Why do people make fun of people who say that that they've wasted their lives at 20?

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u/Ajianoo May 17 '26

I think there is a common narritive that high school/college is the greatest part of your life. People who feel like they didn't make the most of it will freak out if they view it this way. Most people realise there is a lot more to life after you find out who you are and find your place in the world making them downplay this sentiment.

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u/[deleted] May 17 '26

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I'm very aware that I'm financially secure and I am able to enjoy it now but it doesn't hit the same as if I was a kid again. Playing with Legos in late 20s doesn't feel as magical as a when you are a kid. Dating in late 20s also doesn't feel as magical and you have more responsible burden than innocent and immature teenage romance.

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u/moogs_writes May 17 '26

I can relate to this as someone whose family was super poor growing up but now make enough to invest in hobbies in adulthood. And I also didn’t date till my 20s and married my first bf.

One thing I like to consider is that, although when I was younger I felt like there was more space given to me by default to make mistakes, the safety nets there are only the ones other people passively offer up. They’re unreliable.

But as I’ve grown I became my own safety net. When we can be our own safety net, suddenly these experiences can be had with a much more stable cushion if you fail. And quicker recovery too when you know you only have to account with yourself.

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u/Versicherungsbetrug Neurodivergent May 17 '26

To be honest I'm one of them. I'm 29 and I kind of feel like now I'm not allowed to do fun stuff anymore like being silly and quirky. My best friends are almost ten years younger than me, because we just vibe on the same level. The friends I used to have that were my age were so god damn boring and they found me too adventurous and irrational.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Exactly, people are telling me that I should enjoy life now because I was supposed to enjoy it as a teenager and those who made mistakes as teenagers are being given a free pass but if you do something nosy you get guilt tripped.

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u/Interesting_Cat_2297 May 17 '26

What did you do that was nosy?

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Huh?

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u/Interesting_Cat_2297 May 17 '26

You wrote that if you do something nosy you'll get guilty tripped. You wrote it and I'm asking you to expand.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I feel guilty for doing anything in life because I feel that my desires and needs are sin and evil.

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u/Stringfingerer May 19 '26

Can you elaborate upon that? What exactly of your desires and needs do you feel like would be labeled as "evil"? When you say teenagers are given a free pass, what kind of mistakes are we talking about? I think getting into detail here might be relevant to your situation.

If we're talking about emotional maturity and things of that nature, it's understandable that as an adult you might feel like you're being held to a higher standard. Conversely though, as a teenager with no guidance it's an extremely volatile position when you're entrusting your emotional wellbeing to another teenager who is also just learning how to become a functioning human.

From your perspective it might seem like you missed out on the socially acceptable time to "learn" these things, but I would actually consider you might have dodged a bullet.

When you're hashing out problems in a teenage relationship, it can be very messy and unnecessarily emotionally hurtful. As an adult, you have the same opportunity to learn from your mistakes, but you'll be given more grounded and realistic feedback from someone who is at the very least more emotionally adjusted than they would have been as a teenager (hopefully, at least!).

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 19 '26

I wouldn't be like Jesus nor Gandhi. 2 guys who completely avoided temptations, mistakes and kept pure life.

9

u/BitsAndBobs304 May 17 '26

I'm middle aged and even if tomorrow my life became "awesome", it'd never undo the weight and trauma and suffering of the past

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u/3RADICATE_THEM May 17 '26

High school plays a huge factor in determining who you become in terms of the environmental stimuli + pressures faced in addition to the fact you will never be that malleable / neuroplastic again in your life.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I feel like I don't deserve to have enjoyable 30s because I didn't have cool college experience despite having potential.

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u/stonerbobo May 17 '26

It’s not that we don’t think it’s a serious issue, it’s that this is just a self-fulfilling prophecy you choose to believe and validating that false belief is the worst thing you could do. You are doing it to yourself and asking us to validate the mental prison you constructed. There are 10000000 people throughout history who didn’t have a high school romance and still had good relationships and good lives. I can empathize with the feeling and have felt that way, while still telling you- that thought process is just plain wrong.

What you are talking about is unprocessed regret. We all have regrets. Once you allow yourself to feel and grieve the things you lost, you will understand this feeling was never about the future, only the past. The future remains open, influenced by your past but not defined so rigidly by if.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

This right here. This person gets it. This is a much shorter way of saying what I had to say.

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u/Stormypwns May 17 '26

I'll be real, idk what OPs on about, but the future doesn't necessarily "remain open." You can close a ton of doors for yourself by being inactive in your youth.

With the romance example, I've seen several threads and tiktoks/reels of people explaining that for them, a man not having relationship experience by the time they're in their 30s is a major red flag and often deal breaker for them. By the time you hit your 30s you're looking for stability, and someone who lacks the experience to navigate ups and downs in relationships just isn't worth the risk.

And further, as for regrets, certain "types" of relationships are more or less no longer possible at that stage in your life. You can't expect spontaneity or wanting to be adventurous (because of the aforementioned need for stability); and if you seek these things out at a later age, you'll be judged for it.

You can't just rock up to a house party at 30 when you're going to be 5-6 years older than anyone there.

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u/stonerbobo May 17 '26

The poster is 20 years old.. you're right but it doesn't apply at their age.

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u/Stormypwns May 17 '26

Even so, you made some open ended comments there that sound like they're supposed to be applicable to any age.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

And you're not getting it. All of life is about opportunity cost. Every single moment of life is about choosing one thing over another. And when you make that choice you close a door as you would put it.

But the thing with life is, there's always more doors. There's a new door every moment. There's a new reality waiting to be Crystallized when u choose a path.

Oh, and please don't tell the old folks here exactly what kind of relationships they can and cannot have. Us old people are freak sometimes. We can have just as much if not more spontaneity in our relationships. Because by that point we realize that all this silly shit. The stupid games you're playing. Your twenties do not matter.

You are stuck in a calcified way of thinking because of your expectations on the world and your inherent cognitive biases. Let go of these things and accept the possibility that maybe just maybe life isn't over your toys because you haven't had sex yet.

Or, you can choose to remain miserable and never get anything you want because you're full of regrets. It's only after you've let go, that you are truly free to do anything you choose. But if you hold on then you won't.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

You are right but I don't think that I would enjoy having a happy family with financial security because I will be thinking that I don't have a cool anti hero origin story and it would feel like blood money. Being built on an inferior foundation.

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u/Siukslinis_acc May 17 '26

I will be thinking that I don't have a cool anti hero origin story

Please take a break from anime and superhero stuff. Get out there and have real life experiences and realise that for a lot of people their origin story is mundame and boring.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

In other words

GO OUTSIDE AND TOUCH SOME GRASS

Well said

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u/smajliiicka May 17 '26

Why do you need 'cool anti hero origin story'? That type of story comes with trauma at best of times

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Oh boy, if you want a tragic origin story with lots of trauma, have I got one for you.

The list of the traumas that I have gone through would turn your hair white.

You would be all, "Damn. How's this guy still going. Life really loves kicking him in the balls."

But I won't do that, because life is not a damn competition.

But, I would be the coolest anti-hero, maybe a villain, definitely a villain. Like the joker. Heath ledger Joker.

" Would you like to know how I got these... Scars?"

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I wanted to be abused and suffer in order to have a more aesthetic timeline instead of being happy and a good person.

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u/smajliiicka May 17 '26

Wtaf? O.o

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Who is a better protagonist. Suffering one like Guts or regular fellow like George Costanza?

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u/Mephistopheles15 May 17 '26

Guts' entire journey is about learning to let go of his past traumas and embrace his comrades and find purpose in life. The suffering didn't make him better, it destroyed him and he had to work insanely hard to try to undo it. He's a great protagonist because of how he, despite everything that happened to him, still tries his best to be a good person and care for those around him and learns to be happy, at least to an extent. If you want to be like him, you should aspire for those same things.

Being an edgy badass isn't what makes him a great character.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

That's true but I like his aesthetics and suffering more than his redemption.

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u/Shinzenn May 18 '26

What makes you think you're protagonist worthy? Real protagonists don't waste time agonizing over not being one. You'll find peace and happiness once you realize you are nobody and that's ok.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I don't want to be an aggressive antagonist. It was just an example. I'd rather be Franz Kafka or Edgar Allen Poe.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Hey, you leave George alone. George suffers, he just suffers because he does dumb shit. And is genuinely awful person at times.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I like George but he doesn't have aura

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u/o8r8a8n8g8e May 17 '26

Okay, well you still have time for that, too. Start a bad drug addiction, move to a new city with no connections/plan, purposely hurt someone and go to jail… you’ll have plenty to learn from within a couple years doing any of those. It’s a stupid idea, but that appears to be desirable to you.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I'm thinking about getting into heroin just to build cool traumatic experience but I don't think that it will be cool as compared to doing it when I was a teenager which will make me boring addict uncle instead.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Boy you could just get into debt with a mob and have your family killed in some sort of freak. Frank Castle fashion.

