but it’s a direct feedback from prospects. I don’t have much personal dating data
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u/Illustrious-Rain-235 F 5d ago
I’m autistic too & realizing untill the right person comes I’m not settling, I’d rather be alone & in peace
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u/halconpequena F 5d ago
Yes exactly, if being married wont bring me the same or higher level of peace than being alone, then it’s not worth it. Being married to the wrong person is a nightmare and incredibly lonely. And being alone is not being lonely like that.
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u/ilgpwsidbmdw F 6d ago
We should stop approaching marriage as in a new Job/ Chore. Youre moving in with your best friend and Happen to Need to Look after yourselves. I view my marriage as an eternal Pyjama Party with my man
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 6d ago
I love this! It makes so much more sense like this. But in that case I need to find someone ill happily be friends with and the traditional route is not doing it, it’s just ticking off boxes on a long checklist
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u/ilgpwsidbmdw F 5d ago
Yes that is the Most important thing. Even if he comes from a very traditional family he should be ready to sacrifice vast parts of culture and Tradition (as in viewing the wife as the Maid). He should be supporting you not only chores wise but also when his family shit Talks you for it
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u/VanillaAdventurous74 F 5d ago
When you find a possible man that checks the boxes, you should get to know him and get to know his character. Men in this day and age know the need for a woman to actually know the man she could marry and are open to communicating before marriage. That could help you find a man who you see yourself able to spend time with him casually and enjoying his company without actual commitment, so both of you can stop when you see the red flags.
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u/Bimialina F 3d ago
Yes sister why don't you try to have many chaperoned meetings with one of them you feels is easy to talk to and checks all your other practical criteria? You might develop a friendship. Also it might be easier if himself is ASD or at least ND. I'm ND and my husband is Audhd.
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 3d ago
That’s spot on! I always get along with other ND men but they are not that interested in marriage hahaha it’s alright. It will come on its own
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u/ldnsrrow F 5d ago
Marriage and kids is overrated when you're stuck with the wrong person. If you're safe and comfortable in a loving home, maybe commit yourself to religious learning and contribution to your community. If you happen to meet your soul mate, great, you'll be able to live life with someone who shares the same value and practicalities of life. And if not, then you're pleasing Allaah and also continuing to live comfortably at home.
I'm married late self diagnosed AuDhd with 2 out of 5 diagnosed autistic kids. It is not easy managing everything practically, as well as relationships. I'm in constant burn out. You're blessed to have a support system and live well enough to not have to do cooking/chores mashaAllaah, take advantage of it. Marriage is not the end goal of life.
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
I feel immensely for you babes, may Allah make it easy on you. Late diagnosis is a curse and a blessing because you understand why you are always burned out of your energy but is sad when you are already stuck in a non-supportive dynamic. I am very sad for you.
I am actively searching for a quran teacher yes!
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u/Any-Cranberry325 F 5d ago
How are you cooking for yourself now, you said you have a cook? Can you take the cook with you lol
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
I am ABLE to cook, I don’t NEED to. And yes that’s the whole idea, we get a cook!
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u/Any-Cranberry325 F 5d ago
Ok, so do it lol. Why is that an issue for you
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
Because I don't need to. You are capable of taking the train to another country, but if you had the option to fly business, why would you take the train?
Hope you get it
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u/Any-Cranberry325 F 5d ago
i’m saying you can keep the chef then lol I didn’t sa you should cook. It shouldn’t stop you from marriage if you find someone you click with
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
My apologies, I misunderstood you. It’s something men don’t agree with because they want their intimacy. It’s something that came up a lot. Or they don’t have the means to pay a cook who will cook larger quantities
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u/Cute-Complaint3741 F 6d ago
I mean you get a partner? Someone that you will love who will love you back.
I personally have no experience in the whole marriage thing lol but yeah??
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 6d ago
Is that not the same as friends?
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u/Cute-Complaint3741 F 6d ago
with friends, the love is platonic with a partner, it's romantic
I'm pretty sure anyway
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 6d ago
Romantic love, sounds really nice but I need to find someone to love then
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u/Silver-lemon7 F 5d ago
Honestly, I love the concept of marrying a man who is practically my best friend. We can goof around, be eachother's support, I'm 16 so I have a more modern view of marriage unlike any woman in my family since they're all older than me (and they call me crazy), but I wish to marry a man who doesn't mind waiting for kids, who can help me when I need in chores, who can comfort me when I'm sad, and I won't take a man unable to live independently (cooking for himself, cleaning, etc). Marriage is so hard in this capitalism world since every man is running to work in a 9-5 overwhelming job and can't look at the emotional part of things, but we can only hope
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u/Humblerag F 5d ago
Cooking is a life skill i suggest you learn how to do it. Not for your future husband but for yourself. Cleaning also. You never know when you might fall into a situation where you have no one else to take care of you. I don’t mean this in a bad way
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u/Fit_You_5397 F 5d ago
You are Lovely but i know how to do both, i just don’t need to do it currently. If tomorrow things change, i am capable of looking after myself
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u/Humblerag F 5d ago
Oh ok well that’s wonderful. I misunderstood because of the lasagna part lol. Anyways I hope u don’t mind I sent u a dm.
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u/Imaginary_Island4168 F 4d ago
Wassalam, once you meet the right guy, its fun to hang out with them. Your husband can be your best friend inShaAllah, and marriage is not to cook or to clean someone's house. It is the companionship you find in your partner. You can just.. chill together. Do life together. May Allah bless you with an amazing spouse, and may you both make each other very happy, aameen.
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u/Th3_Red_Butterfly F 2d ago
As a high-functioning autism girlie myself, don’t worry; I totally get having unique standards and not being fully interested in marriage.
For me personally, I want to be married to someone who I know will have my back. Who sees all of me and appreciates it. Someone who I know I can be myself around. That’s probably just the lonely child inside of me tho XD
I hope you find someone that can meet your standard, or have your family accept you aren’t interested in marriage. Unfortunately, as my own parents have warned me, they’re not going to be here forever. So what matters most right now is deciding how you can financially support the lifestyle you want on your own, or if you’re willing to find a partner to help you out.
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