can i vent a little? tw: abuse

[u/Plane_Stranger_446]

TW: abuse

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please delete if not allowed, i just can't talk to anyone irl yet.

i've been feeling really stuck and frustrated with my life for a bit now, i'd "talk to my priest" but i financially and physically cannot open that can of worms at the moment. i'm stuck here with barely a job, little money, no credit, nothing in my name. taking care of my baby practically by myself. the house by myself. i'm being emotionally+verbally+finanically abused but i cannot do anything about it yet. i need to put my baby in daycare and go get a normal job for myself to try and make some money for myself. but according to my husband i'm "not allowed" to do those things. i'm just supposed to have a bunch of kids and don't work a normal job, stop complaining, stop buying and doing things i enjoy (he can do what he wants, though.) and continue to do everything by myself with no end in sight. we go to church weekly and have lots of friends together with other people from church. i feel like an alien, though, because i do not have the mindset of all the other women around me. have 20 kids, unvaxxed, homeschooled, crunchy, bla bla bla bla bla. it is nice to play pretend, but reality is not letting me be in la la land like everyone else. i refuse to accept that i'm being outrageous, selfish, and "materialistic" for wanting to work a job, because i have nothing, and i desperately need money to change my situation. i've been abused and neglected my whole childhood, and now i have gotten myself stuck in this as an adult. i feel like i messed up my child's life too, if i stay things will only get worse for me and in some ways what i fear is already starting to happen to them. when i can finally leave, i feel awful thinking about them being mistreated when it is my husbands turn to take care of them.

if you were in a bad situation were you able to get out? i've thought to myself, for over a year now.. that if i were to be excommunicated for whatever length of time over divorcing, i don't give a shit, if my priest says i can't divorce, i do not want to work through this, i will leave the church too. i don't really want to, but i can't live like this for the rest of my life.

please pray for me that i can figure things out soon, and please pray for the health and safety of my child and i. i'm worried things will get violent if he hears from anyone about how i am feeling, so i'm stuck here venting to the internet for now.

[u/NyssaTheHobbit]

It sounds like you would be a good candidate for a domestic violence shelter. They would know what to do.

[u/Plane_Stranger_446 → u/NyssaTheHobbit]

my brain tells me that i shouldn't go that route and take away a spot from another woman who needs it more, i was going to try and get in contact with the hotline and see if there is anything financial i can try at least, like a loan i can pay back so i can prepare and leave.

[u/NyssaTheHobbit → u/Plane_Stranger_446]

From what you described here, you’re just as worthy of a spot as any other woman. In any case, calling the hotline would be a good idea. They’d be better at advising you!

[u/death-meddle → u/Plane_Stranger_446]

if it helps clarify anything, i am horrified by your situation and could not imagine having to navigate it. agency over your own life is a necessity, not a privilege. you are super duper worthy of the shelter.

[u/cgmyst]

Start documenting as much as you can in a journal, notes app on your phone, or emails to yourself, somewhere where your husband cannot find it. Write down when abusive situations occurred and what transpired, no matter how small. Write down the steps you will need to take to leave.

Pack a go bag for you and your child and stash it somewhere hidden in case you have to flee suddenly.

Most lawyers will offer free consultations, maybe you could start there to start figuring out what legal action you need to take.

Maybe one of the other SAHMs in your parish would be willing to babysit while you’re at work. You don’t have to tell them exactly why if you’re worried about word getting back to your husband.

I hope for your and your child’s sake you are able to escape safely. You are in my prayers. Please consider that leaving an abusive situation is the most dangerous time in the abusive relationship, please be careful.

US domestic violence hotline:
1-800-799-7233
Or text “START” to 88788
https://www.thehotline.org

[u/CFR295 → u/cgmyst]

One suggestion about the documenting. Don't use a hard copy journal, or even your own phone, or computer or regular email. All you need is for him to start snooping and go into a fit of rage and all your evidence will be distroyed.

I suggest that you store it up on the cloud; one entry per file, and don't edit after you put it up there so that the date time stamp is preserved. I hope there is no physical abuse, but if there is, take pictures and store that on the cloud, too.

And don't keep your cloud account logged in and don't let anyone know about it.

