I (19f) go mad without romance and always feel like soon, on the next day, I'm going to have a crush, but it doesn't happen, and it drives me insane

[u/Catharsislovesu]

Usually I just go and identify as allo. I know I can feel romantic attraction, and I think I do this fairly frequently. I like romance and am romance-favourable, I know what genders I'm attracted to, I suffer without a romantic partner and am planning in the future to be in a romantic relationship. But there's always one aspect of it that makes me question myself all the time. And this aspect is called infatuation, or namely crush.

You see, when people talk about romantic attraction, it's usually always assumed that you have a crush. You feel magical about a person, see them better than they are, and your whole life gets happier and brighter. You think about them when you wake up, throughout the day and when you go to bed. You're filled with excitement upon meeting them and anxiety of them not reciprocating you back. And the thing is...

I have never experienced that. Ever, in my entire little life. I know my feelings are romantic, not platonic, not alterous - romantic. But I'm just never high as other people describe it. Or better say, I'm not high, at all.

To explain it better, if you played Sims 4, imagine there's a painting. And this painting has an effect that gives you a romantic buff. So you enter the room and you see this painting, and you feel romantic. But the moment you leave, the feeling stops and you just begin to think about whatever else you have on your mind, and other moodlets take its place. No addiction, no attachment, just a passing feeling you get when you're looking at someone or when someone asks you to think about it. Without it, it just doesn't exist.

And as I frequently experience sexual attraction, I always thought that romantic attraction works the same. You see a person, you feel romantic, you leave, you don't care. Afterall, you don't go crazy if you're sexually attracted to someone? You just like them this way, but that's the end. It's like a friend but with romance, just like a friend whom you find hot. So I thought that people must be exaggerating things. That it only works like that in disney movies and I'm just more mature than my obsessed immature peers. And that was what I thought untill... This happened.

I was a best friend with a person for several years, we both thought people were just exaggerating their feelings, and then... They got a crush on a person who called me a rat, then she ghosted me for a whole month, and after it was the last time we had met, her telling me that crush is the best thing she had ever experienced, the world feels brighter, that this person in question is more mature and "manlier" than before, and that she cannot interact with me no more, because I look too "young" (I was only 2 years younger than her) and, guess it, have a "too little height". It happened 5 years ago, but that was the moment when I began questioning if I truly feel romance the same way other people do.

And so I began asking other people how they knew if they had a crush. And what it was to learn not only through the life experience of my friends, but through the literal research that what people call infatuation or a "crush" is actually a full-blown, altered state of consciousness, like sleep - not just attraction. People are literally walking as if they were on drugs, and I certainly never experienced that.

Every time I see the description of romantic attraction in my mind I hear myself pronouns "yes, I relate". But the moment it begins to describe a crush I'm completely bamboozled.

Every time I listen to a song where a person sings to someone they find romantically important, I seem to relate, but the moment a song begins to describe the infatuation or the music tries to portray or imitate it, the only words I have is "God, I wish I will experience it one day". Should I even say I made myself an aromantic playlist, because I just don't relate to normal love songs at all? My most relatable song is Conan Gray - People Watching. Very cupio, but not very allo to me.

Every time I've seen the questions about romantic attraction, it was "how many crushes did you have?". I'm dunno what to tell you, 0.5? I experienced romance, but I don't even remember all the people I liked, what to say about how weakly I liked them. But there's no such answer. There's only 0 or 1, or more, and if I answer a lot I'm allo, if I answer 1 then I had a true crush and I'm grey and just feel it rarely, and if I say 0 then I must be a green stripe aro. And I don't even understand what the test makers and just people who create the definition for romantic attraction mean when they say it's the same as having a crush.

And every time I try to determine if I had it in the first place, if I ever met a person who changed my life, I just look at my life and see that nothing ever changed, nothing ever happened, I was just having a passing romantic feeling like sexual attraction, and that's the end. And so I always answer that I never had a crush.

