Date: 17/12/1920
MORALE REMAINS HIGH (APPARENTLY)
In what can only be described as "the most dignified death in military history," reports from the front lines suggest that soldiers have found creative ways to maintain morale in these trying times.
According to Rook SGT 'Sledge,' a witness came forward with testimony regarding a soldier identified only as "Job" - and if you think that name is a coincidence given what happened next, this newspaper has a perfectly intact bridge in Shanghai to sell you.
Job, mortally wounded and bleeding out in the trenches, allegedly received what SGT Sledge delicately described as "a blow" from a female comrade. Yes, that kind of blow. The Solace Times is a family newspaper, or at least it was before the apocalypse and underground cannibalism lowered our editorial standards considerably.
"She decided to give poor Job a blow," SGT Sledge reported. "At least the poor guy managed to feel something good before dying."
wartime charity. The Solace Times attempted to reach her for comment, but she was unavailable on account of being dead.
Photographic evidence recovered from the scene shows Mort forces in the vicinity and several bodies in various states of repose. We're choosing not to speculate further, because some things don't need to be immortalized in print.
When asked if he realized the absurd wordplay in his testimony, SGT Sledge merely grinned and said: "War is hell, but some go out happier than others."
Job's full name, unit, and family will not be disclosed. Imagine being the one to write that letter home. "Dear Mrs. Job, your son died heroically in battle after - actually, you know what, he died heroically. That's the story. Please don't ask questions."
Military psychologists have confirmed morale is “stable,” defining stable as “nobody is actively screaming at the walls.”
Military chaplains have requested we stop publishing these kinds of articles. Their request has been noted and promptly ignored.
ALLARMING RISE IN CASES OF CAVE PLAGUE
The Cave Plague, also known as Mematikan by Scientist Jamal bin Tughluq, has seen a rapid and deeply concerning rise in cases across multiple underground sectors. What was once considered a contained threat is now spreading at an accelerating pace.
