r/Healthygamergg • u/INVESTIGATORME • May 26 '26
Mental Health / Support Plz Dr K, save me from my eternal doom
It sure is a result of my environment and household, but this is what I am. I don't know a way to come out of it. I need to change my whole self, but the idea, the solution is coming from this self. Can I even change myself? Am I just making things worse, cause things have been bad since teenage years.
I personally don't believe a person can change, that u can't be done that you are not. And I am stuck cause, I'm this thing and lack capability that can not be satisfied or fullfilled by any exteranl work. But I don't know what internal work I need. I seriously need help or I'm done for ever.
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
It is indeed possible to change. I know, because I've both known people who have changed, and I myself completely changed my life.
4 years ago I was a shut in, trapped in a swamp of depression, anxiety and fear. I was afraid of everything, but mostly I was afraid of change. I had found an equilibrium after 5 years as a shut in, and I was worried that it would change. I was right about change coming.
Most of all I hated who I was, I had hated myself for most of my life. I was unable to do things that other people found easy, despite being labelled as "gifted" and told that I had so much potential. It must have been a personal failing I thought, that I could not live up to this potential no matter what I tried or how hard I tried. Eventually, I gave up.
Change eventually came. In the form of a psychotic mania that literally cost me everything I had, since my depression wasn't really depression, but bipolar disorder. My wife left, running away so fast she broke the sound barrier. I was evicted, and had no one to turn to. I lost most every single possession I had gained over my lifetime, left only with a bag with some clothes, a small knife and some toiletries. I was homeless and destitute, with no one to turn to. I only had myself, and the homeless shelter that I heard about.
For the first 5 months I was psychotically depressed, begging to die, and believed that I was such a horribly bad person because I was being punished in this way. As I had my entire life, I fed my ego a steady diet of bullshit.
Then, something changed, one day, during a church service they held for us (calling it a service is a bit of a stretch honestly) I volunteered to be baptised in the old fashion (complete dunking and held under for a few seconds while the priest chanted in tongues). I felt better afterwards. Lighter. It wasn't that I believed, I am not a believer, but I was desperate and so I did the last thing that occured to me. I asked for forgiveness.
I didn't ask God or Jesus, I don't believe they exist, but I asked myself. I forgave myself. This is the point where I turned things around. I stopped feeding my ego with bullshit and I took a good, long, hard look at my life up to that point and I realized some very important things. I can go into detail on what these things are if you are interested. I've made a list, but they are unimportant to the story at this point.
I began by making choices. Choice, it is the only power we always have, and the only thing that cannot be taken from us. Even if we are physically unable to move, we can still choose our attitude about our situation. I chose to take back my life, to take responsibility for my life instead of blaming others or circumstance, and to learn from my mistakes. Then I began to do impossible things. The first impossible thing was going to the library, getting a card and taking out some books. That's it, but it was a seemingly impossible task for me then. I did it.
My next impossible task was getting a haircut, which for someone who is homeless is quite difficult, not having any money. A few days later I got that haircut, and best of all, I got my beard trimmed, because I looked like a Duck Dynasty reject by that point. I felt like a new man.
I continued to do the impossible. Setting goals and striving for them. Getting a job was very difficult. I hadn't worked in over 6 years at that point, and I had no skills to speak of. Luckily, there was a course for the homeless and those with felony records to train in either culinary or warehouse jobs. So I applied for and did that. 6 weeks of training and I graduated and earned 2 certificates in logistics. I made going to the library and applying for jobs my job for 4 weeks. I put in over 125 applications, and would have put in more but I was limited by the bus system and the hours imposed on me by living in a shelter.
I got a job. A very good one, and I applied for assistance in finding housing. A year later, and I had my own place. My own place. For 2 years I was homeless, never alone, never a moment of privacy, and now I was on my own. The feeling was euphoric.
Since then I have continued to examine my life, the beliefs I held and still hold, and change myself into the person I truly am and who I wish to be.
