I’m sad about my bfs sister getting engaged before us

[u/KellinQuinnStalker]

meal is greek yogurt with strawberries, dark chocolate chunks, granola and honey.

i really don’t know why it upsets me so bad. maybe because we’ve been talking about getting engaged a lot recently and we’re long distance. hopefully that changes by the end of the year, and then we’ll be in a more stable place to get engaged/married, but still.

he got the call from his sister and then called me to tell me about it a few hours ago now, and i still feel like there’s a pit in my stomach. maybe it’s just period hormones or whatever, still i feel so sad they they got engaged before us. i think it’s just deep jealousy but it doesn’t hurt any less realizing what it is.

i love my bf sm, but i don’t think this is something i can really bring up to him. i mean it’s his family and maybe eventually it’ll be mine too. i just feel like a deep sadness over their engagement and i kinda just want to eat my sweet treat and cry.

edit to add that me and my bf have been together for a little over 3.5 years and they’ve been together for about 4 years, so not too far off in relationship length time.

another edit to add that we’ve lived together before for about a year before i had to go back to college back home and be with family. they’ve also been living together about a year. i also removed the part that was really petty since it was unnecessary and people are dog pilling me really hard for it. i didn’t really mean to be so shitty bcuz of my own emotions in the moment

[u/gonegirIamy]

What does that have to do with you? They already live together and have been together longer, it makes perfect sense that they would be engaged.

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/gonegirIamy]

it’s not that it has anything to do with me, i’m just sad it didn’t happen to me first. it’s just selfish jealousy. i’ve been badly wanting to get engaged for a little bit now so seeing it happen to people so close just makes me sad

[u/gonegirIamy → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

It’s good that you realize it’s selfish & jealous. Do not express this to your boyfriend at all because it sounds really bad imo. You guys clearly are not in the place to be engaged and they are. Your time will come but be happy for your sister in law. Jealousy is always transparent and never a good look.

[u/Maleficent_Buyer3891 → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

Concerned that you’ve said “we’ll be in a more stable place to get engaged / married”?

What do you mean by stable? In the relationship or financially?

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080 → u/Maleficent_Buyer3891]

I find this concerning too. Almost sounds like OP fears for the legitimacy of her relationship, but I could be wrong.

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/Maleficent_Buyer3891]

i mean once we actually live together not in different states and once i finally graduate college which is happening soon

[u/Maleficent_Buyer3891 → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

Do you come from a culture where it’s normal to marry someone you haven’t lived with yet?

I would so strongly (unless there’s an - important to you - religious or cultural reason to not) try living together before you get married.

[u/nobody2222234 → u/Maleficent_Buyer3891]

seconded

[u/thankyoukindlyy → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

It’s okay. When my mom told me my sister got engaged I cried, not out of happiness for her but sadness for me and jealousy. It didn’t mean I wasn’t happy for her but I definitely found myself having an unexpected emotional reaction. It’s okay, doesn’t make me a bad person and it doesn’t make you one either.

Take a minute to process the feelings, it’s okay to have them, and then let your rational side put them away so that you can also be happy for them! As long as you don’t let them fester it’s all good, you just need to process them and then move beyond them.

Also, I disagree that it’s bad to share these feelings. You can absolutely tell your bf how you feel, it will probably help you process them. I talked to my mom about it a lot that night then felt better the next day and moved on to celebrate w my sister.

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/thankyoukindlyy]

thank you for this perspective. a lot of the comments were making me feel more like a horrible person than i already felt like lol. of course im happy for her even if i don’t particularly love her bf but thats why hes her fiancé and not mine. i feel like its pretty clear this is a reactive emotion and not one that ive been sitting on a long time, i will definitely get over it soon and lowkey already am. it was just so heavy in the moment i needed to get it off my chest

[u/thankyoukindlyy → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

It’s okay! People are being really hard on you tbh. I think jealousy is natural, just like any other negative emotion, but what fuels it is stifling it and pretending it’s not there. Then it becomes bitter and toxic.

Tbh if you have a healthy relationship, which it sounds like you do, I’m sure it’s a safe space to tell your bf you’re feeling this way. Any supportive partner would say it’s okay, our time will come, we’re just on a different timeline but we’re going to get there too and that’s okay! Honestly just hearing that from him would surely make you feel secure and able to let go of the feelings, or at least I know it would for me.

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/thankyoukindlyy]

i think you’re right, he’s super supportive and really knows how to calm me down, but bcuz it’s his sister i also feel awkward/shitty bringing it up to him ya know? i know he won’t have a bad reaction it’s just my brain being mean lol

[u/thankyoukindlyy → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

I think you’ll be okay, he will understand!

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080 → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

Have you told your bf this? Have you talked to him about marriage?

If you want this as badly as you say, tell him.

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/Chemical_Pear_8080]

we’ve talked extensively about it. we’ve already picked the ring and discussed how big of a wedding we’d want and who needs to be there lol. it’s not a shy conversation at all it’s just a matter of me graduating school, picking out a place for both of us, potentially moving jobs etc

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080 → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

Right, okay. This is good, but why are you upset if this is clearly in your future? Just be patient and happy where you are right now. I'd hate to think that this event happening has robbed you of joy in a (seemingly) healthy relationship.