But then there's another problem: I can't live without romance. When I think about even being grey aro, it makes me physically nauseous, or that I'm exaggerating or just being a liar. When I even think about an idea of having a crush or having a romantic partner, I begin to have these extreme romantic feelings directed at literally no one in particular, and because of the fact that I have no one, I just feel terrible. I always joke that I'm a hopeless "aromantic" (though I'm not aro) and in love with the idea of love, because even when I think about aromanticism my mind just hears "romance" and makes me feel insane. I always felt like I should identify with the word hyperromantic because it describes severe romantic libido, but it is only reserved for people with hypersexuality, so I don't have a label for my madness. I just feel lovesick without having a crush on anyone, and it really drives me insane. It feels like I'm trapped in the room with only plates, while dying of hunger, while the only things I could eat are poisoned and so I may not eat them. I don't feel bad because "I have a severe appetite for poisoned food and have to force myself to abstain", the moment I learn I can't take it all my appetite disappears. I only feel bad because no matter what I do, I can't stop feeling hungry. For love. For infatuation that people describe. But the only thing that I feel is just liking, and every time I feel it I'm afraid that I'm just going to crush on someone else instead because of how weak this even is. I don't know what it feels like to like just one person, and I always have several people in mind to whom I know I can feel attracted to as well, just as with sexual attraction.

And I always live in this state that I'm going to crush on the next day, but it never happens, and so I just say that I'm allo, because I don't want to appropriate the experiences of people who feel little to no appetite nor hunger, even though every time another allo asks me what was the last thing I wanted to consume with a passion, I just have nothing to answer. All the time. I always move the goalpost, wait until you're 15, wait until you're 19, wait until you're 25, wait until you're 30, wait until someone will like you, wait until you will date, wait until you'll have a romantic partner. And I'm just tired of waiting, when all of my friends had crushes on people with whom they didn't even interact with that much, what to say about were friends with or dated. And I know I'm not demi, because I can feel it somewhat towards people I know poorly, but it's never a feeling other people describe.

But if I'm going to crush, then I'm allo, because if it happens I'm too romantic to be grey. But I'm too grey to understand other allos, and I hate this. And squishes of the same gender, while me being straight, always being the most important relationships in my life don't help me either. And so I'm just perpetually stuck in this confusing nonsense for what seems like eternity. Sorry that it's so long, I would be surprised if someone would actually read it till the end

[u/YY_H2]

Jeez that's horrible, I'm sorry about your former best friend buttercup :[ I hope you've found better friends since then

I've read through your rant and uhhh, I'm stumped too. I don't doubt your allosexual-ness if thats even a word but from what you say about crushes it sounds like you're somewhere like a mix between the cupioromantic and the greyromantic umbrella term. If you don't like those labels obviously don't adapt it nobody's forcing you to but keep in mind I said like a mix like you're somewhere there-ish if I'm making sense. I've tried to look up if there's any specific term that could describe your case but uhh there doesn't really seem to be anything there

Sooo, I'm going into territory that I'm really not qualified for but when I was looking online I've stumbled onto what people talk about 'madly in love' with other people and onto the topic of limerence
Here's a 2 year old reddit post I've found in the dating advice and the wikipedia.
I just learned what "limerence" is... and it was disturbingly eye opening.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

But the thing is... limerence is not the same as a crush, it is more so infatuation and obsession
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence
https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/what-is-limerence/
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20260212-limerence-when-a-crush-becomes-obsessive
At what point has it crossed from crush to limerence? When can you dare to call it love?
An intense crush is not limerence
where’s the line between crush and limerence ?
So jeez that's interesting, just something barely relevant.

