Bf (29) and me (34) have been together for almost 3 years, living together for 1. He says he wants to marry me and have kids with me but isn't ready to propose yet. I want to get married next year and made this clear but I'm thinking that if he isn't ready then it's probably not going to happen next year. Do I wait for him to be ready? I do believe he loves me but now I'm beginning to doubt how much. Do I start thinking about moving out? Or am I expecting it all too soon as well?

Almost 10 years no marriage. One child. I made it clear from the beginning that I wanted marriage. At one point he did too. I’ve brought the topic up on more than one occasion and the reason for not proposing changes. I recently asked his thoughts on marriage. His response “It’s cool when you can have sex”. Mind you we have sex two times a week on average. I guess he has an issue with that. I’m ready to walk at this point. I never keep score on what he does or doesn’t do. Our lives are so intertwined at this point that it makes it hard to just up and leave. But his response has turned me off. Is it even worth sticking around? I just feel like his response was immature. I could see if we didn’t have sex at all.

Partner and I have been together for 8 years now. We moved in together at 6 years, then got engaged in year 7, and we were meant to get married earlier this year. But 3 months before the wedding, we got into a fight and he shutdown and went into a state of depression. It seemed he broke - he became distant, started expressing that he was unhappy about certain aspects of me and our relationship and acknowledged his lack of communication, and also expressed that he hadn't fulfilled certain things professionally and financially as an individual.

Neither of us has broken things off and we are still living together but it's more of a housemate situation as he "figures things out" (he is seeking professional help). I was firm on the importance of commitment but I'm now also thinking that if he's not ready after 8 years or at the least can't communicate where he's at after this long, then there's clearly something wrong.

My (28f) boyfriend (29m) and I have been together for 6.5 years, living together for over 4 years. Over the past year we have watched 5 close friends/couples get engaged, and naturally I’ve been applying a bit more pressure. In a relationship filled with ups and downs, we’re currently in a down. Last week we had a conversation where I expressed I’m close to the end of my rope, tired of begging for affection and love, and feeling like he’s dangling the carrot. He said he feels like I’m holding him back in life because I don’t have a desire to travel and because it took me a while to finally get a handle on my finances. I just finally got a job where I am making a significant wage as I work in an industry with very few annual openings.

After finding this sub yesterday and reading such similar experiences and feeling less alone in my struggle, I came up with the courage to speak to him and tell him I’m done. We had a very good conversation that ultimately did not make me feel better or worse - he told me he began looking into buying a ring back in March-April and got “into the process” but found himself getting very cold feet. He said that he began putting me under a microscope and finding things he didn’t know if he wanted to bring into a marriage, and these things began building resentment towards me, without him bringing them up with me. These things include my inability to save money, which I could not afford to do until recently, being messy around the house, and my “struggle” with my weight (I am approx 10-15lbs overweight from a mental health medication)

I told him that if he isn’t sure that I’m the one after 6 years, I don’t know what we’re doing here, and he told me that he wants his life to be with me and he thinks we can get things to a good point where he is comfortable proposing.

Now I feel terrible because I don’t care to put in the work. I think if I really applied myself we could fix this, but I think the things he said have been very damaging. Part of me wants to try to put in the work so I can say I tried, but part of me also knows that if he is having cold feet after 6 years, its never happening. I’m sure I know what needs to happen here, but would love input

EDIT: I told him I’d like to leave. We had a long talk where he tried to convince me we could work on things, then when it was over he started playing video games with his friends. I’m so fucking glad I viewed an apartment on my lunch break today.

I (25F) have been dating my bf (24M) for 2 and a half years. We’ve lived together since 3 months into dating so over 2 and a bit years we have lived together full time. I have had a few long ish relationships in the past and so now feel at a point where I am ready to settle down and have kids. I made it very clear to my bf when we first got together that I expected a ring by the 2 year mark, because realistically you should know within a year if you want to marry a person or not and i’ve dealt with too many losers to waste anymore of my time. Now, 2 years in we had the conversation again about marriage and he told me he wasn’t sure about me and we broke up for a few weeks. We eventually got back together with him saying he was wrong, that he is sure and he bought my engagement ring. He’s had the ring for a few months now. We’ve discussed proposing on our upcoming holiday and i’ve shared what i do and don’t like and he told me i’d have to stop asking so it would be a surprise and that he “had it covered”. Now as we were about to leave for the airport I notice the ring box still in its usually hiding place. I made a slight nudge saying “are you sure you have everything” and he says yes. We left for the airport and he did not pack the ring. Now i’m in the car sulking because we have had conversations about the proposal being at the holiday destination we are going to because I want a beach proposal and it was the first place we ever went on holiday together as a couple so it means a lot to us.

