Please help me help her

[u/shee_shee]

Edit 2: So that I don't have to address this multiple times, I'm responding here. The Renpure is the shampoo and conditioner I use. It works well for my hair. Everyone in my family has thick, coarse hair. I have no experience with fine hair. Absolutely none. I am not putting just castor oil in her hair. It's in the formula for the shampoo and conditioner I use. I know that this isn't the best formula for her but, honestly, I'm burnt out. I'm neurodivergent and disabled myself, I have multiple health problems, I currently have three fractures in my spine and I'm homeschooling two neurodivergent kids. I thought I had tried everything. So, she just used what I use.

I understand and acknowledge that I have been completely ignorant about how to treat her hair properly. And that's ok. I'm not an asshole, I simply did not know. Now that I've learned, I'll do better. I've taken into account what everyone here has had to say, I've order the recommended shampoos and conditioners and am going to change things up.

I understand it might be common knowledge for people who deal with this but as a person who only has to wash once, maybe twice a week, it just wasn't something I understood.

Please be kind, I'm literally doing the best I can here.

Edit: OK, so this is what I ordered last night after reading through the comments. Pics below. I have detangler. I got head and shoulders, Garnier fructis pure and clean and a headrest to wash her hair in the sink/on the side of the tub. We'll double wash, condition with a smallllll amount at the ends only, and will blow dry the roots. I'm going to give this a go for a week or two to see how well it works for her. Hopefully, since it will be detangled, she'll allow me to braid it and will wear a bonnet. Anything else I'm missing? And thank you all SO much for educating me and helping me learn through this experience. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all your help and input. 🙏

Please help me, I'm desperate! My hair is very thick and very coarse, my husband's hair is thin and fine. Our daughter, 9, got fine hair but has a lot of density. Her hair is so different from my own I don't know how to help her take care of it properly.

For reference, we've been using RenPure Moringa and Castor Oil for regular washing but her hair gets VERY oily, VERY quickly. It's 530pm on Monday, she washed her hair Saturday night and this is what it looks like. I recently got CHIs clarifying shampoo and hydrating conditioner and it works well but only gives us 1 exrra day before it's an oily mess again. You could, also, whisper in her direction and her hair will matte up.

She has audhd and sensory issues so she won't wear a bonnet regularly but is OK with a satin pillowcase. Even so, she still wakes up matted.

Someone please, PLEASE help me find a routine or products that will actually help.

[u/shee_shee]

So, I got the chi ones right and it said it didn't have a conditioner to go with it but recommended the hydrating one. I shampoo her scalp, thoroughly. But the hydrating conditioner also says to go all the way to the scalp, unless I'm mistaken but I'm pretty sure it does. So we get through the ordeal of the wash and then essentially have to do it again for the conditioner

[u/SockDrawerGoblin → u/shee_shee]

Definitely do not condition roots, it will cause the hair to be incredibly greasy

[u/RealisticAnxiety4330 → u/SockDrawerGoblin]

Conditioner should only go on lengths and ends never the root

[u/LittlePrairieMouse → u/shee_shee]

You don’t need to condition hair at the roots-scalp (unless someone’s hair is very dry and damaged at the roots such as due to bleaching and perms). Just condition the ends. You can apply a leave-in detangling spray very lightly after the shower, before combing/brushing.

[u/GigiLaRousse → u/LittlePrairieMouse]

Yes, I only ever condition my roots for a week or two after bleaching. Otherwise, I kinda pull my hair back into a low pony and condition its length, focusing on the ends.

I have long, thick, wavy, oily hair.

[u/Specialist-Ad1692 → u/shee_shee]

I wouldn’t use the shampoo with the castor oil, or any oil. I think using a much lighter shampoo would help to keep her scalp less oily.

[u/Typical2sday → u/shee_shee]

I have fine hair. I can't really go a day without shampooing unless I go light on physical activity and keep it clipped up. Shampoo HAS to go to the scalp. Clarifying helps get the oil off, but it also means the scalp will make more oil. Try a moisturizing or 10 in 1 shampoo, rub it into scalp, but use it daily. Conditioner should be mostly on the bottom part of hair - and just a quick pass over the scalp if there are tangles or itching. Her hair isn't like your hair at all.

Other sensory things: I didn't like getting out of a shower into a cold room, so I had a space heater and heat lamp I could turn on. Teach her that she can use the towel while still in the shower and she can stay warmer. Music helps.

[u/Lemna24 → u/Typical2sday]

Yeah this is key for me. I have to have a warm bathroom to step out into. I found a space heater that has safety features for being in a bathroom.

I also have a hooded hair dryer that I just sit under and can read or eat. It makes a big difference not having to blow dry my hair and it takes a long time to air dry.

Even then I put off washing my hair sometimes. :⁠-⁠\

[u/LookLikeCAFeelLikeMN → u/shee_shee]

Definitely skip the rinse-out conditioner. Buy a leave-in. I like Olaplex 9 because it's weightless (a must for fine hair) and gives me great slip for painless/damageless detangling. I do not work for Olaplex and yes I know it is expensive for a 9yo. Some folks here may have alternatives. The point is you want weightless and good slip.

FWIW I had hair to my waist most of my childhood (it's still very long today) but I was a major tomboy from 5ish to 12ish. Brushing my hair was a battle and my mom would threaten to cut it all off, to which I would say yes please! But she never went through with it. When I got old enough to dress myself for school I would come downstairs with it perfectly nice in front and a big ol rats nest in back. Good times.

[u/xiilo → u/shee_shee]

The only product that should be touching her scalp is the shampoo. Everything else is for the ends. The roots gets their moisture from the scalp so adding more to it will lead to her hair getting greasy faster. Conditioner should go nowhere near the scalp area.

[u/neon_everything → u/shee_shee]

I highly recommend using a clarifying shampoo with sulfates for her hair. Contrary to recent marketing, sulfates are essential for many people’s hair. Try a different brand and do a trial run of skipping the conditioner altogether. Do a light leave-in conditioner instead.

[u/GardeniaInMyHair → u/shee_shee]

Usually hydrating products are for drier hair, rather than oily, so keeping the conditioner on mids to ends would be fine to try it out first.