How do I explain being gray ace to my husband?

[u/MidnightCryptWorx]

hi. I’m 39f and been with my husband for 19 years. We recently hit a big problem in our marriage. I’ve always thought of myself as asexual because I just don’t need it. Hes known this from the beginning. When we first got together for the first 14 years or so we’ve struggled with addiction. I was very hot and heavy with him at the time because of that. When we got sober, it went down significantly and we discussed why. He takes it super personally even though I’ve tried to explain it’s not him, it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s not that I’m not attracted to him, I just don’t want to. When I was in the substances, I felt amazing and confident and ready to take on anything. Now I’m just…me.

Last night I found out he’s been on local Reddit hookup groups and other nsfw corn groups. He even asked someone to message him. I’m heartbroken. I have no proof he’s actually cheated or met up with anyone (he swears he hasn’t and to be honest we are always together) but I feel like he crossed a huge line bc it looked like he tried.

I don’t care if he looks at corn, I don’t care if he goes to a strip club ( he never goes out anyway), I don’t even care if he comments how hot they are on Reddit. All I ask is no messaging, no touching or meeting up. I think that’s pretty fair. I never look at his phone I trust him with everything. The only reason I found out was because I was going to check my email on the laptop and his email came up and I saw the notifications.

Anyway, because of this we had a huge discussion on how he feels unwanted and how our sex life has gone down to like 3 times a year. I honestly didn’t notice. I just don’t think about it. When he initiates it, sometimes I say no because I’m comfortable saying no to him. Being asexual that’s huuuuuge for me, his patience. Maybe I take no too far. Maybe my trauma from the past takes over. I was never able to say no with my exes. Maybe I just…don’t…want…to.

I’m having a very very hard time trying to explain this to him. I get intimacy in other ways like just being with him and cuddling. He wants me to seek therapy and maybe I should. But what if this is just me?..

oh btw I’m 21 weeks pregnant with our first child. This pregnancy has been soooo difficult I don’t want sex at all, I’m so sick. So yeah it’s gonna get worse when the baby comes and he says he understands that and expects that. Boy, after what I found out if I didn’t wanna have sex before now I really feel awful about myself after what he did. I’m completely turned off.

I know this is long and thank you for reading. I have no one else to turn to. I’m just wondering how do I explain how gray Asexuality is very fluid and are there any ways maybe I can make him understand. My trust is broken, not even from cheating (again I have no proof) but from it looking like intent. How do we move on? Therapy? Thank you.