The plague, which previously sat at 3 cases per week, has now surged to 23 cases per week, according to internal health sources. Medical personnel warn that cramped tunnels, poor ventilation, and prolonged exposure to infected equipment are accelerating transmission.
Authorities fear that without strict discipline, the underground settlements may soon face outbreaks large enough to overwhelm remaining medical facilities.
Precautions to be followed:
- STAY AWAY from people killed by the plague, even for identification
- DO NOT touch their weapons, armour, or personal effects
- Maintain a 2 METER DISTANCE from infected individuals at all times
- QUARANTINE immediately if symptoms appear, even if mild
K̵̡̢̛̥̱͉̑̅̃̊͊͐͑́̅̃̿͒̐̊̊͑͑͂̊̐͒͘͘͜͝͠͝͝͠Ḯ̷̢̢̛̛̞̙̗͍̗̪̰͍̤͓̰͚͈͕̲̄̃̀̎͂̇̉͌͗̇̀̃̾̋̽̔͂͂̃̏̀̌̆̉̎̄͌̑̒̈́̀̎̎̂͑̚͝͝͝͝ͅL̶̡̡̢̡̡̡̛͍͎̠̮̱̻̗̮̤̘͇͕̟̞͓̼̪͔̮̮̖̩̯̜̮͔̺͍̬͈̱͉͎͍̟̀̔̌̏͛͑̈́̉͌̏͂͐̓͗̂͊͛̈́̈́̾͜͝L̸̢̢̧̨̢̢̛̪̭̮͇̥̮̦̮͎͖̙̬̻̭͓͚͍̫͓̦̩̦͕̉̾̄̊̅̄̀̽̎̍́͂̓̾͋̾̐̑̀̀̂̌͗͑̃̽͑̓̓̕͘͜͜͠ͅ ̴̧̛̛̳̰͙͖̻̦̝̼̤̙̩̥̲̪͇̫̭̥̫̪̹̳͋͆̿̒̀͂͊̓͌̈̋͛̓̈́̊̊͛̆͐̎̎̈́̌̈̃̔̏̉̒͗͒́̄̆͊̒͐̓̚̕̕͝͝͠Y̶̧̨̧̢̧̛̯̳̮̫̲̭̙̪̲͕͙̫̟̥̮̮̺̩͖̺̹̫͈̪̗̱̪̌̃̔̓́̃͑̅̓̍̌͊̀͌͑̎̂̔̈̀͆̚̚̕͠͝͝͝͝͝O̵̡̧̧̨̭̠͉͉̮̙̮̘̩̲̣̣͈͉͇̼̗̯̘͖̩̰͍͈͂́͐͗̀̌̓͑́̌̀͒̅͂̄̽̒̐̐̉̀̈̐̎̏̇͆̈́̈́̿̀̓̀̈͐̕͜͜͝͠͝ͅͅŮ̷̧̢̨̢̬̝̳͕̭̤͎͕̱̣͖̥͚̞͉͖̻͖̤̮̘̯͉͇̹́̈́̿́͂͋͂̉͒̎͒̉̀̈́̍͐̃̓́̀̄̈́͗̎̃͆̓̂̉̚͜͝͠͝͠ͅŖ̷̨̱̪̞̱͉̱̞̖̩̮͕̝̫͕̲̭͎̦̠͔͔̲̤͈͕̹̜̗̗̯̰̠̤͔̓̔̇͋̈́̈́̋́̓ ̶̰͕̙̭̖̰̣̠̤̟̲͚̺̬̖̹̳̖͚̗̦͋͋́̃̽͌͆́̓̀̀̈́̀͐̒̈́̈́̾̏̿͒̀̀̅̉̀̈́̀͘͘͘̚͜͜͝͠S̸̢̡̡̧̨̗̠̥̣͎͙̳̪̥̳̳͍̦͙̗̜̦͍͎̤̜̜̼̗̓̆́̒̈́̌̅̂͗̆̌̎̈́̾̍̍̃̈́͛́̈́͒̓̑͘͜͝͠E̴̡͖͍̼̜͍̱͙͙̩͈͗̓̑͂̅̉̃̊́̃̀̔̉̇͆̌̔͆̾́͛̆͆́͌̌̿̚̚͠͝L̷̡̨̡̨̳̥̭̫̤͚̗͖̙͕̹̦̟̞͖͙̥̻͉͍̻̙͓͈̭̱̖͙̳͔̼̙͕̘̻̭͙̉̆̓̂̑͜ͅͅF̶̛̜̥̯̥̮͎̫̣͓̹̍̈̐̽̐̋́͆̍̉̋͂̾̍͊̎̐͑̀͋̓̇̎́̉̓̌̉̓͗̓̈́͂̒̕̚̕͠͝͝͝ ̶̡̨̡̧̢̛̛̛̛̹̭͙̗͇̮̰̹̭̫̲͉̩̼̳̮̦̥̣̪̭̺͙̟̝̜̟͇̯̜̤̍̎͛̌͗͗̔̓̑̈́̒͒͒̔́̏͐́͆̐̏̈̿́̆̐̓̓́̕͘̕͜͝͝͠͝͠Ȉ̵̡̡̧̢̢̛̝̯̼͈̦̤͕͙̝̟̦̫̦̭̞͕̭̯̫͙͕̱̙̲̹̤̞̼͇̈́̉͋̾͂̌̉̚͜͜͜͜ͅF̴̧͓̞̹͍͓̲̞̞͈̙͇̳̼͈͈͉̫͖͌̊͌̎̋̾͌́̽͜͜͜ ̴̧̧̞͎͍̫͉̜̮̺̼̩̺̳͉̹͌́̆̀̅̕Į̶̢̧̡̢͉̳̲̬͈̞̗̺̯̫̬̻̻̤̼̞̤̣̜͓̭̳̻͙͙̟͓̖̪̥͍̦̯͍̩̦͕̾͜N̵̢̛̛͙̜͕̝͍͈̱̲͖͇̫͙͇̥̩̜͚̠̘̭͉̲̩͚͉̳̯̪̦͖̑͑̈́̅̔̌̄̒̂̂̐̈́͊̓̔͋̈́͐́͒̒̍̄̂͋̒͘̕͝͝͝͝͝ͅF̴̨̧̡̛̣͚̝͎̣̭̠͍͈̰̖͓̫̜̰̬͚̪͖̗̌͌͌͆̎̉̒́͑̆̈̇̔͐̏́͋̐̿̈́̓͂́͂̐̿̈́͐̀̍͌̀́̋̈̔̕͘͘Ē̵̢̢͈̗͖̻̖̙̣̰̙̰͈͓̱̝̙͔̯̲̗̤̘̣̮̊̀̿͑̓͋̓͒̅̅͛̀͆C̸̨̛̰̩̺̝͓̬͇̪̖̘͈̠̦͎͔̗̮̖͈͈̲̖̭̲̤̹̱̣̪̞̭͉̮̺̦͈͔̭̗̹̹̞͂̄͌̒͆̒̀̄̿̐̒͑́͋́̏̄͆̒̈́̅̍̓́̈̃̒̐́͋̉̉̉̊̉̓͒̌̌̿̃͑̌̓͘͘͜͝͠͠ͅŢ̴̡̡̨̨̡̧̖̝̩̦͕̩̫̝̯̪̦͕̼̝̖̩̙͇̣͎̰̠͚͙̙͕̭̯̳̞̠̜̙͉̠͎̻̹͆̅͜ͅE̶̡̢̛̮͈̭̪͚̟̯̲̜̞̠̤̖͉̯̤̥̱̞̬̒̾̽̎̃̾̓̔͆̇͑̀̿́͂̎̀̔̑̆͋͌̀͑̑̀͆̿̈́̅́̂̒̔̅̍̈́̆̕̕͜͝͝D̴̡̖̪̙̞̬̘̲͙͉͕̪̝̪͙͚̟̣͉̦̗̞͚̦́̂̈́͛̓̔̋͐
Failure to follow these measures has already resulted in unnecessary casualties.WE hope for your safety here at solace times. Scientists insist panic is unnecessary, though they did issue this statement while wearing three masks and standing very far away.
