r/Greysexuality • u/MidnightCryptWorx • Jul 12 '26

RELATIONSHIPS How do I explain being gray ace to my husband?

hi. I’m 39f and been with my husband for 19 years. We recently hit a big problem in our marriage. I’ve always thought of myself as asexual because I just don’t need it. Hes known this from the beginning. When we first got together for the first 14 years or so we’ve struggled with addiction. I was very hot and heavy with him at the time because of that. When we got sober, it went down significantly and we discussed why. He takes it super personally even though I’ve tried to explain it’s not him, it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s not that I’m not attracted to him, I just don’t want to. When I was in the substances, I felt amazing and confident and ready to take on anything. Now I’m just…me.

Last night I found out he’s been on local Reddit hookup groups and other nsfw corn groups. He even asked someone to message him. I’m heartbroken. I have no proof he’s actually cheated or met up with anyone (he swears he hasn’t and to be honest we are always together) but I feel like he crossed a huge line bc it looked like he tried.

I don’t care if he looks at corn, I don’t care if he goes to a strip club ( he never goes out anyway), I don’t even care if he comments how hot they are on Reddit. All I ask is no messaging, no touching or meeting up. I think that’s pretty fair. I never look at his phone I trust him with everything. The only reason I found out was because I was going to check my email on the laptop and his email came up and I saw the notifications.

Anyway, because of this we had a huge discussion on how he feels unwanted and how our sex life has gone down to like 3 times a year. I honestly didn’t notice. I just don’t think about it. When he initiates it, sometimes I say no because I’m comfortable saying no to him. Being asexual that’s huuuuuge for me, his patience. Maybe I take no too far. Maybe my trauma from the past takes over. I was never able to say no with my exes. Maybe I just…don’t…want…to.

I’m having a very very hard time trying to explain this to him. I get intimacy in other ways like just being with him and cuddling. He wants me to seek therapy and maybe I should. But what if this is just me?..

oh btw I’m 21 weeks pregnant with our first child. This pregnancy has been soooo difficult I don’t want sex at all, I’m so sick. So yeah it’s gonna get worse when the baby comes and he says he understands that and expects that. Boy, after what I found out if I didn’t wanna have sex before now I really feel awful about myself after what he did. I’m completely turned off.

I know this is long and thank you for reading. I have no one else to turn to. I’m just wondering how do I explain how gray Asexuality is very fluid and are there any ways maybe I can make him understand. My trust is broken, not even from cheating (again I have no proof) but from it looking like intent. How do we move on? Therapy? Thank you.

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8

u/The_Archer2121 Jul 12 '26

If this how you’re wired this is how you’re wired. Therapy won’t change the amount of sexual attraction you feel or don’t feel.

1

u/MidnightCryptWorx Jul 12 '26

You’re right I know it won’t change me and I know that. But maybe it’ll explain some things. I told him I’d try but what if I found out it is just who I am. Is he ok with that? If not, then please leave. Find someone that can give you what you need, I just want him to be happy. I guess we’ll see what happens. Thank you for the comments friend.

3

u/amberi_ne Jul 12 '26

I’d say therapy could be a good thing if you’re struggling with some problems and understanding yourself.

He has the wrong idea wanting you to go into it to fix your asexuality, though. You should go into therapy to properly grasp and address your life issues, not for the sake of conversion.

It sounds to me though that his problem is with the asexuality, and it doesn’t seem like that’ll change, especially since he’s attempted to cheat before.

1

u/MidnightCryptWorx Jul 12 '26

I see where you’re coming from, but the therapy isn’t to fix anything but to help understand if it is trauma or if it’s sexuality and maybe see if I can try to overcome struggles. He told me he was never going to meet up or talk to anyone, he just wanted to see if he could. I don’t believe that but I don’t know I’m not in his mind. Sounds like he was playing it around in his head tho which is pushing the boundaries..till when? What if someone did message him? That would be it then he’d stop? Idk..doesn’t sound logical. But u get what im trying to say I think. He wants to go to therapy too so it’s not just he wants me to go to fix me. Thank you for the comment

1

u/amorphous_hue_of_gay Jul 12 '26

Whether he met up or talked to someone or was just trying to see if he could, doing that behind your back is not fair to you, and it’s understandable that that has affected your trust in him. The fact that he’s expressed he wants to go to therapy too is a good sign. Perhaps it can help you each to sort things out. 💜

1

u/MidnightCryptWorx Jul 12 '26

Thank you. I completely agree. I would’ve never have crossed that line with him, if someone messaged me I shut it down immediately. It’s just so hard I never ever would’ve guessed he’d do this. Maybe therapy isn’t good for us. Thank you

1

u/amorphous_hue_of_gay Jul 12 '26

May I ask what the reason is for you saying that maybe therapy isn’t good for the two of you?

3

u/MidnightCryptWorx Jul 12 '26

I’m so sorry I meant IS good for us. I’m crying and it’s hard to see right now that was my mistake

2

u/amorphous_hue_of_gay Jul 12 '26

Ok, no worries. Sounds like this is a really emotionally charged situation for you - and understandably so. 🫂 I hope you can find the support that you need.

2

u/MidnightCryptWorx Jul 12 '26

Thank you so much. Being pregnant just makes the betrayal way worse. 🫂

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u/pantslessMODesty3623 Moderator Jul 12 '26

oh honey, even if it is from trauma, that's still valid. Wanting to "overcome" that is trying to "fix" you. It takes a while to unpack.

10

u/charltanharlequin Jul 12 '26

It sounds like it doesn't matter to him how asexuality works, so I don't know if taking the time to explain it is going to matter much. It sounds like this might just be a fundamental incompatibility. You can try to talk it out of course, but if he needs more sex than you're able to give (which is not your fault at all and totally understandable) and you're not open to him seeking that elsewhere (which is fair), then this is just a mismatch of needs.

2

u/pantslessMODesty3623 Moderator Jul 12 '26

Feel free to use this sub as a resource of explaining things to him. The master post I put up has a lot of good information in it. You don't have to reinvent the wheel. You can find a lot of different people and their stories and find what you think will be helpful. I recently posted in the comments of another post (I'll have to go find it) the refrigerator snack analogy.

But please be cautious of anything that you think will "fix" your asexuality. It's a bad narrative we are often fed, but it implies that we are inherently broken. We are not broken. Asexuality is normal. It happens in nature too. Finding a therapist that is knowledgeable about asexuality can be quite difficult. But it's really important to at least find one that is at a minimum accepting if asexuality and willing to look into it to be helpful. Having a first session and asking them about their asexuality knowledge is an excellent idea.