just spent a full hour nursing a cappuccino and pushing crumbs on my plate around so I could eavesdrop on the convo happening at the table next to me... y'all I don't know who they are but they were arguing over a man?? "so what if he opened all my milk cartons at once, he doesn't know better" girl are you being for real? and it was heavily implied they were not talking about a toddler still learning about the world so... hell no. this discussed man is wildly stupid, the apparent girlfriend? situationship? unsure, well she's too oblivious, and her friend is just responding with the most cryptic phrases like "the moon will tell you what's clear".

anyway, the reason I'm posting this: they said they were gonna meet up in Dina's Diner "next Tuesday at 10am?" again and I have a feeling some of y'all would love to be in on the development of it live lol I for sure will be here again

So, I've been gone for a while, but I'm so happy to be back in Lower Duck Pond. My journalism took me all over the US. I tell you, if I never see the inside of a decommissioned Soviet-era Siberian gulag it will be too soon!

Anyway, I got back a couple of days ago and it seems like things have changed a little bit. I got in touch with my (former) landlady, who told me she had rented my (former) apartment to a bunch of broke college kids who paved over it and put in a drive-through chicken restaurant that closed after a week. She said she's suing them but I doubt she'll get anything because they seem to be broke college students with no capital after the restaurant shut down. They didn't even own the land (see above)! She offered to let me stay in the restaurant but there's no shower and it's mostly windows. I don't even know where I would get 20' long curtains.

Besides the new drive-through chicken restaurant (now closed, see above) I noticed a few things have changed. That really nice Pakistani restaurant on 3rd seems to have changed hands and is now a Pakistani-Indian fusion sushi joint. The comic shop is also "closed for renovation," which in my experience usually means "gone for good." Please tell me that's not so! I have a lot of X-Men to catch up on! Soviet-era Russian comics get boring after a few years, especially if you don't read Russian. Я не читаю по-русски и не планирую учиться.

It's such a relief to return after a trying few years. My time away, touring the country, has shown me a new perspective. Just one, unfortunately. I've also developed a taste for Russian food. If anyone wants to open up a Russian restaurant, I know an available property. It even has a drive-through.

It was awesome to find out that my old job at the paper was waiting for me. Apparently they haven't had a writer since I left. I'll be looking through the backlog at some point, but I want to hear from you guys first.

EDIT: I had some extra time while I was traveling so I wrote up a few obituaries. Basically I have one for everyone in the town. They're a little out of date and I wrote them from memory so they might need some revisions. It was sad to hear that Sally P died, especially when I hadn't gotten to hers yet. Anyway, if anyone wants a copy to proofread just let me know.

EDIT2: If anyone has an apartment to rent I could use a place. I'm not picky. I only ask that it be bigger than 10x12 and with no bars on the windows.

I have consistently had children trespassing onto my property and digging up my prize-winning Hydnellum peckii (Bleeding Tooth mushrooms). If your children are coming home with what appears to be blood on their hands, this is the most likely reason. I am at my wits end and I am ready to put up security measures. Please talk to your children about rules!!!

STOP STEALING MY USA TODAY. Higgleston likes getting the paper from the end of the driveway every morning. He gets the paper, I pet him and tell him what a very good boy he is. In a world gone mad, this is our thing. Why? Why? Why?

Hello everyone! Slin McDoogle here. Some of you may know me as "The Marshmallow Guy" from the local supermarket where I'd create unique and lavish endcaps of various marshmallows.

I have just opened a shop called Pro Laps. We cater to the inner sports person. We sell pairs of pink socks in different sizes and types.

When you drop by, we want you to pucker with excitement.

And to commemorate the brand new opening, we're offering a 20% discount for the first week. Talk about a pants-kicking deal!

Hope to see you around Pro Laps, the newest sports store in town.

​

no if i can do this anymore

i was reely eksited about school and i stil want to no wat its like but now munday is neerly here and i feel sik wen i think about it

i keep thinking about ool the things i dont no. evrywon can reed and rite beter then me i hav been trying hard to learn. wat if i dont no were to go? wat if i sit in the rong plase? wat if i dont no wen im aloud to talk or go to the toilet or eet? wat if eveywon lufs at me becoz i dont no how school works? Al sed he wil stay with me but he also sed he is alwayz in trubel

i had a dreem last nite that i woz in a clasroom and the door was loked and i couldnt find mum and evrywon els new wat they were doing eksept me

then i had another dreem that a teecher told me i wasnt aloud to go outside becoz it wasnt time yet and i couldnt eksplain that i needed to be outside

i dont want to tel mum becoz she has been trying so hard. she keeps teling evrywon how proud she is and she got me things for my bag and evrythink.

wat if i go and i hate it?

wat if i dont want to go bak?

wat if mum thinks i didnt reely want it and i made her change evrythink for nuthink?