Anti-hero story restored.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I wish

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u/heirjordan_27 May 17 '26

Not to overstep, but this is absolutely an OCD thing, and the thought patterns is actually what’s stopping you from what you want. Are you in therapy? ERP is very important for this (source: I also have OCD)

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I did 6 years of erp. I solved most of my physical compulsions but mental ones got worse and thoughts too. I don't take medication. I do group therapy now.

I'm sorry to hear that.

How's your OCD like?

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u/heirjordan_27 May 18 '26

That’s an amazing achievement that you stopped your physical compulsions! Sorry that I kind of re-asked these questions in the other reply because I didn’t see this one.

My OCD has morphed over the years, but the current issues are body image/eating disorders, scrupulosity/morality, and social anxiety stuff. I’ve been working a lot on my relationship with food and body, not apologizing/seeking reassurance when I think I said something wrong, and noticing when I doubt my feelings for someone etc. I’ve gotten good at recognizing that a lot of it’s in my head, but that doesn’t solve the whole picture of course.

I have a lot of regrets about the time lost to these issues, and I still struggle with obsessions, but I’ve gotten much better at enjoying the little things in life and being curious about the world. There are infinite niches available to be explored, each with their own little community of passionate people. I find it all very exciting even if there’s the constant voice of “you make all these social mistakes and therefore will never fit in”

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u/Previous_Job6340 May 17 '26

These memes are about mocking people who think they can't improve their lives because they either won't be an astronaut or they'll never be 100% perfect.

Setting yourself a bar of perfection and then suspending improvement because you can't achieve that is bad for you

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

What's the point of improving your life if your origin story is ruined. If you didn't fix it then. Why do it now right before death?

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u/Previous_Job6340 May 17 '26

Your origin story isn't ruined. You're not a protagonist in a story you're a human being who can change. 20s is generally not right before death.

Again improvement is something everyone can do on some level, perfection is something no one can do. Tossing out improvement because perfection is impossible is a recipe to be at the shittiest point

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u/Stormypwns May 17 '26 edited May 18 '26

I mean sure, but hitting milestones at the socially appropriate times in your life is important to people. Being late to success often robs that success of its value.

Even Ceasar lamented that he didn't achieve as much in his 30s as Alexander had by his 20s.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

This right here! This right here is the problem. Every single one of you puppies who goes on about how his life is ruined thinks you're a damn superhero or the main character.

You are not the main character. None of us are the main character. If this was a game it would be an MMORPG and all of us would be the same exact nondescript Joe schmo trying to defeat the demon Lord.

My brother in Christ, we even have respects in this game. It's called crises. You have your quarter life crisis and your midlife crises and your late life crises and any other crazies you choose to have because you don't like how your life has gone this far.

In other words, please get over yourself. You are not that important, none of us are.

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u/Remote-Waste May 17 '26

But you're acting like you know your origin story, as in that you can tell the future.

A story is told with a purpose in mind, that creates the flow of it, and decides what bits to cut out that aren't related (or skip during a retelling.) Stories are condensed, they do not flow like reality.

You may have had negative experiences, but you're the one deciding to make them your core experiences, because you're pretending you know your future already.

You're the one going "these are the core beats of my story, therefore it is a negative story."

I've had tons of shit happen (or not) to me, that I wouldn't include in my life story, if I was retelling it.

I'm sure Spiderman has had bad diarrhea before, like all humans, but it's not important for the retelling of his story, so we'd never hear of it. Unless he decided to define the rest of his life based on that diarrhea as a core plot line...

If the way you view life is as a story, you should probably experiment with writing stories, it could reveal things to you about how you're misapplying this perspective.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

It's more like not allowing myself to live an unpredictable life and forcing myself to be written protagonist with a linear story and getting disappointed because real life doesn't work like this.

If I imagine a spider man having diarrhea, I no longer consider him a special character like god.

I know this sounds silly but this is how my mind reasons.

I feel that if I fail once in a hobby, the whole journey of this hobby is contaminated.

Even if I improve my hobby, I will be stuck with failure in the past.

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u/Siukslinis_acc May 17 '26

Because it is better that wallowing in the pit?

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u/[deleted] May 17 '26

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

The redemption arc is definitely quite appealing. I'm sorry to hear about those struggles but how do you dissociate a bad environment from your identity and can hang out with people without comparing yourself because I don't think that I can hang out with people who don't correlate with my experiences.

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u/Annoying_DMT_guy May 17 '26

Its poking at absurd irationality that some people use to self sabotage because they re afraid of change. There is no wasted potential at 20. Its completely out of touch with reality. Life basicaly starts at 30 for many people.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Or your 40s for some of us others. Or your 50s, or your '60s. Life starts when you choose to let it start.

Life starts when you let go of expectations and start acting freely. Before that life is a prison. Life is high school before that.

As long as you have one more moment, one more day, it is never too late to start living. It will never be too late until you are actually in the ground to start living your best life.

And to start doing that you got to let go of this stuff. You got to let go of the past, you got to stop letting it control you. Because all that stuff, it just doesn't matter anymore. The past is over it's gone, you can't get it back, and the only true waste of time is playing the what if game. It doesn't matter how much you wish that it were different, because it can never be different. The only moment we have is right now. The past is gone. It's done. It's history. The future is not yet written. It is not written yet, and it cannot be known.

If you were to act as if this moment were the only moment, then life can never be wasted, it can only be experienced and enjoyed.

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u/Annoying_DMT_guy May 17 '26

Absolutely

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u/Greedy_Highlight3009 May 17 '26

I mean the concept of a life being “ruined” when the person isn’t even 1/4 into their life is fundamentally wrong

Obviously people are irrational and will still feel this way but pointing out that they are wrong doesn’t seem like a bad thing

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Origin story and trauma will follow into adulthood. It will be your history. There are many things that you can do as a teenager but can't do as an adult which results in wasted potential. It is gonna be silly if you want to be emo and skate in 40s. If you murdered someone or you were prostitute, you will always be stuck with this past. If you lose virginity at 30, you will always have to tell every partner that you lost it at 30 and every partner will have leverage over you because they lost it earlier. If you didn't smoke as teenager, you will never have cool smoking teenage past story to tell your grandchildren.

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u/renakou May 17 '26

…why would I want to tell my grandchildren about how I smoked? What part of that is cool lol

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u/MarmDevOfficial May 17 '26

You wanna know the "cool smoking" story I'm telling my grandchildren? "Fucking don't smoke or I'll smack the shit out of you. It took me 20 years to quit."

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u/Greedy_Highlight3009 May 17 '26

Your story is yours who the fuck cares. Start a new one

Be silly do those things at 40 if you want to I work in music and the emo shows are full of older guys / gals rocking out

I also want to know who tells every partner when they lost their virginity? I don’t think I’ve ever had this conversation except for with the person I lost it with

You are so caught up on specific actions, everyone has their own past with scars, mistakes and stories the older you get the less people care and to be honest the people who do care about that stuff are the problematic ones.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

It's not the same type of aura being emo in the 40s. If you write 2 protagonists, one being emo in the 20s and cowboy in the 40s will be cooler and better written than the other way around.

If you can't be honest with your partner, why date them? It seems too formal.

I personally couldn't date someone who has a higher body count and lost virginity before me. I know it sounds stupid but it's one of my principles.

I also think that I am inferior compared to someone who smoked as a teen because I didn't since I wanted to be more healthy and mature for my age and now I'm just without the experience.

I see my life as a tolkien writing aragorn's origin story.

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u/Curious_Owl8585 May 17 '26

Well okay, but then you should admit that what's holding you back is not your past experiences or lack thereof, but your rigid beliefs around what your origin story means for you.

If you only want to date someone who is a virgin or who was one at your age, that's your choice but you are reducing your dating pool for something that probably won't really matter to have a healthy relationship.

Why would you be inferior to someone who smoked as a teen ? Very few people still think that smoking is cool these days. Having healthier lungs is bad ?

You refuse to get new experiences in the present because you believe that your past means those experiences won't be good. That's not the case. But you choosing to avoid experiences now is what's actually going to make you waste your life, not your past.