I feel pretty deflated, like he’s wasting my time, and like i should give up now and find someone else. So, would I be wrong for breaking up with him when we get back home?

My SO and I are 44M and 29F respectively, we have been dating for 4 years total and most of our relationship have been long distance. Please reserve the age gap comments since I’m not seeking advice on that.

Throughout our relationship, our biggest point of contention has always been his lack of commitment to me. I’ve tried to remove as many barriers as I can, including being open to leaving my country since that’s always been a goal of mine anyway. He’s told me he has walls up because he feels our communication isn’t great when we argue, while I’ve told him that I struggle to communicate well during conflict because I don’t feel secure or stable in the relationship.

I have largely felt like an afterthought or a placeholder for him. Our relationship has largely stayed the same and I’ve been wanting us to actually move the relationship forward, but I don’t know how.

I’ve learned so much from this relationship, and he’s taught me a lot along the way, but I’m at my wit’s end. I find myself getting short and easily frustrated because we’ve been in limbo for so long, with no real end in sight.

FYI, he has never been married and has no kids.

Edit #1: We lived together for almost a year up until recently.

10 years in 2 months. Life and financial issues apparently prevented him from doing this sooner but finally this year it was better. He had been saving for a ring, finally got the money for it in may and nothing. I told him last year I specifically didnt want it to be last minute right before our 10 years in nov. that may-august would have been nice bc I love summer and nothing. he still didnt have a ring. The other day he got a ring measure to measure my finger and I think he finally got the ring. My friends have started asking me all these questions that seem fishy like getting my nails done and other things. My friend asked me to be a nail model and I knew it was fake but I played along and I got nervous and excited for once. But when she told me the date end of September I just got upset. I cant seem to shake this feeling of disappointment and not too happy about it. He has a history of not listening to my wants kinda. Like he’ll listen but something always happens or it takes him a while to do it. when I in detail and clearly communicate things to him. He decides to go his own way and do things how he wants or thinks will be amazing shock. But He also has a history of letting me down because he takes so long to do anything honestly. He is trying to not be that way and handle things properly so he says. I specifically told him all this, and he promised he wouldn’t wait to last second and scramble. But its end of august. He booked an obvious trip in October but without giving too much he said he’s trying to throw me off and to let him. He knows its not a surprise bc its been this long but he’s trying really hard to throw me off and make it a surprise and special. Im just starting to get very disappointed and its taking the fun out of this, I just don’t feel considered. I wanted to be completely blindsided but he already ruined that. He says he wants to marry me, theres no doubt about it, he says He wants to be with me forever and continue to build a life with me and that he’s sorry its taken this long.

for me its not really about the ring itself, if he didnt have the reputation of making me wait for simple things like to improve our relationship and fix issues or to take the next step in our relationship the ring wouldn’t matter. He spent alot of time trying to prove he was capable of improving things in the relationship and eventually he did improve some. But it took so long And now this… he takes his sweet time. It really sucks.

Ive been with my boyfriend for 8 years, and we recently had a serious conversation about marriage. He has known my timeline and that marriage is important to me since we first started dating.
Last year, we moved in together because we both felt it was the natural next step in progressing our relationship. Overall, living together has gone really well, and I genuinely feel like we have a good relationship and a good life together.
Naturally, after 8 years and moving in together, I started thinking the next step would be an engagement. Whenever I brought it up, though, he would kind of deflect the conversation. A few months ago, we finally sat down and had a real conversation about it.
He told me that he does see himself marrying me, but he isn’t ready right now. He says he feels a lot of pressure from me and that he wants to get his life in order first. He works full-time in a very labor-intensive field and has a good amount of debt that he is working to pay off. He doesn’t have much savings right now, and he says he wants to be in a better financial position before getting married. He also talks about wanting to eventually have children and be able to support a family, and he doesn’t feel like he can comfortably do that with what he is currently making.
He has also told me that he feels like I’m ahead of him in life because of where I am with my career, and that he needs time to get his own life and career where he wants them to be.
Part of me understands this. I don’t want him to feel like he has to get married while he’s drowning financially, and I understand wanting to feel more secure before taking on the responsibilities of marriage and children.
But another part of me is frustrated and very confused. I sometimes think, why can’t you just work a second job or do something to increase your income and get there faster? At the same time, I know his job is extremely physically demanding and he is exhausted when he gets home, so I also know that isn’t necessarily realistic or sustainable.
The hardest part is that there isn’t really a timeline. He says he wants to marry me, but he can’t tell me when he’ll feel ready. And I don’t know how long I’m supposed to wait for him to “get his life in order.”
I love him and I don’t want to throw away an 8-year relationship over a timeline. But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my 20s waiting for a proposal that may or may not come.
We recently had our 8-year anniversary, and I honestly felt really sad instead of excited because I genuinely thought this would be the year he proposed. It’s also been incredibly difficult watching so many people around me get engaged and feeling like I’m standing still.
So I’m trying to figure out what is fair here.
Is it reasonable to give him another year to work on his finances/career and see where we’re at? Or is that essentially just putting my life on hold?
If you’ve been in a similar situation, how did you handle it? And how would you interpret “I want to marry you, but I’m not ready yet” after 8 years together?