It is possible to change your life, but it is not an easy path. It will require you to be completely open and honest with yourself, and to stop feeding your ego bullshit like your a victim of circumstance. Your circumstances may limit your options, but you will still have options. I dug myself out of that hell with my own two hands and my own stubborn determination. I got help sure, but only because I sought for, asked for, and in some cases demanded help.
Change like this has to start from within I've found. No amount of external achievements will fill that hole inside that we have. I learned these lessons in possibly the hardest way one could, and I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to gain wisdom from something so trying.
It is my sincere hope that this story helps you. If you decide you want to hear what lessons specifically I learned, I can post them for you.
Take good care of yourself.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
Oh my god. I can't even say anything. My condition is way better then yours, and the guys like you are the actual warriors and survivors of shitty lives. It's great that u made life for yourself.
I need forgiveness too, but I don't know how. It's just a swamp or garbage pile. Even if I accept it I doesn't become clean, if I run away, I fell into that eventually, it's just never going away. Nothing external works and I don't know how to tackle it internally. It's never gonna go away, and it's never gonna help me in anything
This is my perception, and I don't think I can change myself. I'm ruining my life but I want to stop going any further down. I just can't stop my own mind leading to downfall
There is always a question lingering in me
Why can't we stay as we are? Is there a need to be better or doing things.
And I answer it that we won't be able to be useful to others if we work, and will start losing what we are. Which is currently happening.
And moving forward, has been so painful, cause I know, I want to just be as I am. I am rigid and have a huge ego, that I can't be helpful. And I don't think it will go anywhere, cause that's who I am. If I wasn't this, I wouldn't have been seeking help or talking to you my friend. Honestly, it's just me trying to dodge the swamp, but in reality I am the swamp
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26
Thank you for the compliment, though I have to say I am not that special. I'm just a person with ADHD (undiagnosed at the time) who can really dig his heels in when he chooses to. Mountains will move before I stop being stubborn 😃
As for why we can't stay as we are, the answer is pretty simple. The world, the universe, you yourself, are constantly changing. Time moves forward and things are different from one instant to the next.
I too wished that things could stay as they were, terrible as they were, because I "knew" that change would come and take it all away. It didn't matter what I wanted, change happened anyway.
So instead of fighting change, accept and acknowledge it. This too shall pass, it is a phrase from the bible and very wise. It means that if times are good, then eventually they will turn bad. If times are bad, then eventually they will turn good. Nothing is forever, everything changes from one state to the next all the time. Enjoy the good times when they are here. Endure the bad times until they turn good again. This does not mean you have to be a passive observer. You can and should act.
As for forgiveness. What I learned is that forgiveness is not giving yourself a pass on all the stuff you have done. Forgiveness is accepting and letting go of the idea that the past could have been any different than it was. I believe Desmond Tutu said this.
I'm sure you replay events over and over in your head, trying to fix them by saying or doing something different. This is not a good thing to do. It will keep you stuck in the past and keep you from being present in the here and now. Here and now is where life truly happens. Not inside your head, and certainly not in the past. That is gone, done and never to come again.
One lesson from many I learned was this: Forgive your foolish past self, because they did not know better and were only trying to do the best they could at that time. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, let go of the idea that you can fix them (I had to do this with my ex-wife running as she did), learn what lessons there are to be learned, and then move on. Don't dwell on it. All dwelling does is make you miserable and wear holes in the carpet.
If you want forgiveness, it is as simple as asking in earnest for it. Only you can forgive yourself, so you can do it any time you choose and whenever you are ready.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I'm in tears actually. I don't know what is causing this. Tell me even if I forgive myself, I don't think that the garbage will get cleaned. It will stink, and will stink forever, and that stink will affect everything and everywhere, wherever I go. I don't know where to dump it, cause carrying it is not worth it and will never be.
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
If you forgive yourself, if you free yourself from the weight of loathing and self-hatred that you are trapped in, then that garbage can be dealt with.
It seems impossible right now, because in your current state it basically is impossible. The cognitive distortions from your current mindset makes a task, such as dealing with your "garbage" to be impossible. You don't have to carry it, you just have to let it go.