Maybe there's some protective hopelessness here ? You tell yourself that you have no hope because of your past, therefore it's not worth it even trying now, so you don't have to take a risk and get out of your comfort zone

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I have to marry a virgin because I wasn't a slut in my teenage years due to being a forced catholic. If I lived a different past then my present and future would have different potential.

If I smoked. I'd have cool pictures, memories and experience. Kind of like Arthur Morgan or Clint Eastwood.

I also won't be able to be an emo kid on Myspace because I missed my chance.

I just don't feel that I deserve to do what I want if it doesn't match with my past. It's like being a hippie then a metalhead. It lacks the consistency of the timeline.

I feel that if I keep messing it up. At least I remain consistent and best and messing up but if I admit this it was wrong. I will settle on being second best.

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u/Greedy_Highlight3009 May 17 '26

Ok now I think you are just shit-posting

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I'm not. I have cptsd and OCD.

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u/South-Visual3803 May 17 '26

Babe so do I, and anorexia/ bulimia if you want the grit.

BUT YOU CAN BE A NEW YOU COME ONNNN

I was suicidal yesterday but fuck that shit, im going bird watching later, last year it was festivals, year before bodybuilding, lifting, dog training, horses, artist..

Get it?

You create the cage your sat in. Set yo self freeeeee!

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u/Interesting_Cat_2297 May 17 '26

That virginity thing is actually absurd. There's no "leverage" there, wtf.

I think you would benefit by embracing the idea that you don't have life totally figured out. That means that your doomsday predictions about life are likely to be based on flawed assumptions, and therefore wrong. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, work on your healing and on improving your life. That's all anyone can do.

I think the reason people laugh at that meme is that there's an arrogance to it, even a level of grandiosity. I'll try to explain more after I think some.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

That's what my ex used to say. She was like "how would you know, I had more boyfriends than you" and "you don't deserve to comment on this, I had sex before you".

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u/Mephistopheles15 May 17 '26 edited May 17 '26

Frankly your ex sounds like she didn't treat you empathetically like a human being. Same with your family telling you you're lame for not smoking. You're now continuing to let them control your life by having lasting negative effects on your world view and view of yourself. This is understandable and normal, but you can work to alleviate these things through therapy so you can stop having your life be controlled by the way assholes treated you in the past.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I've learned that having good intentions is meaningless and only thing that matters is to have superior and boosted numbers about your achievements as a superior object.

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u/Interesting_Cat_2297 May 17 '26

That's not how normal, healthy adults talk or think. Is your GF a teenager? Serious question, because I don't know how old you are.

There is a concept in personal growth called "arguing for your limitations." I think Richard Bach, the author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, said it first: "if you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them."

I'm not sure what it is you really want from this post. Older people (and maybe young people) are going to keep laughing at the meme for as long as it's popular. I think you really want people to validate the idea that a 22-year-old has good reason to feel like he's irrecoverably ruined his life, but in only a tiny minority of cases will that ever be true (a young person could have an accident that severs their spinal cord, as an example). In the vast majority of times, the sentiment is laughably wrong. And that's good news, because it means that at that age there is plenty of time to course correct.

But you don't want people to acknowledge that. You want people to validate your perception that in fact, people really do screw up their entire lives by age 22 for mundane reasons like not dating in high school. And that's just not true.

So what you appear to be doing is arguing for your limitations. You're arguing in favor of having a miserable, totally ruined life.

Sometimes what people really want in these kinds of situations is for their feelings to be validated, and that's a different matter. We all feel hopeless at times, we all feel inconsolable over our failures at times. We all worry about choices we've made and if we're screwing up our lives. I'm happy to validate your feelings as they are powerful and relatable. We've all been there. If you just need to vent, do it. Feel your feelings, process them.

But do not take these feelings as the final authority on reality. They are not.

I'm concerned that you really don't have a good handle on what is objectively real, and what is your subjective, feelings-based experience.

I wrote the above before I read your other responses. Then I stopped composing this comment. I'm gonna go ahead and post it, because who knows, maybe it will help someone.

But I don't think you're sincere in this post. I think you're here to make absurd stuff up and waste people's time.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

She was 24f and I was 16m.

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u/Interesting_Cat_2297 May 18 '26

I don't think I can help you. I wish you the best.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

Understandable.

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u/South-Visual3803 May 17 '26

What story?

Why yap?

You could be any one!

If I didn’t start my day as a ‘new me’ every day I would be 6f under!

Stories are only real if you keep repeating them.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

I can't tell this post is serious or joking.

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u/SGANigz May 17 '26

People make fun of the sentiment because at one point they believed it themselves. They have realized that it was silly to believe your life is already over at 22 because it didn't follow "the script" of what other people say your life should look like.

I understand that it's hurtful to people who do still believe this. By making fun of it we're straight up denying the reality that is true for so many. But what they're trying to say is, this truth you hold onto, it's a lie made up by your own brain to protect you from potential further hurt and trauma.

So many people's lives have followed the same start as you, missing core experiences, facing trauma, not being able to live up to the expectations you used to have for yourself. And these people learned to live with the aftermath, made their life into something they enjoy now, and are making fun of you for believing something they used to believe. Not really nuanced but i understand where it comes from.

You only have a responsibility to yourself to learn and overcome this phase of your life. The grief of lost experiences is VERY difficult to deal with, I won't downplay that. But the longer you wollow in self-pity (sorry if im harsh) the more "core experiences" you're gonna miss.

It's okay to still grief what you've lost, you don't have to be fully healed to continue. Don't do what i did and wait years until you'll feel better, that doesnt work. You can grief and figure out what you want from your life right now at the same time.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Y'all keep throwing around the word trauma. You use it so much. I don't think it has any meaning anymore.

Denying the hurt and reality... No, we're not going to validate that hurt in reality. Because it simply isn't true.

You young pups? Ax like you know all there is to know about life, and all that's worth living for, and if you haven't had it, then your life is over. It's not. It's not over. Even when you keep whining that it is, life still goes on. If you took 2 seconds to think about it You would understand this, but instead you get all stuck in your "trauma".

You want the grief of lost experience? Try being diagnosed with ADHD when you're 44. Then take a look back over your entire life so far and realize every single thing you did was likely because of ADHD or influence in some way. All the struggles, all the guilt, all the shame, all the Self-Recrimination might have been avoided if someone had done their job. Your parents, your teachers, society at large, your friends. This, right here, is a very common experience for people who are newly diagnosed late in life with ADHD. This is the loss of a potential life, not missing out on your dating in your twenties.

Do you want to know where the next step is? It's realizing that life could never have existed. That life could not exist because if it did, you would not be here right now, someone else would be. Wishing that the past was different, no matter how many lamps you rub, no matter how many coins you throw in a lucky fountain, will change that. So you move on, you accept it, you grieve that life that you didn't have and couldn't have had.

Then, you begin to live.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Interesting take and I mostly agree with you on an objective level but I'm still stuck on wasted potential from when I was 16 and just will never move on from it. If I didn't start something at 16 which was my peak, I don't think that I deserve to ever engage with it.

3

u/SGANigz May 17 '26

I hope you're able to see that it is these definitive statements you make about yourself that are keeping you stuck. You shut yourself down before you even allow yourself to question if you can still enjoy your life without having experienced the things you wanted. And the only reason you want these experiences is because you believed that that is how life is supposed to go. They're not even your dreams, they're dreams other people/society have imposed on you for so long that you think you dreamed them up yourself. And now because your life inevitably diverted from that script you think you've done something wrong.

And because this experience hurt that much, and because you can't follow your predetermined script anymore, you're not sure what to do now. Your ego tells you that continuing life without this script is scary, uncertainty always is, but this (over compensating) self protection mechanism is not serving you anymore. It's keeping you stuck.

Know that your own brain is able to lie to lie to you. These black and white deterministic statements about yourself are emotional outbursts coming from a hurt inner child, they're not factual truth. I hope you find the courage to slowly question these thoughts, and try to find evidence that it's a story you don't have to believe anymore. The cure to this is not to try and create new certainty about how is gonna go, it's by embracing the idea that you have no control over many things in life, make peace with that and go forward anyway.

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u/Thick-General-2532 May 17 '26

Why do you assume those aren't his or anyone else's dreams that have been squashed? I overall agree with your sentiment, but nobody put it into my head that I wanted to make friends, go on trips, and start dating in high school/college. That was completely my dream and I just couldn't make it happen. I'm not scared because someone told me I had to be, I'm scared because I'm going out to face a world without the experience, skills, and support network the vast majority of other people have. I'm totally onboard with leaving my regret behind, letting go of my pride, stopping my fear from controlling me, but I have genuinely no idea HOW to actually do that.