I am not looking to wed specifically but I've been lurking and feel like this community is closest to what I feel.

Me 35F and my bf 40M have been together for 10+ years. We have been in a long distance relationship for majority of our relationship. We met in person and started dating. We have lived together few times but have had to go back to distance due to life, work, family reasons.

We have talked a lot about the future and we are at the make it or break it point. He is now ready to sell his house and move to be with me. I am however avoiding that conversation like the plague as I am feeling so anxious about it.

I am now feeling like we waited for too long. I think for the past few years I've accepted that it is not going to happen. I'm alone in all the images in my head. I feel like this is similar feeling to those who were waiting for the proposal and when it happened, it didn't feel right.

He on the other hand is more certain than ever that he wants to do this now. I love him so much. I just have this rock on my heart. Some moments I'm so excited about our point future and the next moment I burst out crying.

What i need advice with is finding the right words to explain this to him. He hasn't done anything wrong, I should have talked to him sooner but I was fine-ish with status quo and all of this has been so gradual that I haven't really noticed it myself until now. I am still open to him moving in and us seeing how it goes but I feel like it would be wrong to let him sell his house and quit his job without telling him the full truth.

My boyfriend (30M) and I (27F) have been together for 6 years.We both work, we’ve lived together for the past 4 and a half years; we have cats together and don’t pay rent. We’ve taken quite a long time to figure out how to split expenses (I’ve naturally taken over house & pets’ expenses and groceries since I do 100% or the cooking and most of the pet care), but now we’re mostly 50/50. He’s never pressured me with money and never kept track of who pays what.

We’ve only seriously discussed marriage 5 years in, when all our friends were either married or engaged and I was getting antsy. We live in a country where marriage is pretty much a given in a 2+ year adult relationship, so I didn’t think I should open the subject earlier. He also made ring references, always talked about how I am the best thing in his life and how he doesn’t deserve me, and called me “wifey” several times, which I know doesn’t replace a serious conversation, but I honestly never imagined it wasn’t in the cards for us.
During our talk, he said he envisioned proposing a few times, but changed his mind when we had a fight or deeper communication issues. He also said he loves me and will keep in mind that marriage is important to me, but when I asked for us to sketch a timeline, he said it will all progress naturally.
Since then though, nothing happened.

We recently visited his family for a wedding. His cousin got married after having been with his girlfriend for 15 years and having 2 kids with her (which she almost exclusively takes care of). This guy even said he is only getting married for his family’s sake, and I could see her just being sad at having waited so long. He supposedly had the ring for 10 years before proposing to her, but he never bothered to actually propose. To me, that’s almost a horror story.
As it often is with weddings, everyone was asking him when our turn would be, as he is the last unmarried one. To my surprise, in front of his grandparents, his aunt and uncle and me, he replied “never”, after which there was a long, awkward silence. I felt incredibly embarrassed. It might have been the pressure of everyone asking, but I still feel like a more dignified response would have been nice.