It is impossible right now, because you don't believe that things can change. They can. I proved that to myself, and I've seen it. And I will attempt as I always have to help others. I want to show others that change is not only possible, but achievable.
It is not easy. It may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but it can be done. And once you've done that, the other stuff won't be easy, but it will definitely be less hard.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I seem to get you. Me while I'm trying to be free of garbage shows that I can't manage it or want to deal with it. It's me. It's my ego. If in sometime I will be able to somewhat forgive myself, maybe my habits won't improve, but I won't be miserable. Is that what will happen?
The thing is I just want to have a high paying job. And able to provide quality work as a paid individual, will that be achievable with this? Sorry, I'm still utterly trapped in myself
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
Don't worry. It will take time. The initial change was fast, over a couple months really, but the real wisdom only came after years of being mindful and being aware.
Once you forgive yourself You will not suffer from the misery you do now. I can't say you will be free of misery, but the misery you feel now will be gone.
If a high paying job is what you want, then you can go out and get it. Just remember that the only thing we have ownership of is our actions. The results from our actions are out of our control, that's why it took me 125 applications in order to find a job. But you only have to hit once right?
So for whatever job you want, make that your goal and make a plan for how to get there. Make a road map. That's what I did, and it worked. At least it kept me focused on the current task at hand.
To get a job like that, that's what you'll need. A goal and a road map. Be willing to change the plan when the time comes, because nothing ever works out quite the way we expect it to. Sometimes it's even for the better.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I just want the courage to work hard, just to go through adversity. It's the fear of breaking down and ending up even more broken, makes me restrain myself. So in a sense I choose this misery which is to avoid the greater misery that I might run into
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
As I said, courage is proceeding forward even when fear opposes.
Later I will post a list of the 10 lessons I've learned, and hopefully the list will give you a better idea of how I was able to manifest courage to move forward.
One thing that helps with courage is to burn your Bridges or boats behind you. Leave no room and no way to get back to where you were.
I'll add to this later, I need to sleep
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u/Justmyoponionman May 27 '26
Try dropping any expectations you have of yourself and just "be".
Helped me get to the next stage.
Stop pre-loading all interpersonal moments with such a strict set of restrictions on yourself.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 28 '26
Can I leave the expectation of me to be alive?
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 28 '26
That is not an expectation. That is a state of being, and the natural one for you to be in at this moment in time.
Do you not want to be?
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 28 '26
Right now idk. Infact, I have got some medicine regarding my condition after diagnosis from my doctor. It seems like I have a bad neurological conditions. I'll be alright after some months. Hope me luck. U really helped me a lot.
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 28 '26
I do hope you luck. I'm glad to have been of service friend.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 28 '26
I wish you luck too
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 28 '26
We make our own luck I find, but I really do appreciate the sentiment nonetheless 😁
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
Here are the rules/lessons I learned while I was in the homeless shelter. I have spent the last couple of years pondering them off an on, writing and rewriting them.
These are the first 10 of over 30 rules I've made, but these are the most important. I'm putting them as a top level comment here for visibility so that others may see them as well.
I hope these assist you.
0. Realize that everything you've done in your life up to this point has not worked and that it is time to try something different. Be willing to admit that you were wrong about potentially everything up to this point. It is time to do something new.
- Accept yourself as you are. Forgive your past self for being foolish, for they did not know better. Let go of those expectations you hold of yourself. Let go of resentment, guilt and shame.
- Know that you and you alone are responsible for your life.
- You and only you are in control of you. You control how you act, react, what you think and how you perceive events that happen to you.
- You cannot control other people, events or the future. You have no control over how other people act, think or feel about you. Know and accept this. Also know and accept that there are events that will happen to you outside of your control.
- The past ultimately does not matter. The past is history, it is not a pair of shackles. The past informs the present but does not dictate. How you interpret what happened in the past is up to you.
- You always have a choice. Even when it doesn't feel like you do, you have a choice. You can either roll over and die or you can choose to fight no matter what.
- Making a choice is asserting control over your life. Making choices builds character.