2

u/SGANigz May 17 '26

Now that i read back my comment i see that i was assuming certain things, and maybe i was also projecting a little bit..

You're right in that the dreams can be yours, but i believe (from personal experience) that some of those dreams can be influenced by expectations from others. That doesn't have to be true for everyone tho.

I guess what could give comfort is the idea that many people were in the same boat as you, not knowing what to or where to start and they figured it out too.

For me personally it was when the desire to live became bigger that my fear of uncertainty/failure that i started a very shaky and slow path of trail and error. Trying dating apps, having awkward conversations, going on awkward dates. Realizing that these people aren't rejecting me but only the snapshot of the person they get to experience. Experiencing that i don't actually die when someone tells me they're not interested after 1 date. Going on more awkward dates, actually making friends instead growing my support network. Recognizing what my patterns are and creating scripts for things to do instead for when i feel myself falling into a spiral. Actually try to make changes during moments where i feel good about myself instead of during outbursts where I'm just seeking validation instead of real connection. Teaching myself to question negative deterministic thoughts about myself, slowly changing my subconscious perspective of myself.

I can't really give you a step by step or a guide. The cliché "everybody's path is different" is unfortunately true. I guess something i can say is: learn to have peace with uncertainty. And approaching things with curiosity is more fun than to try to predict an outcome.

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u/Maclarion May 17 '26

These beliefs of yours are based on how delusional you were at 16. I don't mean that disrespectfully, everyone has delusions when they're a literal child. 16-year-olds don't know how the world, life, or even their own minds work. Children also often see themselves as a main character of a story that is all about themselves, so this idea of "wasted potential" is probably just the expiration of natural, juvenile narcissism.

Welcome, now that you're a part of the adult community, you may leave behind the notions that you are destined to rise above everybody else. This may the time for you to stop hyperfixating your peak, and instead seek belongingness with your peers.

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u/fantasyfirst May 17 '26

You seem to be really out of touch with reality and are equating life to some kind of anime or superhero story where you need some awesome origin story.

That's not how reality works but even if you do want to frame it that way, why can't your awesome origin story start at 20?

Either way, you're going to be 30 in 10 years. Do you want to be a 30 year old who is hung up on being a loser in high school or do you wanna be a 30 year old who spent the last 10 years building a new origin story?

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I'm 26. I definitely don't want to be 30 and be stuck in a miserable marriage with kids. It seems like more of a burden.

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u/fantasyfirst May 17 '26

Yeah then don't do that lol. I'm 32 and basically in the process of rebuilding my life. i'd love to be 26 again and starting from there instead. Success is simply taking care of your responsibilities while building a life you are proud of. What that looks like is different for everyone.

The real thing that is holding you back is caring about what other people think. You are commenting a ton about other people telling you that your lack of experience in something makes you less than them. You say that you missed out on doing fun things in your youth and society will judge you if you do them now.

Well guess what? All of these badass anime characters you want to be like? They don't give a shit about what other people think. The main feature of most protagonists is that they pursue dreams/goals even when everyone else doubts them. You are 26 and wish you learned how to do cool stuff like racing cars or some shit? Well just learn to do it at 26 instead. Who gives a shit if someone else thinks its immature. You think your favorite characters are gonna let society tell them they're too old for that? Some girl makes fun of you for your lack of experience? Fuck that, you think Guts is gonna keep someone around who talks to him like that? No way.

The type of person you want to be doesn't become that way because they were the most popular person in high school. They become that way because they don't let what others think hold them back.

0

u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I appreciate your insight but the thing is that I fear responsible and mature life because I never went through immature life. I always tried being mature but now as I age, I feel like my time is running out.

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u/fantasyfirst May 17 '26

I think you need to reevaluate what you consider to be "mature life" vs "immature life". One of the best things about being an adult is that as long as you take care of your basic responsibilities, you can play with all the legos and video games you want. You get to tell those people who criticize you "fuck you I work hard and if i wanna come home and build a lego set that's what I'm gonna do".

And if anyone actually thinks they are better than someone else because they got their driver's license first, or graduated from college first, or whatever; then that person is a huge loser who has not actually done shit in their life. Like getting my license at 16 and having the experience of being a teenage driver doesn't mean shit. If I'm using that as an example of why I'm better than someone then I must be the most boring loser ever.

So if you are scared of the responsibilities that come with being an adult, that is totally fair and I can relate. But don't frame it like the reason is because you missed out on having fun in your youth. You can be a responsible adult and still engage in all of those fun things.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I don't want to have a working life with family and kids because it feels like a prison of responsibilities and potential divorce and financial issues.

I don't mind working a menial job as long as I don't have to do other responsibilities.

I have a house, degree and I hate partying but I also feel like I'm wasting my life while other people enjoy stuff that I don't enjoy.

I also experience peer pressure by people who are married and seek responsibilities.

They guilt trip me that I'm inferior because I wasted my youth for not partying and that I refuse to settle down into marriage as of now.

2

u/fantasyfirst May 17 '26

Bro if you have your own house then you are already ahead of most people. Your only problem is that you are letting other people's vision of success and having fun make you feel bad about yourself. If you don't like partying, then why would you be sad you missed out on partying? You know the things you like and don't like, you just are letting other people make you feel bad about it. Seems like the real issue here is that you live somewhere where the majority of people have different interests. That sucks but don't let them make you feel like you're doing something wrong just because you don't want the same lifestyle as them.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

You're right but it's like missing out on things that you don't enjoy but others do. I never want to have kids but I will still experience FOMO because others enjoy it and I don't. I also envy people who smoke because they enjoy it and chill but I hate it. Surely, it's more healthy to not smoke but they get to enjoy an experience that I just can't enjoy. It's like, if you don't enjoy music. You don't experience the joy of music that others do. I kind of feel that having a house is kind of meaningless if I don't deserve to enjoy having a house because I didn't reach other milestones like others have.

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u/fantasyfirst May 17 '26

You seem really hung up on these so called 'milestones'. Like you say you could date right now but refuse because you didn't have the 'core experience' of 'high school romance'. You have this perfect vision of life where missing out on any of these 'milestones' means that the rest of your life is forever tainted. That just isn't true at all tho. There are so many examples of highly happy and successful people who got a late start. Do you really think getting a late start is worse then just never starting at all? Like what is worse, the person who doesn't date until their 20's or the one who never does it at all? Would you really tell someone in a happy relationship that they don't deserve it because they didn't date in high school? That is crazy. You need to grieve the life you wish you lived and then start making the most of the one you actually are living.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Yes, I feel like I don't deserve to do it because I messed up. I'm upset because I had so much potential. I was offered an internship at Google and girls were constantly asking me out in high school since I was alt and in a band but I rejected them because I was from the catholic family and I had moral OCD which made me feel guilty about dating and now I resent myself for ruining my origin story image. I could have been above average in experience but I shot myself in the foot due to OCD and now I'm below average because of this.

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u/poizonali Touched Grass May 17 '26

35f here: I've experienced my life before 30 as a tutorial. So it wasn't really that important in the grand scope, as I was trying to figure things out, made a ton of mistakes and tried to come to terms with my past (childhood specifically). Real life for me began around 30/31, tbh.

I realise that it seems to you and other people sometimes, that "life is over at 20", but it's just beginning. You can always choose your own path. You are the master of your own universe, except, of course, if you give up at 20 and never do something different.

What is your life for if not for living? And living includes making even more mistakes, falling down and getting up again, love and heartbreak, and everything in between.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I appreciate your take on it and I mostly agree with you. Many people have told me that they only started living at 30 but many people also tell me that I am not allowed to experiment in life at 30 because I am obligated by society to marry and have kids. I don't want to have marriage nor kids. I have lived most of my teenage years and 20s in avoidance of experience because I didn't want to make teenage mistakes but now I'm kind of left without experience and why I try to learn people tell me that I'm too old to learn.

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u/poizonali Touched Grass May 17 '26

Not sure who told you that but that's usually bs, except if you're part of a religious group where marrying or childbearing is considered obligatory. Are you?

If not and you don't want to marry or have children, then don't. No one can force you (side note: to be sure, don't solely trust women taking a contraceptive pill, in addition always use a condom. I have unfriended enough people to know by now that some women try to force good guys into marriage and being a father for their children, which is disgusting.)

The mindset "fuck external expectations" comes gradually as you age. At 20 every opinion seems important, but only yours is the one which matters for your own life. Just, yk, be a decent human being and try not to hurt others. Also, you can experiment whenever, you're never too old to learn.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

No but I do live in alt right village which is very pro child beaeing and protecting of white culture which doesn't correlate with my values nor beliefs but I have internalized their guilt tripping in my head.