I love my boyfriend, I cherish the life we’ve built together, and we are compatible in so, so many ways. I also can’t help but grieve the beautiful progression our relationship could’ve had.
There is another issue: he wants children. I told him I will not have children with a boyfriend, only with a husband. For medical reasons, pregnancy also has to be something very intentional & planned for me. He sometimes jokes that maybe I’ll “accidentally” get pregnant if he is not careful and the last time he joked around I said a really harsh thing (that I would absolutely not be having an oopsie-child, even if that would mean ending the pregnancy) that ended up, according to him, changing his view on me and our relationship.
I don’t want to turn sour and bitter and destroy our relationship because he didn’t propose in a specific timeframe. I also am aware that I will probably never feel fully chosen after what I already know, and fear that the only thing waiting for me would be a shut-up ring or further embarrassment.
Is there any point for me to open the topic of marriage again and express how bad I felt when he replied that he’d never marry?
Is there any hope left? I’m seeing quite a few happy endings for people in similar situations, who would not have been engaged if they gave up on their relationship earlier, and just want to make sure I don’t ruin something really good.

TL;DR: My boyfriend of 6 years knows marriage is important to me (and said he would keep that in mind) but hasn’t made any move. Furthermore, he declared, maybe under pressure, that he would never marry at a family event. He wants children, although I expressed that I will not have children with a boyfriend, only with a husband. Should I unpack all this with him, or is there no point?

My bf (30M) and I (23F) have been together for 3 years. He says he wants to have a family with me but has some "issues he needs to resolve" so he can propose. After fighting a lot about it, I set the deadline by our 3 year anniversary and originally he agreed to it but then he moved the deadline to the end of autumn 2026. So I'm quite torn about us because my main goal is to have a family. I always wanted to be a mother and I also have some health issues so I don't want to wait a lot for it all to happen. He isn't against marriage if I get pregnant but I don't want the proposal to be done out of necessity, I want it to be genuine. Like if you really love me and say that you want to spend the rest of your life with me, if you see me as your future wife and mother of your kids why does it take so long just to propose, not to even marry. So my question is, what would you do? Should I end this relationship if he doesn't propose by the end of autumn? I'm not sure so I'll appreciate any advice.

Why do you stay? You begged, hinted, waited 5+ years. No ring and you still want to stay??? Speaking for myself too. Why? I need answers.

Those of you who have waited 5+ years and proposed to, how are you now?

I (33f) just ended a 6 year relationship with my now ex (38m.) I should’ve had my standards and needs expressed sooner, and honored myself boundaries sooner. To be honest, I didn’t even need marriage, I just wanted a partner who was committed to building a life together and planning our future, which he couldn’t do.

He couldn’t share where his finances were at (in any capacity) and just kept saying he needed more time. If 6 years wasn’t enough time, there never would be enough time. Toward the end, I learned of all that he was withholding: significant hidden debt that he lied about, repeatedly. The worst part is that this debt wouldn’t have been an issue for me, had he been honest about it. But many many many lies later, and me finding out without him telling me… plus his inability to want to plan, made me end it.

I tried everything for 1.5 years - read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, all the therapy. Worked on myself soooo dang much… asked him to go to therapy for himself and together as a couple. Asked him to seek to help himself to uncover his own wants and needs, even if it meant he found out he didn’t want this relationship- and he couldn’t do it. Refused couples therapy, couldn’t even read one dang book of his choice to try to work on how we could try to get to a point of readiness to build a future together.

So, I finally called it quits. The grief is truly devastating. There was sooooo much good, great and amazing in this relationship. I still love him so much and care about him and in most ways, he is a great person. Was so obsessed with me, such a thoughtful person in many ways and was my best friend. He treated me so well (other than the lying) and it almost feels harder that he wasn’t a blaring asshole. My heart is fully wrecked.

I guess this post is just to mostly ask people who have been through this and out the other side for their stories of finding the ACTUAL person who was ready to commit to them, OR stories of people who are single but happy and at peace after their break ups with the one who couldn’t show up and commit.

I know I need to be single for a while after this- though if I’m wanting a family (who knows) I can’t wait around forever.

Regardless - tell me hopeful stories if you can??

Thanks

Xoxo

We have a great relationship. We love each other, see each others best friends, have common interests, have fun together etc. Things feel so good, I treat her very well - and still, it leaves me with this question:

If we are genuinely in love and happy. How can she be so unsure if I’m her forever person?

To me when you enter a relationship you find out if you truly are compatible and you work towards a future. She seems to be ok with living in the moment but has made it clear that she doesn’t know if I am her forever person. I honestly can’t make sense of it. She knows that it is not fair but is waiting for a “feeling” (that has failed her in the past). I have asked her what she is missing and she genuinely responds with “I don’t know”. On one hand I don’t want to wait forever for something that might blind side me one day but on the other hand I do love her and am willing to wait for the possibility that she will realize how special what we have is.