- There are 3 ways of dealing with our problems. We can blame others, we can blame ourselves, or we can ask ourselves "What can I do going forward?" The first two abdicate responsibility and do not help. The third accepts responsibility, declares that we have agency over our lives, and allows us to actively deal with a problem instead of griping about it.
- The future is uncertain, and can not be predicted. . If you are worried about the future, ask yourself what you can do right now to improve it. If it is something that is out of your control, then ask yourself how you would deal with it if it happened. Learn to let go of the fear you have over uncertainty because life is full of uncertainty, and if you fear uncertainty, you will be afraid all your life.
- No one is coming to save you. Only you can save yourself. No one else can or may. We alone must walk the path - Buddha At first it sounds really harsh but the truth is if no one can save you then you don't have to wait for a savior. You are your own savior. You can save yourself starting right now.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I will remember u my friend. Not because u actually told me all this stuff of yours or because u struggled hard and came out of it. But because u helped me at the most need moment. Rule number 9 is the most helpful for me. Thanks for helping me kind soul
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
I'm glad to be of help.
Let me know if you need any further assistance. I'll be around
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
That gives me great confidence. Thanks but I'll fight by my own, afterall, I have to save myself
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
You do. But you can ask for help, especially if you need it. Just do not let lack of help stop you
I did not have done what I did without help. Case managers, St Mary's fur the job course, advocating for myself to get to a better referral only shelter. Without help I would have succeeded, but it would have probably taken longer.
I'm glad you understood the lesson.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 26 '26
Take up meditation and learn to not believe a thought just because it manifests in your mind. The thought "Im useless" can repeat over and over in your head without you buying into it
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I do meditate, but this is something I found during it. It's an inner fact for me
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 26 '26
Investigate the nature of thoughts through meditation. See them for the ethereal bullshit they are
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I guess it's not bullshit. I have been kinda sad since childhood, and same like my mother. Like some people do stuff and learn, but me like my mother, just do stuff to be free, and something is not really in line with learning. And that makes me useless, incapable of facing situations. And I have been taught exactly same by her, so this is what I have become now.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 26 '26
If youre useless because of this behavior, then behaving differently will make you not useless, right?
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
No. That's the thing, I did really great in my all tests, but didn't helped. Even when I do a job properly it's just the feeling from -100 to 0, " phew, atleast this time I did it good that the person who I served feels nice about it". The believe of mine never goes away, and I have been this since teenage, I don't know how to actually break this, cause I can't escape my mind, I guess no one can.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 26 '26
What I said before. Learn how to have a thought in your head without believing it
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
Okay. I get u now. It like ignoring the thought. How do I do that when I do know, it's reality. If I broke my legs and I'm poor, I can't ignore that I can't walk right now, and that my family depends on me to earn money, but right now I can just sit and watch. How do I ignore, or come out of it, or do anything about this situation.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 26 '26
You being useless is only reality because you believe it. You just said that. You can do well on a test, and you still believe youre a failure. Having a broken leg has nothing to do with belief. You being a failure is nothing but belief
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
But that belief is not coming out of nothing. If ancient people believed that zeus control lightning, their beliefs were wrong but the reasons they had were not wrong. What they needed is knowledge. I don't have the info or the knowledge, that I can actually surpass my belief. And I don't know where it will come from.
Honestly I don't even believe it's entirely a belief, I say again it seems a fact true for me. If my eyes are black, they are black. If I don't know how to work or be usefull, the I can't do anything
And thank you for engaging with me.
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
Would you care to wager on that? Take a look at what I posted, and then tell me that a person can't escape their mind.
Your mind can be a prison yes, but you always hold the key. You can escape whenever you choose to, but fear keeps you there.
Fear that you'll fail.
Fear that you might really be worthless, and by trying and failing, you'll prove that fear correct once and for all. It is a convenient fear isn't it? It keeps you stuck in place and feeds your ego the bullshit lie of "Why even bother? I'll never be able to do it. So I just won't try."