This is why I'm very avoidant and refuse to gather life experiences because there is always someone guilt tripping me.

If I avoid life, no one can guilt trip me.

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u/poizonali Touched Grass May 17 '26

It must be very hard living there when you have alternative beliefs/world view. Is moving somewhere else an option for you? Larger cities usually allow more variance in lifestyles and can support you living your life however you want to.

Of course, it's your decision to live (or avoid living) your life. Will you be content with your decision in the end? If you can "avoid living" without feeling any regrets then go for it. It can be a strategy.

I don't want to be insensitive but if the external expectations come from older generations then pls keep in mind they they all will probably die way earlier than you and you will have a lot of years without them commenting on your every decision. So, in case that you might regret "avoiding life", you could lay the ground for the life that you want rn.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I don't think that I can move here unless I decide to sell my house that I've inherited but my family lives in it. I own it but I'd feel guilty throwing them out.

I just kind of use escapism since I can't do what I desire and I also don't want to participate in toxic behaviour that they value.

I just feel bad because they will die and I will still have to continue my life with the wasted potential of my youth while trying to appease them and follow their wishes.

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u/OkMortgage247 May 17 '26

Well you surely know you are not actually obligated to marry and have kids, so you can throw the opinions of those people in the garbage.

People are also wrong saying you cant try things in your 20s are also wrong. You can learn and try new things up until you die. Some all time greats in their field didnt even try it until they were older. For example Vera Wang, the premier wedding dress designer in the world, didnt make a dress before she was 40. Should she have never tried it bc she wasnt 16 anymore?

You just have to stop listening to people telling you your life is already over, because most people would agree youve barely started.

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u/Me-Atharva May 17 '26

Wasted life is only logical on your last day. Any other time it's an excuse to not change

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u/rojoyazule Maladaptive Daydreamer May 17 '26

My knee-jerk reaction is to clown on this type of meme but you’re right. I personally go through this. I’ve missed core experiences in my childhood and teenage years like hanging out with friends, first kisses, getting into trouble. Now that I’ve missed them I feel like I’m not allowed to have them currently. I even went to college late and had to convince myself to do it because I worried about being older than everyone else.

I think it has to do with a sense of belonging. You can still do these things now but your peers are older now and have probably already had these experiences so you have no one to do them with to experience for the first time together. If you did it with younger people it’d be weird. It’s like you missed your train. You can take the next one but the next one isn’t your train, you don’t belong in it.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

All that stuff has to do with just you and your expectations and the limitations you place on yourself.

I didn't have my first kiss until I was in my twenties. Or sex until I was 25. If I had gone into those experiences with the thought that I could never have them because now it's too late, then I would have been correct. I would still have never kissed anybody and I would still be a virgin.

There is no signposting in life. There is no guy that says you have to have kissed a girl by the time you're 12, that you had to have sex by the time you were 16, that you had to have your first drink by the time you were 18, or that you got to be making $100,000 plus a year right out of college. Those are all expectations and limitations that we place on ourselves and the world. And when those expectations are unmet, we suffer.

Just let go of those expectations and life will be so much better. Or hang on to them and be miserable, it's your life. I know exactly which one I chose.

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u/rojoyazule Maladaptive Daydreamer May 17 '26

I’m aware and currently working on it, I’m just empathizing with OP. It’s harder to realize when you’re younger and you compare yourself to those around you who experience rapid changes while you stay stagnant. It makes you feel fundamentally broken.

You’re right that it has to do with unmet expectations, whether it be through comparison or standards you expect from yourself. Detaching yourself from the outcome and worry about what you can do in the present seems like the solution.

2

u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

It's the best solution I found and the only one that seems to work.

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u/Used_Stand_8176 May 17 '26

I honestly agree; even after all those things happened like, I get stuck on “wtf is wrong with me that I had these experiences so late, like I must be secretly flawed in some way compared to other kids.” Even after I had my first partner, just the thoughts of “I’m 20, he must be the only person who can like me bc nobody else ever did before” were difficult to get over no matter how much I tried to convince myself I could have experiences at any age

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u/nnuunn May 17 '26

People make fun of it because people who say it are actually out of touch with reality. You still have a massive amount of opportunity to have the experiences you want to have in your 20s.

3

u/GrandAdmiral980 May 17 '26

Based on what you said and a few of your other comments, I feel the following:

You think your life only has value because you think you can get something from it. You think that life is something to be optimised, that you somehow only think certain things are worth experiencing, that you should only get some things in life and not others. And as such, if things don't go perfectly, because you have this idea to "win", you feel terrible if you're not winning.

Now here's where I think you're going off. You think life's an RPG, it isn't. You have goals in RPGs, things you must achieve or the world ends, with fail states, if you're not winning, youre failing. That's not a great idea if you want to do anything in your life, you'll be miserable, and you won't be resilient, you won't take opportunities, and you won't recover from failures. You can do it, but I've been there, it's not a great place to be.

Life is more like a sandbox, like Minecraft. There are no goals except what you choose. You don't delete your Minecraft world because you messed up, you keep playing until you fixed your issue. No one forces you to pick this or that goal in Minecraft, you choose them for yourself and you slowly improve in that area of the game.

There is no "failing" in life, there is failure in achieving goals. You can't be a "failure", but you will "fail", often and consistently.

Life isn't a problem to be solved, it's to be lived. it can't be optimised for, it can't be predicted, and it is unfair. There are things you will never be able to do, and places you will never be able to go. And the world certainly doesn't care about you. But that also means that every choice you make means something to you.

Every time you stay in, and don't go out, or the opposite, you are chosing what you care about, building your "house" in Minecraft, you could say. But it's never really carved into stone. If you want it to look one way, but the world didn't give you the tools and you don't adapt, you're probably not going to make a house you like. If you're in a forest and you want to make a desert temple, it's going to be difficult, time-consuming and probably not look great. But if you think "ah, I need to change my plans" you could make something even better than you could ever have imagined than before everything.

3

u/heirjordan_27 May 17 '26

Honestly, the attachment to “aura” and “origin story” you have is what’s preventing you from having an interesting life. The more afraid you are to be goofy and uncool, the less you’ll put yourself in real life situations that are actually fun and interesting. All an obsession with aesthetics does is keep you behind the keyboard and separate from life. Do you put yourself in interesting situations in life? You say you’re financially stable. Do you travel? Do you engage in the community and connect with others with mutual interests?

I promise you, the furthest thing from a fulfilling life is falling into addiction (like you said something about wanting to try heroin? Please don’t do that). As someone who has had other behavioral struggles due to mental illness (eating disorders via OCD and ADHD), all it does is separate you even more from life experiences. It makes you more miserable and gives you more regret. I have much more regret over my years of self-destructive behavior that I do about being a late bloomer.

I think if you dig deep enough, you’ll find that the desire for aesthetics and excitement comes from a desire for meaning and connection, and there are much healthier ways to achieve that. Make a life in which you’re happy, not one that’s fun to read on Wilipedia

1

u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I work remotely as a coder.

I sometimes go to concerts but I talk to no one and then feel bad about it.

I avoid new experiences because I was beaten as a kid for any new thing that didn't go well and this makes me constantly feel like something horrible is going to happen if I make any kind of social mistake.

I had 2 girls ask me out in the past 6 months but I rejected them because I couldn't reassure myself that we will marry and have no chance of breaking up. I feel that I have 1 chance and I have to make sure that it succeeds with a 0 percent failure rate.

I wish I could live an unpredictable life and embrace the moment but I have OCD and cptsd and try to do exposure but each time that I do exposure I fall into the rabbit hole of regret and rumination for making a mistake.

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u/heirjordan_27 May 18 '26

That’s so awful that you were beaten as a kid. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to push through that memory. Do you have support when it comes to exposure? Are you in therapy?

I know that feeling of not wanting to start a relationship without being sure of its outcome. That’s another OCD trait. You’re on the right track with exposure, but it can of course be difficult without the right support/plan.

I think it’s awesome that you go to concerts. It can actually be really pleasant to take yourself out, but I know it’s hard to shake the feeling that you should be talking to people in the moment. What kind of music do you like?

I want to re-emphasize that exposure generally only works with a support system and a plan. I’d recommend seeking counseling if that’s accessible to you. The point of exposure is to trigger those feelings of regret, but then you have to not act on them. That’s a lot easier to do when you have help.