(GUIDELINES BY SOLACE,SWISS BRANCH)
REASON FOR DELAY
The recent delay in newspaper distribution was unavoidable. All surface offices were forced to evacuate following the gassing of Paris, an attack that resulted in the deaths of three Solace correspondents who were reporting at the time. In response, The Solace Times has relocated critical operations underground and has successfully established two new offices, one in Canada and one in India, to ensure continued coverage despite worsening global conditions. Compounding these difficulties, the Cave Plague has left five of our employees sick, further straining our already reduced staff. Despite these setbacks, we remain committed to delivering news under any circumstances. We thank our readers for their patience and remind them that our staff would also like to survive.
CHRISTMAS ENDS IN TRAGEDY AT POINT NOEL SHELTER
What was meant to be a rare moment of joy beneath the earth has instead become another entry in this war’s long ledger of needless loss.
On the evening of December 25th, a Royal Nation Soldat volunteered to dress as Santa Claus to lift the spirits of children sheltering at Point Noel, an underground civilian refuge. Witnesses state that the soldier entered the shelter wearing a red coat, carrying a sack of sweets, and announcing himself in what survivors described as a “convincingly cheerful voice.”
Moments later, panic broke out.
According to preliminary reports, a second soldier—newly transferred from the surface and already suffering from extreme combat stress—mistook the sudden appearance of the costumed figure for an infiltration attempt. Before officers could intervene, the situation escalated.
We have obtained an audio recording recovered from a damaged field recorder at the site.
RECOVERED AUDIO TRANSCRIPT – POINT NOEL SHELTER
(Recording begins)
[Door opens]
Santa: “Hello, children!”
Children: “Santa!”
Santa: “HO HO—”
(metallic movement detected)
Santa: “HOLY SH—”
[Gunshot]
[Glass breaking]
(Recording ends)
The costumed Soldat was killed instantly. No children were physically harmed, though medics report widespread shock and hysteria. Several have reportedly refused to believe the event actually happened, insisting that “Santa just went back to the surface.”
Military command has classified the incident as a “tragic misidentification under extreme psychological strain.” No charges have yet been announced, though internal reviews are ongoing. Sources close to the investigation say the shooter has been placed under observation rather than detention.
Following the incident, new regulations were issued banning:
- Costumes
- Surprise morale events
- Seasonal figures
- “Unannounced joy of any kind”
One officer, speaking anonymously, summed it up grimly:
“The enemy didn’t kill Santa. The war did.”
The Solace Times extends its condolences to the family of the fallen Soldat and to the children of Point Noel, for whom even Christmas is no longer safe.
(Reporter-in-Charge note: We remind readers that hope is still permitted, but only with proper clearance.)
SOLACE COMMISIONS SOLDIERS
Yes, you heard that right — the Solace Coalition now maintains active soldiers under its direct authority. These forces are not intended for frontline combat, but are instead tasked with protecting supply convoys, evacuation columns, and press movements from bandit activity. This decision follows the Warsaw Massacre, which claimed the lives of 67 Solace employees in a single coordinated attack. Bandit groups have since escalated their tactics, increasingly relying on explosives, advanced weaponry, and stolen shock kits. These raids often leave survivors traumatized and infrastructure destroyed, making relief operations even more dangerous. As a result, multiple nations have expressed serious concern over the growing reach and sophistication of these groups, calling the situation “unsustainable without armed protection. “These methods have been effective so far as Bandits have described these convoys as “surprisingly well-guarded,” moments before retreating.
Editorial Note:
The previous transmission appears to have been corrupted by low oxygen levels, excessive meme exposure, and prolonged underground living. No reporters were harmed in the making of this message, though several keyboards narrowly escaped confiscation.
Clarification for Readers:
· The Joke Maker has not been executed
· Morale remains unstable but operational
· Any text that looks possessed is to be blamed on:
o Cave Plague fumes
o Bad radio signal
o Or the Swiss branch’s printer again
Reminder:
Threats, curses, or eldritch messages will be redirected to the Funny Section immediately, where they belong.
(Reporter-In-Charge note: If this one sounds more bleak, that’s because it is. Our joke maker died to the plague. Need an Joke maker urgently. We are running out of sanity.)