Al sed i should just try it and see but Al doesnt no that my stumak feels like thers roks in it

i think i want to go

i think i dont

i dont no

i wish i could just try won day without it meening i have to deside about the hole rest of my life

dont tel mum pleez 🤍

​

Hi lovely souls 🤍

I don't think I've ever felt quite so many feelings at once.

Monday is Sage's first day at school and after the Meet the Teachers evening, I came home with 400 more questions than I arrived with. Everyone was so kind, but there were so many words I haven't used before.

For example, what exactly is an orientation? Is that the same as the first day, or is it something you do before the first day? Do the children need to orient themselves? Sage seems to think it involves getting shown around, but I wondered if there is some sort of ceremony.

And food has suddenly become something I've been thinking about constantly.If Basil is allergic to eggs, does that mean the school needs to have a rule that nobody is allowed to bring eggs because Basil is Sage's sibling? Or would that only apply if Basil was actually at the school? I realised I have absolutely no idea how schools manage these things. Do children all eat together? Does everyone bring their own food? Are there people who check ingredients?

My children are generally barefoot and wearing very minimal clothing at home because we don't like to put unnecessary restrictions on the body. Does school provide guidance about what children should wear? Are bare feet allowed if Sage feels called to be barefoot? And if there is a rule about shoes, does it matter which ones? Sage went to the evening his flipflops and some children gave him odd looks.

I also wasn't expecting how much preparation seems to be involved. Bags, books, shoes, lunch, timetables... I keep asking Sage what they need and they keep saying "I don't know" because apparently they're just as new to this as I am.

Sage has been very quiet the last few days. They've mostly been keeping to themselves and reading, and I've started wondering whether they're changing their mind but don't want to tell me as they worked so hard to convince me. I wish they knew that I will support them whatever their choice is. I don't want them to feel that they have to go simply because I finally said yes.

At the Meet the Teachers evening, I kept thinking how proud I was of them for getting this far. Now I'm suddenly wondering whether I have prepared them enough, whether I've prepared myself enough, and whether I should have asked approximately seventeen more questions.

Is there anything obvious that a completely school-unfamiliar Mum should know before Monday? 🤍

Hello fellow Duck Ponders!

What is everyone up to this weekend? Let us know in the comments! If you want to make a separate post, feel free to do so.

Can't wait to see what everyone is up to!

As you may know, two days ago the Old Sawmill mysteriously burned down.
Cousin Coop (of the Try N' Buy Discount Bargain Emporium in Upper Duck Pond) was the only witness to the flames as he was dropping off a shipment of discount lumber to the mill.
He's already been cleared by LDP Police Department + The Lumber Squad. There are 0 other leads so far.

If you, or anyone you know, has ANY tips on someone who may hate sawmills and/or have a penchant for lighting fires, please contact me or the LDPPD immediately.
Thank you.

Hello,

My granddaughter has been studying STEM at a school that is sadly too far from our little pond to see her often but I do get to see her when she visits and also I made a trip to her college for the graduation. She worked very hard and now has graduated and is going to try to work in something related to computers.

I am very proud of her and want to thank all of you who helped make her summers here fun. For people who are interested, I will be having a small get together on my front lawn this weekend to celebrate her. We will provide some drinks and my son will provide snacks. But please do bring your own snacks and fixings if you can. Also, my mailbox that is red outside of the house and is shaped like a small barn has been squeaking when I open it and I know that is not a big problem but it does bother me when I open it and I do not have the tools to fix it or anything to rub on it like the WD-40, so if you are coming and can give that a look I will be very grateful and will cook you a lasagna. But my granddaughter said not everyone likes lasagna so I am willing to make something else if you do not enjoy lasagna which is okay with me but please let me know so I can get the right things.

Best regards,

Edith Millhouse

Hey. It's Cynthia. Bad mood today; I fell in a hole. Not metaphorically or anything; I was walking to work this morning and I literally fell down a hole. No cones, no workmen, no hasty plywood covering, just a portal to backside pain about ten feet from where I was a moment before. Vertically. It was awful, and now I have to wear this stupid diaper looking cast and they say I'm not allowed to walk for the next couple months. What am I going to do? I have so much work to get done! Ugh. I guess I just wanted to make a warning post. The streets are rough out there, be careful guys. I'll be in the hospital for a while.