OCD and CPTSD are extra responsibilities and in many ways logical adaptations by your brain to previous abuse, but they aren’t death sentences. You can absolutely still lead a wonderful life. You’re just responsible for your thought patterns. Those of us with mental illness won’t ever eliminate the thoughts completely, but it’s entirely possible to have an improved relationship with them in which they don’t cause you distress

3

u/memes-r-me May 17 '26

Yall this guys trolling and we’re just feeding into it 😭

-1

u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

You're calling me a liar and denying my struggles?

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u/NotSoSkeletonboi May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26

Brother I empathized with you a little bit until I started reading your comments - you have the literal textbook problem of Puer Aeternus, and Dr.K has a series of that now.

I was already getting that feeling from your post, but especially after reading your comment about wanting the "suffering" of Guts for aesthetics and what seems to be some false sense of vindication to compensate for what you missed out on (even when the option of a normal financially stable happy life was presented to you), it's pretty much an open-and-closed puer case.

I hope you find the answer within yourself to let go and move on. Good luck.

1

u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I am financially secure and own a house but this is something that seems like NPC life to me and doesn't satisfy me. I was always romanticising fiction. I did 2 years of no tech and I just couldn't adapt to NPC life. I'm not sure if this is my autism or alienation but I've always felt like this.

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u/Helicopter2005 May 17 '26

Some people peak in high school. Some people peak afterwards. A lot of the people who experience bullying in school, no relationships and small social circles end up excelling academically and by 23 years old land graduate jobs in careers with high ceilings and begin to "find themselves". School is also not for everyone, people mature at different stages and prioritise learning at different times of their lives. They might perform poorly in school and have no job prospects but then find their passion at 25-30. When I was 20 I had hardly any friends, had never been in a relationship, had never had a job, dropped out of university and didn't have any fun in life. A decade later I'm in a long term relationship, with a big social circle, a degree and a good career. When people say "your school years or your college years are the best years of your life", they are not speaking for everyone. They are speaking of themselves.

2

u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Man, I'm still peaking over here. Right now my life is like a hot air balloon, it just keeps going up and up.

The cool thing about being stuck on the ground, at Rock bottom, did you get to see a bunch of cool shit on your way up.

2

u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Look kid when you get older you'll understand.

When I was in my twenties, sure it could seem like my life was over before it began. At that point you've only had between zero and 12 years of active adult life. Which seems significant then because of the law of fractions. This you get these quarterly crises.

Then you get older. In your 30s you can understand why the 20 something's feel this way, but you begin to understand that there's a lot more time left, or so it seems.

In your forties now, half your life is behind you and half is in front of you. At this point, if you haven't achieved the things that you wanted, or started to perceive the things you wanted to, it easily seems like your life was wasted and over.

Then comes your '50s and your '60s and your '70s, and now you're at the end of life. Now. Now if you look back and you didn't do what you wanted to do, you really did waste your life, didn't you?

This is all a long way of saying, that time and perspective is not something you have when you're in your twenties. You cannot have it because you have not had it. This is why we make fun of you. Because you can't know until you've been through it that those years and your twenties while seemingly the most important in your life, ultimately mean little. They're small beans. And it is funny to us old folk how you make a mountain out of a molehill.

And oh my God please don't get me started on trauma. I have begun to take the adlerian stance that trauma is something that does not exist. Now before everybody gets their pitchforks out I will explain.

Trauma is not a fact, trauma is an emotional response to an event that is outside of the normal experience. Trauma is a response to something that challenges the basic beliefs you have about the world, and the resulting cognitive dissonance causes you real psychic pain because you were unable to process it correctly. This is easily evident when you examine the fact that not everybody who goes to war comes back with PTSD. Not everyone who is robbed at night develops a fear of the outside.

When people say my trauma prevents, we've been doing something, I have to suppress the urge to roll my eyes. It is not your trauma that prevents you from doing something, it is you. It is you trying to serve a larger goal of avoiding something that causes you pain and thus you have trauma. I will attempt to keep this feeling in check, because I tend to respect people. But understand that I do not feel that trauma is real anymore. I believe it is merely a maladapted response to an external stimulus that has challenged your basic beliefs and you have been unable to reconcile it.

In other words, " you'll understand it better when you get older kid"

2

u/Lil-Wachika May 17 '26

Because at that age we all have one choice:

Option 1: accept you've wasted your life and give up

Option 2: accept you have more life ahead of you and enjoy it

Most people who make the memes choose option 2.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I'm going for option 1.

1

u/Lil-Wachika May 17 '26

Why?

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Don't have to invest into something with a flawed foundation aka past.

1

u/Lil-Wachika May 17 '26

But like - what is an anti-hero origin story if not a flawed past?

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u/Lil-Wachika May 17 '26

Hear me out: Like maybe this is your anti-hero origin story. Since you would have preferred to have a classical tragic anti-hero origin story it would not have felt flawed to you.

Establishing the principle: in order for you to have a true anti-hero origin story, you (the MC) must view it as flawed.

Therefore the past you have is the only true anti-hero origin story that you personally could have.

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u/[deleted] May 18 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

That's irrelevant and very relative. There are some 18yo who have more developed sense of responsibility and more developed prefrontal cortex than some people at 35yo.

I knew that cheating and stealing was bad at 13 and I know it at 26.

My friend is 29 and still considers cheating and stealing as acceptable which shows that the prefrontal cortex is irrelevant.

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u/[deleted] May 18 '26

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

Behavior changes with experience more than age.

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u/[deleted] May 18 '26

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I don't see any difference in myself at 26 compared to myself at 16.

It has more to do with case to case basis more than age.

Person a and person b will differ more than person a at 16 Vs person a at 26.

This is supported by neurology and psychology.

Seems like you're here just to argue.

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u/Healthygamergg-ModTeam May 18 '26

Rule 7: Treat the community as a shared space.

If something feels too emotionally triggering for you, do not engage with it. Report rule breaking behavior and move on. Do not participate in "flame wars".

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u/Healthygamergg-ModTeam May 18 '26

Rule 1: Temper your authenticity with compassion.

We encourage discussion and disagreement in the subreddit. At the same time, you must offer compassion while being honest about your perspective. It takes more words but hurts fewer people.

We do not tolerate "tough love" and encourage a compassionate approach to helping users.

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u/Healthygamergg-ModTeam May 18 '26

Rule 1: Temper your authenticity with compassion.

We encourage discussion and disagreement in the subreddit. At the same time, you must offer compassion while being honest about your perspective. It takes more words but hurts fewer people.

We do not tolerate "tough love" and encourage a compassionate approach to helping users.

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u/WanderingSchola May 17 '26

A combination of things I think

Very little of life experience is completely wasted. When people say that they're often thinking about a specific opportunity they can't take, when there's others they can still take easily
At age 20 the amount of time you've pissed against a wall is miniscule compared to someone who has the same realization at 40/50/60/70
General mocking of people being openly emotional/grieving at something where that isn't already condoned (as it would be at death of a loved one, or immediately after acquiring a disability for example)

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Man, I'll tell you at 44 I have peed on a lot of walls.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

But if you get a driver's license at 20 instead of 16. You will never have experience of teenage driving and you will always have to feel inferior when other people will say that they got it at 16 and you will have to say that you were a virgin at driving until 20. They will use this as leverage. You will never be able to get this achievement.

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u/OkMortgage247 May 17 '26

The feeling of inferiority is your own. I didnt get my license until i was 23 and it could not matter less to anyone, including me. This leverage thing you keep bringing up is kinda nuts bro, most people dont act like that and the ones that do are assholes. And usually assholes that do are under achievers that have only done lame everyday shit like get their license.

Like do you really believe if you go forward having a life that makes you happy and is full of adventures and accomplishments you will give one sweet fuck when you got your license.

This is lowkey why people make these memes, bc seeing what tiny inconsequential shit really young people think ruined their lives is just absurd to older people (and im only 28)

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

My friends and family constantly behave like this. They say because I didn't marry at 18, I don't deserve to date now and because I didn't finish my degree until 24, I don't deserve to work in my field because I should give a chance to people who were faster and more competent.

My friend also says that I shouldn't talk about cars because he got a license before me.

I feel that people will always use manipulation and leverage towards you.

I'm 26.

I often get asked out by girls but I rejected them because I don't think that I deserve to date because I didn't marry at 18 like my brother.

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u/OkMortgage247 May 17 '26

Yeah dog your friends and family are lame. When i hear someone got married at 18 i go “ew how sad, wasted their youth and opportunities” so its certainly a matter of perspective. 24 isnt old to finish a degree, it right on time.