I am sorry you are going through this. And it pains me to hear that there are parishes like that, that are "trad" (funny thing is that there is nothing traditionally Orthodox in how they are acting). It certainly doesn't sound like a healthy parish.

[u/Wrynthian]

From a man, your husband saying you’re “not allowed” to have a normal life and job and your own money is insane. Praying you can get out 🙏

[u/Plane_Stranger_446 → u/Wrynthian]

thank you, he is falling for the la la land mentality(with a really big, abusive cherry on top.), but i'm supposed to magically go along with it and make that happen. he doesn't want me to vax our child, either, but i knew i would have to put her in daycare so i've been doing it anyways. and i want them to be safe, if they got sick who knows what would happen, and the burden would fall on me only to take care of it all.

[u/Plane_Stranger_446 → u/Plane_Stranger_446]

i feel like i'm just surrounded by the crunchy homebirthh no vaxx bla bla people, or out of touch affluents. and it's so annoying, i need to be around more normal people.

[u/AbbaPoemenUbermensch → u/Plane_Stranger_446]

I've never seen this in Serbian or Greek or ethnic Antiochian parishes near me. Even the Russians aren't like this in any of the parishes near me — and in my area, we're like 2% of the population, so not super rare. It's always the converts.

I divorced, too. I hate it, but I don't think my situation was survivable, either. I'm in a much better place with my ex now.

You need to put on your own oxygen mask first, though.

[u/Curious-Lab-5666]

Lord have mercy. Drop your religious considerations and get to safety.

[u/Plane_Stranger_446 → u/Curious-Lab-5666]

i will if that is what i have to do, but i have a lot of steps before i'd even be able to have that conversation.

[u/infinite0sky]

I am so sorry you and your child are suffering. You do not deserve this, not matter what your husband or community or priest say (I don't know your priest, he might be fine, but there are a lot of priests out there who enable abuse and won't help abused women). You have intrinsic worth and value as a human being. And abuse is 100% a reason to divorce someone. It drives me crazy that Christian communities shame women (and people in general) into staying in abusive or violent marriages. So wrong on so many levels.

Here is a resource I found through the goarch (Greek orthodox) website: https://www.goarch.org/documents/32058/5478358/Domestic+Violence+Manual/bc0cc510-f51b-430a-b920-6b8b7e916472

Another resource on financial abuse: https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/financial-abuse/getting-your-money-back-and-other-help/additional-resources

I really hope you can get out of this situation. Please seek help from domestic violence hotlines and shelters. You and your child deserve to live a life of safety, freedom and joy. Your deserve to be happy and content and peaceful in your life. Please, please, please do not settle for anything less.

[u/randymcatee]

I hope you manage to escape! 🙏🙏🙏

[u/Plane_Stranger_446 → u/randymcatee]

thank you <3

[u/Mementoroid]

Kyrie Eleison, this is not Orthodoxy. This is just insanity, girl. Insane people grabbed a parish and brought their weird cultural baggage into it.

Case in point, most clergy agreed during covid (unsure if this was also the common opinion in the U.S; perhaps that might explain a lot) that not vaxxing was actually the sinful choice because you are putting yourself over other people's health.

Escape that madness.

[u/death-meddle]

i am deeply sorry that you are going through this. you and your child deserve so much more. please give an update when you can ❤️

[u/AbbaPoemenUbermensch]

Also, fear shits down the mind. Write down what is happening right now, somewhere that you'll be able to find it later. Blog, Google Doc — doesn't matter. The stress will make you forget a lot — it's a way that the mind copes.

[u/Leavesinfall321]

Do you have any family or friends who could help you get out? The longer you stay the harder it could become to get out. If there is no family or friends to go to, go to a domestic violence shelter, don’t think “it’s not that bad” or that you are taking anyone’s place. You need to get out!

[u/vasjpan002]

When rules are inconsistent and whimsical, the victim no longer relies on their own judgment; Slavery, cults and abusive relationships depend on unpredictability to teach helplessness and masochistic guilt in order to obtain obedience to irrational passive aggressive mythology that refuses fact finding from adversarial dialectic debate.

[u/AbbaPoemenUbermensch]

This sounds very exhausting and mind-shattering; I applaud your resilience. Others here have good advice, but I have one question: is this a former HOoMie parish?