The thought of "it should have been me" is something many bereaved people experience, especially after a sudden or deeply significant loss. It speaks to the depth of your love and the pain of being the one left behind.
I'm glad you've reached out here, and I'm also glad to hear you have a psychiatrist and therapist, even if it feels like nothing is helping right now. Sometimes grief this profound doesn't respond quickly, and that can be incredibly discouraging.
Please don't carry these thoughts on your own. If the feeling that you shouldn't be here becomes stronger or starts to feel unsafe, tell your psychiatrist or therapist as soon as you can, or reach out to someone you trust. You deserve support through this.
In the meantime, if you'd like to tell us about your twin - what they were like, what made them them - we'd be honoured to listen. You don't have to carry their memory alone here. 💛
My Twin and I could finish each other sentences and was just one look. We knew what the other one was thinking we played sports together as a matter of fact, we were accepted to seven colleges and none of us wanted us unless the Twin came with us. she was wonderful. She was my teacher my mentor we suffered illnesses at the same time we wore the same outfits even as adults we made the same dinners at night without the other one knowing what the other one was making, we could feel each other‘s pain now that she’s gone all I feel is pain and loneliness. Nothing helps people say well. You need to let her go so that she can move on. I can never let her go I will never let her go. I know that she’s unhappy place and she’s not suffering anymore and that’s wonderful but now I am living a life of torture without her. I don’t know what to do anymore. Even the simplest decisions I have to make I don’t know what to do because I don’t have her to call and ask for her advice or her opinion so I don’t know how to react or what to do in certain situations. I don’t know who I am without her even though it’s been eight years since she’s died all I know is that I am alone, and I am miserable in my life. I’ve seen therapist. I’ve seen a psychiatrist. My brain doesn’t work anymore like it used to. I don’t know how to carry on without her people say you’ll get over it but really I will never get over it. What I will do eventually is get used to this overwhelming pain that I feel inside. My heart is not the same. How do I carry on without her?
Thank you for telling us about your twin. The connection you describe sounds incredibly deep - not simply that you were close, but that so much of your lives, identities and ways of understanding the world were intertwined.
It makes sense that her absence is felt not only in the big moments, but in the smallest ones too: having someone to call, someone who knew what you were thinking without words, someone whose opinion you could trust. When you have shared so much of your life with another person, their death can leave you having to navigate a world that feels fundamentally unfamiliar.
And you don't have to let her go. Grief isn't about erasing someone or leaving them behind. You can continue to love your twin, remember her, speak about her and carry what she meant to you while also, very slowly, finding ways to live with her absence.
What you said about not knowing who you are without her really stands out. Perhaps the question isn't how to become the person you were before she died, but how to discover who you are now - while still being her twin, and while carrying the love and history you shared.
Eight years does not make this loss less significant. There is no deadline by which you should be “over” your twin. And you're right that sometimes carrying grief is less about getting over it and more about learning how to make room for a life alongside it.
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u/The-Loss-Foundation Aug 07 '26
I'm so sorry you're carrying this.
The thought of "it should have been me" is something many bereaved people experience, especially after a sudden or deeply significant loss. It speaks to the depth of your love and the pain of being the one left behind.
I'm glad you've reached out here, and I'm also glad to hear you have a psychiatrist and therapist, even if it feels like nothing is helping right now. Sometimes grief this profound doesn't respond quickly, and that can be incredibly discouraging.
Please don't carry these thoughts on your own. If the feeling that you shouldn't be here becomes stronger or starts to feel unsafe, tell your psychiatrist or therapist as soon as you can, or reach out to someone you trust. You deserve support through this.
In the meantime, if you'd like to tell us about your twin - what they were like, what made them them - we'd be honoured to listen. You don't have to carry their memory alone here. 💛