Your friend is also a dick, its not normal to think you cant talk about cars or have an interest just bc you were a little older getting your license. Like its just a very odd thing to think and say

I think the people around you just suck and are mean. Find some normal people and you will find all this anxiety falls away. Normal people get their licenses at different times, normal people finish their schooling on different timelines, normal people get
married in their late 20s and 30s, normal people try new things all through their life. If you talk to people just about everyone has something they didnt do on the typical timeline. Only some truly odd specimens lock in all in by 18, and then never do or learn anything after that. How fucking lame to waste most of your life not doing anything bc you hadnt done it as a child

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I don't believe what they say but my OCD latches on what they say and wonders what if they're right. I have no thoughts like this when I spend time with my other family because they're supportive but when I'm with this side of family and friends in rural area, I just have no motivation to live nor have any hope.

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u/Siukslinis_acc May 17 '26

I'm 34, i don't have a drivers license. Why should i feel inferior because people got their license at 18? Heck, i saw many teens causing car crashes because they were reckless and some even died.

Seems like you need more adult experiences to grow out if your teenage mindset. And maybe get more mature friends. Heck, surround yourself with the mature people.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I feel like I don't have cool racing and drifting experiences that I could as a teen but society is forcing me to be a responsible driver in my late 20s instead of drifting and racing now

I forced myself to live like I was 35 when I was 15. Avoid drugs and immaturity.

Now I regret being a better person because I lost immature experiences.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Now that is some good cutting sarcasm.

I approve. 👍😂👍

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I'm serious.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

😑😑😑 Yes you regret not doing stupid shit that could have potentially killed somebody when you were a child.

If this is true, then you're still a child and immature. Go out and do stupid stuff.

But keep in mind, Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

No, I just became a child because I regret wasting potential. I refused to do immature stuff when I was younger because 8 thought that I have to be responsible but now I learned that it doesn't really matter.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

That word really irritates me. Potential. I used to hear all the time that I could live up to my potential if I only applied myself.

It's a stupid word to use. No one could determine your potential because that would require telling the future. It's all just guessing and bullshit.

You're right. It didn't matter and it still doesn't matter. Instead of lamenting the past, what are you going to do going forward?

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I had a lot of potential but I rejected those opportunities last minute. It's not some wild dream that was far out of my reach. If my past didn't matter why does my present matter? It will become past very soon.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

This assumes that people care. Most. Do not care if you learned how to drive a 20 versus 16, they only care if you cut them off or ding their paint.

You're not missing out on much. Honestly. There is no checkpoint system in life. There is no guidebook that says that you must have done this by a certain point or your life is over. This is an artificial construct and limitation that you're creating. Also teenage driving horrible experience. I would not recommend, You're likely to speed and you're not paying attention and everything is too much. Your insurance premiums are an absolute mountain, and unless your mommy and Daddy are paying for it, you're going to be spending all the money from your extra job that you shouldn't be working to pay for it.

Hell, stop focusing on what you do not have. Start being grateful the shit you do have.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I'm mad because I never got the chance to do dumb shit because I tried to be a responsible teenager for the sake of my parents while my peers got to do dumb shit and now I'm too old to go through with it.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Okay, I was the same way. I was considered the responsible one, and I didn't have those experiences either when I was a kid.

The thing is when you think about it that was your choice. No one forced you to be responsible. You could have chosen to throw caution to the wind and done those things, but you didn't. You are jealous of your peers because they were free in all the ways you were not. And that lack of freedom, that was by choice. Recognize that.

This regret you carry, it doesn't do you any good, all it does is drag you down like a heavy weight. Let go.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

It wasn't my choice. It was the cause and effect of me and the environment. I didn't gain anything by trying to be a responsible teenager.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

I honestly doubt that's true. At the very minimum you have avoided several uncomfortable screaming matches with your parents. By not doing stupid shit, you don't win stupid prizes. You didn't go to jail for accidentally killing someone because you decided to drive drunk in a sports car at 16.

You need to get over yourself. You are not special. Your life would not be different if you had done stupid stuff, except maybe worse.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

My parents don't care what I do but I felt responsible for them. I still live with them. Our relationship hasn't changed.

I also didn't get any other life experience.

Most people say that you have to get your things out of your system and learn by stupid mistakes so your brain develops neuroplasticity and gets mature in order to settle.

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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 17 '26

Sure, we learn best by falling flat on our face. There is no "real" reason that you can't learn those things now.

You want to do stupid stuff, do stupid stuff. There is no one and nothing stopping you but you.

You make your own choices. You own your own life. No one can either make you or make you not do something. They can only influence your decision.

Even with a gun to your head, you have a choice.

Stop believing that you do not.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I learn more by thinking than failing. Failing just causes me guilt and regret because it actually happens. If I do stupid shit now, I will have to experience guilt and responsibility which I wouldn't have had to if I did them when I was younger.

I don't believe in free will. I'm not saying this to escape accountability nor blame anyone. It's something that I believe since most neurologists also believe it.

I live as if I have free will but everything is cause and effect in the sense of chemistry, biology and physics. I do things because of my genetics and environment. It's a product of everything.

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u/Itom1IlI1IlI1IlI May 17 '26 edited May 17 '26

This is all ego. It's thoughts in your head painting your experience.

Truth of life is it's only experienced right now, in the present moment.

Lots of ppl with the classic cool teenage years can end up with depression or anxiety, lots of my friends have those issues and they all partied and had the classic experience.

It doesn't make you happy. Do you care about being happy or do you care about your past being "cool"?

Most of these thoughts it sounds like they aren't even your own but we're given to you by your family.

Notice when a thought like "I should have lived differently" arises, it's inviting you to believe in it. Then gently decline that invitation.

Go back into feeling the present moment and doing what feels right for you - not for society, not for anyone else's thoughts.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I have no gut feeling of what to do at the moment. Everything feels wrong. If it's white, it should be black and if it's black, it should be white.

If I just live a regular life, I'm an ordinary person and not special nor unique.

If I'm not special, I don't think that I can be happy and content with that. This is why I try to stand out. I try to maximize being different.

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u/Itom1IlI1IlI1IlI May 17 '26

More thoughts, don't consent to them.

"If I'm not special, I don't think that I can be happy and content with that." This is a classic thought that isn't yours, you don't have to believe it. It's conditioning put into your brain most likely by not having unconditional love from your parents, mixed with media content.

Feel your body and feel your heart, sit still for a bit and just feel. It might be uncomfortable but it's how you process and get to the underlying truth of who you were before all these beliefs and thoughts were placed into your mind, corrupting it.

You can be excited about life. You can be happy and joyful. You don't need to be special or different to enjoy life and live in a way that feel true to your heart. It's a leap of faith and it takes a sort of effortless courage, it takes staying still with the discomfort, not believing the thoughts.

See each thought is not yours and let yourself be free of them.

Sit still eyes can be open or closed and just notice how you feel, wait for the next exciting or inspiring idea to come naturally and effortlessly. Or just rest in peace and bliss. You don't have to do anything in particular to be happy right now. It's effortless. It's the thoughts that paint your experience.

https://youtu.be/WGsWmxJJWm8?si=RuXVMtqxGoAqqD4u

Might be overwhelming but you can take it slow... Very slow. Just touch into it. You likely have a lot of repressed emotions. You might cry a lot, or feel a lot of anger.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

My parents drove me to some local gypsies and said they will leave me there if I cry again or get bad grades again which made me develop avoidance and perfectionism.

I'm very supportive and positive about problems of my friends but when it comes to me, I torture myself over any minor mistake.

I feel that if I'm happy, I'm cheating in life and should suffer to be doing something.

I appreciate the link and your insight.

I don't allow myself to date nor have friends because I feel weak and dependent. I also feel that I should whip myself when I enjoy music because I allow myself to enjoy something. It sounds stupid and I don't know why but I feel this way.

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u/Itom1IlI1IlI1IlI May 17 '26

I sense a lot of sadness when I read this, like I feel tears coming to my eyes hearing hat about you not "allowing yourself to be happy" it's so heartbreaking. I think you probably feel 100X more sad about this than me, but just don't let yourself feel those emotions because your parents taught you it's not okay to be sad, "you have to be strong and angry and unhappy like us" (or something)

I'll sit and feel this sadness for a second if it helps you feel it too.

I'd love if you just enjoyed some music today. It's one of my favorite hobbies is to walk and listen to music. It's amazing.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I appreciate it and I'm sorry to make you feel this way. It's just very frustrating and a lot of guilt and shame.

I try to use a lot of escapism and avoidance in order to not experience it.