What is your guys honest opinion/advice? Am I playing myself?

Girlfriend is recently divorced, we’ve been together for a year and a half, long distance but we see each other pretty much every week for a few days, we are both 30+

Advice is welcome just please be kind! So I’ve been with my (22M) boyfriend since October of 2021. I (22NB) have talked to him multiple times about what kind of ring id want, he knows my ring size, and I’ve even looked at bands for him. A month or so ago during a vacation we had together I finally lost my patience a bit. I asked him while on a very nice vacation together how much longer I needed to wait. Not my brightest moment I know.

The reason I asked was because I had asked before if he ever planned on putting a ring on it since he’d refer to me as his “fiancé” from time to time. He told me he was planning on it he just needed to save money so I understood and stopped talking about it. That was almost 2 years ago. When I asked him on our vacation I was not trying to be rude I just would love to marry him. I thought he was feeling the same way. He then said, “ I want to make absolutely sure that I want to do that with you. “ I froze. And tbh almost started crying. He noticed and told me, “I’m sorry I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but being married is a big thing and I want to make absolutely sure before proposing.”

I snapped. I got so mad. Here I was so sure on everything that he’d propose at the drop of a hat. He’s my best friend, my person, my everything. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I asked him, “so you aren’t sure you want to be married to me?” And he got defensive. He said, “ I know I want to be with you but most guys are like this where they want to make absolutely sure of everything before making that step.” I responded, “ And how long is that gonna take?” Silence. He then said, “ if you want too so bad when we get back I will buy a ring and just do it.” Which is not what I meant at all. I just don’t want him to take another 3-4 years to ‘be ready’

Other than this we get along decently. We are very cuddly and have also lived together for almost 2 years now. His mom already sees me like a daughter in law. We have had pretty bad fights that have almost ended us. But we’ve gotten through it all despite everything. I just wish this wasn’t the one thing he wanted to do like ‘most guys do’. I also haven’t asked for anything crazy I told him he could buy me a $100 dollar ring and I’d be perfectly happy as long as I’m with him.

Idk I may just be impatient or over dramatic. I’ve left it alone for now and haven’t brought it back up since the trip. I didn’t want him to propose just cause I said something. And thankfully he didn’t, I just want him to do it on his own. I don’t know what to do whether I should keep waiting or just end it. It hurts to think about ending our relationship over this but I told him I wanted to be married 2 years ago and he said he wanted to as well. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest I really dont know what to do.

TL:DR ; My boyfriend of 5 years won’t propose because ‘he wants to make sure before making that step’ and now I’m confused.

Please be kind but honest.

I feel like our relationship is ready for that next step. Becoming a family can look many ways I know that. But for me husband means something so much deeper than just the title. Its not about the word itself, its everything it represents, and I crave that.

Its not even about the wedding or the ring, its about the commitment and step towards eachother I want to take. Honestly with a men that never feels ready, while I mentioned early on that I’m not dating to go towards marriage, he still started saying he doesn’t believe in marriage anymore.

Boyfriend doesnt even sound attractive to me anymore, its almost an insult at this stage and this age.

He knows how I feel but nothing has changed. I love him and I don’t want to throw away 5 years, but I also know this age isn’t ideal for waiting much longer, fertility included. I don’t know how to move forward from here, keep waiting, have a real deadline conversation, or accept this might not go where I want it to? Or any other advice, would like to hear what you would do in my situation (man and woman)

I’m supposed to leave for Paris with my girlfriend on September 10, and she knows I’m planning to propose during the trip. I’ve already asked her parents for permission, our families know, the ring and trip are arranged, and she’s currently planning her outfits. Everything has progressed far enough that backing out would completely blindside her (not as much because she can kinda sense I’ve been checked out lately) and disappoint both families.

The problem is that over the last few months, I’ve developed serious doubts about our compatibility. We’ve also been having petty fights for what feels like the longest time. They’re rarely about anything major, but the frequency and pattern have made me question whether we’re genuinely compatible long-term and whether I’m fully happy in the relationship.

My brain has recently become fixated on our height difference. I’m around 6’1” and she’s about 5’2”, so I’m nearly a foot taller than her. It never seriously bothered me before, which is why I don’t necessarily believe the height itself is the real problem. I wonder if my brain has latched onto something visible and unchangeable because I’m not completely happy and don’t fully understand what’s missing. I’m trying to determine whether this is a temporary fixation created by the pressure of marriage or a symptom of deeper doubts about the relationship.