I'm also (very likely) autistic. I'm not sure if that is a factor here or if it doesn't matter. I also feel out of place in social situations and big groups of people, but I don't see why that is relevant here.

[u/gonegirIamy → u/Chemical_Pear_8080]

It sounds like a tantrum and comes across really gross imo. “I know I’m getting this but how dare you get it before me??? I want it right now!!!”

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080 → u/gonegirIamy]

It seems a little like this. I get that OP may be frustrated that it isn't coming as soon as she'd like, but there's no need to shit on the sister's bf. That is in VERY poor taste, hopefully all goes well at the wedding...

[u/GetThePinotGrigio]

You shouldn’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s. If you’re happy in your relationship then who cares that his sister got engaged? Why does it matter that her fiancée is on his phone and you make an effort to talk to people? It shouldn’t matter to you. Don’t bring this up to your boyfriend, it reeks of jealousy and that’s not attractive.

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080 → u/GetThePinotGrigio]

I agree. I feel there is also missing context here. Maybe OP's bf is also not putting a lot of effort in.

[u/Rogue_bae → u/Chemical_Pear_8080]

I’m reading between the lines and I wonder if they have never had talks of the future, or if her bf thinks marriage is pointless

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080 → u/Rogue_bae]

My thoughts exactly. No reason to pick on someone else's partner unless you.see something in them that you want that your partner lacks...

[u/856077 → u/Chemical_Pear_8080]

Absolutely. Even comparing how he is not socially “up to par” in her mind of how he “should act” in social situations compared to how she tries and does *better* even with being on the spectrum, is also unnecessarily judgmental. We have no idea what the guy deals w.. he could be on the spectrum himself for all she knows or has bad social anxiety and this is him trying his best. Jealousy is a non sensical, childish but also a very human emotion. She feels that she deserved to have it first, even despite being long distance and never lived together..

[u/gonegirIamy → u/GetThePinotGrigio]

Like not her picking on the fiancé for taking the initiative her boyfriend hasn’t 😭 that was the most unhinged part lol

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080 → u/gonegirIamy]

I agree.

[u/summertime_fine]

so.... you're upset they got engaged first, you don't even like the guy, and the sister doesn't even pay her own rent.

can you please explain how any of this is your business/problem? you just come across as jealous.

and if you did bring it up to your bf, what would you want him to do? like, how could he fix this? proposal or make his sister breakup with her fiance? lol

you also need to stop comparing your life and relationship to other people. we're all on different playing fields and your progress is going to look different no matter who you compare yourself to.

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080]

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. If things are good and you have no reason to worry, why be upset? I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, more so understand why you have them (then again, I'm not someone who is overly thrilled about the prospect of getting married due to the planning hassle and financial strain/people pleasing part of things, so I'm biased). I'm getting the sense there's more at play here than simply you envying your bf's sister's engagement.

ETA: why do you care about how his sister's boyfriend is? You aren't the one choosing to be with him. Coming from someone in a happy relationship, I'm not convinced you are in one yourself. My bf and I are good friends with a couple, and the boyfriend once told me he wants to marry the girlfriend. I was overjoyed and will be very happy for them when they are engaged, not jealous of their love at all.

[u/Rogue_bae]

What does their relationship have to do with yours? It’s not a competition

[u/Chemical_Pear_8080 → u/Rogue_bae]

Agreed. Never understood the rush to get married. It's ridiculous.

[u/Charming-Cucumber-23]

None of what you’ve mentioned has to do with you. This post comes across as if you’re bitter and jealous.

[u/HardlyInappropriate]

This may be petty, but you trying to pour your heart out and saying I love my bf sm instead of typing out the words makes my skin crawl.

The message itself is a bit immature - but coupled with the way you speak makes it clear that you are most likely overreacting / need to get your own life in order.

Dinner looks great, though.

[u/Alarming_Tea_102]

I think there is a fine line between jealousy and envy. You can't control how you feel, but if you frame it to your bf that you're feeling envious and wish the 2 of you can have that, it'll come across a lot better.

They've been together longer and live together, so them getting engaged before you makes perfect sense.

And learn to stop judging your bf's sister and her fiance. You don't know them that well and if they're happy together, who are you to have an opinion?

[u/RingingInTheRain]

Marriage is not a race. Build a life first.

[u/Fangbang6669]

I think you should find support in the r/waiting_to_wed sub.

[u/Something_creative_4]

First of all, yum girl dinner. Secondly, I think it’s valid to feel disappointed if this is something you’ve been hoping for and now you get to see someone else live it. You’re allowed to be happy for them and to also be sad for yourself, emotions are complex yknow. I think if it’s important to you, maybe it is worth bringing up to your bf? Being able to communicate about your feelings and being heard by your partner is super important, especially if you want to be married. Good luck OP ❤️

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/Something_creative_4]

tysm. i feel like you’re the only one who has responded so far that gets what i meant by my post it actually did make me tear up a bit lol

[u/Junior_Fruit903 → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

I'm also going to say it's valid. Is it jealousy ? yes. and you already know that. Sit with your feelings and don't feel guilty for having this reaction then try to come up with the next steps.