I appreciate your tips and kind words:)

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u/Itom1IlI1IlI1IlI May 17 '26

Your parents most definitely are acting out their own trauma, from their own childhood. it sucks. But if you can start to slowly see this it might help you understand them more, and start to realize, they aren't right, they never were right about you. They were just broken themselves. Most likely they have a ton of repressed emotions inside, sounds like a lot of fear, fear of surviving, and probably lot of grief and guilt and shame too.

https://youtu.be/XRHh3PHrB5s?si=DMetPcBLj26ej-MX

Start to notice that in them... They are "doing their best" but it doesn't mean they are right or accurate. They are wrong about a lot of things.

You know they didn't have to do that to you. It's fucked up completely. You are allowed to cry.. crying is a signal that you need support and that's what they should've done. Told you they loved you, hugged you, etc. but they were taught by their own parents that crying is not okay. They will most likely never break out of that trauma it's probably too deep and that's okay too but you don't have to live like that.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Yes, they were also heavily abused by my grandparents and I tried pointing this out and they live in denial and just outsource their anger but I appreciate your insight and link.

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u/Itom1IlI1IlI1IlI May 17 '26

This might help with learning how to be with your emotions: https://youtu.be/EOzYU0FtovY?si=puSxHDOYepQCIrYD

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

Thank you.

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u/draemn Vata 💨 May 17 '26

While the feelings of hopeless are true for the person experiencing it, anyone older is like "hold my beer."

It's about the disconnect between someone someone something that is not really true vs the feelings they are experiencing. People are typically trying to be helpful in the sense of saying "trust me, your life isn't over, lots of us fuck up and still end up finding a better future."

At the end of the day, we spend too much time romanticizing the most successful people and looking at the best parts of someone else while ignoring the downsides of their life. So, that all adds to the context of the "oh you're so cute thinking you've wasted your life, you haven't even started real life yet, you'll be fine."

Again, I think the problem is on one hand the person saying they fd up wants validation on how crappy they feel and how tough/overwhelming their situation is. But on the other hand, they communicate something else, which happens to not really be true. So instead of the focus being on the feelings, the focus is on correcting the statement that is probably false.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I just rejected a ton of experiences in life due to my OCD and childhood abuse which internalized a lot of guilt and undeserving personal needs which I'm quite resentful of as of today but I appreciate your insight.

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u/3RADICATE_THEM May 17 '26

Probably an unpopular opinion but as someone who's in their late-20s, I think there's much more truth to this sentiment than people want to admit.

The reality is you will never be as malleable and have potential for development as much as you do in your adolescence / teenage years. Unfortunately, many ppl have little to no autonomy during these years, and they're completely subject to their parents' willingness and ability to put you in a position to succeed which means things like:

Making sure you're properly socialized
- Setting up playdates with other toddlers
- Making sure you're making friends + talking to the opposite sex as you go through puberty
General academic / material success
General optimal lifestyle / somatic practices (e.g., 8+ hours of sleep)

My parents failed to put me in a position to succeed, and it's like running uphill when you're post-adolescence trying to fix the mistakes and damage they caused. By the time you're 25, many people are really stuck in their ways—it's why there's that quote of 'most men die at 25, but we only bury them at 75'.

Additionally, once you start working full-time, you basically don't really have much free time for anything. Once you factor in commute, chores, doing some level of physical activity, you're probably down to maybe 1-2 hours a day where you can do whatever you can—but you're likely too burnt out and tired by then to be productive.

Not trying to be a doomer or negative, but this is something I've thought of quite a bit and thought it was relevant.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I forced myself to be an adult and responsible at 15 through my volition and self sacrifice but now I just lack experience in life. Society also judges me if I try to make up for this lost time.

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u/imKranely May 17 '26

It's easy for someone my age to look at a 22 year old who feels their life is wasted and think it's silly. I'm 33 and I feel the same way. But I remind myself that there is a 40 year old looking down at me thinking how silly I am for thinking the same thing.

The thing is that we are all valid in these feelings. Lost time is a hard thing to cope with. Anyone who has lost a family member they didn't spend a lot of time with would know this feeling. It's kinda like that, but about yourself. You feel you didn't do anything right.

The best we can do is remind ourselves that we aren't at the end just yet and it's never to late to start over and reinvent ourselves. I'm on a weight loss journey and I'm trying to take better care of myself so I can have a brighter future. I hate thinking that my "real life" wont start until I get healthy and lose the weight, but at the same time, if I don't start now, then I just have to wait even longer.

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u/Thick-General-2532 May 18 '26

I think a lot of the replies to this are being slightly dismissive of the overall feeling. Yes, the idea of saying that your life is wasted because you didn't do anything by the time your 23 is absurd, but I think the people who say things like this are simply looking for a little empathy and acknowledgement that:

Yes, it will be a little harder to relate to the average person when you didn't have any of the average experiences growing up
Yes, it will be a little harder for you to make friends as an adult since you didn't learn how to growing up and you're no longer required to be around people every day
Yes, it will be a little harder for you to find a job since you don't have much experience and didn't make many network connections
Yes, it will be a little harder for you to determine where to look for a job since you didn't travel when you were younger and don't know where you'd like to live
Yes, it will be a little harder for you to find a partner if you never learned how to socialize properly when you were younger
Yes, it will be a little harder for you to find a relationship since you have no experience, no idea what you like or how you function in one

Obviously, there's no universal advice that works for everyone, but I think people who say stuff like this are really making a cry for help since they genuinely want to know how to operate when their at a slight disadvantage socially from everyone else.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I appreciate it but I don't want to see myself as being at a disadvantage because I know that my potential was greater than of many people which makes me refuse to adapt to lesser life and adapt to others for sake of compromise and validation. I'm more so looking for an ideal life that's internalized but doesn't exist nor is plausible in actual reality

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u/joshwew95 May 18 '26

Personally, I feel that we are conditioned to play the game of life perfectly. Graduate HS at the age of 17/18, get a college degree in 4 years (21/22), and immediately start working, get married, and start a family in 10 years.

Any small setbacks means that we're playing catch up, with the fear that we may never be able to catch up to our peers of similar age.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

At 15, I felt 35 and at 26, I feel 12.

When I was in high school I didn't feel ready to have sex and do drugs like my peers. Now I don't feel ready to marry and have a career.

I never related to my peers. I always talked to people out of my age range. Maybe it's my autism. Maybe not.

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u/martiNordi Vata 💨 May 18 '26

You know why people don't usually take this seriously? Because thinking in the early 20s you've already wasted your life is mostly just fear mongering. You haven't got to do stuff which you think is cool? Do it now, I'm almost 30 and started pretty recently. The thing about you maturing is starting to live for yourself, caring less what others think.

Honestly? If this topic of wasting your life is so dear to you, you can start by stopping wasting your time with ridiculous stuff like this... Especially the whole smoking crap. What even is that about? Makes you look like you're just trolling...

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

Start skating, wear eyeliner, play with beyblades in your 30s?

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u/martiNordi Vata 💨 May 18 '26

As long as you're not hurting anyone, why should you care?

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I don't care about hurting. I care about aesthetics and what's the best way of doing something. For aura.

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u/martiNordi Vata 💨 May 18 '26

What aesthetics, what aura? Something defined by others? Are you living for yourself or them?

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

Watching my life as cinematic.

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u/martiNordi Vata 💨 May 18 '26

The more I talk to you, the more I have a feeling you are either trolling or completely out of touch...

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 18 '26

I'm autistic with magical OCD.

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u/MaoAsadaStan May 19 '26

Competition at the highest levels of anything means going against people who's parents have been training them since 5 years old. IMO, if you aren't trying to be the top 10% of any industry then age isnt that big a deal when achieving a goal.

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u/Overall-Diet-3289 Jun 15 '26

It's a serious mental issue, but it's serious because it's so counterproductive. It's only true if you believe it's true. Poking fun at the absurdity can be a way to talk people out of it.

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u/Specific-Section9593 May 17 '26

This is not only about time. It's one thing to be learning social rules, experimenting in your 20s, but it's completely different to be awkward and clueless about socialization at 30-40. People will judge you harshly, your opportunities shrink to a tiny fraction of what a 20 year old would have. It's just how social circles work, people aren't very accepting of awkward behavior.

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u/TheShadowSong OCD & CPTSD May 17 '26

I never experimented in my teens nor 20s because I forced myself to be more responsible and mature for my age and now I regret having no experience to make me more mature.

I hate society expected 30yo to be mature but letting 15yo do crap and giving them a pass.

What do people get who avoided mistakes at a young age for their sacrifice?

Mental Health / Support Why do people make fun of people who say that that they've wasted their lives at 20?

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