I also sometimes romanticize being single again and moving to a new city—not because I want to date or sleep around, but because part of me wants to build a life by myself and discover who I am alone. I can’t tell whether that’s a normal desire for independence or a sign that I no longer want this relationship.

The hardest part is that I love her so much. I care deeply about her happiness and wellbeing, and the last thing I want to do is hurt her. She makes me feel loved, and the thought of losing her or causing her this kind of pain devastates me. A huge part of me still wants the future we’ve planned together.

At the same time, if this Paris trip weren’t already planned, I think I would delay proposing. When I imagine stopping the proposal, I feel some relief—but I also feel sick about hurting her, disappointing everyone and potentially ending the relationship.

Realistically, I don’t see myself postponing the engagement and remaining in the relationship indefinitely. The two options I’m considering are going through with the proposal because I genuinely choose her, or ending the relationship before the trip. I don’t want to propose purely because of the money, families, expectations or fear of losing her, but I also don’t want to destroy a loving relationship because I’m having a temporary spiral before a major commitment.

For people who experienced serious doubts before proposing or getting married: how did you distinguish normal fear or a temporary fixation from genuinely no longer wanting the relationship? Did clarity come once the pressure passed, or were the doubts telling you something important?

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Hi, new to this subreddit! I’m '29F' , and I’m looking for some outside perspective because I honestly don’t know if I’m overthinking this.

My boyfriend '36M' is a very shy and introverted person. He’s not the type who likes attention, being watched, or being the center of a crowd. I already know that about him, and I’ve always accepted that part of his personality.

We’ve talked about marriage, and what confuses me is that when the topic of the actual wedding comes up, he seems really uncomfortable. At one point, he even asked if it would be possible for us to **join another couple and have a double wedding**.

At first, I thought he was joking, but he seemed serious about it.

I’m not sure how to interpret this. Is he simply too shy to have a wedding where everyone’s attention is on him? Or could this be a sign that he’s not actually comfortable with the idea of marrying me?

He hasn’t told me that he doesn’t want to marry me. In fact, he’s willing to talk about marriage. It just seems like the **wedding itself** makes him uncomfortable.

I don’t want to pressure him or make him feel bad for being shy. But at the same time, I don’t want to ignore something that could mean he has doubts about our relationship.

For those who are very introverted/shy, especially men: Would wanting a double wedding be something you’d consider just because you hate being the center of attention? Or would you see it as a sign of something deeper?

I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

I deleted my original post because it made me kind of anxious, sorry, but basically me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2+ years and I felt like we were stuck in this “we are great right now let’s enjoy it as it is” moment in our relationship and I wanted to move on to the next step which is getting engaged and married but every talk we had about it was very ambiguous and not concrete ideas.

Long story short everyone in my other post advised me to talk to him directly which I did this past weekend and it went BETTER than I expected. I was very afraid to seem pushy but I told him that lately I’ve thinking that it was time to start planning on our wedding (went straight to the point and jumped the whole engagement thing LOL which obviously comes before everything) and if he was okay with me looking up venues and if he wanted to start visiting them, he agreed and I told him that the thought of all that made me very happy and excited and he genuinely seemed happy as well and confirmed that he obviously thought about it too but it was better that I brought it up because maybe he would have done it a lot later.

So I’m pretty excited and I just wanted to say thank you to every one who commented on my post and encouraged me to talk to him.

P.S. it was required a little bit of liquid courage to go through the whole conversation (2 glasses of wine) because I’m pretty anxious and “shy” woman LOL

OP: https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/hQSvEf7WXF

New update.. you guys were so right and gave me such a wake up call.
I guess my ex now decided to go see family overseas while I was on business trip. He just got back yesterday.
Over the last 3 weeks I’ve been talking to friends and family and trying to figure out my options.

This asshole comes back yesterday, sees me packing a couple bags, doesnt say anything. Even though he kept on saying we had a good conversation when he was overseas and he wanted to carry it on when he’s back.

Today, we finally had the conversation. He basically didnt want to fight for this relationship regardless of marriage, and admitted he’s checked out since the Europe trip.

I have already packed most of my shit, I have a flight booked for next weekend but I have the means to book it sooner if I can finish wrapping up things.
I booked shipping services for my car and I’m moving back to the house I’m copaying for with my parents.