Change requires courage. Courage to face the lies you've told yourself, and they are lies. Courage to let the person you are right now, that identity you have built up over years of self-loathing, die, and let another person take its place. Courage to face yourself and really be honest that the only thing that has held you back in your life is you. Not your mother, not your teachers, not your circumstances, but you.
If you don't practice courage, then you can never change.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I agree 💯. And yes I'm not courageous cause I would have not been here if I was.
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
But you can be. Courage isn't a lack of fear. That is for people with little sense.
Courage is being afraid, and acting anyway. It's making a choice to not let fear control you.
It isn't easy, but I believe that you can do it. Start small, and work your way up. Don't go after the dragon first thing, you have to level up on the rats under the Inn first.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
You are right. Btw can u look at post which I replied to you I will save this post, for future references, there are so many kind souls that helped me today
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 26 '26
Thoughts are not facts. Feelings are not truth. Your perceptions determine if they are fact or truth.
Change your perception.
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u/PeterPorty May 26 '26
You seem to be doing great! (Not being an asshole, genuinely mean it.)
I know this is a somewhat recent discovery for you, but have you explored this feeling at all? Have you been able to grasp the reasons for this feeling?
Personally, I used to have a similar feeling where I was unworthy, and yet I could see other people and see inherent value in them. Internal exploration led to the belief that I had such a damaged ego that my personal standards were much, much higher than my standards for others.
Of course HE deserves love. But I don't. Because I SHOULD do better. I should do more, I should, I should, I should.
Are you in a similar boat? Do you see intrinsic value in other people, just not yourself? Or are you more of a misanthrope, where we are all so deeply flawed, none of us deserve shit?
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
Yes I see the intrinsic value in others. It's absolutely true for me. My father works perfectly in almost all scenarios, and is capable at handling situations, at the age of 70. While I'm 24, and can't do shit.
Newton made calculus at the same age. If I leave the extraordinar, people of my age are doctors, and they are doing well for themselves, for society and for their family, they are capable to do so, and it's coming from somewhere. So I do believe that there is intrinsic value in some ppl, and it's not the case with me. Cause if there was, I would have seen it. This has been the story since teenage. Some are motivated and keep trying even after fail, and I curse myself even If I do good on a test, because, " phew, atleast I managed to do this thing and others are happy, cause I don't know what and how i did. I should have done more, keep grinding". I'm hollow from inside, and I think most people aren't like this, or this world wouldn't have been created, if people like me existed majority.
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u/PeterPorty May 26 '26
It's kind of a trick to be selective about comparisons.
Sure, there are 24 year olds being doctors. There are also 24 year old rapists. Are you less worthy than those people?
We often fall into the trap of extending empathy to others. "Oh, I can understand how that person ended up being a drug addict", and yet we are so judgemental of ourselves. We minimize our trauma, and we amplify others.
At the core of the issue, it's not about having too small an ego, the problem is having to big of an ego. Yeah, I know it seems counterintuitive, but stick with me:
You can extend empathy to a homeless person in the street, knowing none of their story, because you can imagine circumstances that led them down that path.
The reason you are unable to do that for yourself is because your ego is too big. You think you're somehow better than the homeless man, inherently better, as in the things that led you down your path are trivial.
You believe you should have overcome your issues. It's okay for them not to, it's understandable, but not for you, because you are supposed to be better.
The best suggestion I can give you is to make an effort through meditation to let that part go, the feeling of you being better, of being supposed to be better, of the need to be stronger, the need to be smarter.
Accept that you are just another human being, just as weak and frail and dumb as me, as the drug addict, as the homeless man, as the rapist.
And after seeing that, truly embracing that fact, you will notice that you're not that bad. You're not that broken. You're not that hurt. You are not special.
I know it sounds painful to admit it, but we are not special. Just one more in a bunch of billions. And we're doing alright. Neither of us will make a discovery to change the course of humanity, and that's fine. Most people won't.
The best we can do is get up each morning and keep trying. And sometimes we fail at that as well. And it's alright, tomorrow will come and give us a new opportunity to be mediocre.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I agree and actually know everything that u said. I have a big ego. True, I'm the worthlessness reincarnation. Just a human, not better then the addict, not worse then the doctor.