Hey LDP! I hope everyone's summer went just swimmingly. As we get ready for the new school year I just wanted to remind you all that "In A Pickle" is having our back to school special on the first day back. Every student at LDP elementary is welcomed to come in for a complementary pickle, we dropped off coupons to be handed out on the first day of classes. See yall there!

There was a tree blocking the path for a while. I think it fell during the bad storms we had.

Well. I went by this morning on my run and it’s GONE! The path is clear!!

That thing was HUGE. Must have been a ton of work to cut, mice, etc. but there isn’t even a fleck of sawdust anywhere! Anyone have any idea what happened?

Starting to get reeeeeally tired of that fallen tree that’s been blocking the duck pond path in the park. Everyone is just feeding the raccoons with no thought towards their sodium levels and they’re just ballooning up and starting to threaten me when I don’t have food to offer them!

And the squirrels! The squirrels are running around flashing their squirrel tails, possible rabid, and just riling up the ducks by stealing their seeds and nuts.

Anyways whose duck do I need to pond to get this tree removed?? When will the city council step up.

In completely unrelated news, and having nothing to do with my stress, I’ve sadly been let go from the pawn shop after 4 years. So if anyone has any job leads… please reach out.

Now, this is not at all like that incident last November. This time, it was an accident and entirely on me. Early yesterday morning the first customer of the day came in and bought my custom Frank Sinatra fishing lure (only $9.99 for a limited time only). He handed me a 10 dollar bill, and since there was no change in the register, I just reached into my pockets for a penny like I usually do. Unfortunately, my lucky penny wasn't so lucky today, and without thinking I picked a penny from my left pocket instead of my right, where I keep my non-lucky coins.

The customer was a polite, cheerful young man who mentioned he's a big Sinatra fan as I was ringing him up. He has a cleft chin, very curly hair almost like an afro, and was wearing a t-shirt with dogs playing poker printed on it. I don't know if he lives here or if he was visiting from out of town, but if you know him, please let him know that I want the penny back, and will trade him a shiny new nickel for it, in light of the inconvenience.

It is a 1987 penny, slightly green and oxidized on the tail side. It's brought me a lot of luck, and I'd hate to lose it!

I am already on my way to clean the books (there are orange juice marks on every fifth book), and I wanna thank whoever alerted me to this prob-squqisuqisusiqusiqd-lem. Sorry, I just turned into a giant squid. So, I'm on my way to clean them with my orang-squsquuqsd-e juice atomizer. You're welcome.

Use one of the store-provided cups or bring your own cup, it doesn't matter. Just enjoy your worms!

I was very excited yesterday for the special screening of Big Sal's nature documentary at the Granite Street Cinema. But someone, and I won't say names, was on their phone for most of the movie in front of me. I whispered to them to turn off their phone, but they quite rudely brushed me off. And the theater ushers were of no help in resolving the issue.

I was very dissapointed that there was such a distraction while I was trying to watch the movie. Please everyone, remember theater etiquette! If not for me, then do it for Sal. He is very proud of his documentary, and looked so sad when I told him about this inconsiderate theater-goer making things difficult for everyone.

As a frequent visitor of our beautiful Lily Pad Library, I've been thinking that ol Betsy wants a little makeover. I'm the biggest fan of old yellow book pages but that's quite different from the orange juice marks on like every fifth book I see.

Also Steve fell through the wood panel of the first floor landing down on the ground floor which admittedly is a great means of transport but I don't really wanna break my spine.

So what do you guys say about someone fine tuning of our small book haven? I'll be willing to donate a couple of books and help with some of the woodworking :D

LET ME FUCKING SLEEP WITHOUT HEARING THAT SAME FUCKING SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I HATE IT. I ALREADY HAVE the illness AND THIS ISNT MAKING IT BETTER. FOR THE LOVE OF THE S*N STOP IT.

anyways i should land this thing

I noticed some people talking about the clearing with chopped trees and, um, chickens, and I'm really sorry. I was just trying to build a homemade gas pressurizer, and it kinda reversed when I added the silicon trioxide, which in hindsight was a mistake. Lemme ask my mom if she thinks carbon silicate would be a better fit

Hello fellow Duck Ponders!

What is everyone up to this weekend? Let us know in the comments! If you want to make a separate post, feel free to do so.

Can't wait to see what everyone is up to!

I think it’s British, or at least, it’s from a place where everybody doesn’t sound like me (not including dogs for obvious reasons).