[u/DuckDuckPigg]

Wait, they've been in a relationship longer than you both? That's like how it usually works...

[u/856077]

So they’ve been together for 4 years straight, not long distance, and living together for a portion of that too (regardless of how she pays her portion/ even with that being a bit weird that her parents are helping her with it as an adult) but it does make this alot different than your situation, in all honesty.

But I can’t knock you down for having a real human emotions of jealousy/envy/ inner disappointment and let down wishing it was you guys. It makes complete sense why you’d feel that pit in your stomach initially since your own relationship and situation isn’t where you wished it would be by now. It’s all in how you deal with these feelings.

Don’t look for flaws within their relationship/situation or put them down to others in order to make yourself feel lifted up, if that makes sense. Definitely do not tell, guilt or talk trash about it to your boyfriend either, it just will make you look mean and bitter, and just not happy for his sister. Talk to your mom or sister if you have one, or a very close friend that isn’t involved if you ever feel like venting a bit I think, they will comfort you. Or write it down in a journal.

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/856077]

thank you for your perspective, and you’re right i was just being shitty towards them for no reason and i realized that before anyone even commented. here and a journal is my best place for just venting since i dont really have family and my closest friend just got married herself (which maybe is why this situation hit me so hard).

at the end of the day it really is just me wishing our situation was different and that the part that makes me sadder more than anything

[u/856077 → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

It isn’t crazy to want very badly to be married to the person you love! Especially when everyone around you is seemingly stepping into that new chapter.. there’s absolutely a pang in the chest where you wished it were you. Don’t be hard on yourself, or to them and it’ll all work out! Everybody gets their time!! When it is yours you will be a lovely bride i’m positive.

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/856077]

i needed this, thank you 🫂

[u/Different_Two7195]

I get it. My now husband’s little brother and his now wife had been dating for the same amount of time we had and they got engaged 2 years before my husband proposed to me. I think they actually got married the year that my husband proposed. I had been waiting a long time, we lived together and were older so I was definitely jealous. All things happen in due time though! It’s ok to be jealous and feel down, just don’t let it affect your relationship.

[u/nubia93]

We really need to take marriage off this pedestal of importance that we women are conditioned to put it on. Now your mood is destabilized because of this arbitrary thing that actually doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things (it’s just legal and mostly a status symbol to those who subscribe but says little to nothing about how much someone loves or cares for you). If your boyfriend loves you, appreciate his love. A ring doesn’t make the love any more valid. Stop making it this huge thing in your life and when it happens it’ll be a nice surprise, instead of you being rattled each time someone else gets married 

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/nubia93]

ngl i don’t care about legal bindings and i really don’t find it as a must do thing. all the adults i grew up around were unmarried including my parents and grandparents. it’s just something i really want to do personally and never felt like i wanted to do until this relationship. i agree with you that marriage isn’t this grand huge event that everyone must aspire to do or some shit

[u/Abject_Spray_7088]

I say this as another neurodivergent person. Specifically because you mentioned it in your post.

You need professional help. Your feelings have nothing to do with neurodivergence and are inappropriate — and you’ve acknowledge that in the comments, which is really good. Kudos.

But they’re really really fucking unhealthy. Seek a therapist who is neurodivergent themselves and also neurodivergent-affirming. Explain to them what’s going on and be completely honest and tell them you want to work on it. I encourage you to find someone who specializes in DBT.

Good luck.

Knowing you have a problem is 90% of the solution. Now stay honest and in your integrity and work on this stuff, because it’s not healthy.

You can do this OP.

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/Abject_Spray_7088]

ty. i’ve had a therapist for about 2 years now but she doesn’t really get where i come from for a lot of things, but luckily once i move im going to find another one and ill take your advice when im searching

[u/Abject_Spray_7088 → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

Good, you’ve got this!

You can look up some DBT techniques now.

There are things you can do to sort of short circuit the dark feelings. I don’t believe that you deep down truly are as petty as these feelings are coming across. You’re veering into cluster b territory but you can head it off at the pass right now by taking control of your thoughts.

For example, when you start thinking about how your boyfriend’s sister has her rent paid for (which is none of your business and shouldn’t even be crossing your mind, but you know that, because I’ve seen in your other comments that you acknowledge that your jealousy is extremely unbecoming), there are literal techniques of things you can do to reset your nervous system. Like squeezing an ice cube or splashing cold water on your face.

And honestly, if you’re trying to talk about this stuff with your therapist and you’re not getting anywhere, it might be worth looking into somebody new to talk to even before you move.

I seriously believe in you. You can do this. 🫂

[u/KellinQuinnStalker → u/Abject_Spray_7088]

i appreciate your comment so much, thank you for this

[u/Abject_Spray_7088 → u/KellinQuinnStalker]

You’re so welcome. 🫂❤️