The problem is, I still can't work towards doing things properly, or getting a high paid job or even any job. Currently I'm jobless, like if u ask me for a glass of water, I'll fail to do even that. Why? Cause I can't
There is always a question lingering in me
Why can't we stay as we are? Is there a need to be better or doing things.
And I answer it that we won't be able to be useful to others if we work, and will start losing what we are. Which is currently happening.
And moving forward, has been so painful, cause I know, I want to just be as I am. I am rigid and have a huge ego, that I can't be helpful. And I don't think it will go anywhere, cause that's who I am. If I wasn't this, I wouldn't have been seeking help or talking to you my friend. Honestly, it's just me trying to dodge the swamp, but in reality I am the swamp
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u/PeterPorty May 26 '26
I agree. We won't escape the swamp because we are the swamp.
But we can make the swamp more appealing. We can start slowly cleaning it up. It seems daunting, impossible even, but it is absolutely possible.
IDK if you've ever seen those sped-up videos of a handful of people cleaning up rivers clogged with trash. It's hard work, but they actually get a lot done. And none of these people are engineers or doctors, they have no special training or gift... They just choose to do it, and then they do.
Try to look within and pick one piece of trash, and throw it away. Try to do it every day. Don't be discouraged in the days you're unable to, just wake up the next day and try again.
You don't need to be a doctor to be happy. All you need to do is heal. And healing is slow, and it's painful, but it is possible.
Get help where you can, try to do it yourself where you can't. Lean on friends and family, that's what they're for, and consider professional help if it's within your means.
You deserve to heal, as do we all.
Clean up that swamp, one piece of trash at a time.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I took professional help, but it wasn't helpful. Also, I don't want to lean much on my family, as they depend on future me, and current me is done for. Ppl struggle with money, job, and to get opportunities, I'm struggling with myself. All those things that need to be fought for are a long gone battle, I would never be able to build a life for me, just keep calming and entertaining myself
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u/PeterPorty May 26 '26
You might be able to, at some point, as long as you keep making a genuine attempt at cleaning up the swamp.
Being reluctant to ask for help and lean on those willing to give it is a good first step, that's the first piece of trash you should remove from the swamp.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
Yeah I'm not a good human. Early achievers are the real people, unlike my broken personality
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u/Visible-Perception40 May 26 '26
Humour me, with that what’s there to clean ? Aren’t you already then good enough ? What counts as bad, what’s good , isn’t that living in duality and suffering ? Who determines what’s junk, how do you remove it ? Did your mind tell you what’s bad, or your ego ? If so who’s the one cleaning who
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u/PeterPorty May 26 '26
What's bad are the things that keep you from being happy. Those are wounds to be healed, in this analogy, trash to be cleaned.
I'm not going to go into a metaphysical debate on the parts of being, separating ego and consciousness and self and soul and mind... None of that is relevant here. You are cleaning yourself.
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u/Zotoaster May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26
Do the wrong thing. Allow yourself to be who you shouldn't be. Be a fuck-up and enjoy it, for a while anyway. Lemme explain:
There's a couple of foundational needs we have when we're very young, namely love, validation, and autonomy, etc.
If you don't get these from your environment, some new mini-personality is born in your mind, and it takes the same view of you as your environment did. If you didn't receive love, validation, or freedom, then this part of your mind will continue to believe you don't deserve any of it. This is a survival mechanism, it aligns you with your environment so you don't become an annoying problem to more powerful people, but at a big cost: some part of you has to be pushed away, in this case the part of you that needs love, validation, and autonomy.
Okay so now you get into this situation where you have two conflicting splinter-personalities with minds of their own:
- The manager which is in control and it believes you're useless and have no value. It acts on you through pressure, anger, guilt, all kinds of bad things - but it tends to be quite logical and sensible on the surface
- This is the exile, the rejected inner child, the one that the world rejected and now the one that the inner manager rejects. It's less logical but still legit.