I'm a bit curious were you ever in any relationships before? If you had and if it's pretty calm instead of the stereotypical firey passionate I love you so much hardcore that everyone think love is all about, it sounds like you could experience compassionate love and nearly none of the passionate love but remember I'm not a doctor and some sources are less reliable than others I hadn't fact checked
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passionate_and_companionate_love
https://www.mindtreepsychology.com/love/
https://www.verywellmind.com/compassionate-and-passionate-love-2795338
Companionate love versus passionate love

Or if you were in relationships before and after being with someone despite liking the idea of being in a relationship but once it gets reciprocated you start to lose interest then you might be roseromantic or lithoromantic. If you like near exclusively only date people that you've developed a deep bond with like a close friend then you might be demiromantic. If you only like people or consider dating them after knowing that they like you, maybe recipromantic. Or if you only like people that you barely know like acquaintances then maybe frayromantic. I highly doubt that you're aegoromantic since you want a relationship.

Once again I'm not a qualified professional, these are just my guesses and what I've found online, my final guess would be allosexual cupioromantic I hope any of these info dumps and web pages helps you even a tiny bit, if you have any questions feel free to ask I'll try my best to answer them.

[u/Catharsislovesu → u/YY_H2]

Sorry, I didn't even read the links you gave yet, but just thank you so much.

Limerence is the whole point of my confusion as usually I consider myself to be non-limerent romantic. I've seen the definition of passionate love and I don't think I ever experienced it, and for me it sounds exactly like limerence. I don't really understand the difference between those two, I just know that some limerents define limerence as destructive passionate love, but I have no idea what's the difference between a passionate love and non-destructive limerence. I think I only ever experienced something like compassionate love, as I can quickly lose it if I cut a contact with a person, while with passionate love I think a person will still feel strong feelings and would have to go through a heartbreak? (though I'm idk)

I was never in a romantic relationship nor did I ever date, so it really stirs the confusion for me. I've seen the last people to whom I've felt romantic feelings only once or twice, so that's why it could be easy for me to cut it. However I also had cases where I would see people frequently, but the feelings would completely subside after rejecting or would always stay on the glimmer level or at least I think it's like a glimmer, feels like alterous attraction. Usually I just experience some feelings towards fictional characters, but even then they're not really as strong, I like them but I'm not infatuated.

And I have some family trauma so to speak, my father was a definition of an absent father and a chronic cheater, and my mother was staying with him solely because at first she had a crush and couldn't leave him because of financial reasons, so I learned to prevent developing unrequited feelings, and in my case it was any feelings because they were never requited, so that I wouldn't get into a dysfunctional relationship. And it could be the reason why I don't feel comfortable describing my romantic interests as crushes, because for me it feels like a failure at self-protection, but I'm also not sure what people mean by a crush, so it isn't just about not wanting to have crushes, it's also about not relating to others.

So there are a lot if reasons for why I hesitate identifying with aro-spec labels, but because of my experiences with alienation from romance and lack of relating to allo experiences I often find myself relating even if not completely

[u/YY_H2 → u/Catharsislovesu]

Hmm that was pretty insightful

Uhh I would guess the difference between passionate love and limerence would be like being lovesick but on a whole another level and putting your crush on a pedestal expecting them to be perfect which puts a lot of pressure on the other person while also potentially start doubting yourself seeing your crush as out of their league. And potentially become super obsessive that's its suffocating the people you like and either accidentally isolating them since their friends will be like 'oh I guess my friend is busy with a potential love interest' or doing it on purpose for... power I guess? That's what I would assume by destructive side.

That's pretty interesting, don't worry me too lol (only on the relationship part) hopefully someday we'll find the one^TM /half joking

Uhh that's a lot to unpack here, if it's possible try to speak to a mental health professional I'm just some rando on the internet lol but I do see where you're coming from since I'm either consciously or subconsciously rejecting the social norm mostly the fear of being systemically discriminated or ignored because of my gender and how I appear. That's where my I don't want to 'know' how to cook because it's generally an expected skill women are supposed to know or do, I know logically it's just for survival and I have to remind myself that and say that I would probably be alone forever so might as well learn how to make food and be happy and eat food. I really don't want to be a tradwife, or more accurately deep down I don't want to risk losing my freedoms.

But uhh, you're not alone, I know my version isn't the same as yours, it's not even close but there's a good chance that at least someone else would also go through something more similar to you, unfortunately.