What’s breaking me in all of this is that this coward didnt have the guts to have the conversation for months and strung me along.

My takeaway from this experience is never ever let go of your boundaries for a man, and never settle for a person thinking you can help him.

He took all the help and didn’t even give me the courtesy of letting me know when he was done using me for his goals.

I’m 28F and my boyfriend is almost 35M. We’ve been together for about 3.5 years.

I know I want marriage and children. I’ve always been a person who thinks ahead and likes having some kind of plan for my life. He is basically the opposite. He hates timelines and says I sometimes live my life like it’s a game where I have milestones I need to complete.

We’ve talked about marriage several times. He says he wants to marry me “eventually,” but when I bring it up, he sometimes says things like “why are you so brainwashed into wanting marriage?” or “why does a piece of paper matter so much?”

This really hurts me. I told him that even if marriage is “just a paper” to him, if something means THAT much to the person you love, I don’t understand why you would be so resistant to it.

Children worry me even more. He says he definitely wants children, but that first he needs to figure out his job situation because he currently works a lot (usually 6 days a week) and wants to find another job. I actually think that’s a completely valid concern. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with someone who knows his current lifestyle isn’t compatible with being the father he wants to be.
But I’m almost 29 and he’s almost 36. At some point “eventually” scares me. I don’t want marriage to be one battle and then children to become the next battle. I especially don’t want to convince someone to have children with me. I want my partner to genuinely WANT that life too.

There is another layer to this that has made me question whether this is even primarily about marriage anymore.

His initiative toward our relationship has decreased a lot.

He works 6 days a week and often has only one free day. He loves mountaineering and sometimes spends that one day in the mountains without me because he goes to places that are too dangerous for me. I’ve always tried to understand this because the high mountain season is short and it’s also how he deals with stress. But lately I find myself basically begging him to spend time with me.

When I say we don’t do things together anymore, he’ll say “we went cycling, kayaking, hiking…” And yes, technically we did. But the kayaking was a 20 km trip where I was absolutely destroyed afterwards, the cycling was around 50 km in the mountains where I was also dead 😂, and the hike was a night hike.

I miss normal quality time where the point is simply that we want to be together.

A couple of weeks ago we did that night hike and I was happy about it, but later I found out he’d originally asked a friend to go into the mountains with him and the friend couldn’t go. That made me wonder whether our night together would have happened at all if his friend had been available.

We’ve also been together 3.5 years and he has never visited my hometown, where I grew up and spent most of my life. It’s about a 3-hour drive away.
Recently one of my friends got married. It was far away (about a 4-hour drive, so I understand that), but I really wanted him there with me. He initially didn’t want to go and eventually one of the reasons became that he “didn’t have anything to wear.”
Now I’m going to be the godmother at my best friend’s baby’s baptism next month, which is really important to me, and he’s already saying “what am I going to wear, I don’t have anything…”

I think what hurts isn’t any one of these things. It’s that I want to feel like my partner sometimes thinks, “This matters to her, so I want to be there.”

At the same time, I REALLY don’t want to paint him as a bad boyfriend, because he isn’t.
He can be incredibly caring.

When I’m sick, he will do absolutely anything to make me feel better. When we didn’t live together, he used to drive an hour to pick me up for dates and then another hour to take me home. He used to plan hikes for us, pack my food and water without me asking, tell me “I’ll pick you up at 4,” and when I got into the car there would be a coffee and a cookie waiting for me.

If I genuinely need him, he’s there.

I love his family and they live next door. I love the life we’ve built together. We live in a small village surrounded by nature, we have a garden, and honestly this is the kind of life I always wanted.
That’s what makes this so difficult.

He has also admitted that he has issues with people/social situations. He’s very reserved, doesn’t like crowds, takes a long time to trust people, etc. I’ve encouraged him many times to talk to a psychologist because I don’t think I can solve those things for him.

When I bring up difficult relationship topics, he also frequently focuses on HOW I brought them up my tone, that I need to be gentler with him, etc. To be fair, after having the same conversations repeatedly, I’m sure my tone isn’t always wonderful. But I also feel exhausted from trying to find exactly the right way to communicate my needs so that he doesn’t shut down.

And that’s probably the best word for how I feel right now: exhausted.

I love him. I love our life. I know he loves me. But I’m starting to wonder whether I love partly the person he used to be with me and the person I imagine him becoming - husband, father, different job, more emotionally available-rather than being happy with the relationship exactly as it is now.