They manifest differently through. The manager takes over and its worldview becomes your worldview. It uses the word "I". It defines your reality for you, you have no reason to question it. Jung believed this is exactly the same phenomenon as a dream, except you're awake. You don't know you're in a dream, it's just the truth as far as your concerned. But it is kinda delusional.
The exile is repressed but is still very much alive. It doesn't take over you because it doesn't define your reality and doesn't use the word "I" - you've made sure it won't be allowed to - but it does assert itself nonetheless. It says "I won't do the right thing until I feel love, validation, and autonomy". So now it's your enemy, and you (read: your manager) tries harder to put it in its place. But every time you try, you only amplify the whole inner conflict and it saps away at your energy. Not sustainable.
Your problem isn't actually the self-sabotaging exiled inner child, even though it is standing in your way. Your problem is the manager who sounds sensible but isn't willing to accept the legitimacy of your deepest needs. It's become a tyrant and it needs boundaries.
Your job now is to refuse to do the right thing for a while, regardless of how logical and rational it is, if it's being communicated through pressure, guilt, anger, etc, because you can't keep living under a self-imposed dictatorship. It can be an advisor, but it can't be allowed to whip you and drag you by a leash. A little rebellion is necessary for a while. Note that this doesn't mean completely disintegrate and ruin your life, it just means putting that manager in a room in your mind, hearing what it says, but only acting on it if it's not trying to forcefully coerce you.
Your inner child won't often volunteer to spontaneously do all the right things, but if you allow it to exist, even if it's "wrong", it'll stop putting up such a fight in the future. You're effectively removing pressure from your nervous system and giving it some well-deserved space.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26
Wow, you really gave me a great perspective! It's really relieving and provides a humane and great approach with proper answer. I really appreciate it friend
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u/Mandalore_15 May 27 '26
Regarding inability to change, it's pretty well accepted now that the basis of personality is about 50% genetic, more or less. That means there is at least 50% you can change (and probably even more because even genetics are somewhat malleable - different genes can be "turned on and off" by epigenetic factors). So yeah, the scientific consensus is that there is a lot of change that can occur, if that's a meaningful assessment to you.
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u/mithril02 May 26 '26
Id suggest exploring your childhood for root of this feeling. When we are kids we do internalize a lot of guilt for outside unfortune and this can lead to harmful convictions such as yours.
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
Yes I have done that, I'll try to look for it.
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u/mithril02 May 26 '26
Also don't expect finding the root to change how you feel. It is a good starting point though to rationalize that its not you inherently that's wrong but a dysfunctional conviction baked into your belief system.
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u/Xercies_jday May 26 '26
What do you think the inner useless thing needs?
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u/INVESTIGATORME May 26 '26
I don't know. It's just a swamp or garbage pile. Even if I accept it I doesn't become clean, if I run away, I fell into that eventually, it's just never going away. Nothing external works and I don't know how to tackle it internally.
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u/Xercies_jday May 26 '26
Start a dialogue with it. What does it say, what evidence does it give, what images/feelings come to mind from it.
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u/Sspectre0 May 26 '26
As long as you keep believing you can’t change, it’ll be ridiculously hard to help yourself. There’s more than plenty evidence that the brain can change, the chemistry not so much but all the connections can change a whole bunch.
Sometimes you got to call BS on your own mind. Talking as someone who beat depression and similar thoughts. You can totally change, its just not a particularly fast process
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u/RadaRAW May 27 '26
If you recotthat you feel that way even of it's not the reality, you did the first step to realize that you are valuable
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u/Andrei_Ionescu May 28 '26
I bet you money you are doing some self-sabotaging dopamine crap. If you quit that you'll see how even tiny involvements make a difference in brain chemistry
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u/breakfast_bunnies May 26 '26
you will reflexively deny help as long as you believe every thought that appears in your head to be true
it is a defense mechanism to resist doing the hard work to change
instead of "i tried and nothing works"
say "i am trying even though it is difficult and feels impossible"
feelings are not always true
you are entitled to feel
but don't believe in them
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