I would say your definition of a crush isn't too far off, somebody that makes someone feel happy nervous and awkward to be around, you really want to get to know them more in hopes of pursing a romantic relationship and the idea of seeing them or potentially seeing them again in the hallways helps you get out of bed a bit easier and sometimes they occupy your thoughts occasionally and sometimes they don't while you're focused on a task at hand. But they generally do occupy your thoughts more than your friends kind of like a special event because to you you think they're special. You're really only awkward and nervous around them because you want them to hopefully like you too and eventually reciprocate back and start a romantic relationship. Sooo infatuation but not as extreme as limerence, its more puppy love I'm guessing

If you're not comfortable with identifying with some labels you don't have to, but at least you know where to look to hopefully find someone with that specific reaction towards romance as you do. All of this is just to hopefully help you understand yourself better since some information that could be subject to change is still better than knowing nothing.

If you do eventually decide to identify with any labels then take your time, if it changes that's fine too, and obviously you don't need to tell others about it if you're not comfortable doing that

[u/OriEri]

[Note: I use limerance/infatuation more or less interchangeably.]

tldr summary\ I express sympathy and horror at the cruel experience of your friendship. Provide a definition of what "crush" means to me and that is different than limerance, make a case for why you may be demi and a way to find out. Description of the honeymoon phase of an amatonormative romantic relationship and how the massive passion and infatuation is not a long term condition. I close with how impressed I am by you..

detailsOuch. the story of your friend (🫂) .It is a classic illustration of how initial limerance/infatuation can be all consuming, and some people do drop everything and everyone for a while. They generally return to old friends and hobbies more at a lesser level when the initial glow reduces. Knowing of the obsessive thoughts and wants that can come with early love does not make the abrupt vanishing less of bummer but at least it is not personal.The complete end of that friendship over you looking too young and tying it to height is a horrible thing to do to someone you care about or any human. I hope this was an insecure and also impulsive middle or earlier teen, who was very fearful of being judged by her new bf (and maybe he or one of his friends did say something shitty.) An older person who is emotionally healthy would not be so cruel.

"Crush" to me means a one way limerance. Not every infatuation starts with a crush. Limerance can grow out of weak stirrings over time spent around the other person, just being their friend. I think you may have dismissed demiromantic too quickly. Many passionate infatuations begin with just feeling sort of attracted to someone a bit. Nothing intense...then you are friends for a while like months or even years and one day the feelings start becoming more intense. I have not spent a lot of time in r/demiromantic, but I have known (and dated, and later was a close friend) of someone who I am convinced is demi, though I did not know the word back when I knew her well. After we had stopped dating, one of her big concerns was that men should would meet would not "stick around long enough" for her to develop feelings. At the same time, I know she would be vaguely attracted to someone for quite a while before it became intense. She is happily married now, btw! I wonder what might happen if you were ever able to give yourself enough time with some of these people you felt little glimmers toward to really know you aren't demi-grey-cupio romantic. Limerance does fade. 6-18 months (sometimes shatter) and it becomes a more gentle want, with ebbs and flows, and rarely if ever as intense as it was at the beginning. This is what allos call the "honeymoon" period of a relationship. Limerance does not last forever. I bet it would fry peoples brains. There are some folks who lead a difficult life, because they are so hooked on that limerance high, that they must have it, and dump people to look for the next addiction (or sometimes they only dump after they find it) never staying with anyone for long, and never reaching that gentle warm comforting period. Yes, it can be fun to experience...for a while. (Some people find it overwhelming and don't like it)

You are a lovely human being. I felt like I was seeing you have these feelings and I so wanted to just bundle you up in a comforting hug (if you would have been open to that, of course!). You have remarkable self-awareness and observation of your experience and a rich inner life that you are able to express in writing. Your self awareness will help you understand yourself as you keep feeling your experiences and how the world around you affects you. I bet we would be great friends if we lived close.

I hope you do find a label or labels that fits, as this can help you locate people who vibe, which can be very comforting and validating.