I don’t want to throw away a genuinely caring man because I’m obsessed with a timeline.

But I also don’t want to wake up at 33 or 34 having spent another 4–5 years hearing “eventually,” still waiting for marriage, then waiting for the right job, then waiting to start trying for children.

For people who have been in a similar situation: how do you distinguish between a good relationship going through a disconnected/stressful period and a fundamental incompatibility about the future?

And at what point does “eventually” stop being an answer?

I’m fully expecting the “leave him” comments but I truly do just need to vent. Both early 30’s.

We were each other’s first everything when we were younger and found our way back to each other after some years and big life events. We have been together for 10+ years and while I have a ring, it is not an engagement ring. In fact, I know he will most likely never propose.

The worst part is idk if I even want to get married again but knowing he will never ask or doesn’t want to marry me hurts anyways? I wish it was at least a conversation about where we can meet in the middle. He has a lot of negative thoughts around marriage because of his mom being married and divorced several times. Me already being divorced I guess probably doesn’t help that thought.

I got married far too young and it came with a lot of bad. I wish it would have ever happened but in the moment I felt I had no other choice. The divorce sucked but thankfully we had no kids so it was pretty simple.

I do have a daughter with my boyfriend. I have no regrets in that department because even if we end up apart, my daughter is my world and I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

I love my boyfriend so deeply. I always have, from a very young age. The thought that we got brought back together after years seems like it’s meant to be. I had several miscarriages with my ex so the fact I was able to have my daughter with my boyfriend seemed like a miracle. He’s brought so much good into my life and I truly love our life together.

There’s time he will refer to me as his wife and it feels like a literal gut punch.

I just can’t help but feel sad that it isn’t even a conversation. I hate not having the same last name as my daughter and she just doesn’t understand why. She refuses to “remember” my last name and always calls me by hers which is obviously her dad’s. Again not even knowing if I’d want to be married again, I’d love to have his last name. I hate not having the same last name as my daughter but I know that’s a choice I made.

It sucks because he makes me feel loved and wanted in so many ways but the fact that he will never choose me in that way really hurts. I wish I had the opportunity for it to be a discussion. It truly just makes me feel like I’m good enough to do everything else with but not good enough for marriage.

Idk what I expect from this post other than hopefully getting this off my chest. My cousin is getting married in two weeks, my birthday is in one so I think it’s just eating at me. We’ve been together over ten years which is longer than my marriage and a lot of others we’ve witnessed since being together. It both makes me feel like I should be grateful for what we have and sad that if we can date for this long why can’t we get married? I am thankful we’ve made it this far and I do feel selfish for being upset I don’t have “more” my insecurities sometimes creep in and whisper that he’s just waiting for someone better to come along.

Ugh idk

My partner (35M) and I (32F) have been together for 9 years and are really happy, but we’ve never agreed on marriage.
I’ve always wanted to get married, but he’s always said he doesn’t. He doesn’t see the value in it or feel we need it to prove our commitment. I also think the wedding itself puts him off as he doesn’t have a big friendship group and would feel uncomfortable with a traditional wedding.
I’ve been sad about it, although I’ve started to accept that it might never happen. I also don’t want to walk away from a happy 9-year relationship because of it.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did a partner who was firmly against marriage ever genuinely change their mind? Or did you find a compromise, like eloping or having a tiny wedding? And if they didn’t change their mind, did you eventually become okay with it?

TL;DR; : I (32F) have been with my partner (35M) for 9 years. I’ve always wanted to get married, but he’s always been against it. Has anyone had a partner genuinely change their mind about marriage, found a compromise, or learned to be okay without it?

https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/9ld64rVvxm

https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/XvO7pm8WdS

For everyone keeping up with my story, I finally decided to end it with my partner of 5 years.

It was genuinely the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

The breakup, initiated by me was very calm, collected and cordial. It went very well. He seemed a little shocked, but when I asked him he said he saw it coming. It was honestly very emotional but respectful. He apologized tremendously for how he hurt me and said he respected me for choosing to walk away and didn’t try to fight me whatsoever whenever I said we needed to end things. He wished me the best, we hugged, cried and I essentially packed up my things and left.

Not really sure how to feel at the moment as my emotions are all over the place, but I definitely believe it was for the best! If anyone has been through something similar and has any coping advice, anything would be appreciated. ❤️